Chapter 11

Lenka let Amanda in. She carried two big cases with clothes and personal effects. Not quite everything she owned, but uncomfortably close to it.

“Is Astrid around?” asked Amanda.

“She’s out. She is doing her compulsory social service as a nanny.”

“Oh. I’d no idea she was qualified to work with children”, said Amanda. Then she hugged Lenka, seeking comfort. “Please hold me?” she said.

“What’s wrong, my little one, my dear friend?” asked Lenka, hugging Amanda back and holding her up.

“It’s awful. Everything is awful”, said Amanda, on the edge of crying.

“Awww, my goodness”, said Lenka. “Everything, really? Lie down with me and tell big sister Lenka all about it”, she said, kindly, taking her to bed.

They lay down and Amanda placed her head on Lenka’s breast as she held her, comforted by listening to Lenka’s heart.

“Things were going pretty well with Laura”, explained Amanda. “I mean, it wasn’t ever going to be easy, you know? She’s very prudish and, well, a bit distant, but we were slowly getting closer. Then she got sick, under quarantine seal.”

“Go on”, said Lenka. “Did you stay with her for that?”

“I have nurse quaals. It’s part of biotech”, replied Amanda. “It seemed like the right thing to do. The specialist who came to check was ... not very nice. Anyway, I had to take care of her while she was unconscious for about a week. You know, keeping her warm, cooling her, washing her, dealing with ... her messes. I was utterly exhausted by the end of it. Completely at the end of my tether.”

“It doesn’t sound very pleasant”, said Lenka. “Few things are less romantic than having to deal with someone’s failing body that way. Did it kill your affection for her?”

“Not really”, said Amanda. “If anything, it clarified for me how much I want her. It’s weird. I loved serving her that way. I mean, I also desperately wanted it to end, but I loved that she needed me and I was useful to her, even if she didn’t notice it. You understand? I’m such a mess--”

“None of that”, said Lenka. “First you tell me what happened. Then you tell me why you’re here. Then I let you beat yourself up for being such a terrible person. Then I remind you you’re nothing of the sort and tell you how great you are, and we get drunk and cry together. That’s the plan and I’m sticking to it, ok?”

Amanda gave a fragile chuckle.

“Goodness, what would I do without you, Lenka?” she asked. “You always keep things in perspective somehow.”

“Hah! ‘Always’, she says. If you only knew. But do go on.”

Amanda described the week she had spent taking care of Laura, and the way Laura had reacted when she woke up, as Lenka made sympathetic noises.

“She was absolutely horrible to me. She ... I can’t talk about it”, said Amanda.

“Let it all out. I guarantee you’ll feel better”, said Lenka, running her fingers through Amanda’s hair.

“She insisted I prove my devotion to her. She deprived me of food and sleep, and made me beg to lick her crumbs. She made me ... Please, Lenka, don’t make fun of me?” Amanda asked

“Tell me. I’ll try not to laugh”, said Lenka, though she was getting a little excited hearing how Laura had degraded her friend.

“She made me rub her feet. Then she ... I had to do it with my face. She made me smell them, kiss them, and lick them. I felt so used, like some pathetic plaything. It was the most humiliating time of my life and I ... I loved it”, said Amanda, her voice getting quieter with shyness, and on the edge of tears again.

“Were her feet dirty?” asked Lenka, imagining her fastidious friend subjected to the smell of unwashed sweat, with herself in place of Laura.

“They were. I hadn’t managed to wash them for her while she was ill so it was my fault, and she said I had to--”

“Say it!” insisted Lenka, breathing a little faster.

“She said I had to lick them when they were disgusting, to abase myself and show her I was nothing but her devoted pet”, said Amanda, blushing. “She even slapped me. I ... I told her I didn’t want it, but she just demanded it and even had me beg for it.” Amanda began to cry.

Lenka felt sorry for her friend, but her submissive vulnerability was almost a provocation. She had always wanted to make Amanda her sat, and, being a focus, such a naked show of weakness inevitably made her want to pounce.

“You let her slap you? Like this?” said Lenka, lightly smacking Amanda’s face with the palm of her hand.

“Lenka, no! Please!” said Amanda.

Lenka came back to her senses. She was supposed to be helping her friend, not making her submit, but it was so difficult. She had always found her attractive, and now that she knew someone had made her yield, breaking that confident aura Amanda brought to everything she did, she wanted to claim her for herself. She was a focus, though; she was supposed to have better self-control than that. She stroked Amanda’s face and apologised.

“Then they lifted the seal, and she said I had to leave right away! No explanation, nothing. ‘Leave and take this course, Amanda.’ Right before I left I told her I loved her and wanted to be her sat, after she did all this to me. I’m a fucking mess. I deserve it. I deserved it all”, said Amanda.

“What did she say to that?” asked Lenka, amazed at the person who could turn her proud friend into such a whimpering mess.

“She said ... She said yes”, said Amanda.

“Hmm. So, let me summarise”, said Lenka, trying to hide her arousal. “Your roommate got seriously ill and you gave up a week of your life to tend to her hand and foot, sacrificing food, sleep and leisure for her. Then she woke up and accused you of abusing her, and made you submit to treatment so degrading you can’t talk about it without crying. After that, she kicked you from your own room, and you’re here after telling her you love her and want to be hers. Do I have it right?”

“Yes”, said Amanda, quietly.

“Oh dear. That’s ... really rough. She’s done a number on you, and she’s new to the business. When she’s a mature focus she’s going to be absolutely terrifying, not that she isn’t already scary enough”, said Lenka. “I think it’s clear you belong to her, now. I don’t know what to say about her sending you away or making you take that course, but you offered her your submission and she accepted it. You are her sat.”

“Am I?” asked Amanda. “Is that how it works?”

“Pretty sure it is”, said Lenka. “In fact, I should call her and find out what her instructions are for you, before I piss her off. That said--”

“What is it?” asked Amanda.

“It’s weird. This is all very sudden”, replied Lenka. “Not a few days ago you were telling me she was almost asexual and didn’t notice you, and now she’s the focus from hell? Sure you said she wanted you to prove yourself, but I’d never go so fast with a baby sat, and I know what I’m doing. Not sure I’d even go so fast with an experienced one. What you went through was really quite something. You may have enjoyed it at some level, but she also hurt you; and not just the way foci hurt sats. I can see that much.”

“I don’t know”, said Amanda. “I was very shocked too, but she was so certain. I just ... went with it. I think ... what really got to me the most was her distrust. I could take the pain and humiliation, but knowing she thought that of me ... that I had abused her ... It really, really hurt.”

“Of course you went with it. It got you wet, didn’t it? Still, this is bad news. Two newbies to the scene together ... You have to be careful. I’ll talk to her”, said Lenka.

As they lay in bed, the door opened and Astrid came in with some groceries.

“Good evening”, said Astrid, kneeling. “Would mistress like ... What is she doing here!”

Laura had been reading the same paragraph for the third time in a row. She wanted to make progress now she had recovered, and was hoping that, with Amanda away, she could focus on her research and make up for lost time. It wasn’t working, though. She couldn’t help thinking about Mary and Amanda. Things were getting out of control. Now she had made sure Amanda was safe, she needed to be ruthless with herself, stop worrying about her personal problems, and sort things out as well as she could before Amanda returned.

Perhaps she should start with something easier. She was a bit worried about contacting her supervisor, but it had to be done. She had no idea how Professor Hyde would react, given Laura’s involvement in Mary’s wrongdoing and its disclosure.

Fortunately, she replied to Laura’s note immediately, asking her to visit at her convenience. Her convenience was right then. Perhaps a personal conversation would prove easier than trying to work out the measure of a convex hull in spaces with non-orthogonal norms. The mathematical notation was all blurring with her memory of the sharp feel of Amanda’s face as she slapped her, the sound of her crying, and the sight of her tear-stained cheeks.

She took a long shower, trying to relax, put on some clothes, and set off for the university. It was the first time she’d got out since she’d fallen ill, and she only then realised how much she needed it. She had been trapped in her room, torn between the contradictory impulses she felt about Amanda for too long, without even noticing it. Exercising constant self-control to moderate her roommate’s treatment had been harder than she realised. She took in fresh air, looked at the sky, and let it all soothe her as she walk to Orla Hyde’s office.

She knocked and was shocked to see how thin and tired her supervisor looked. Professor Hyde invited her in, closed and locked the door, took a careful look at Laura, and, to her utter surprise, gave her a hug, holding onto her. Laura had expected anything but that reaction, and didn’t know how to respond, other than her usual aloofness, but she felt Orla needed something more from her, and she awkwardly hugged her back.

“Dear Laura,” said the professor, “I am so, so sorry. I swear to you that I had no idea Mary was going to do anything like that. I ... I am also incredibly embarrassed she used me and my office to get at you. Please, forgive me. I could never have imagined it of her.”

“There is nothing to forgive”, said Laura, in a conciliatory mood. Her supervisor looked like she hadn’t come out of it unscathed, and it wasn’t the time for recriminations.

They sat opposite each other, and took a short moment to take stock of the situation. Both were surprised. Laura had lost a lot of weight, and Orla wasn’t looking very well herself: her eyes were red and her fingernails were ragged.

“I thought you might blame me for this”, said Laura. “I realise now it must have been a terrible shock to you, but I thought you might be furious that I caused your girlfriend to behave this way, not to mention my involvement in it all coming out.”

“Are you kidding?” asked Orla. “She’s a murderer. You can’t imagine how grateful I am to you that you flushed her out, at what seems to have been a terrible personal cost. Who knows how long it would have taken for her to decide I was an inconvenience and needed to go. You probably saved my life.”

“I hadn’t thought of that”, admitted Laura. “I am sorry to ask, but are you acquainted with all the facts? Are you clear for--”

“Oh, yes”, said Orla, ascertaining her clearance through a comm gesture. “Biosafety got involved in the whole thing and they ... investigated me. They were ... rigorous”, she said looking at her fingernails.

“Then you know I owe my life to Amanda, and perhaps so do you”, said Laura. “It is so incredibly frustrating that I cannot tell her. I hate it almost as much as the horrible effects of this thing. It’s a terror weapon, and those are supposed to be forbidden. Since when do we make weapons to destroy societies, to tear siblings and lovers apart, to set parent against child? This stuff should never have been created. It should not exist.”

“Hush”, whispered Orla, looking furtively everywhere, and back at her hands. “You shouldn’t say things like that.”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t”, said Laura, sighing. “Maybe it was necessary. At first when I read about it, I felt proud we had made something like this. Then as the days passed I was this close to hurting her for real, so many times. It took ... You can’t imagine how hard it was to convince myself she wasn’t a threat. As it was, I wasn’t exactly kind to her. In the end I had to send her away with a friend while I recover. It was the only way to keep her safe.”

“Goodness, Laura”, said Orla. “I had no idea the effects were that strong. Will you seek treatment?”

“It shouldn’t be necessary. In a couple of weeks I should be back to normal, but I’m terrified I won’t. I’m so afraid I’ll always be a danger to Amanda, now I realise I ... Well, never mind. I suppose I wanted to make sure you were willing to keep working with us. I may need some time to get everything back in order, and I’d appreciate your patience with that”, said Laura.

“Of course!” said Orla. “You’re entitled to leave for something like this, if you need it.”

“No, no. I need to have something to work on, something to think about. Otherwise I’m just going to keep worrying about things I can’t change.”

“Well, you can count on me for whatever you need”, said Orla. “When Amanda ... If you can, I would like you to put in a good word for me. I hope I can personally thank her for what she did. I know she did it for you, but still, I feel I owe her.”

“I’m sure she’d love to hear that from you, Professor. This talk went a lot better than I expected”, said Laura. “Thanks for being so rational about it. I’ll try to get a report--”

“Don’t be silly”, said Orla, getting up and showing Laura out. “Rest, get some exercise, get your life in order, and then solve that problem. If we had something like what your research promises, maybe no-one would have to go through something like this.”

“That’s what keeps me going right now, Professor”, said Laura with a gesture of resignation, shaking Orla’s hand, not noticing a slight wince on her face as she squeezed. “At least until I get my Amanda back.”

“Good afternoon, Astrid”, said Lenka, sweetly, as if to a child.

Amanda had heard Astrid use that tone before, when someone was annoying her and she was giving them one last chance to course correct.

“I asked why she’s here”, said Astrid, only then realising she had overstepped. “Sorry”, she mumbled.

“Come here and kneel”, said Lenka, clearly annoyed.

Astrid dropped the bags where she was, approached Lenka’s side of the bed, and knelt by her. She realised she had displeased her focus and was beginning to look worried. As Lenka kept her waiting on her knees, she began to shake. After a while, Astrid bowed her head and blushed.

“Please, mistress, I need punishment”, she said.

Lenka gave Astrid eleven really hard slaps. It only took three until she began to cry, but she did so quietly and didn’t break position. “One for each word you spoke out of place. I expect better manners from anyone in my house, much less my own sat. Maybe you need a sharp reminder that I own you, not the other way around.”

“Thank you, mistress”, said Astrid, between sobs. “I’m sorry. I was jealous.”

“This is not the first time your jealousy inconveniences me. I think eleven days without coming might do it. What do you say?” asked Lenka.

Astrid gasped. Amanda looked shocked herself at the spectacle, oddly identifying with both sides. A part of her yearned to be like Lenka, strong and confident, but the bigger part of her imagined herself on the floor, on her knees, crying and trembling at her touch.

“This sat hadn’t realised it had annoyed its focus so much. This sat is...” Astrid took a short break to gather herself and recover her breath. “This sat needs to be taught how to please its focus again. This sat is sorry and grateful for its focus’ time.”

Lenka stroked Astrid’s cheek with her hand. Astrid shuddered at first, expecting another slap, then winced at the gentle touch, and finally nestled back into Lenka’s caress., making a little whining sound.

“Tell me your thoughts and feelings, my toy. No filters”, said Lenka, softly. “You will please me best by being absolutely honest with me now.”

“I feel ... I feel insecure, Lenka. You’ve known Amanda for so long, and you’re always talking about--”