by Anthony Concept

Copyright© 2010 by Anthony Concept

Humor Story: A short story of deception to gain peace and quiet so I can sleep.

Tags: Humor  

Smash, followed by some drunken mutterings; another typical Friday night, no doubt there would be a broken booze bottle on the foot path. I'm starting to get fed up with these stupid yobs.

Getting dressed and grabbing my Billy stick I went out to confront them, Wifey's away visiting her sister so she won't be able to run interference this time.

"Righto fellas, time to move on."

"Fuck off you old git, you can't tell me what to do."

Stupid was half pissed and could hardly stand up without staggering. "Look fellas, how about you go home and sleep it off?" I suggested.

"Get fucked you old cunt," replied stupid.

I looked at his two mates and they didn't seem aggressive, so turning back to Stupid I rammed the end of my Billy stick into his guts. Bad move, he perked his guts up all over the foot path; shit, now I have spew and glass to clean up in the morning.

I looked at his mates with a threatening scowl, "You want the same?" They both shook their heads No.

"I suggest you take Stupid home and put him to bed, might be a good idea to go there yourselves."

"Yeah OK, he's not usually this silly, just had too much to drink."

As they were escorting Stupid away I had another bad thought, It wouldn't surprise me if I got a brick through my window some night. I an attempt to circumnavigate this I called them back.

"Just a minute boys, just to show there's no hard feelings, why don't you come around tomorrow afternoon and I'll shout you a beer?"

"Gee thanks mister, what time should we come?"

"Make it four o'clock, bring your mate as well, he should be sober enough by then."

"Right, see you tomorrow then."

The following morning saw me cleaning up the glass and spew from the foot path. When everything was ship shape I went to my workshop and selected a few bottles of my home brewed beer from my stock. Going through to the patio I racked them in the beer fridge, they should be just right for drinking when the boys came around.

Wifey came home at lunch time so I informed her that I would be having visitors later in the day. When I explained what had happened she called me a stupid old bugger.

"One of these days you are going to get yourself into something that you can't get out of."

"Yes dear," no good trying to justify my actions, as they say, 'let sleeping dogs lie', she's like a terrier when she gets started.

Four o'clock I was sitting back enjoying an ale and listening to the races when Wifey showed the boys through. "Your guests have arrived Tony, they seem a bit young to be drinking."

I gave the boys a wink, "Don't worry dear, they will only be drinking ginger beer." She disappeared inside the house, hopefully leaving us in peace.

"Grab a seat fellas," I said, getting out some beer glasses. I cracked open a bottle of Midland mild and poured them a glass each.

"Before you start, take a mouth full and swish it around to get the full taste before you swallow it."

"What kind of beer is this," said one of the boys.

"That's a beer called Midland mild, I brew it myself and I can guarantee that will beat any of the commercially available stuff you can buy locally."

"Ahrg, I always drink Victoria bitter, have you got any of that?"

"I have, but have a few of these first then I'll give you a can of Vic."

They all took a mouthful and savoured the taste before swallowing it, a couple more sips and one of them commented, "That not bad at all, it's got a different taste to Vic but it's not as gassy; I reckon you could drink a lot of this without getting bloated."

"One of the advantages of home brewed beer is the carbonation is naturally formed, not introduced under pressure like some manufactured products."

I looked over at Stupid, "How's the tummy mate?"

He blushed a bit and said, "It's a bit sore but not too bad. Sorry I made a dickhead of myself last night, I'd had too much to drink."

"That's OK son, no hard feelings?"

He offered his hand and said, "No hard feelings, shake on it?"

I shook hands with him and raised my glass, "No hard feelings. The main reason I was a bit pissed off last night was because I have difficulty sleeping, I had just got settled down when you fellas came by."

"Gee I don't have any trouble, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out like a light."

"My trouble is 'The Eyes', I keep seeing the Eyes looking at me."

"The eyes?"

"Yeah, it's a long story, another beer boys?" They all accepted a refill. I went on to tell them about the 'Eyes'.

"When I was about your age I joined the army; after my training I spent some time in the Malaysian conflict, when that was over it wasn't soon before we were tied up with the Vietnam conflict. I had been there about eighteen months when I was faced with the decision to re up or get out. I had little skills apart from soldiering but I didn't like the way these little noggie bastards were fighting." I took a swig of my beer and went on.

I was sitting in the mess having a beer when a chap came and sat beside me. "Mind if I join you mate?" He asked.

"Nope, feel welcome, what are you drinking?" We sorted out his drink and sat back enjoying each other's company.

"When are you due to re-enlist Tony," he asked.

"Next month Mike, I'm trying to decide if I should or get out into the real world again. Problem is I don't have many civvy skills, but on the same token I don't like the way this little stoush is going either; these noggies don't fight fair."

"Yeah, know what you mean mate. You've got good skills as a soldier, there's people in the real world that pay good money for fellas like you."

I lifted an eyebrow and told him to go on.

"If you're interested I can put you in touch with one of these folk. They are always on the look out to recruit new blood, and the money's not to be sneezed at either."

"As in how much do they pay?" I asked.

"Well, it's risky work, but what you're getting now is pocket change in comparison. Are you interested?"

"I most certainly am. Where can I get in touch with them?"

He got off his seat, "Give me ten minutes Tony."

I could see that the boy's glasses needed a refill so I selected a different brew, this was one of my own design, it was a full flavoured brew, but light on the alcohol. "What do you think of my home brew boys?"

"Yeah, it's OK but not as good as Vic though." I reached into the fridge and brought out a can of Vic.

"OK, tell me if this is as good as my beer." He took one swig and just about spit it out.

"Shit, that's a crook can Tony, gawd it's bloody awful."

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