What I Learned at Erotic Sites

by RPSuch

Copyright© 2010 by RPSuch

: Reading stories at erotic sites helped me understand how wrong I was about the realities of life. I share my new-found knowledge with readers who have not been fortunate enough to decode this information. (Satire)

Tags: Humor  

I've been reading at this and several other adult-oriented sites for a while now, and I can't think of a better place to learn some of life's most important lessons. I consider them self-help sites.

I've learned so much I feel honor-bound to repay the good deeds and share some of the most important lessons for those readers and writers who have had difficulty deciphering the subtle nuances of this adult education. That's just the kind of guy and girl I am (see item 20 below).

1. Never, ever, change plans to go to a party with your wife.

This always irrevocably leads her to commit adultery. It's only fair. You made her angry by the stunningly selfish and petty act of refusing to lose your job over the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to a party.

All the single men there, and many of the married ones, will recognize the inevitability that your wife will cheat and they will compete to be the one, or one of the ones, upon whom she must bestow her charms.

Fortunately, you can avoid going to work to bring up the server that is costing your company millions each hour you delay. Just tell your boss you promised your wife you would go to a party.

He will intuitively understand that, since he isn't invited to the party and has no chance at your wife, he must allow you to go there to save your marriage.

2. If you are having trouble developing or maintaining an erection, you don't need Viagra.

Indeed, Viagra is a poor substitute. Here is what you have to do. Whatever it takes, convince your wife that you are going on a trip and then come home early.

Often you need do nothing else, but sometimes you will have to make some effort to be sure that she cheats on you while you are away.

When you return early and catch her with her lover, you will be angry. You will be hurt. You will lose all your trust in her.

You will be humiliated and have the biggest and most persistent erection of your life.

Of course, there are ways to enhance the experience further, as I will mention below. But, in general, there is nothing like finding out that the woman you trust to raise your children, the woman you trust with all your heart, the woman you trust with the responsibility of sharing all your feelings, the woman before whom you can be completely vulnerable, is cheating on you with no more thought to the consequences than she would have tossing a used tissue in the waste basket, to give you the best erection of your life.

In return, it is your responsibility to cash in on this opportunity by having the best sex of your life. With your own hand. Preferably against the wall or on your carpet.

3. If you have any influence whatsoever in your wife's choice of a man to cuckold you, get her to pick a black man.

Of course we always knew they were bigger. But that's not why women go crazy over them. We have been taken in by the myths that abound in the popular culture.

The media report that black men have a higher incidence of participation in drug dealing. It's not true.

They report that black youth spend much of their time in gangs dealing drugs and fighting with each other. It's a myth.

They report that, even in prison, black men continue this behavior of participating in gangs and dealing drugs. All lies.

They are actually involved in top-secret education classes after school, not involved in gang activity.

They learn, in detail, the anatomy, physiology and psychology of females. They learn how to instantly find the G-spot. They learn every possible erogenous zone and the best order in which to try them. They learn all the latest techniques for delaying their own orgasms in order to best please women.

They take courses in nutrition that allow them to discharge a pint instead of a teaspoon or two when they ejaculate. Why do you think they are all well over six feet tall and have muscles that white men can only achieve with steroids? It's the nutrition.

And they train endlessly to be able to cum six or seven times a night. You have to admire that kind of dedication.

And the biggest hoax of all is that size matters. They foster that myth to make white men feel inferior so we will never suspect their secret with women - education.

That is why white women won't go back. What woman could give up a man with a graduate education in pleasing her?

Of course, your wife will become more devoted to him than you. She will do anything for him. She will gang bang his friends, be available for his women and, generally do anything he demands of her. She'll even do his dishes.

I know you may be feeling some concern about this reality. You need not.

Whatever she does for him and with him, no matter how many days or weeks she stays away without telling you where she is, there is one thing of which you can be absolutely certain: she loves only you. You are the only love of her life. She just needs his cock so desperately she will do anything to get it and keep it.

But rest assured, she loves you.

She loves you enough to inherit from you and not from him.

She loves you enough to let you provide her support, not him.

She loves you enough to have your children. Well, they may be your children.

She loves you enough that... "Sorry honey, my master requires my services. I don't know when I'll be back. Don't forget to get the kids to school in the morning."

Finally, you don't think black men really talk like that do you?

They have to be trained.

They grow up learning, "I'd love it if you would pleasure me orally." But the training manual is very specific. The translation that women most respond to is, "Suck my big, black cock you stupid bitch."

Actually the manual says it is proper to substitute "ho" for "bitch." You think I'm kidding? Just read the interracial stories. They leave no room for doubt.

4. Cheating provides immunity from sexually transmitted diseases.

Your wife may be in some danger if she limits herself. But if she is willing to fuck dozens of men unprotected, who fuck dozens of women who fuck dozens of men, complete immunity is conferred. If only we could find some equivalent of cheating in other areas of our lives we could conquer heart disease and cancer.

5. Dancing causes hard-ons.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a hard on while dancing, I'd be completely broke. I just haven't figured out the secret, I guess.

Maybe I need to take some of those education courses.

But your wife will rub herself against the erection of every man she dances with. It's a law of nature.

6. Guys who write stories can't dance.

That's why their wives have to rub up against somebody else's erection when they are dancing.

If you are concerned about her doing that, don't write stories!

If you refrain from writing long enough, you will become one of those really good dancers who rub their erections against somebody else's wife.

7. Extramarital sex makes married women stupid.

They may remain clever, but it renders them stupid.

Whatever reason she married you for is quickly forgotten when she gives you the blessing of cheating on you.

I don't know who it was that said, "Man does not live by bread, I mean sex, alone," but clearly he was a fool.

Food, clothing, love, respect, family, hobbies, intellectual pursuits all are meaningless compared to being fucked constantly.

I guess it's what makes men genetically superior.

Getting some strange lowers a woman's IQ several standard deviations while the effect on men lasts only until the erection fades.

If a man remains stupid for more than four hours he should call his doctor.

8. Most men who encourage their wives to fuck around have the same penis volume as the men their wives tryst with.

Some higher mathematical skills may be required to understand the truth of this axiom.

If the husband's is long, the other guy is thicker. If hubby is thicker, the other guy is longer. It's Newton's Third Law of Conservation of Volume.

9. The other man almost always has more stamina.

Even if he is somebody else's husband, he lasts longer with your wife.

Of course, if his wife is screwing around, it is only with men who last longer than he does, including possibly you.

10. The average penis length of men who want their wives to screw around is 4"

As Yogi says, "You could look it up." But you better look on one of these sites.

Except for the rare outlier, they top out at 5". The men the wives hook up with are never less than 6" and, if they are that "small", they are at least as thick as the barrel of a baseball bat (2 ¾ inches diameter).

Is that why they call it wood?

The head of the other guy's penis is generally large, usually at least the size of a softball.

11. Straying wives are physically endowed by their creator with unhinging jaws, like sharks, and, in general, their orifices can accommodate any size penis, dildo, hand, arm or small-sized sedan.

It is always difficult at first, especially orally. She cannot fit even the head in her mouth at the beginning. But if she can just recognize these special adaptations, it won't be long before the head is being scorched by her stomach acid.

12. Size matters, but not the way you think. The woman's size matters.

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