Chapter 5

The job kept me sane over the next few months. It might have been better for me to have begun to figure out why I had such addictive, compulsive behaviors, but I wasn't ready to do that. In lieu of the needed introspection, I had to escape the overwhelming pain, and the work provided the numbness I sought. Errons and Caesar were perfectly willing for me to, in fact, demanded that I, render unto them every waking second of my life.

I couldn't stay numb forever. Sue Errons' domination in the office wore away at me until I was totally on edge. I admit I had my own control issues, and she was unwilling to brook any challenge to her powers. It made no difference that she had no legal training, and had no clue how important my research was to the success of the sole legal theory that every case in that firm stood on. She deemed me as unimportant and made sure I knew it. John had by this time convinced many farmers to give him huge retainers, and we had an immense client base. To help out, John brought his parents in. They similarly had no legal training. The idea was that the firm should be organized like any other business, and they would run it while John and Rich waged the legal battles. I was relegated into an ever smaller sphere of influence, but given ever more go-fer type duties. Neither Sue, nor John's parents, offered me a kind word or glimmer of respect, and I hardly ever saw John or Rich any more. At some point, Rich became aware that I simply wasn't up to providing the sheer volume of work that the ever increasing client load demanded, and two new law clerks were hired. My usual work day was at least 16 to 18 hours long at this time.

The new clerks took one look at my work load, and loudly refused to put in similar hours. I was shocked. Wasn't it the standard for the lowly clerk to toil until they dropped? Both of them told me I had to start saying "No," to all the demands, I think because they were afraid they would be required to commit the same time if I didn't put an end to it. They saw me as being senior to them, even if Sue and John's parents saw me as the lowest on the totem pole. The clerks expected me to lead the way to rationality.

So, I said "No," to working over 60 hours per week, and I demanded I be allowed out of my windowless closet to work in the airy and bright library. Sue narrowed her eyes. Later that day, John told me I was no longer needed at the firm. My stomach felt like it taken the full blow of a 2 x 4.

I walked out of there with nothing to show for what I had done for them, other than a lesson learned. That lesson is to never let someone push you around while thinking that you can make them stop and treat you kindly later. Later never comes. Command respect from the beginning when it's plentiful, don't beg for it later from a well run dry.

I had moved into a nicer place while working for the firm, and I had my weakling 4 banger Mustang. Those were pluses. The downside is that I no longer had an income, and my student loans were about to enter repayment. By chance, it was now late summer. I didn't see any other option. I went hat in hand back to the law school, and re-enrolled. I would live entirely on student loans for the three semesters needed to finish, and then I would get a real job with a real firm if I had a Juris Doctor in hand, I thought. I was, sadly, mostly right.

With bitterness, I learned to hate lawyers and the legal profession. I have since met a few exceptional lawyers who are truly good people, but the nastiness that inspired my basic abhorrence of lawyers in general remains pervasive. The justice system itself is evil and corrupt beyond belief. By the time I had arrived at the end of that summer of 1988, I had put all my eggs into the basket of practicing law. In reality, the only way forward was either to sell my soul or leave the legal profession entirely, but I put off facing that reality because I still believed I could change the process and make it right. I ignored the ever rising sense of alarm within. Today, many years after that sordid afternoon with Lydia that began this story, I have been free of the law for a long, long time. To anyone thinking of practicing law, I can tell you, RUN LIKE HELL.

I jumped back into law school, and I have to say it had become easier. Law school is geared to be far more demanding in the first year than it is in the last two, but it was still very stressful. To help me cope emotionally with the pressure, I signed up for a yoga class. I was lucky in that I landed in an Eastern style class, where the teacher led us through mental exercises and meditations as we stretched and posed. Something inside resonated, and I began reading books on personal growth and responsibility. One day it dawned on me: I and I alone was responsible for how I felt and responded to events in my life. This realization changed everything. I stopped looking for something outside myself to make me happy. I stopped dating, I no longer had unreasonable expectations of my school or my job fulfilling me, and my living situation no longer limited me. It wasn't me against the world any more, now I was open to experiencing my life however it happened from a base of strength. I didn't have to take what happened to me all so personally, it wasn't directed at me. If someone treated me badly, they did so because of their own demons and not mine. For children growing up with love, such knowledge and self confidence is a basic part of their psyche. I had to construct it myself, and I was immeasurably lucky to have figured out it needed doing. I'm still building my fortress, and will until I die, but I am no longer a steamy pile of reactive self-pity or anger or misery (or stubbornness or obsessiveness or wall building, my personal favorites).

So when Lydia cheated on me for the second time, my reaction to the pain led me to the old habit of blaming and judging myself at first, forming the gist of this story so far. I didn't stay there, though. I quickly turned my focus to Lydia herself. When I looked more clearly at her, I knew she wasn't the person she had presented to me and the world, and I took steps accordingly.

My office at New and Fields was in the wing. I didn't have a plushy upstairs room, they were occupied by the two named partners, but I did have a ground level view of the front yard of the building, and its entryway. It was a drippy winter day in Vermont, a temporary thaw, and the snow was wet and melty under a driving mist of rain. Looking up from the motion I was preparing, my eye was idly caught by a figure coming along the sidewalk bent forwards into the wind. She glanced up at the sign announcing our offices, and turned up our footpath. I was struck instantly, fascinated by something about her, I didn't know what yet. She wore a dressy slender camel hair coat that came to her boot tops, and her very long light brown hair caressed her shoulders and fell down her back unhindered by a hat. Her gloves and boots were top notch black leather. I was intrigued. To spy on her, I went to my door, which she would have to pass on her way to reception.

An attractive woman of about my age shoved open the outside door and passed into our front hall. She stomped her feet, then glanced up.

"Hello!" I greeted as her hazel and gold eyes widened, she was a little startled to find me so close. She was very pretty, but not beautiful. She was fresh, ruddy cheeked from the weather.

"Oh," she replied, hesitantly. I rushed to reassure her.

"Just go on down the hall, and Melinda will take care of you," I directed.

"Thank you," she bestowed upon me, like a princess, with just a hint of haughtiness. She marched past me to reception. My ears wiggled as I eavesdropped.

"Can I help you?" asked Melinda, our wonderful gatekeeper and protector.

"I'm here to see my Aunt Betty," announced the newcomer. "Would you tell her that Lydia is here?" No "please," I noted. Betty New was our most senior partner, as well as a State Representative.

"Oh ho!" I thought to myself. This was the boss' niece. Lydia appeared spoiled rotten, but carried herself with a lot of class. Betty herself came from that kind of a background. Her husband Victor was a department chair at nearby Middleburgh College, a university populated by the elite. Their entire family was a level removed from the every day rabble.

"Errr," hesitated Melinda. "I think she might be with a client."

"Do check, won't you?" demanded Lydia. It was a command rather than a question, and Melinda quietly obeyed, keying Betty to tell her of her niece's presence.

This was the firm I had found myself in when I had graduated from Arkansas and allowed my heart to steer me back to my home state. I applied to be an associate with these lawyers because they specialized in public defense criminal work and family law, and they wanted to expand into the debtor bankruptcy law which was my specialty. In time, I came to realize their desire to serve the populace was based on a sense of noblesse oblige, rather than any real desire to change society for the better. Both attorneys were independently wealthy, and neither needed to work. They really didn't have the cut throat mercenary attitude I found at all the other firms at which I interviewed. Given the options, I was pleased to have been hired here as an associate.

Almost instantly, Betty glided down the main stairs. "Oh, hello Darling," she gushed to Lydia. She lightly grasped her niece and floated two air kisses past each cheek. "So good to see you here, but I must return to my client." I was malingering in reception due to my intrigue, and Betty's eyes alighted upon me. "Have you met our newest and brightest up and coming associate, Lawrence Newsome?" she cooed. "Larry, be a sweetheart and please see to my niece until I can finish with dear Mrs. Brown, won't you? Thank you so much," she proclaimed, expecting no objection. She swept imperiously back up the grand staircase without waiting for an answer.

Lydia appraised me with much greater interest. "Well, well, I guess you'll have to do," she said, smirking to take a bit of the sting away.

"Ah, yes," I admitted. "Won't you come into my office and have coffee with me?" I had a ton of work to do, but I was curious and a bit smitten, and perfectly willing to follow the boss' directive at the cost of the bankruptcy court motion I had been preparing. I showed Lydia into my room, then quickly fetched two cups of coffee from the kitchen.

What an odd situation! I was somewhat intimidated by having this young woman, of a better class than I, and my boss' relation to boot, to entertain. Lydia was completely at ease, however, and jumped right into small talk. I was stunned at how quickly she divined common areas of interest between us. She ferreted my story out of me fairly quickly, at least the surface summary I was willing to share, and she appeared to hang on every word I said. I found myself preening as she gazed at me with admiration. This was the first person out of my birthright social milieu to ever pay such attention to me. I forgot myself totally within her presence.

Aunt Betty soon took us both to lunch. Later on, I discovered that I had been hired at the firm after Betty and her partner Pam Fields had investigated me. They knew my real story, and they had taken me on as a project not unlike one of their wayward clients. After a brief time, they began to treat me like a pet protege wunderkind. Lydia's showing up at the office that day was no coincidence. Betty beamed like the proud parent herself as it became apparent at our luncheon that sparks were flying between Lydia and myself. The young woman I had thought merely pretty was becoming more and more beautiful to me by the moment.

Lydia suggested the first date, and I just went along for the ride. I would never have had the confidence to ask her out. We had a surprisingly good time (it was the kind of country club social event that would have usually frozen me up, except Lydia, somehow, kept me loose and able to have fun). Summoning courage, I invited her out for the second date. Soon we were an item about town, rumored to be deeply in love. I trusted Lydia completely, and fell right back into expecting another person to become my whole life. I couldn't eat or sleep without her, although I kept my wits about me enough to pretend to be self contained. I don't know if she was aware of the extent of my obsession. On the outside I appeared to be a serious lawyer, but inside I felt like an outclassed child.

Within four months, Lydia and I were engaged to be married. It only gave me slight pause when she preened and bragged to her social circle about my position in her aunt's law firm. I had begun to get hold of myself a little bit, and I realized, or thought that I realized, that I was feeling like an impostor in my role. I observed myself acting like I didn't deserve Lydia, that I didn't belong in the hallowed ranks of attorneys. I knew better, knew that these thoughts stemmed from my childhood, and so I discounted my unease.