Chapter 10

Vicki's efficiency apartment looked more like a cell in a nunnery than a home. At best, the kitchen could be described as a kitchenette. Renting it hadn't even put a small dent in her personal checking account. A hundred dollars at the super store had purchased the essentials. The most expensive item was the camping mattress that served as her bed. It sat directly on the floor. The small bed, it didn't really qualify to be called a bed, occupied the majority of the undecorated room.

After years of working a high pressure job with lots of action demanding attention to detail, staying alone in the spartan apartment with nothing to do was mind-numbing. There were only so many times a day that one could clean the miniscule apartment. It already had the cleanest bathroom in the city.

She needed to find something to do, but finding a job was out of the question. Working is what had brought her to this situation. There was only choice that made sense to her -- charity work.

Thus it was that on a Thursday morning, Vicki was at the church polishing the pews. She was on her knees cleaning the little rack that held the hymn books on the back of the pew. She was in the middle of the church and basically hidden from anyone at the door. She heard someone enter the church, but didn't bother to look up to see who it was.

"Reverend Billings, could I talk to you?"

Vicki paused her efforts to polish the book rack in order to listen to the visitor more carefully. It seemed to her that the voice sounded like it belonged to her son, David.

"Yes, David. What can I do for you?" Reverend Billings answered.

"I'm worried," David answered.

Unprepared to deal with her son, Vicki didn't know what to do. She hoped Reverend Billings would lead him out of the church.

Reverend Billings asked, "What is it that worries you, my son?"

"My family. Ever since my mother moved away, my father walks around depressed. My sisters are gleeful and don't see how upset he is. I don't like what I'm seeing," David answered.

"Have you talked to your father?" Reverend Billings asked.

David said, "I've tried. When I ask him if he is okay, he just grunts and says he's fine. He won't talk about it."

"And your sisters? Have you talked to them?"

"They are ecstatic that Mother is gone," David answered.

"Have Rose and Lisa have given into anger?" Reverend Billings asked.

"I would say so," David said.

Knowing that she was eavesdropping on a private conversation and deciding that Reverend Billings wasn't going to move it to a more private place, Vicki picked up her cleaning gear and stood up.

She said, "Excuse me. I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I'll leave now and give you some privacy."

"Mother!" David exclaimed once he realized the identity of the cleaning woman. He didn't recognize her in jeans and a tee shirt.

Reverend Billings asked, "Have you taked with your mother, David?"

"No," David answered not taking his eyes off of her.

"I think now might be a good time to do that," Reverend Billings said.

David asked, "What did you do to dad?"

"Your father admitted to himself that I'm a self-centered bitch and he would be better off without me. Sorry for the language, Reverend," Vicki answered.

David was surprised by the sadness in her voice.

"Calling yourself a female dog is not a blaspheme. I will admit it isn't a very flattering description of one's self," Reverend Billings said gently.

"It's a factual description," Vicki said bitterly.

Reverend Billings looked at Vicki for a few seconds. He sighed and then said, "Don't give into the temptation of self pity. That is as destructive as anger, greed, and envy."

"You're right," Vicki said.

"I think the two of you should have a long conversation," Reverend Billings said.

After her experience with John, Vicki was pretty sure that the conversation would quickly escalate into a rant. She wasn't foolish enough to think for a moment that he didn't know how to swear.

Looking around at the church, Vicki said, "Maybe here is not a good place. I'm sure that the language will not be suitable for a church."

"God will hear what you say no matter where you are," Reverend Billings said. "I'm sure that he'll let pass a few damns, hells, and even f-bombs in resolving the differences between the two of you."

David was shocked. "Reverend!"

"Don't underestimate God, David. Do you think it is an accident that you came here to talk to me when your mother is here cleaning his house?"

"Well..."

"Talk to each other with honesty. Maybe with God as a referee you'll both find peace," Reverend Billings said. "I'll step out for a bit. What needs to be said is between the two of you ... and God. You don't need a meddling old fool getting in the way."

Vicki's fear of facing David's anger alone drove her to say, "Please stay."

"No. You have to face his wrath alone," Reverend Billings said with a small smile.

"My wrath?" David asked.

"Yes," Reverend Billings answered. "There is a bit of wrath inside you just bursting to get out."

"I take after my dad. I don't do wrath," David said defensively.

Patting David on the shoulder, Reverend Billings said, "Of course you do. You're a human being – imperfect and capable of great emotion."

Reverend Billings stepped out of the church leaving David and Vicki alone. Both had stared at his retreating back wishing that he had stayed. A great silence descended upon the room.

"You are wrong about one thing," Vicki said breaking the silence.

Turning to face his mother, David asked, "What?"

Vicki said, "That bit about not doing wrath because you take after your father."

"You don't know me well enough to say that," David said.

"The last conversation I had with your father tells me otherwise. Boy ... did he ever unleash his wrath at me," Vicki said.

"He did?" David asked.

He would have been less surprised to learn that his father had grown a tail. The idea of his father being angry was totally foreign to a lifetime of experience with the man. His father was always telling him that only a weak man allowed anger to rule his actions.

Vicki said, "I'm sure your father is depressed because he discovered the degree to which he is angry at me. Your father doesn't know how to deal with anger very well. He views it as a personal failure."

"It is," David said.

"No. He has a right to be angry. It is preferable to the alternative. The alternative would have been much worse," Vicki said.

"What's the alternative?" David asked.

"Not to care," Vicki said. She looked at him and said, "I imagine that like your father, you care deeply about things."

"Of course I do," David said.

Vicki said, "If you care about something, it hurts to watch it get destroyed. When you strive to save something and it is still destroyed, you will get angry at the cause of that destruction."

"I guess," David said.

"I destroyed the family. Your father fought valiantly to save it, but to no effect. He's right to be angry at me. He doesn't want to accept that he failed," Vicki said.

Feeling a flush of anger, David said, "Don't say that he failed!"

"He failed," Vicki said.

That was the statement that unleashed David's wrath. The rant was nowhere near as energetic or long as his father's outburst. It was still impressive in how much hurt and pain was packed into his rant. He did manage to say a few words that didn't belong in church.

David's issues were less about feelings of abandonment and more about the consequences of his mother's absence on everyone else in the family. His friends had mothers who worked and it had not been that traumatic to him. Her treatment of him had hurt. Watching his sisters grow to hate their mother had hurt. Watching his father suffer for years had hurt. His greatest pain was that she had harmed his opinion of the only man, his father, who could serve as a role model for him.

Vicki listened to every word. She was forced to accept that she had hurt her family in ways that she hadn't imagined possible. The pain she felt increased and burrowed deeper into her soul. It was hard to stand there and listen to him. She wanted to flee, but she stood there and took everything he had to give.

It took some time, but David finally wound down. Exhausted, he stared at his mother unable to believe the words that had come out of his mouth. He had discovered some things about himself that he didn't like.

"Do you feel better?" Vicki asked.

"No," David answered.

Vicki sighed wishing that his answer had been otherwise. She asked, "Do you understand how your father is feeling right now?"

"Yes," David answered looking down at the floor.

"That's good," Vicki said. "I think you need to talk with him. It will help you both."

"Yes," David said.

"I'd like you to understand something before you go," Vicki said.

"What?"

"Your father failed because there was no way for him to save the family. Divorcing me would have torn apart the family and keeping me was tearing apart the family. He was in a no win situation. The problem came down to me," Vicki said. "Restoring the family is my responsibility."

David said, "I don't see you doing anything to restore the family."

"What do you mean? Did you not see me stand here and listen to you?" Vicki asked unable to resist defending her actions.