Chapter 51

Present – Liz – In transit to psych hospital

I question, "Thom, do you really think Matt and Jim did something they weren't supposed to do because last time I met them they seemed pretty stable to me."

Thom (who is driving almost as crazy as Jens) replies, "Liz, you really have been out of the loop. Jim's wife screwed him over when she divorced him and he hasn't been the same since. Shit, he almost started a war at DIA."

I shake my head, "Damn, I'm gone for a few days and everything is all fucked up. So what did she do that was so bad?"

He answers, "Liz you're a woman and you know how it goes. The courts favor the woman and they get everything in the divorce except the bills. From what I heard she even took his guns and pawned them. Damn mercenary women!

I reply, "Thom, I sort of resent that..."

He interrupts, "Liz, don't go getting all women's lib on me, you know it's true almost all the time."

I think about it and finally conclude I have to agree with him - even though I don't like it...

Present – Thom – In transit to psych hospital

I'm pissed off and I'm going to kick some ass! I knew it was a mistake to send Matt and Jim on this mission because they aren't TSIFFTS. But dammit, they were the only bodies I had available. It would have been fine if Linus hadn't become sick. Yeah, this whole mess is all Maria's fault and someway I'm going to make her pay for this! But I have to do it in a way that won't get Linus too upset because he could kick my ass - or even worse leave the team.

The conversation with Liz doesn't help, but it does reinforce my belief that getting married is a big mistake. I thought I had shut her up but then she asks, "Thom, what's your plan of action when we get to the psych hospital?"

Damn that's the 64 million dollar question! I truthfully answer, "Liz, I have no idea what the hell is going on at the damn loony bin so I guess we're just going to play it by ear."

She smiles and adds another question, "So do you have an extra handgun?"

Yeah, I've always liked Liz's style – shoot first and then shoot again. I reach down to my ankle holster and hand her a snub nose revolver. She tucks it into her purse as I order, "Now don't do something crazy."

She laughs and teases, "Thom I thought that was your job."

I think about it and I guess I have to agree with her, even though I don't like it...

Present – Jens

What the frack! I hear some weird sounding melodic bells then music and weird sounding lyrics start:

"Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done
Dum, dum, dum, it's the sound of my gun
Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done
Dum, dum, dum, it's the sound, it's the sound..."

And I see Steven Tyler and Aerosmith? What the frack!

He continues:

"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah..."

What the frack is this song?

Then he begins to sing:

Jenny's got a gun
Jenny's got a gun
Her whole world's come undone
From lookin' straight at the sun
What did her Ben do
What did he put her through

They say when Jenny was arrested
They found him with a bullet in his brain
But man, Ben had it comin'
Now that Jennys' got a gun
She ain't never gonna be the same

Jenny's got a gun
Jenny's got a gun
Her dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell me now it's untrue
What did her Ben do?

Wait this isn't right, this is supposed to be Janie's Got A Gun! And no one, not even that sleaze bag womanizer Steven Tyler can call me Jenny! I start running towards the stage to kick his ass and then things get really strange...

Present – Masha – At St. Josephs Central Hospital

I seriously wonder about the doctors in this country. I get to the hospital and determine they confined Linus in isolation because they cannot diagnose what is wrong with him.

When I arrive at the isolation area I ask the nurse, "Would it be possible if I could see him."

She responds, "Sorry, but only family members are allowed to visit."

I give her a concerned look, hold up my right hand, show her my wedding ring and lie, "Please ma'am Linus is my husband."

She questions, "Then why is your ring on the right hand?"

I impatiently explain, "I am Orthodox and we use the right hand for our wedding rings."

She gives me a dirty look and snidely responds, "Well in America that means you're divorced. I will go see if your so called husband wants to see you."

I wait and ponder on the nature of American females, so many of them act like sukas...

Present – Linus – At St. Josephs Central Hospital

God I am so sick! At least my stomach is empty so I've stopped puking and shitting. But the cramps are hell and feel like they're ripping my guts out. They tried giving me some pills, but I puked those right back up! Then they tried several injections but nothing has worked. Now they've put me in isolation and everyone wears gowns and masks when they come in - even my bitchy as hell nurse.

I watch her gown up by the door then she comes in the room glares at me and says, "Someone who says she's your wife is here to see you."

I get excited because I think that Maria has come to help me, so I lie, "Well she is certainly my wife so send her right in."

She takes her sweet time taking off the isolation gear and heads to get Maria...

However I get a big surprise because it isn't Maria that comes into my room, it the crabby-assed nurse and Masha.

Masha winks at me and says, "Honey you are so sick are they taking good care of you?"

I reply, "Not really they don't know what's wrong with me."

Masha leans to kiss me and the nurse interrupts, "Sorry, but he's in isolation so you can't kiss him."

I'm shocked at what Masha does next...

Present – Matt and Jim – At the psych hospital

We finally arrive with the doctor at the psych hospital, grab our bags, walk inside and hear over the intercom, "Code blue room three-o-two."

The doctor looks at me and explains, "Damn people don't normally code in a psychiatric hospital. I wonder if they're setup for it. I've got my bag and have done hundreds of codes so let's see if I can help."

We race to the elevator, go up to the third floor and see all hell has broken loose. I look at Jim and gripe, "Jim, I don't like this."

We rush into the room and see a body on the floor covered in with a sheet! And they are working like crazy on someone else! The doctor offers "I'm a trauma doctor, what's going on and can I help?"

One of the nurses says, "Thank God you're here! All the professional staff are psychologists and they don't know what they're doing. One person is already dead and this person isn't breathing."

He orders, "Move the hell out of my way, get me a crash cart and let me take over!"

She admits in a panic, "We don't have a crash cart!"

The doctor looks at Jim and orders, "Head back to the car and bring in the portable defibrillator unit, it looks like a big briefcase."

Jim takes off, everyone moves out of the way and... fuck me they're working on Jens!

Present – Jens

The guitar player breaks into a long solo, I look and he's got short hair - it's fricken BEN! Finally I'm going to catch his ass and start running towards the stage as pansy-assed Tyler sings:

"Ben run away, run away from the pain
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Ben run away, run away from the pain
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

Ben drops his guitar and takes off running. As I jump up on the stage, Steven Tyler pulls a gun on me ... So I kick his ass, take the gun away from him and start chasing Ben.

As I run, fricken Tyler starts to sing a new and insulting as hell song:

"(That) (that) Dude looks like a lady
(That) (that) Dude looks like a lady..."

I yell over my shoulder, "Keep it up Tyler and I'll put my foot so far up your rear you'll be spitting shoe leather for a week."

And for once I run faster and I'm gaining on Ben!!!

Present – Jack

Well, I'm thankful they didn't take Ivan away from me - I'm sitting at the table in an interrogation room with Ivan making paper airplanes for him as I promised. He's throwing them and having a great time but I can't enjoy it because I wonder why the hell I'm here.

He throws the next one, it does a perfect circle, hits the floor and an agent walks in and steps on it. Ivan says, "Very bad man." Again I bite my tongue! He says, "Excuse me, Jack Reynolds we need to talk. Now will your son be a bother..."

I interrupt and threaten, "Listen, I don't know why you've detained me and my son, but if you try to take him away from me it's going to be painful."

He smiles at me, and answers, "Mr. Reynolds we just need to talk to you is all."

He pulls up a chair, sits down and we 'have a talk'. I can't fucking believe what he's asking me about! No it's not about what happened at the DC airport and thank God it's not about my lovely wife Masha (I was really worried they finally figured out she was or is some sort of spy).

He asks, "Mr. Reynolds, we've been looking over your DD two-fourteen¹ and there seems to be some unexplainable gaps. We were hoping you could fill us in on where you were during some of these times especially concerning two-thousand-four. There is no record at all of where you were."

¹ DD 214 a document of the United States Department of Defense, issued upon a military service member's retirement, separation or discharge from active-duty military.

I mentally confirmed it was damn straight there are some gaps in my military record - and for a damn good reason: What I was doing was classified. And there's no way in hell I'm going to tell you where I was in 2004. No Siree! Revealing the time Banzai and I spent in the damn fucking desert and then in Russia the bastard would probably lock me up and throw away the key.