Chapter 2

I drove through the darkness, north and west toward Tulsa. A steady cold rain slowed my progress. Fortunately there was little traffic and it was still a little early for the serious drunks to be out, although you could never tell. I felt bad for Pete. I'd been there. He told me he thought that Jessica was someone special and maybe, just maybe they had a future. Obviously she had hurt him deeply since this was the first breakup that caused Pete to get drunk. Most of the time he just shrugged it off and said,

"Life's a bitch and then you die..."

Pete's a handsome engaging guy who women liked to be around, but he seemed incapable of giving himself completely. Teri's death and five years as a corpsman and then a couple more as a paramedic had changed him. He continued to be the nicest person you'd want to meet. He was always the first to help out whether it was painting homes for the elderly, collecting Toys for Tots with the Marines, or just quick with an anonymous handout to a family in need. The community loved him and he loved helping others. Yes women like to be around Pete, but when they found out they couldn't really have Pete, they drifted away. Pete had been out of the Navy for a little over two years and this was his third breakup — no not breakup, because it always came down to the woman dumping him.

There was a strange loneliness to Pete, maybe that's why we got along so well. We'd been friends for a long time. We shared the experience of war and civilian trauma, and being torn from the women we loved. We were good together as roommates. Neither of us was big into parties, and we tended to like solitary sports like running and rock climbing. Pete was also a licensed glider pilot. He said he took solace in the quiet and solitude of soaring.

When I got back from Afghanistan by way of Bethesda Naval Hospital, he made sure I had a job waiting at the fire station. I had made it clear I might not stick around, but he just shrugged and said with humor,

"Give it a try ... this place kinda grows on you."

We spent a lot of time together and he helped me readjust, and it seemed only natural that after a couple of months with my mother fussing over me that I decided to move into the little house that we now shared. It was only a mile from my parent's home so my mother didn't feel cut off. She accepted my need to be on my own again, although I knew she would be have been happy to have me under her roof indefinitely. Pete refused to let me dwell on the war or the sometimes unfairness of life and love. Anyway, our lives were pretty much consumed by our jobs and family — at least my family. I knew Pete spent some time with his parents and siblings but the important holidays were at my parent's home. They loved him and Emily doted on him. Her work as a surgical nurse certainly helped her understand many aspects of his life, and mine. Maybe that was what was wrong between me and Allison — we didn't have enough common ground. Maybe. Although lots of relationships seemed to work fine in spite of differences in occupation and world experience.

Of course the fact I was almost a mirror image of Pete in experience and attitude didn't help either. And the fact we'd been devastated in love early on made us gun shy. We always held back. Was that what I was doing with Allison? Did she even realize how much she'd hurt me six years ago? Maybe not.

The pain for Pete in this latest breakup brought all those memories flooding back.

When I went off to college at Oklahoma State, I was really busy but managed to get home frequently enough. Allison was a high school senior at the time and had planned to go to the University of Oklahoma in Norman which was just twenty miles from Oklahoma City where I was going to school. We talked about sharing an apartment somewhere between the two. As to marriage, well I don't recall we ever discussed it but it just seemed that we would, but we would wait until I graduated. Both families had the same vision and we seemed destined to spend our lives together.

Our plans changed in the spring before she graduated when Allison was offered an academic scholarship to the University of Texas in Austin. She called me with her exciting news but she was also apologetic.

"Jake ... I'm so sorry about our plans, but this is a fantastic opportunity and they have such a wonderful program in early childhood education. Anyway Austin's not all that far away ... you know just straight down Interstate 35..."

Well actually it was far away. Austin was 388 miles from Oklahoma City.

I was disappointed that we weren't going to be together through college but I loved Allison and unlike her, I had no fear that she would go off to college and find someone new.

"Allison, congratulations! I'm so proud of you ... I know your parents must be really excited not having to foot the bill for the tuition!"

"There is that!" She laughed

Her tone turned serious.

"Jake, you will come see me won't you?"

"Allison you're the love of my life ... of course I'll come see you ... you know ... just straight down Interstate 35."

"Jake ... I hate being apart from you."

"I know honey ... but before you know it you'll have me around so much you'll be sick of me."

"I'll never get sick of being with you Jake. I love you."

"Madly?"

"Madly."

So through that summer we spent lots of time together although much of my time was taken up working with the fire department. I really missed Pete. We'd hardly heard form him. He'd finished his training and was deployed to Iraq with the Marines. We got a card from him a few months later. The message was cheerful but the photo was telling. Pete was leaning against a mud brick wall in full combat gear, minus his helmet, cradling a submachine gun. He told me later it was British.

The sunlight was slightly off to the side and he was smiling, but there was something unsettling about his eyes. I'd seen that look at Teri's funeral. My parent's commented on how thin he looked but said nothing about that thousand yard stare. Would Pete ever come back to us?

As the beginning of the school year approached I was relieved that Allison wasn't clinging to me like the fall before when I went off to school. She was genuinely excited to be going off to Austin and experiencing university life in Texas.

Our parting was frantic and filled with great sex.

The night before we were to leave I lay there with her cuddled in my arms panting from our exertions.

"Well if that's the way you say goodbye, I can't wait for you to say welcome!"

"Allison was quiet and I felt hot tears on my chest."

"Jake you won't forget me all the way down there in Austin."

I wanted to joke and tell her how silly she sounded, but I thought better of it.

"Allison, as long as I live I'll never forget you. It seems we've been together all our lives and I want to continue for rest of our lives."

She hugged me.

"I love you so much Jake."

So off we went to our respective schools. At first we talked every day and then we talked frequently and emailed each day. Those 388 miles became a problem. With my second year schedule in the paramedic course and the fact I worked at a fire station — a student trying to get experience meant you took the shifts they gave you, and that meant a lot of weekends. So in October and November I only got to Austin twice. Allison lived in a dorm so we had to rent a hotel room to be together. At the November visit she told me she wouldn't be home for Thanksgiving. Her reasons were kind of vague, something about her first big exams coming up and a presentation in December. I even volunteered to drive down to spend at least Thanksgiving Day with her. The alarm bells should have been ringing when she declined my offer. She asked me to understand. I said I did but really didn't. Was I suspicious? No.

I loved Allison and since I couldn't imagine being involved with anyone else I couldn't imagine her doing that to me. Love is blind.

After Thanksgiving our communications became less frequent. Allison was always "in the library" if I spoke to her roommate Tricia. For some reason Allison wasn't answering her cell phone. The few times we did speak she was always too busy to spend much time on the phone. After a particularly brief conversation in early December I tried to think of the last time she said she loved me. It was then I started to realize that we were no longer together. With my own exams and all it wasn't like I could just jump in my truck and go see her — and maybe I didn't want to know. Maybe she was just "crazy busy" like she said, with her school projects and exams and at Christmas things would get back on track.

I'll never forget the day I got her email — not even a phone call. It was December 20th and it was cold. She told me later she was too much of a coward to face me or even call me. I had just finished my last exam and had worked a grueling night shift at the fire station — two horrific car crashes. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and felt like crap - nothing like coming down with pneumonia to slow your step a bit. I returned to my apartment intending to sleep for a few hours before heading home for the holidays. There was no voice mail from Allison — no surprise, but for some reason I decided to check my email. I was looking forward to seeing and talking to her over the holidays and hoping we could get our relationship straightened out.

With a strange sense of dread I opened the email from Allison and then the tears came as I read it.

Dear Jake,

I don't know how to say this so I'll just say it. I've fallen in love with someone I've met here in Austin. I'm so sorry but I didn't set out to fall in love. I thought what we had was love but I know this is the real thing. His name is Allen and he's a senior and his family lives nearby. They're wonderful people who have welcomed me to the family. I'll be spending Christmas with them, but I will be home sometime during the holidays and I really want to see you ... to maybe explain. I'm sorry to hurt you, and please don't hate me. I've found a very special man and I know we have a future together. I hope someday you'll find that special person too. Don't forget, I will always be your friend.

Allison

I was stunned. My worst nightmare had come true. In a fog, I packed my stuff, grabbed my laptop and fled for home even though that was the last place I wanted to go. I really wanted to hole up in my apartment and not see anyone, but my parents would certainly track me down.

Three hours later I staggered into the house and went to bed. I woke twenty four hours later in the hospital with my mother sitting by my bed.

She looked up from her book and saw me watching her.

"Nice to see you Jake ... you had us pretty worried."

I only nodded feeling too feverish for conversation.

"I'll be right back."

She came back with a delightfully pretty dark-haired nurse. Her name tag said, "Betti Taylor, RN". She was young — maybe early twenties and must have been new since I hadn't seen her before when I made my runs with the paramedics during the summer. They prided themselves in knowing all the nurses, especially the attractive ones.

"Well Mr. Turner, I'm glad to see you awake."

She popped a thermometer in my mouth. I didn't need a thermometer to tell I was running a temperature.

My mother stood over me and ran her fingers through my hair. From the worried look I knew I must have been pretty sick.

Nurse Taylor looked at the thermometer and then made an entry in the chart she carried. Next she adjusted the fluids that were keeping me hydrated and also noted my blood pressure and pulse numbers from the screen of the monitor next to my bed.

"What happened?" I croaked.

She spoke before my mother could.

"Oh just a little pneumonia. How long were you ignoring the symptoms?"

"Between work and school I though I was just sleep deprived and getting run down ... maybe getting a bit of a cold..."

Nurse Taylor shook her head and smiled. She had a nice smile.

It sounded pretty lame to me too. My mother shook her head too. Fortunately it was bacterial pneumonia and the antibiotics pretty much knocked it down in a hurry. The fever broke that afternoon and the next day I was released. I was so weak I couldn't climb the stairs to my room without help. My parent's made up the sofa bed in my dad's home office on the first floor. I slept a lot.

The day after I got home I was feeling somewhat better, at least physically. My mother came in with a bowl of her homemade chicken soup. I was propped up in bed, just surfing the web — I needed something to keep my mind off Allison. I wasn't very successful.

"Jake, I've had no luck getting in touch with Allison so I went over to talk to Jim and Shirley and they said she wasn't going to be home until sometime late on Christmas day. They were so sad to tell me you two have broken up ... you didn't tell us..."

The tears flowed. I just couldn't help it. I didn't want to cry in front of my mother but with being sick and all ... well...

So I just opened the email from Allison and let my mother read it.

When she looked up she had tears in her eyes too.

"I'm sorry Jake ... I'm so sorry." She hugged me for a long time.

"Allison has made the biggest mistake of her life ... silly girl." She sat with me while I ate the soup. Finally she said, "So are you going to talk to her, or should I keep her away if she has the nerve to show up?" My protective mother had fire in her eyes.

I looked at her.

"I really don't want to see her again..."

"I'll let Jim and Shirley know. They're not very happy either."

Emily came in a little while later. She too had fire in her eyes, and also a great deal of sadness.

"That bitch! Wait'll I see her and tell her what an idiot she is. I can tell you Jake she's no longer my friend! I hate her for what she did to you ... and she didn't even have the balls to tell you to your face. Damn! Allison has lost her mind!"

That night I moved back to my room and life sort of got back to normal. I really didn't care to go out and see anyone. I expected half the town knew that Allison had dumped me by then. I was too ashamed to show my face. I was happy to have the "recovery" excuse, plus in fact I still felt like shit from all that had happened.

My mother did manage to get me out for the Christmas Eve service. Allison's parents were there but thank God, no Allison. This was the first time in years we had been to Christmas services without Allison sitting beside me. As we were leaving the church I was approached by several of the fire station and paramedic gang I worked with over the summers. They all said they hoped I was feeling better. I didn't realize I'd been a patient and the paramedics had worked on me on the way to the hospital.

"Thanks guys ... sure wish I was with it enough that night to see if you knew your stuff!"

They all laughed.

The Captain put his arm on my shoulder. His look was serious.

"Jake, we're all glad you're doing fine. Stop by when you get a chance."

"Thanks Captain, I will ... and Merry Christmas."

I noticed none of them asked about Allison. News travels fast in a small town. Emily never left my side and I think she warned off some of the girls I knew. She told me later that night that there were several who were going to offer "solace". Emily smirked when she said it.

I smiled at my protective sister.

"Could I at least have their names? Solace sounds pretty good right now." I teased.

For that I got a punch on the arm.

On Christmas Day I really felt like I had pretty much recovered physically but I was still coming to grips with the loss of Allison. I was far from happy, but at least the feelings of loss and sorrow and even rage had subsided a bit. I even got a couple of calls from girls who were home from college for the holidays. They said they had heard I was in the hospital and wanted to check in to see how I was feeling. Nobody mentioned Allison but it was obvious that everyone knew I was back on the market. By the afternoon I had a couple of dates lined up for the following week. I even got a few invitations to New Years Eve parties, which I declined. The Captain had accepted my offer to volunteer with the aid crews on that night. It might free up some of the staff plus I just didn't want to be the only sober guy amidst all those happy drunks.

I did see Allison late on Christmas Day, but she didn't see me. Just after dinner I went to the barn and climbed into the loft looking for some quiet time. It was cold but clear and as I sat among the old hay bales and looked out at the night sky through the door to the loft. I thought about my life and where I was going. In six months I'd have my associate degree and be able to work as a paramedic just about anywhere. Of course I could stay in school and get a bachelors degree, probably in science, but that meant another two years. My dad had a PhD and my mother had a masters and education was highly prized in my family. Emily was in her first year of college at Oklahoma State at Stillwater and was getting serious about going into nursing. So I should finish my degree, but I was ready to try my wings. I decided that perhaps I would apply for some paramedic jobs and see what happened. If I found a job somewhere that sounded interesting then I'd go work for a couple of years and then think about going back to school. It didn't even cross my mind I would come back to Tahlequah — I wanted to see someplace other than Oklahoma and I knew I really needed to get away from a place that everyday would remind me of Allison.