Chapter 21

"Retreat! Retreat!" Pardin heard a voice call out from the courtyard. "Bar the door!"

It was a big, ugly door made of wood and metal. Pardin signaled for the Fairy Express and decided to take a tour of the courtyard while he waited. Anorexia had laid a massive turd with great precision directly on top of a couple of catapults. Her aim had saved many people from a weapon of which they had no protection. Unfortunately, dragon turds stank strongly of vile, putrefying things.

The rest of the yard are unremarkable, strikingly so. Pardin had imagined the courtyard of the castle would be filled with horses and weapons, kingly objects of beauty and gardens. Instead, he saw ugliness.

"What the hell kind of place is this to throw a party?" Bernie said. "Do you see a single stand for kegs or casks? Where are the feasting tables? Come here for a celebration and die of thirst and hunger: that's all I see."

"The place is barren," Pardin said, as he watched a huge shadow pass over the castle. "Ah, my daughter returns from her early lunch."

"Ugly damn daughter," Bernie said with a nudge in Pardin's ribs. "But considering who the mother is, I'll keep any further thoughts to myself."

As Anorexia landed, Pardin strode over and rubbed her right ear. She snuggled right up to him as he whispered in her ear. She made small honks as he talked to her and rubbed that special spot just behind the ear. Her forked tongue sagged out from between her fangs and rested on the stones for a moment as da made his little girl feel good. Pardin then gave her a command and she rose to her feet.

With each step, her bulk shook the ground beneath their feet. She sniffed deeply at the barred door and then tasted it with her tongue. She gave a look back at Pardin who nodded his head. She took a step back, lowered her head, and slammed into the door with her forehead.

The door bent but it held.

She gave Pardin and Adray a look of embarrassment and took two steps back this time. She rammed the door again and this time it flew backwards into the hall of the castle. Amazed by her success, Anorexia stuck her snout into the doorway and took a great sniff with her nose. Immediately she blew a typically large dragon phlegmatic sneeze.

"Ugg!" the assembled host outside the castle commented.

Then the dragon belched long and hard. Billows of green tinted stench flowed around her head.

"Oh gods," Pardin exclaimed along with many others outside. The cries and screams started up inside the castle. "Dear, I think we need to teach our dragon a few manners around the dinner table."

"She's always welcome at my table," Bernie said with great enthusiasm. "You gave her a beautiful name that befits her dainty ways. I think the dragon has subdued even the most stubborn of these humorless bastards. Let's go and get me a horny wench."

"I don't mean to press the issue," Pardin said to Bernie, "but elves and humans don't usually mate. Do dwarves and humans fuck?"

"If the spirit is willing," Bernie said with his retrieved axe held high. "I ain't met a cunt yet that didn't yield to my charms, your wife excepted, of course."

"Of course," Pardin said, walking towards the door. "Let us see if we can't find you a something juicy to slake your thirst. There is isn't a human slut who won't melt before a good dwarven yodel – that's how we will find the best one for you."

"A species that appreciates a good yodel is a species worth bedding." Bernie surged ahead with great eagerness. His men were right behind him.

"You are so elfish today," Adray whispered in his ear. "What a nasty trick to play on Bernie. Gods, elfishness looks so sexy on you."

The yodeling started as one clear voice. Three hundred voiced more joined as the glass in the windows began to shake. More human cries went up, barely heard over the din of dwarven song.

"Between the dragon and dwarves, I fear that the remnant of Hinderblast's guard will not put up much of a fight, my dear," Pardin said as they started to run to catch up. "Can you be happy without blooding your sword today?"

"Humans are apt to do something stupid," Adray said. "I still have hope of eviscerating one before this is done."

"Hope is good," Pardin said as they walked through the main hallway. The floor was littered with men in armor lying senseless on the floor. While Pardin stepped over them, Adray stepped on anything that was in her way, including torsos, limbs, and heads. They stepped through an ornate doorway into the throne room. White columns held up the corners of the room and between them were large tapestries, faded from age. They depicted scenes of great battles between humans and monsters.

A tall, oversized body trundled up to Pardin's shoulder and let out a harrumph of pleasure. "This is a room worthy of a human king," Shmor said as he pointed to the ceiling with his war hammer. "See the great arch that forms the high vaulted ceiling without the benefit of a center pillar blocking the middle of the room. Those half arches at both sides and above the throne support the weight with wide pillars at the four corners where the arches meet. I wonder if there are buttresses on the other side to further stabilize and transfer the weight."

"He isn't a king," Pardin said, wondering why the troll was discussing architecture when the lord of the castle was making his last, fearful stand. "He is a lord of the realm and he supposedly answers to an emperor somewhere far, far away. If he was a king, he would own the place. Since he is only a lord, he rents."

"Rents?" Shmor asked.

"Sends tribute to the emperor," Pardin said. "Same thing if you look at it from an elfish point of view."

Three hundred horny dwarves made the room a bit crowded. Pardin could see Lord Hinderblast standing in front of his throne with the last of his body guard in front of him with their swords drawn. There was a woman, Lady Hinderblast, standing behind the throne but not hiding behind it.

"Begone you vile beasts," Lord Hinderblast shouted.

"Hey, Pardin," Bernie bellowed above the din of his grunting fellows, "This old fart is talking trash about you. You better get up here and take care of him before someone else takes offense."

"Come, Adray," Pardin said, looking around for his wife. "Where is my wife, Shmor?"

"She and Skor took off down that hallway over there," Shmor said. "They probably found something interesting."

"Go get her," Pardin said. "This is one of those moments when a sharp-tongued princess might just be handy." Pardin turned to the dwarves. "Let me through, you randy bastards. Anyone in my way doesn't get poontang tonight."

"That is just rude," one of the dwarfs groused, loudly. "I come all this way, put up with stinky human habits, and he thinks he is going to take away my humping the hairy rights. I don't think so."

"Didn't anyone tell you a lot of human women shave between their legs?" Pardin shouted back as he pushed his way through the crowd.

"Really?" the same dwarf said. "Hey lady up at the throne, do you shave your cunt?"

"Mind your manners, you porcine excuse for bacon scraps," the lord shouted back. "She is a lady and she will not be spoken to in that manner."

All of the dwarves went silent suddenly as the insult reverberated around the room. The body guard gripped their swords every more firmly and pressed their shoulders tightly to form an unbreakable line.