Chapter 16

Frustrated, Lisa threw a toy stuffed animal across the room. It hit the wall harmlessly and dropped to the floor. It didn't even make much of a noise.

"I sound like an idiot," Lisa said in a low growl.

She went over to where the stuffed animal had landed and picked it up. It had been a present from her dad when she was ill with a bad case of the flu years ago. It was one of her favorite keepsakes of her past.

Patting the toy, she said, "I'm sorry Mr. Fluffy. I shouldn't throw you around like that."

She put the stuffed animal back on top of her dresser before returning to the video camera. She rewound the tape. It didn't take long to rewind to the beginning of tape since she had recorded less than two minutes. She pushed the button to start recording.

"I came home and you weren't there," Lisa said trying to put some emotion into her voice.

She turned off the video camera and hit the rewind button. Feeling like an idiot, she said, "God! I sound like a whiny baby."

She pushed the record button and stared at the camera. Fifteen torturous seconds passed without her speaking. In a flat emotionless voice, she said, "I don't know how to tell you what you did to me without sounding stupid. I've tried a dozen times to record how I felt about that day when you went to work. I sound like an idiot."

In an exaggerated child's voice, she said, "You weren't there and I cried and cried."

"I sound like a stupid crybaby. The problem is that you weren't there," Lisa said returning to the flat emotionless voice with which she had started.

"You were supposed to be there. You had always been there before. Suddenly you were gone. I didn't know what to make of it.

"When dad said that you had a job, I didn't know what to think. Mommies were supposed to stay at home and daddies were supposed to work. It seemed like everything was upside down and backwards.

"I know Dad tried to hold things together. There were times when he was busy with work and we were acting like spoiled little kids. Yes, there were times when we threw tantrums. He would come out of his office to be with us. He was patient with us, but I knew that he needed to be working on his programs. He'd listen to us, but glance back at his office anxiously. No matter what, he put us first.

"I kept thinking that he was there for us when he'd rather be doing something else. He cared. Where were you? You weren't there. I felt that meant you didn't care. I've always known that you like David and Rose more than me. If you didn't care enough to be there for them, I had to wonder how you felt about me. I wanted to ask you, but you weren't there."

Lisa fell silent for a minute. Looking away from the camera, she said, "Even when you were home, you weren't there. It always about your job, your trip, and your problems. I would start to tell you something and you would dismiss me. Once, you even told me to schedule an appointment. I couldn't figure out if you were joking or not.

"I remember a time when I was about nine years old. I was supposed to sell scout cookies door to door. Dad didn't want me to go alone, particularly on streets that were a couple of blocks from home. I knew he was struggling with work and I didn't want to disturb him. He tried to hide his problems from us, but we could hear him muttering to himself in his office about deadlines and stuff.

"I waited until Saturday when I knew you would be at home to ask you to take me out to sell cookies. You told me that we could go after you got back from shopping. I guess you forgot about it. It was late when you got home, you started dinner, and then it was too dark to go. Dad took me Sunday after you had flown off on your business trip."

Lisa was quiet for a moment thinking back to those days. It really hurt to talk about them. It was a confusing time. She hadn't given up hope that her mother would act like a mother. Each episode in which she was disappointed by her mother's behavior was taken very personally.

She said, "I know those aren't big things to complain about. You were busy. I was just a kid with kid problems. I know my problems weren't really all that important compared to adult problems, but they were mine and they were important to me. I was left with no one to help me with them.

"That's not true. Dad was there. Of course, he can't handle emotions. Rose or I would burst out in tears about something or another and he'd stand there like a goofus not knowing what to do. He's always searching for the right thing to say and that comes hard for him. I think those are the times when he missed you the most.

"There were nights when I'd wake because of a nightmare or something. I'd go out of my room to get a glass of water. Dad would be sitting on the back patio staring up at the night sky. He was lonely. You could hear him sigh inside the house even though the windows and doors were closed. It made me want to cry.

"Dad is a man and there are just some things he doesn't understand. I'm talking about female kinds of things. Your absence at that time of my life was ... I don't know how to describe it. I wanted your guidance. You weren't there."

Lisa paused. He stared at the camera with blank dead eyes for several long seconds. She lowered her head so that she was looking at the floor.

"In case you're interested, I started my first period in school. I was mortified. The back of my skirt was bloody and I had to go to the school office to call Dad to come pick me up. I had to wait there with people coming and going. Every one knew I was having my period. They finally sent me to the nurse's office and she explained the female facts of life to me. I didn't like her then and I still don't like her. We called her, 'Prune Face, ' because she always looked like she was sucking lemons. I wanted to die.

"I bought my first bra at one of the large chain stores ... Wally Mart. There was some woman there who helped me pick one out. She had to explain to me about cup sizes and fitting a bra. She was a complete stranger and I'm not even sure she worked there. I don't know if you can picture the situation. There I was in the middle of the store with this strange women measuring me around my breasts. Other shoppers were walking past and looking at me like I was trailer park trash or something.

"I know they were thinking that I had to be a loser to not have a mother to explain that kind of stuff to me. There is something wrong about learning about bras in the middle of a Wally Mart.

"I had to stand in line to pay for it. Maybe you're used to buying bras, but I'm not. I was mortified that everyone could see what I was buying. The stupid cow at the register even held it up for everyone to see. I was dying there.

"Dad picked me up from the store. He kept asking what all I had bought. There was no way I was going to tell him. I probably should have talked to him about it before I went there. He'd have probably saved me a ton of embarrassment.

"I did get smarter about it though. I got my second bra at a lingerie shop. There is this old woman who works there, Mrs. Clay. She reminds me of a grandmother; the kind of friendly grandmother you'd see in a commercial. Mrs. Clay took me off to a corner of the store and explained about the different kind of bras and underwear. I spent nearly three hours there. She was so gentle and reassuring about it that I wasn't even the least bit embarrassed. She's really a nice lady. I even bought her a Christmas present last year.

"Thinking about her kind of saddens me. I mean, she's nice, but she's a stranger who I just happened to meet and she's taught me some of the most intimate things a girl can learn about being a woman. Where were you? I don't know. All I know is that you weren't here."

Lisa stopped talking. It was as if she had forgotten that the camera was on. She sighed. It wasn't a sigh of loneliness, boredom, or sadness. It was more brutal than that. It had a kind of finality to it -- like a soul leaving the body.

In an empty, almost dead, tone of voice, Lisa said, "I don't know how to tell you just how much I've been hurt without sounding like I'm complaining. There are just some times in your life when you need someone to be there for you. I've had a lot of moments like that and you weren't there. I don't how else to say it. You weren't there."

There was a long pause.

"You just weren't there."

She sat down on the bed and cried. It wasn't the loud kind of crying with sobs or boohoos. It was silent tears hidden behind hands that covered her face. It was as though she didn't want her misery to be noticed. The camera caught the private moment of a disheartened young woman shrinking into herself – alone, adrift, and lost.

The camera ran unattended until it reached the end of the tape. Unnoticed, it shut off with a click.