Chapter 4

I didn't have a grand vision for myself any more, and I lacked all self confidence and direction. I took the first job offered. I made just over minimum wage, an assistant manager at Radio Shack was just a fancy title that meant nothing in concrete benefits, but which carried a heavy weight of responsibilities. I guess I had been in a daze from the punishment of school, and I began to wake up after only about 30 days in the new job when I realized I had been hired to do all the work of the manager, while he got the glory and big wages. I found a much better paying job in the public relations department of the university as assistant to the information director, and I jumped ship. That job lasted three months. Although the money was much better, I was still treated like a know-nothing underling. After having gotten a taste of the "importance" of the legal world, the real world seemed flat and wonderless, and I felt like a meaningless cog. Anyone could have folded brochures and stuffed them into envelopes.

I guess I was just a glutton for punishment. I applied to be a law clerk at a brand new firm of lawyers, and I was hired immediately. At that time I had no intention of returning to school, and they were pleased to have someone so far along in legal training to help them out on a full time basis. The senior partner John Errons had a previous life in corporate startups, and had decided to get his law degree after his latest company failed. He was newly admitted to the bar. Rich Caesar, the younger man, had always been a friend of the Errons family, and already had a law degree when John earned his. The two naturally decided to practice together, with John heading the partnership.

There was a lot of energy in the firm. There were the two lawyers, a secretary named Mary Louise, and me, the law clerk. Everything we did was new and exciting, we were all together learning about the law and how it actually worked. The four of us became a team and each of us was indispensable. I was paid very handsomely, so handsomely that I qualified for a credit card and a new car loan. Never having had financial freedom before, I bought a flashy, cheap, but new 4 cylinder Mustang and filled the credit card to the max right away. Blair ... who was Blair? How quickly I began to forget her and our son. I was someone important now. Even Dusty was dragged away to an auto wrecking yard.

The one thing the firm demanded was all of my time. They had a legal theory about the contracts that the federal government had entered into with farmers when the farmers borrowed from federal loan programs, and all of the firm's cases revolved around this legal theory. Farm owners from all over the midwest paid huge retainers to John and Rich to take on their cases when the federal government denied future funding. I was expected to take on all of the research and writing necessary to drive the theory up through the layers of federal claims and appeals courts, while John and Rich communicated with the parties and attended court hearings. It was a huge job, and I put in a minimum of 16 hours a day for months and months. My salary didn't grow, I just worked harder and harder for the same money. Blair and Jaime slipped into the background of my mind.

The workload for the entire firm expanded exponentially. John's baby brother Andrew showed up looking for a job, and was hired on to be a go-fer. Later I learned that Andrew had never been able to hold onto a job, or last through any kind of education or training, and wouldn't have been able to work anywhere were it not for his big brother. Shortly after Andrew was added to our cozy firm, his wife Sue was hired as an office manager. Poor Mary Louise simply could no longer handle all of the document preparation and administrative duties both on her own. John was now spending all of his time flying around, meeting with potential farmer clients having the same claim against the government. Our senior partner took in new client after new client, banking ever higher retainer fund balances (many years after I left the firm, John was disbarred for malfeasance related to those very retainer funds). Rich handled all of the legal duties now on his own, and leaned on me more than ever. About this time I began to have problems with my stomach from the increasing stress and practically non-stop consumption of diet colas for the caffeine. I was eating antacids like candy. I could barely remember what Blair and Jaime looked like, and I no longer had any idea of how they filled their days.

When I was hired in the early days of the firm, the legal work was important, and there was an excitement about the possibility of causing good things to happen in the lives of our farmer clients. Slowly, the firm began to evolve into just another corrupted Errons family enterprise. Andrew hadn't made any difference when he joined, it was clear he had been given a job to keep him off the streets, and he had no influence on our work. Sue was a different story. She was very dominant, and treated her husband Andrew like a stupid idiot. It's hard to say if he starting acting like one before or after she came into his life. She worshiped her brother-in-law John, and he in turn deferred to her in everything involving the administration of the firm. It was a mistake to give carte blanche to a person needing to be in control. Sue took all of Mary Louise's work away from her except for typing, and made it clear that Mary Louise was worth less than a peon. She expressed nothing but glee when Mary Louise quit, and she made a big deal out of the sacrifice she was making by doing all of the typing and administration herself. In reality, she now required Rich and I to type all of the firm's legal documents, leaving herself to type only John's recruitment correspondence with potential farmer clients. To this time I had worked in the firm's library, which served as my office, but Sue cleared out a windowless closet (yes, a closet) for me, and I was instructed to stay out of the library in case John wanted to entertain potential clients there. Rich was working harder than he had hours for, and he had no choice but to load ever more on my shoulders. My time at home, now always spent sleeping, fell to five or six hours a day.

One Friday at about 8 pm, the firm put out a huge pile of documents for an appeal taking our pet theory to the U.S. Supreme Court. I'll always remember that after we proof read and proof read and proof read that thing, and sent it out by an after hours courier, we found the title page said, "The United Staes of America." At any rate, Rich clapped me on the shoulder and told me to head home early and stay away all weekend. Leaving at eight o'clock at night was very early for me, and a free weekend unheard of.

I was exhausted but happy as I arrived home. I was hoping Jaime was still awake and that he and Blair and I could have a family cuddle. Nope, there wasn't anybody home. That was weird, I couldn't imagine where they were, but I knew that I had no idea what their lives were like by this point. Maybe they had a social life somewhere, a child's play party at a friend's house, a coffee klatch lasting into the evening. I was too tired to overly worry about it. I noticed the answering machine light blinking. I stabbed at the playback button, thinking Blair might have called home with a message for me about their whereabouts.