Chapter 2

Present – Jack – Extended stay hotel – Washington D.C.

What the hell! It seems like I just got to sleep and now the phone's ringing. Shit! It wakes up Masha and Ivan. And now Ivan's upset. I grab the phone and bellow, "Hold on a minute I'll be right back." I get Ivan, put him in the bed with Masha and me, then I pick up the receiver and continue, "This had better be fucking important."

Linus responds, "Jack can you come down to the police station and bail us out?"

I ask, "Linus, what the hell did you do two do now?"

He answers, "Listen Jack, we got pulled over on the way to the hotel..."

I interrupt and exclaim, "Linus don't tell me you let Jens drive again - haven't you learned any - fucking - thing?"

Linus sighs and says, "Jack just get your ass down to the station."

I shake my head and promise, "I'll be there as soon as I can..."

Present – Jens – An hour or so earlier on the way to the extended stay hotel – Washington D.C.

I'm still grumpy as a grizzly about not catching and bringing my runaway fiancé back home with us. Linus is driving, not doing anything crazy at all and suddenly there are flashing lights, cop lights, in my side mirror. That cheers me up a little so I giggle as I do my best Dan Aykroyd impression, "Shit!"

Linus questions, "What?"

I continue my Dan Aykroyd performance, "Rollers!"

Linus replies, "Shit! Jens we aren't the Blues Brothers so cut the cheesy quotes."

I continue to chuckle and chirp, "You want cheesy quotes, how about this one, 'Did you get my cheese whiz boy.'" Then I get serious and remind him with another quote, "Oh yeah? Well me and the Lord, we have an understanding. We're on a mission from God."

Linus shakes his head, pulls over and says, "Jens, don't quit your day job and let me do the talking." I giggle and think: Fat-fricken-chance, this is t-o-o-o much fun!

I watch in the rear view mirror as the cops approach the car and I open the passenger door and jump out.

One of them yells at me, "Mister, get back in the car."

Well that fires me up, s-o-o-o I sass him, "Mister! Do I look or sound like a fricken mister to you? Just for that - no donuts for you!"

Linus yells at me, "Jens get back in the car or else."

I'm not sure what the 'or else' is going to be so I get back in the car and the cops simmer down.

One walks up beside Linus' rolled down window - his belly's so big he looks like he's fifteen months pregnant. I giggle and wonder when was the last time he saw his ding-a-ling. Linus says, "Sorry officers, we've had a bad day and my friend is a little upset. Just why did you stop me?"

The cop says, "Your brake lights are burned out."

I laugh my rear off and explosively expound, "See Linus I told you so! You use the brakes so much you burned out the bulbs." Then I holler over to the cop, "That's about the lamest excuse for stopping someone I've ever heard of. What's wrong? Is your donut fund getting low? Here's a few bucks for your fund, now leave us alone." I dig in my purse, find a couple twenties, wad them up and toss them out the window hitting him in his bulging belly.

Linus yells at me, "Julia! Cut it out!"

The cop can barely bend down but then shines his flashlight in my face and says, "Are you trying to bribe me?"

I smile, giggle and answer, "That depends: Do you take cash bribes or do you only take donuts?"

The cop replies, "Miss, I think you're drunk, please step out of the car."

I sass, "Make up your fricken mind. First you want me to get back in the car now you want me to get out of the car. Just which one is it?"

My door opens and surprises me, so I jump out of the car, accidentally catch the other cop square on the jaw with the top of my head and he drops like a ton of donut-stuffed bricks. I giggle and say, "Uh oh, I guess I made a boo-boo."

On Linus' side, his portly partner pulls his pistol and shouts, "Get on the ground right now!"

I've been to a real prison and I'm sure not going to their crappy jail cell so I say, "No fricken way, that was an accident! You want me on the ground you're going to have to put me on the ground." Then I take off running.

The donut debilitated cop waddles after me and yells, "Stop or I will shoot!"

I yell back, "Like you could hit me you big fat tub o' donut-lard."

I almost get away, when another cop car starts driving down the street toward me. I look hard, but see there are no alleys - I'm trapped between a tub o' donut-lard and Starsky and Hutch. The two new cops bail out of their car and run toward me. One is bald so I giggle and yell, "Look, Kojak is here to save the day."

I'm not paying attention and tub o' donut-lard tackles me, so we begin fighting on the ground. The third cop joins in the fight. He smells b-a-d! He probably hasn't had a bath for days so I yell, Get off me you fat fricken Magnum B.O!"

The Kojak cop, standing close to us yells, "Get clear." The two I'm fighting with roll away and I wonder what they are up to. I hear a loud pop, feel the barbs stick in me and the last thing I remember is thrashing around on the ground...

Present – Jack – Police station – Washington D.C.

Son of a bitch! Rousted out of my warm bed beside my hot wife by the crazy antics of a broken down old Seal and a crazy assed Jens! If this is what it's like to have teenage daughters, I'm going to get 'fixed' ASAP! Those two are going to pay for their bullshit. I storm into the police station, walk up to the desk and say, "I think you have a couple of my friends here."

The desk sergeant glares at me and says, "Oh yeah, well who are they?"

I give him their names, he gets serious and says, "Yeah those two are in big trouble!"

I shake my head and question, "Don't tell me - speeding or reckless driving?"

The desk sergeant gets even more serious and spends five minutes reading me the litany of charges against Jens and the two charges against Linus: One being the burned out brake lights, the other assaulting an officer.

I can't believe it! What the hell went on with those two? I offer, "Well, I'd like to post their bail."

He replies, "Well, you can certainly post bail for Linus Gates, but Jennifer Donaldson can't get out until she has a hearing with a judge in the morning."

I control my temper but demand, "What! Why can't she be released on bail tonight?"

He grins at me and explains, "It seems she has multiple outstanding warrants?"

I shake my head slowly afraid to ask, "What for?"

He grins again (he's enjoying this WAY too much), "Failure to pay parking tickets."

Son of a bitch! Failure to pay parking tickets! I can't believe it but ask anyway, "Well just how many parking tickets does she have?"

The desk sergeant smiles as he responds, "We've been after her forever because she has more than anyone in D.C. has ever had: Forty-three."

I can't believe it! Jens is on some sort of one-woman parking ticket crime spree. I resign myself to the inevitable and say, "Well, let me post bail for Mr. Gates."

I post Linus's bail, sit on my ass forever and wait for him to show up. He finally shows up, I grab him by the arm, rush him outside and say, "Just what the fuck went on?"

Present – Linus – Outside the police station – Washington D.C.

Jack is pissed as hell and I don't blame him! He rushes me outside the police station and asks me, "Just what the fuck went on!"

So I tell him how Jens went fucking wild and all the things she did. He gives me a dirty look and asks, "So what about the assaulting an officer charge for you?"

I look him in the eyes and say, "I beat the shit out of an officer. He tased Jens again after she had been tased once and was already unconscious."

He replies, "The bastard! I would have done the same thing."

I ask, "So they wouldn't let you bail Jens out?"

Jack fumes, "Hell no, they said she had outstanding warrants for fucking parking tickets. She has to appear before a judge in the morning."

I chuckle and Jack asks, "What's so funny about that."

I respond, "Well, with the mood Jens is in, I pity the other women in her holding cell."

Present – Jens – Holding cell – Washington D.C.

I know I'm in deep doo-doo when they just don't throw me in a holding cell. Instead they make me change my clothes to a fricken-fracken prison orange jumpsuit!

Orange is not my best color and it sure as heck isn't my favorite color. In fact this is the first time I've worn orange since my time in prison and just having to wear it makes me one cranky beotch! Adding to that, I'm still stiff and sore from the donut-eating-illegitimate-son tasing me, which was a cheap pansy-bootied trick – I hate getting tased.

I am smart enough not to mess with the female guards because normally they don't bother with the tasers, they just beat you with their nightsticks. And if you get them too upset, it's the rubber hoses late at night. Besides once they learned I beat the heck out of a couple donut-eaters I was sort of a heroine to them. Seems they don't care for the tub o' donut-lard donut-breaths any more than I do. They march me down to the cell and throw me in with the rest of the dregs of society and I feel right at home. After losing Ben, I'm a loser just like them. I move over to the side of the cell, sit on a bench and mind my own business.

It starts right after the guards leave: Some fat cow black mama-jama comes up and demands, "Hey cracker, whatcha-in-for? Ja go ova limit on ya Visa card?" The rest my cell mates laugh.

I glare at her and mutter, "No fat cow mama-jama crack ho, I beat the crap out of a couple donut eating cops."

She spits back, "Who ya callin' a crack ho?"

I giggle and taunt, "You! I even hear you're from I-Da-Ho!"

She comes back with a threat, "I gonna kick that cracker ass of yas then I'm makin' ya ma bitch."

I stand up and say, "Oh yeah! I'm going to beotch slap you so hard your mama's going to scream."

She jumps towards me so I step out of the way, grab her by the back of the head and slam her head first into the wall. She falls to the floor like a five hundred pound bag of Idaho potatoes. I giggle because she jiggles like Jell-O.

That fires up the rest of the dregs in the cell with me and it's a huge fricken fight. I make sure to keep my back against the wall and wait for them to come to me. A little chiquita runs towards me: I wait till she gets close enough and kick her in the face. She slides to the floor as if she slipped on a banana peel.

Two big black mama-jamas (I think they're the Jell-O crack ho beotchs) try to double team me. I grab both their heads and crack them together! Then push them on top of the Jell-O crack ho and announce, "Looks like we have a full bowl of Jell-O."

All the noise of course attracts the guards, but they're smart beotchs so they wait until it's over and I'm the last girl standing before they come into the cell. I know the routine so I automatically turn, put my hands on the wall, spread my legs and wait. But I can't believe what the sneaky beotchs do to me...

Present – Jack – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

After Linus tells me what went on, I know I need to spend the rest of this early morning talking to a lawyer so we head to the Truth Network and to our office...

We walk into the office and it's even worse than I remembered. I fight back the urge to puke - it looks like the bastard child of Salvador Dali and Andy Warhol! As if two men could have a child. I look around and announce to Linus, "This office is fubared! Some psycho bitch on LSD must have done the decorating."

Megan walks in behind me and I turn and notice her arms are full of more decorating shit. She says, "Thanks Jack, that 'psycho bitch on LSD' you just referred to would be me. What's wrong with my interior decorating? I feel it's both functional and fun - just what this office needs."

I glare at her and think: No it's more like dysfunctional and dreadful. But I avoid the issue by saying, "Megan, we have a huge problem. Jens went ballistic last night and is locked up in jail."

She smiles and orders, "Well, get your ass down there and bail her out."

Damn bossy woman! I respond, "Megan, I was just down there and bailed Linus out, they wouldn't let me bail Jens out because she's a one-woman parking ticket crime spree and she has to appear before the judge in the morning. Plus she insulted and beat up a couple of police officers and has a laundry list of charges against her. I think they're going to try to 'throw the book' at her."

She grins, flips her hair and orders, "Jack you and Linus go back to the hotel and catch some sleep. Just leave this to me and I will take care of everything. By the way, when you get there, kick Maria's fat lazy Mexican ass out of bed, tell her to go into Jens room and bring me Jens' best suit, a change of nice underwear, nylons and toiletries, especially a razor."

I was happy as hell to have this load off my shoulders so I let the bossy bitch see if she can handle it! I grin and reply, "Will do." Linus and I head for the door.

Megan annoyingly reminds us, "Don't forget what I said about Maria."

Linus and I both wave our hands and say, "Yeah, yeah, we won't forget."

We hit the hallway, get a safe distance away and Linus complains, "Damn! She is one bossy bitch! I don't know how you put up with it!"

I grin at Linus and agree, "Yeah if they had a hen-pecking contest she'd easily win first prize. Let me tell you my secret: Every time some woman hen-pecks me, I just remember how lucky I am to have a lovely and beautiful wife who is just the opposite."

Linus asks, "You mean Masha isn't that way?"

I respond, "Hell no, Russian women know how to treat their men. Besides, I prefer to get even not angry. So watch the master and learn a few lessons on revenge."

Present – Megan – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

I tried my best to fall back to sleep last night after my phone call with Liz, but I couldn't so I came down to the office and poked around. I finally found the items Liz had in her office before Jens destroyed it (it was one of the most beautiful offices I'd ever seen). I incorporated some of those items in with some of the things I'd had used to decorate it earlier and I really like the office again. I sure hope Liz likes it when she gets back today.

Then Jack has the audacity to come in and insult my hard work! Fuck him and his antiquated opinions, I'm sure Liz will love it. He is just upset about Jens being kept overnight in jail. Frankly it will do her some good! She's become one annoying little bratty bitch and needs to be taken down a couple notches, but not so many notches that it upsets Liz. I sit at the desk, admire my excellent design work, tap a pencil on my teeth and think about the best way to solve Jens' problem...

Finally it hits me: I have a brilliant fucking idea! I grab the phone, wake up my favorite shyster lawyer, promise him a huge fee (which the bratty bitch will gladly pay) and start typing up my notes on the computer...

Present – Linus – Extended stay hotel – Washington D.C.

I catch a few on the way back to the hotel, wake up when Jack stops the car and he says, "Come on Seal, time for you to learn the fine art of revenge."

We head into the hotel, take the elevator to our floor, walk to Maria's room and Jack beats the hell out of her door. The noise reverberates in the hallway and reminds me of IED's going off in Iraq. He keeps banging and starts yelling, "Maria! Wake up!" I make a mental note to never let Jack wake me up!!!

Present – Maria – Extended stay hotel – Washington D.C.

Son-of-a-bitch! It sounds like fucking World War Three in the hallway. Someone is banging the hell out of my door and it scares me so badly I almost piss my bed! Then I hear Jack yelling, Maria! Wake up!" The crusty old fart, I'm going to kick his ass! I touch my face, grimace from the pain of the bruises from last night and add, right after I kick his boney wife's ass!

I jump out of bed, head to the door, throw it open and look at the surprised faces of Jack and Linus. Then I realize I don't have any clothes on, slam the door and yell, "Give me a second!" Jack, the bastard, starts banging on the door again and yelling. I run back into my room, toss the top drawer and finally find a t-shirt that barely covers my ass. I run back to the door, open it and they're both grinning like Cheshire cats.

I snap, "I hope you two got your jollies from that. This had better be fucking important or I'm going to kick both your asses!"

Jack continues to grin and says, "We have an order for you from Megan. Now remember, we are just the messengers so don't kill us! She said to tell you to get your fat, lazy, incompetent Mexican ass out of bed. Go into Jens' room, and fetch Jens' best suit, a change of nice underwear, nylons and toiletries, especially a razor. And she added to make it snappy!"

I hadn't even had a cup of Joe yet and I'm not sure I heard him right so I ask, "What the fuck did you just say!"

He and Linus explain to me how my Princess Boss went wacko, beat up some cops, has forty three outstanding parking tickets and needs to appear before a judge in the morning. Then Jack grins like hell as he repeats Megan's order.

I glare at him and ask, "Those were her words?"

Jack says, "Yeah that seems to be almost her exact words."

That boney assed bitch! Where does she get off talking to me like that? I'm going to make her fucking pay! It wakes me better than five cups of black coffee. I order, "You two wait here while I go change into some clothes." I grab my BDU's, head into the bathroom...

Present – Linus – Extended stay hotel – Washington D.C.

I grin at Jack, and he grins back: Damn what a devious old devil-dog! He repeated almost word-for-word what Megan told us and now Maria is one pissed off bitch on a mission. Let me revise that, after seeing her fine firm nude body in the doorway, she's a hot as hell pissed off bitch on an ass kicking mission. And there's nothing I like better than watching two women fight!

Jack nudges my elbow and nods his head towards her nightstand. I look over and ... No fucking way! She has ... I can't believe it! She has an electronic boyfriend lying there!

Maria walks out of the bathroom and notices where we're looking. We blush as she announces, "Don't get your titties in a wringer, there's not a decent man to be found in all of DC and believe me, I've tried a few of them. They're all like parking places, the good ones are taken and all that's left are the handicapped. So like most women I've had to take matters into my own hands! Stop gawking because I don't have time right now to give you a demonstration. Now let's get all this shit out of Jens' room and get down to the station. I want to have a little talk with that boney bossy bitch!"

Jack nudges my arm and winks at me as we storm down to Jens' room. Maria unlocks the door, flies into Jens' room as Jack and I pause at the doorway. I blink and rub my eyes because I can't believe what the fuck I'm seeing.

I look at Jack and determine he's as amazed as I am. I carefully ask, "Maria, is this the way Jens' room normally looks?"

She stops, looks around, turns towards us and says, "Yeah this is pretty much normal for her room."

No! Get your minds out of the gutter because there isn't an electronic boyfriend on the nightstand. In fact the room is Marine spotless! It's what's on the walls, that troubles both of us! It's covered, well not completely covered, with pictures of Ben. But the pictures aren't troubling; it's the many blow gun darts sticking out of each picture - some even have little notes on them. I analyze the location of the darts and realize none of them are in lethal locations but most of them are in painful (some VERY painful) locations. I walk over and pull out one of the darts with a note on it. Maria complains, "You'd better put that back or Jens will kick your ass! She doesn't like anyone messing with her effigies. I took all the darts out of one once and she bitch slapped the hell out of me."

I read the note, carefully put the dart back the in the exact same place, look at Jack and shake my head. He goes to speak and I hold my finger up to my lips...

Maria announces, "I'm done let's get to the fucking station!"

We head down, jump in the car and Jack drives sedately to the station while Maria fumes in the back seat...

Present – Maria – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

Jack is driving slower than my grandmother so I loudly complain, "Hey pendejo¹ you think you can drive a little faster? I just think I saw an abuela² moving faster than we are."

¹ Jackass

² Grandmother

Jack gives me a dirty look and explains, "I've had my fill of police stations for the night, so sit back and shut up. By the way, the next time you call me a jackass, I'm going to start calling you puta³!"

³ Whore

When we finally get to the network, I jump out of the car with all of Jens' crap in my arms and make a beeline for the office...

Present – Jack – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

It's all I can do to keep from laughing when we get to the network. Maria flies out of the car while it's still moving, takes all of Jens' crap and runs into the building, swearing up a storm under her breath. Linus yells, "Jack get this fucking car parked, I don't want to miss any of the action."

We park and head inside as I ask Linus, "So you learn anything?"

He laughs, "Yeah, I learned not to get you pissed off at me and not to let you wake me up in the morning. But aren't you worried those two will really hurt each other?"

I remember trying to stop the fight between them earlier, getting knocked out and answer, "Not really. Those two need to work this shit out between themselves. I interfered earlier and paid a hell of a price for it. So, you want to make a little bet on who's going to win?"

Linus laughs, "That's easy, Maria is going to kick Megan's ass."

I reply, "Put your money where your mouth is, because I think there's much more to Megan than meets the eye."

Linus offers, "I've got a c-note that says Maria kicks her ass."

I laugh and counter with, "Shit! Let's make it two!"

Linus shakes my hand and taunts, "This will be like taking candy from a baby."

I laugh, "Yeah, you'll be crying like that baby when you hand me my two hundred."

Present – Linus – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

We walk into the office and see that it's totally destroyed (which I have to say is an improvement over the way it looked last time I was here). But I'm disappointed because the fight is already over: Maria and Megan are both lying in a heap on the floor...

I look around the room and exclaim, "Shit No!"

Jack asks, "What the hell is wrong. It looks to me like we missed the fight and both lost."

I answer, "Those two fucking destroyed the computer. Now I have to rebuild everything."

Jack questions, "Didn't you back up your work?"

I reply, "Of course I did, but it's still going to take a couple hours to get it running again."

Jack walks over, nudges Megan with the toe of his boot, reaches down and picks up a piece of hair and says, "Well it could be worse - you could still be in jail."

Present – Jens – Solitary cell – Washington D.C.

I wake up and I'm darn peed off! I reach and touch my left booty cheek, it's sore as heck. I touch the right and it's even worse. Those boney beotchs tased me twice, once in each cheek! Bunch of pansy-bootied prima donnas! I should have kicked their booties too! I slowly wake and realize ... Dammit, I let my teenage angst get me in trouble again! I fight like hell to regain my womanhood...

Most people think it's terrible to be in jail or prison, but they just fool themselves. I figured this out while I was in Leavenworth. Real prison is just an outward manifestation of what most people live each day. You see they walk through this life, in denial that they are living in a prison of their own creation. They are prisoners to their work because of things like spouses, mortgage payments, cars and keeping up with the neighbors. They leave all those 'things' that they work so hard to acquire each morning and go off to a day of solitary servitude.

Prison or jail, I laugh! Because I've been 'locked up' since that fateful day years ago when my heart was chained to Ben, he's just as bad as I am, but hasn't realized it yet. So jail or prison, it's a piece of fricken cake compared to what I live each day. The only time I was truly free ... were those few glorious months I spent with Ben in Hawaii and the even shorter time we fought beside each other ... Now that was living ... living outside the walls of my own personal prison!

Oh well, at least I'm in solitary again. I like it much better here because I don't have to watch my back all the time. I flip on my back but it hurts the hell out of my butt, so I turn towards the wall, pick at the paint, wonder what the hell my runaway fiancé is doing, and start humming one of Ben's favorite Lynyrd Skynyrd songs. Then I softly sing the words as tears run down my cheeks:

"Well them four walls of Raiford closin' in on me.

Doin' three to five hard labor for armed robbery.

I had two years behind me but I could not wait the time.

Every time I thought about Ben, well I died some more inside!"

I miss the hell out of him! I sure hope he didn't marry the young sneaky little bitch! I giggle and think ... if he did I might have to shoot both of them...

Present – Linus – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

I respond to Jack, "Yeah that's fucking funny, at least I'm not in jail. No this is worse than jail because I've got to fix what these two bitches broke!"

But I decide first I'm going to 'fix' their problem once and for all. I go to my bag and pull out two pair of handcuffs. Jack watches me and asks, "Linus what the hell are you doing?"

I respond, "I'm tired of this bullshit and I'm going to fix the situation." I drag the two women so they are back to back and handcuff both their hands to each other. Then I go to the water cooler, rip off the bottle, walk over and start to dump it on both of them!"

They wake up and start squalling like a pair of wet cats!

Megan yells...

Present – Megan – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

I yell, "Stop trying to drown me you son of a bitch!" I try to move but realize I'm restrained, "And let me go you fucking bastard!"

I open my eyes and see Linus standing over me with the water cooler bottle but he's not smiling! In fact, he's more pissed off looking than I've ever seen him.

He yells, "You two fucked up my computer with your fight. I'm tired of the bullshit between you. Now you're both going to stay handcuffed together until I finish repairing the computer."

Maria starts shouting, "Let me go so I can kick her boney ass again!"

She yanks her arms and the handcuffs hurt my wrists so I complain, "Maria stop it that makes my wrists hurt."

Linus grins and dumps more water on us!

I yell, "Linus you bastard! Cut it out!"

He dumps water on us again and Maria yells, "You fucker! Stop it!"

He dumps it again and I say to Maria, "I think the bastard is going to keep doing this until we shut up."

Maria bitches, "Then shut the fuck up bitch!"

And Linus dumps more water on us and says, "That's right I'm going to keep dumping water on you until you both shut the fuck up!"

Maria yells, "Oh yeah what happens when you run out of water."

Linus dumps more water on us and says, "Then I guess I will just have to gag both of you."

I plead, "Maria, please don't say anything for right now. Being restrained is bad enough, but I don't think I could stand being gagged."

Present – Maria – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

I hear the fear in Megan's voice about being gagged and suddenly a light clicks on in my head. Sometime in her past some bastard did shit like this to her and I can't help but feel sorry for her - this has to be hell on her! I stop fighting and say, "Linus, you need to let us go!"

He replies, "No fucking way, not until you two learn to live with each other and not fight!"

I respond, "Linus, listen to me, I'm not going to fight with her and you need to let us go right now!"

He answers, "How can I trust you?"

I laugh and offer with a flirt, "Tell you what big boy, if I fight with her again, you can put me over your knee and spank me."

Present – Jack – Truth Network – Washington D.C.

Something has happened here between Megan and Maria that I don't quite comprehend but I know what needs to be done! I use my command voice and order, "Linus as the one Jens placed in charge of this team, I command you to let both of them go."

He gives me a questioning look, I nod my head, he gets the key, lets them go and jumps back, fearing retribution. We are both surprised when Maria rolls over, hugs Megan and says, "Megan, I understand and I'm so sorry."