Chapter 3

It was two weeks later that I received a letter from Sarah. "Dear Bill. I received the divorce papers and have signed them and they are on the way back to your attorney. Would you thank Willow for arranging this for me? I guess you must have a family again with Willow, Junior, and Robintogether with you. Sorry about leaving you like I did years ago. I don't regret it a bit, although you probably hate me. I had some wonderful times, most of them you wouldn't want to know about. Willow certainly helped me by taking Junior off my hands while I was otherwise occupied.

I read this and wondered if Bert really had Sarah in hand. She didn't come right out and say otherwise, but what she said, could be taken in different ways. I was glad that our divorce was now awaiting completion.

Summer was a time of joy for me. The two kids called me Daddy and Willow was Mom. We were a family. Willow and I were circumspect in our actions around each other. We were going to make love--it just hadn't happened yet. My mother-in-law was often included in our outings. We went swimming, had picnics and went up to the White Mountains for one of the weeks I was on vacation. As the fall approached and school was imminent, we went to both the Wilmington and the Guilford fairs.

Willow looked up old friends that were still in the area and we had them in. Many were married now and had started families of their own. I was to get my final divorce papers by the middle of January. It seemed like a long time to wait for something that was almost in effect, but was just out of reach. Willow was a part of me now.

On Halloween, Junior and Robin were staying overnight at Stella's house. Robin was going trick or treating with some of my mother-in-law's neighbors and then come back and pass out treats to the older kids that came to her door. Junior was old enough to go out alone if he was in by nine o'clock.

I knew we wouldn't have any kids come way out here, and I made sure the porch light was off. "Pancakes for supper tonight? I was able to buy pork on the way home today."

"Sure, but let me get it. You know this is the first time we have really been alone since I came back. I think it is time we should talk about our future. Mine anyway. Years ago I laughed at women who wanted to settle down, get married and have children. I've changed my mind. You probably think I'm manipulating you by bringing up the future, but I need to know where I stand with you."

"Fair enough. We do need to talk. Would you like to do it in the living room or after we eat in the kitchen over coffee?"

It was a declaration that came forth. "I would prefer it to be in your bed. I made it up fresh today with clean sheets."

I was ready for this. I stood, going to her, I enveloped her with my arms as she melted into mine. I did make one cautionary note. "Okay, that sounds fine, but I can remember the last time we talked in my bed. I think that was the worst day of my life when I woke up. You will be here in the morning won't you?"

"Yes Bill. I will be here and for as long as you will have me."

In the morning I opened my eyes and she was still there. "Bill, can we talk now? I want to tell you why I'm finally feeling as if I'm home. That's for now. I want to tell you how I arrived here without holding anything back. There is a lot to tell you and I suppose some of it won't make much sense to you.

"You have never heard me speak about my parents. I believe they are still alive, but I have never checked to make sure. I will someday. What I'm going to be telling you involves Bert in a big way and also Bert's grandfather. It goes back almost seventeen years when I ran away from home."

"This is your home Willow, and you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"You'll get it all, I promise. I should start with my name. It is Roberta. Roberta Willow Smith. My parents are upper middle class and reaching for upper-class. They'll never make it. Anyway, growing up, I was always supposed to act superior to my friends and suck up to those that, according to Mom, were higher class. I hated it. Mom was always inviting these people to dine with us, but she couldn't see that they looked down on us. She couldn't see it, but I could.

"Not only that, she was always pushing me to date the sons of these people. Those sons wanted only one thing. I got pregnant when I was fifteen and somehow my father arranged an abortion. That was why I thought I couldn't get pregnant again. It was one of the most hateful things to go through and I hated my parents because of it. Mom and Dad backed off for more than a year and then they were back suggesting I date some particular rich boy again. I refused and things were pretty strained for months between us.

"Enter a guru that Mom met at some upper-class doings. You know one of those people who wanted you to go around saying, 'omm, omm, ' close your eyes, and look heavenward. You had to have a one word mantra that you sang over and over. Mom signed me up with the sons and daughters of the group she was trying to get entrance into. Bert was one of the boys. We both laughed about the foolishness of it all and then went about screwing each other every chance we could.

"This was all cover for this guru. What he really wanted was to be screwing the kids himself. And I might add the younger the kids were, the better. Bert and I talked it over and the only person we thought we could tell about it was his grandfather. Gramp Smith is quite rich and has a lot of power in the politics of the town we lived in. He wanted Bert out of the group before the shit hit the fan. He went to my parents and they fell all over themselves agreeing to anything he stipulated.

"I lived with Bert and his grandfather until I finished high school and then we came up here to Vermont and went to college. Grandfather Smith has paid for it all. Of course he thought Bert would marry me and have children to carry on the Smith name. He has been sadly disappointed in both of us. Me, especially, when I cut loose from Bert when he became so enamored with Sarah. Gramp was disappointed, but he likes me and looks on me as a granddaughter he never had.

"He is the one that paid my bills while I was living in New Mexico. I was feeling terribly guilty and when I headed here a few months ago, I wrote to him and explained that I was in love with the father of my little girl and was coming back here. I have thanked him profusely for everything he did for me over the years. I received a thank you back saying he understood. This was both for all the years I had stood by Bert and for taking money for only the basic needs to support myself. He really is a great person. Someday I hope we can go visit him and thank him in person."

"We will. I feel closer to you than I ever have. Closer than I did to Sarah even. I feel as if I can have some trust in someone again."

"You really mean that? Bill, a few months ago you said you didn't know if you could ever trust a woman enough to be happy again. Are you saying you trust me?"

"I'm working on it."

I had worked at the factory long enough so I could command some extra time off. I had now been working there for sixteen years. Thanksgiving was coming up. I used to take time off to go deer hunting that week, but now with the kids and Willow living here, I just wanted to relax. Over the years I had worked my way from machine operator to production assistant and finally up to shift foreman. This was a salaried position and although I might sometimes have to work more than my own shift, it rarely happened.

I had the whole week off. Sunday evening Willow received a phone call. I took it, listening to a man's voice ask if Willow Smith lived at this address. I said she did. I handed the phone over. She squealed with happiness when he identified himself. At first I was curious, and then as the call approached an hour in length, I was becoming upset.

When she hung up Willow announced, "I have invited Gramp Smith to take Thanksgiving with us. Oh, I'm so thrilled. You will just love him." Then her face clouded over. "He tells me that Bert is having trouble with Sarah. Bert is ready to throw her out. Damn, I wonder what she did."

"I can guess. The letter I received from her hinted that she might be less than faithful. He must have caught her with another man. I hope this doesn't throw a wrench into our being divorced. We still have two months to go."

Gramp Smith drove up from Hartford in a rented vehicle Monday afternoon. Willow threw her arms around him and hugged and kissed him. This was something that the kids had never seen their mother do with anyone. We hadn't progressed to the stage of showing affection in front of them yet. "I guess you are glad to see me." He turned to me. "You must be Bill. You are the one that is stealing my girl away. Well it had to happen. If you are half as good as Willow tells me you are, I'm okay. I'm Steven by the way. Call me Steve."

I took to the 70-year-old man. Maybe he was rich, but he sure didn't act it. I thought that the kids would have met him, but it was explained that he always stayed with Bert when he visited his grandson. Willow went to see him alone when he was there.

The kids tagged along while I showed him the farm. I knew he loved his grandson, and I showed him the small orchard Bert had helped plant when he was living here almost eight years ago. There were seven apple trees, three peach, two pear, and three different plum. There were also some berry patches I had kept from growing wild.

The strawberries I faithfully transplanted so I would have berries every year. I also had a few grape vines. The rhubarb patch was already planted before Sarah and I bought the place. "This must be a lot of work for one person."

"It is, but now that Willow is here, she works hard at it. Junior has taken an interest and pitched right in this summer. Robin picked the fruit and helped Willow process it. The extra we sold to the vegetable stand that you passed coming up Route 9. Next year we may get a booth at the Farmer's Market."

"You say Bert helped with this when he was here?"

"Some, but not as much as Willow. She was always right beside me doing the digging and the planting. Bert was most often in the house with Sarah." Steve thought he understood. But then I had to be fair. "Bert bought the trees with money you sent him. We each had our own chores. It wasn't until the last winter that things went wrong."

I sent the kids in to see how Willow was coming along. Now I could talk more freely. "I don't blame this all on Bert and Sarah. Willow has had her own agenda. In some ways she double-crossed both Bert and me. Just to show you what kind of position I am in, Willow brought the kids home in June. I didn't take her to bed until three weeks ago. It has taken me that long to begin to trust her. She admitted she was the one to push Bert and Sarah together. It still makes me angry to think about it, but damn it, I have deep feelings for her too. We have talked about it. I have half-way promised to make her my wife, but really I'm taking it one day at a time."

I paused and knew we would be having to go inside soon as it was cold. "In a way, Willow and I are from two different cultures. She is a hell of a lot more a free spirit than I am. She is better educated. Whether that has anything to do with it I don't know. Me, everything I have attained, I have to struggle for. I only have a high school education. I have gone as high as I'm ever going to where I work. Also my father taught me that my word was my bond.

"My wife broke hers, but I didn't break mine until I needed a measure of revenge. I coupled with Willow to get that. It was the hardest decision I ever made and wondered if the pain that followed wasn't some of my own fault. I felt I had compromised myself. I have lied to Willow in one thing. I told her that I had dated some when Sarah left me, but I haven't."

"So you have been without a woman for seven years?"

"Sexually, that's correct. I will say that I have had my pipes cleaned out in the last three weeks by Willow. I don't know yet if sleeping with Willow again is wise or not. I have come to need and want her though. I think I'm getting to the point where I can trust a woman again. She certainly lets me know how she feels about me."

Steve was quiet as we headed back to the house. "Bill, you are an unusual individual. I think you will make the right decision about Willow. I understand some of what went on years ago. She has mentioned how guilty she feels about it. Too bad there was so much pain involved for all of you. Sarah seems to be the one who has sailed through this without any problems plaguing her and has been enjoying herself the most."

Later that evening after the kids were in bed, Steve brought up the problem between Sarah and Bert. He was speaking first to Willow. "I don't think Sarah has stepped outside of their relationship yet, but she is a person who needs a lot of attention. That seems to be the root of the problem, but I don't know everything and sometimes Bert seems to be hiding something from me.

"While Bert is working with his church and the new broadcasting that is coming up, Sarah is lonely and turning to others. It was fine when Willow was there to advise her. I'm sure you were the one that kept her in line. Sarah even jokes about how you bullied her.

"I came up here to see if Willow would go back and keep things together. I can see that she wouldn't want to now. Bill, you don't owe my grandson and Sarah anything. In fact I think they owe you. I would appreciate it if you have any idea of how I can prevent a blow up?"

Willow spoke up. "I made a mistake once. I fell in love with Bill and I didn't stay and fight for him. Sarah was lost to him months before he was aware she wasn't his anymore. I suppose it was guilt that made me leave. This is my home now and I can't allow anything to disrupt me. Think--I haven't had a real home since I was a little girl. I've always been made to do the wishes of someone else. My Mom and Dad, Bert, you Gramp, and especially Sarah, the irresponsible one. I'm here with my children and Bill. I'm set, if Bill will have me."

Steve agreed. "I know Willow. I agree it would be too much. I do have to look after my grandson and I will do anything to have him have a good life. Well, think on it. I'm going to be here for a few days. Where am I sleeping tonight?"

"You have my room. I'll crawl in with Robin. I'm going to stay with Bill for a little while and then move before morning."

Something made me rouse up. It wasn't daylight yet. I could feel a warm body on both sides of me. I turned on the light on the stand. Robin's eyes were wide open and she was smiling at me. "I just knew you and Mommy were sleeping together sometimes. I used to sleep with her when I was a little girl. When I got lonely I still crawled in with her. Now I have two somebodies to crawl into bed with."

"How come you knew where to find Mommy?"

"I went into Mom's room and found that man in there. I went to Junior's room and told him. He said Mom would be with you because people who love each other slept in the bed together even when they weren't married. Do you love Mommy?"

"I do. Now go to sleep. We'll talk about it in the morning."

I turned over and there was Willow. "Got caught didn't we? Oh well, it had to happen sometime." She leaned to me and I kissed her.

"Mommy I love you. Daddy, can I have a kiss too?"

It was decided that Mrs. Burns should be invited for Thanksgiving. She came for the pie baking on Wednesday. Steve was pleased to meet her and said he had been with her daughter just a few short days ago. They went into the living room and it was Willow and I that ended up making the pies. We also made homemade rolls. Junior wanted one when they came out of the oven. We made him stop at three.

Steve took Stella home early and he planned on picking her up the next morning. While he was absent, Willow and I sat Robin and Junior down and explained that we loved each other, and if they didn't mind, Willow and I would be sleeping in the same bed. Junior just grinned and shrugged. Robin had never had a father in her life, but now she did. She had a father just the same as her friends did. I had never had a little girl in my life either, and we found what was missing in each other. There would be a lot of mornings I would be waking up the same as this morning.

Thanksgiving was a happy little gathering. The food was superb and Stella apologized for not helping more, but Steve was telling her all about Sarah. Steve admitted to us that he wasn't aware of what the specific problems between Bert and Sarah were. I suggested that maybe Steve should call Bert, seeing as it was a holiday. If it came right, maybe Stella could say hi to Sarah.

The call went through. It was answered by Sarah and at first Steve couldn't understand why she was crying. "Bert is having Thanksgiving with another woman. She is the woman that plans his itinerary since Willow went back to Vermont. They have been carrying on for months and I didn't know. I think he is ready to dump me for her." She then burst into tears. "I'm so alone. No one loves me anymore. Willow left me and took my son back to Bill." More tears.

"Just a minute, Sarah. Would you like to talk to Willow? I'm spending the holiday with them in Vermont. This is where I'm calling from."

"Will she have time for me? She's staying with Bill and I know how she feels about him." Steve handed the phone to Willow.

"Of course I have time. Sarah tell me all of your troubles." The call lasted two hours. Just before it ended, "Sarah, your mother is here for Thanksgiving with us. She is anxious to say hello."

Before the call was over, it had been planned that someday Sarah would be flying into Hartford, CT. Either Willow or Stella would pick her up and she would stay with her mother. I can't say I was too happy about this. I feared somehow this was going to upset things for me again.