Chapter 40

Present – Ben – Travel back to the bunker

I double check to make sure the damn rhino is really gone this time, drop to the ground, head right to Stacy's tree, climb up into the lower branches and shout, "Hey Stacy can you hear me?"

But she doesn't answer! Damn! Now I'm going to have to climb up and somehow bring her down out of the tree without hurting her more. I slowly climb and begin to question where the hell the lions and rhino came from. I'm part way up the tree (damn she really could climb like a fucking monkey) and try to wrap my head around what's happened in the last 24 hours.

I didn't kill a bastard that I knew needed to be killed. He took advantage of Stacy's innocence and escaped with her weapons (damn I'm going to miss that M4) and her keys for the bunker (now we can't be sure we're safe there). But the craziest things to happen are the lions and the rhino. Then it hits me - we're in fucking Texas! There are private game reserves in Texas for hunting African animals without going to Africa, so they must have escaped from one of those. I wonder what the hell kind of animals we will next need to watch out for! OH SHIT! I just remember one of the major problems in Texas and realize how fucking lucky we were last night by sleeping out in the open...

Present – Stacy – Travel back to the bunker

Mean Miss Gulch (she looks remarkably like Ben's bitchy ex-fiancée) takes Patches my dog away in her basket and I'm heartbroken because Grandmamma doesn't stop her. So I run away from home, catch mean Miss Gulch, kick her ass and rescue Patches. I take Patches with me when I notice a big tornado coming.

Patches and I run back to our farmhouse where I look all over for my Grandmamma. I can't find her so I hide in the house as the tornado picks up the house. I become really sick from the way it spins as it is picked up by the winds. When it crashes to the ground really hard, I look outside and exclaim, "Patches, I don't think we're in Texas anymore."

I step out of the house, hear a bunch of giggling, look down at my ugly and old as hell dress then it hits me and I yell, "I'm not fracking Dorothy Gale and this certainly isn't OZ."

Glinda the Good Witch floats down and explains, "Don't be silly! You're Stacy and this is the Land of ODD."

I'm speechless as she waves her wand. There's a poof and the next thing I know I'm wearing ruby (what the frack?) running shoes.

I can't fracking believe it and question, "If this is ODD and not OZ, what's so fracking odd about this place anyway?"

Before Glinda can answer I see HER! And this time I'm sure it's Ben's bitchy ex-fiancée because she flies in on a broom. I recognize her immediately as the Wicked Witch of the West. She fittingly cackles, "I'll get you my pretty and I'll take your little dog too!"

I flip her off and challenge, "Oh yeah bitch, there's no way in hell you're going to catch me!" And I begin running down the purple brick (what the frack?) road.

I don't know what the hell it is about these shoes, but I can run like the wind. Which is a good thing, since I hear a noise behind me, glance over my shoulder and see a ferocious lion (what the frack?) chasing me...

I run through a forest of friendly living apple trees who see the lion chasing me and begin throwing their apples at it. One hits the lion square in the face and it falls to the ground. I slow down and finally realize what's odd about this place - it's all backwards and confused.

As I am catching my breath, I look down at Patches and say, "This is one messed up place." She whinnies. Since when do dogs whinny? I try to remember the movie from my childhood to the best of my ability so I can be prepared for what's coming next. But I can't believe it when a tin rhinoceros charges out the woods. It takes one look at me and Patches, paws the ground and starts to chase us!

We are running like crazy again but the tin rhino is really fast and is gaining on us. Just before it gets close enough to kill us, it begins to rain. The rhino begins to slow as it rusts and finally it's frozen in place. I turn around, run back and kick it over. Then I giggle because this might be the first time anyone has done rhino tipping instead of cow tipping.

We continue walking down the purple brick road, I look at Patches and review, "Okay. Let's see, we've had a ferocious lion, a tin rhino, I wonder what's next?" I should have known better to ask, because as we pass a corn field, the scarecrow jumps out and chants, "Lions and Rhinos and ME, Oh my!" Fracking son-of-a-bitch! The scarecrow is the bastard Guy!

I'm pissed as hell and threaten, "Oh yeah! How about a little fire scarecrow?" I pull a Bic lighter out of my pocket and 'Flick my Bic' on the Guy scarecrow! As he burns and screams in anguish, I yell, "That's right bastard, this is just a little taste of what hell's going to be like for you."

I become really scared when I see the flying monkeys (I can remember how frightened I was of them when I was a little girl) but I'm too frightened to run. They land and warn me, "Quick Stacy, the Wicked Witch of the West is coming." I realize that they're good this time not bad and get ready to run when the Wicked Witch of the West flies in and says, "But you forgot about me, my pretty!"

I think for a moment and decide that if water killed her in the movie, and if this Land of ODD is all backwards, then, YES! I grab a piece of the flaming Guy scarecrow, throw it at her and surprisingly enough it works. She starts to burn and cackles, "You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm burning! burning! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!"

I look at the flying monkeys and ask, "How do I get out of here?"

They tell me, "You need to go to the Quartzite city and see the all-powerful Wizard of ODD."

I curtsy and ask, "Well since you can fly and since I know you can carry me, would you fly me and Patches to the Quartzite city?" The agree and we're at the city gate in no time flat. I knock on the door, a little window opens and Ben grumbles, "What do you want?"

I ask politely, "I want to see the Wonderful Wizard of ODD."

He gives me a dirty look and complains, "Go away, you look like a whore."

I reply, "Oh yeah! Well I've just defeated a ferocious lion, a tin rhino, a Guy scarecrow and your ex-fiancée the Wicked Witch of the West. So now I'm going to kick your ass for that last comment."

I click the heels together on the ruby running shoes and they blow down the fracking door. I get ready to kick his ass when I hear, "Stacy are you okay?"

I yell, "If you ever call me a whore again I'm going to kick your ass!" I look around, realize I'm not in the Land of ODD but still in the tree and I hug the hell out of Ben...

Present – Ben – Travel back to the bunker

SHIT! She's still pissed about that remark and I feel bad as hell about it. That statement and not killing Guy probably triggered this whole incident. She hugs me. I return the hug and apologize, "Stacy I'm sorry about that comment and I'm even sorrier I didn't kill Guy when I first saw him."

She cries on my shoulder and says, "And Ben I'm sorry because I thought I could use Guy to make you jealous. I should have never trusted him or set him free."

This hug has gone on more than I'm comfortable with so I break it off and question, "Well can you climb down out of the tree?"

She moves slowly and answers, "Well, I'm really sore but I think getting out of this tree will help."

I say, "Well let me reload the rifle first." I remove my pack and hang it on a branch, grab the Winchester, find the ammo in my go pack and slip the cartridges into the load ramp. I hand the rifle back to Stacy, put the pack back on, take the rifle and we begin to climb down the tree.

As we near the ground Stacy says, "Ben look!"

I turn to look and can't believe it. Now these could be big problems!

Present – Stacy – Travel back to the bunker

I freak out when I look down because at first I thought it was a group of flying monkeys, then I realize they are gorillas. I point them out to Ben and question, "Ben where did all these circus animals come from?"