Chapter 7

Say what you want, I thought. I'd had my own revelation. I could try to pass it off as a dream, but it had certainly seemed real. According to St. Joan I knew the solution on how to train 'Fathers of the Faith.' That was a laugher, because I'd only done with Rebecca what I'd done twice before. True, as sex went, Rebecca was far and away the best.

I sighed. How could you not take pleasure in it? The answer to that was obvious -- you did take pleasure in it. What was the difference between lust and pleasure? Again, that seemed simple enough. Lust was a drive to satisfy yourself, while taking pleasure and sharing it, was a mutual exchange.

A Father of the Faith could be neither a selfless pleasure giver nor a heedless pleasure seeker. Yes, you gave pleasure, but you received pleasure in return. What if the woman wasn't any good in bed? Or simply hadn't been educated as evidently the 'Maidens of the Faith' had been taught?

Had I shown Rebecca anything she hadn't experienced before? Well, penile insertion for sure -- but she said she had been taught by her sisters and mothers. Had that teaching included the use of a dildo? That was a rather personal question to ask of someone.

Did it matter? The real question was what had Rebecca taken away from our time together? I sniffed in self-derision. That too would be a very personal question. It had been satisfying for me that was for sure. Suddenly I stopped and went back. What had Joan said? Fathers of the Faith needed to be satisfied ... and then walk away. Rebecca had it all figured out, according to Susan.

I'd be with her, Susan and Rose forever if Rebecca was right. That didn't sound very much like "love 'em and leave 'em" to me! The crackling of the fire, the dance of the flames was hypnotic.

What had happened this morning? Rebecca and I had made love several times in the night. In the morning, I was still frisky and she had been pragmatic and had left. Shouldn't the shoe have been on the other foot? Hadn't it been my responsibility to smile ... and then walk away?

I was back on the hillside in Lorraine, and Jean stood facing me. She smiled and I bobbed my head in recognition. "Each of us has free will, Brother David. Each of us sees the world and interprets it in our own way. One of the easiest mistakes to make, particularly when you are young and less experienced, is to assume what you perceive is 'truth.' Thus, we can accept what we see, disbelieve it -- or we can take the wisest course and question it.

"Because, you see, the easiest person to deceive is yourself. And when it comes to matters of your heart, that is where we all are at our weakest."

"I was thinking earlier about some very personal questions that I was curious about the answers to. I find I have a number of additional questions as well. I think, though, that they would be better never asked."

She nodded. "You can't teach respect, Brother David."

"No wonder Brother Jerome has trouble finding Fathers of the Faith."

"Indeed."

"You say I have the solution to his problem in my head; that I just have to recognize it."

"Yes, that is so."

"If you can't teach respect, I expect it's impossible as well to teach walking away from someone you've shared passion with."

"People do that all the time," she said with a sniff. "It is the norm, not the exception. Rebecca did it herself this morning. You've seen it before when they ration 'kindling sparks.'"

"To be a Father of the Faith, you need to understand respect. If it can't be taught, it follows that you can't teach someone to be a Father of the Faith," I mused.

"There is a conundrum, Brother David, between something that can't be taught -- but something that can be learned."

I thought for a moment. "That's what they mean by witnessing, isn't it?"

"That, and of course, revelation."

"And it all hinges on faith, doesn't it? Without that nothing works."

"Exactly so, Brother David. Revelation shows someone a truth, but you can't witness for that truth unless you believe it to be truth. And unless you witness for your beliefs, there can be no learning. The belief in truth is called faith."

"I still don't understand faith in an all-powerful God, watching over us."

She smiled. "I found it to be the easiest thing in the world, Brother David. God either created all of us, and everything else in the universe -- or he didn't. If there was no creator, there could be no meaning in life -- we would be born, live and then die -- and for what? If God created the universe, then he had a reason for it -- a plan if you will. It comes down to a simple choice: is there a purpose to life and living or not? If there is no creator, then to what end do we live? What is the meaning of good and evil, without purpose? Without purpose, what would be the point of free will?"

"You can't imagine a universe with a purpose, but no God?"

"Why would it exist? Where would it have come from? Where would it be going? Is all of our existence random caprice of the fates? What would be the purpose for living if you had no choice and fulfilled no purpose?"

"Again, why can't you have free will without God?"

"Because without God we would be subject to random chance, Brother David. We would be subjected to being blotted out in a heart-beat if life's roulette wheel came up double-zero."

"Isn't that what we have now? We can get ill, wither and die. We suffer accidents, people kill others ... sometimes on purpose, other times it's because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It's a long list that includes things like running into a planet the size of Jupiter or the sun exploding."

"Brother David, it all goes back to the original question: does God exist? And that answer is personal and is the core of faith."

"Why can't you say, 'I don't know the answer to that question?'"

"Because the question is simple and basic. It's true or false: God exists or he doesn't. One way yields a worldview of hope; the other is bleak and pretty much without hope.

"Human existence, Brother David, is about behaving contrary to our nature. That's when we're at our best -- and when we're at our worst is when we follow our basic nature. It seems to me that the best things happen when we deny our true nature and do things because they are right. We see it in big things and little things."

"I wish I knew what was right," I told her.

"You are close to the knowledge, Brother David. Right now, go back and observe some more."

Again there was a moment's disorientation and I was once again aware of the flames. I was also aware that someone was going down on me.

I reached out and stroked Susan's hair. "This isn't necessary."

She giggled. "We wanted to talk to you, but you seemed to be very distracted. I thought I could distract you from your distraction -- but you were really very distracted." She returned to her ministrations. I must indeed have been very distracted ... because I came very quickly once I realized what was happening.

Susan smiled at me. "Are you happy?"

"Yes." I paused; the next question was a little personal, but it pertained to me too. "Is this proper?"

"It is but one way a woman can pleasure a man ... and there are many others. What is truly wonderful is that men can pleasure women in many ways as well. It is like a well that never runs dry. I had thought I would remain aloof, Brother David, but Sister Rebecca sapped my will power. All day long she has gone around with an insufferable grin of happiness. I remember my own expressions of joy and ... here I am.

"As for my sisters, the rules are different for a Father of the Faith. My status is an unmarried Maiden of the Faith ... we can sleep with a Father of the Faith as we wish."

I hoped it was true. Then I remembered the topic of my conversation with Joan.

"You said you all wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes, Brother David. A dispute has arisen, a small dispute, but an issue nonetheless. It would be a good thing if you would resolve it."

"And the dispute is what?"

"Sister Nadine says that Sister Rose's happiness -- and need -- is greater than hers, so she feels that Sister Rose should come to you tonight. Sister Rose said that it was understood that Sister Nadine was next, and she doesn't want to cut in front of her."

I thought for a moment. "Sister Susan, you understand that there isn't a good resolution to this issue?"

"We've been told that a Father of the Faith can resolve such things."

I laughed. "Solomon would have cut the baby in half -- me, I'm tempted to invite you to bed tonight."

"The problem would still remain," she reminded him. "You would only defer the question one day.

"And," she concluded, "the church does not permit more than one woman in a Father of the Faith's bed at a time, unless he is married to them all."

We walked downstairs, my mind buzzing with ideas. It wasn't until I saw the two young women, standing inches apart that it came to me.

"Sister Rose, I'd like to speak to you for a few minutes in privacy. We can use my room."

She silently nodded and I led the way, and then closed the door behind us.

"Sister Rose, Sister Susan tells me that you and Sister Nadine have a dispute. Sister Nadine thinks you should come to me tonight, and you think the original schedule should be followed. Tell me, Sister Rose. Which of you asked Brother Jerome if you could see a Father of the Faith first?"

"Sister Nadine, Brother David. Brother Jerome told me to think about my choice more, and that you would decide if I was old enough. It isn't right that Sister Nadine wants me to go first ... it's hers by right."

"I want you to be aware that I would have refused a change just because Sister Nadine wanted it. It isn't that you aren't a worthy young woman; but she should be first."

"I understand, Brother David. It's what my heart says is right."

"And I know for a fact that your heart is big enough to deal with another short wait.

"That said, you deserve a reward for what you did for the statist policewoman the other day. It was a brave, Christian thing to do."

"I did it for everyone," she reminded me. "I didn't do it for a reward."

"I know you and some of your sisters kindle sparks; you asked me once to kiss you. Sister Rose, there are those here who kindle sparks in my heart as well -- and you are chief among them. It will be a while before you can properly think about marriage, but there is no reason why we can't kindle small sparks for each other between now and then, when the time is appropriate."

Rose was serious. "Brother David, it just isn't done. A young woman first comes to the Light with a man before she can have a child. Then she has to wait until she is sixteen before she can be with a man again -- and then only a Father of the Faith and only if she wants a blessed child by him. A woman cannot lay freely with any man but her husband ... even to kindle small sparks."

"Like I said, you are at the top of my list of 'women I'd like to marry.' I know it is too soon to speak of such things directly, but I want you to know where you stand."

She nodded gravely. "I understand. Please, Brother David, tell Sister Nadine that I will have my time with you and then some -- and there is no reason to delay hers."

That turned out to be fine with Nadine; then Rose had her turn, and then others. It was a busy time over the next ten days.

We followed the news with great sadness. Nearly fifteen hundred people had been killed or seriously injured in the storm, dwarfing Hurricane Katrina's toll. The emergency response had been just fine -- but conditions while it was snowing prevented much being done.

Now that it had stopped snowing, thousands of first responders rushed into action, saving tens of thousands. The nation sat on tenterhooks as they watched rescues on live TV, seeing the people crying in gratitude for rescue.

For a week after the last snowfall, the temperature had stayed in the 20's. God, evidently, wasn't done. A cold front came down from Canada with heavy winds and below zero temperatures.

At the ranch we were lucky. While the thermometer hadn't ever gotten above freezing, the sun helped form a crust on the snow; when the bottom fell out of the thermometer, we were in good shape. There was little drifting, and not much blowing snow. What there was would have flayed a person out in the wind -- tiny, nearly microscopic ice particles. We were out of danger, and stayed warm and comfortable.

How to explain what happened in that time? I'd made up my mind already that I wasn't going to contest things any more -- but that didn't stop Rebecca, Susan and Rose from filling my days with things to think about.

They couldn't have known my particular misconceptions -- and at times they went places I'd never gone. The Faith was not just a pattern of belief -- it was a way of life. Many of the faithful held "gentile" jobs, but just as many helped in businesses of the Brothers and Sisters of the Faith.

I'd known my mother had done well investing in such enterprises; looking at the records of some of the businesses was even more eye opening. Every successful business has a core of satisfied customers. People of the Faith congregated in areas with each other, giving their Brothers and Sisters who had business a significant advantage.

I wouldn't call their business tactics ruthless -- they were uniformly what I'd call "Christian" but they held no love in their hearts for "gentiles." They might not cheat them, but they surely took advantage of them.

Take a simple thing: A member of the Faithful who was a contractor would arrive in the morning to pick up a load of materials for the day's work. Other members of the Faithful, store employees, would help them load the materials into their truck.

A gentile would have what they needed delivered to the dock where their truck was parked -- but loading their truck was up to them.

It might not sound like much, but day in and day out, it built up to a considerable advantage.

Normally my instinct would have been to call that an unfair business practice. But was helping friends unfair? Was discriminating against people who hold you in contempt -- or worse -- unfair?

I spent a lot of time contemplating my navel. Moreover, I'd grown used to visits from my spiritual mentor. It had taken a while, before I noticed that the only time she came was when I was with someone new.

"Are you a reward for my being a good boy?" I asked bluntly.

"Heaven's no! It is as Brother Jerome said -- at the peak of passion, you are close to God. As a Father of the Faith, at least for now, mostly you will see young women you've never met before."

I mulled that over. "How did you come to find God?"

She smiled sadly. "Brother David, I told you I made mistakes. Celibacy is an unnecessary sacrifice. Let us just say that in my time things were very much different from what they are now. A very different psychological climate. The word that described the experience of many of us in our relationship with God is overworked these days, but wasn't so much back then. Rapture."

"Oh," I whispered.

"Yes, mental rather than physical stimulation, but that produced the same results. I am pleased that Brother Jerome hasn't brought the word back; I'd be obliged if you wouldn't either.

"The world can be a cold, cruel, unjust, and lonely place. It makes no sense at all to give up what pleasures of the body you can find in the pursuit of ascetic monasticism."

"Do Brother Jerome and the other Fathers of the Church take too much pleasure in their activities?" I asked, my mind on things other than "ascetic monasticism."

She shook her head. "All of them were initially reluctant; all for the same reason. What is the saying these days? A mind is a terrible thing to waste? It is an awesome responsibility, Brother David. Daunting. While the act itself is pleasurable in the extreme, what happens leading up to it is fraught with concerns; what happens afterwards is a reflection of the importance and consequences of the acts."

She smiled thinly, looking over the fields around us.

"Have their been failures? Yes, of course. A human being is free to chose; some allow those choices to be constrained, others don't. Some seek independence and some of those define independence as doing something other than what others tell them to do, no matter how selfless and good the advice is.

"Most people strive to get along in the world as best they can; some delight in causing others trouble, pain and even, at times, suffering and destruction. Some are like Judas -- seduced by thirty pieces of silver; others simply want to appear in front of a wide audience. There are an infinite number of motivations people have -- whether it be to do good or to do evil and to what degree.

"Brother Jerome and the members of his Faith strive for the best. The have far better results than most modern faiths. Look at the young women given unto your care, Brother David. Some are older, some are younger. None are obese, none are overweight ... few even have a 'mesomorph' body classification. In short they eat right and exercise well.

"Brother Jerome was blessed with a revelation about faith and God. He has extraordinary powers; if he was Catholic he'd certainly end up a saint. He leads his flock with humility, stressing virtues that aren't common, but that are very real.

"The task he faces is that the leadership of the Faith is his age. And while they are middle-aged for the most part, there are no younger leaders. It is their hope -- and mine -- that you can step up."

"Even if I have profound doubts?"

"Saint Peter had profound doubts, Brother David! Our Lord and Savior had his doubts! It is like walking across burning coals. Anyone with confidence -- faith if you will -- can do it." She clapped her hands in glee. "I never thought about it like this before: faith is like riding a bicycle. Once you learn it, you'll never forget."

I woke up then, and smiled at the young woman next to me. Susan. Dear Susan. Of all of the young women I'd been with, she was of marriageable age. Did I want to spend my life with her? Was Brother Jerome right and I'd spend eternity with her?

Another smile crossed my face. What was wrong with finding out? Yes, she was younger than I was, but really, not that much. A typical teenager her age would be able to go on dates. I could ask her out! Dinner and a movie! How mundane! But while it might be mundane, it would serve a purpose.

I realized she was awake and looking at me. "Morning, sweet one," I told her.

"I know what you're thinking," she told me.

"Do you?"

"You're wondering what it would be like to be with me for all eternity."

I shrugged. "Yes."

"And that means you'd like to get to know me better ... except you are hindered by your heritage and experience. Dinner and a movie, right?"

"Pretty much."

"You said it better the other day, our first evening here. Shared toil makes the burdens seem lighter. Brother David, there is a lot of work to be done here, once the storm finally passes. Please, I would share the toil with you."

That was a horse of another color. I had, after all, said that and had meant it. They'd been right in how to divvy up the work in the kitchen and the household.

Five minutes later we were locked in a passionate embrace that made any previous women pale in comparison.

Afterwards, I fell asleep again, and for the first time, my mentor returned a second time when I was with the same woman.