Chapter 7

I thought it was kind of funny at school the next day when I was treated just like I had been all of the other times since I had become Priapus's spokesman. Little did they know that I was now king of the universe and could do anything I damned well pleased. The really funny thing was that I didn't want that thing that all 13 year old boys were supposed to want: I didn't want to fuck every female in sight! I guess that I really had too much else on my mind.

When Mom picked me up, we had a serious talk. We had to get to Mt. Olympus and settle with the gods up there pretty damned quick before they had time to start a counterrevolution of some sort. I called Ed, Priapus, and Ares to join us in our living room for a consultation. Ed pointed out that it would be a good idea to have Prometheus in on the talk, so we adjourned to the bubble. Molly was there talking to Prometheus, so I called in the other three girls and we made a full scale meeting of it.

A number of ideas were batted around, then Prometheus said, "You really ought to go to Mt. Olympus and see what those gods have to say about things. You probably will get some good ideas from them. After all, they know their jobs better than anyone else."

That sounded like a good idea to me, so I asked Priapus how to get us all moved to there. He chuckled and said, "Oh, Jimmy Smith, remember that you now have all of the powers of a god. If you want us on Mt. Olympus, just think us there."

I did, with a red face, and ZAP!, we were all there. I was really disappointed. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it was not the run down dump that we saw. All of us looked around with a startled air; we really expected to see a sumptuous palace, not a place that looked more like a warehouse for old furniture. Ares commented, "They sure have let the place go to pot since the last time I was here!"

Ares pointed out the throne, so I climbed into it. It was a marble seat too high off the floor for my comfort, and the seat was as hard as a rock. I was kind of pissed, so I thought, "I need a soft cushion to sit on, and this chair seat needs to be closer to the floor." There was a cloud of smoke or dust, I was not sure which, and my wishes were in place. I had such a surprised look on my face that everybody else chuckled, except for Mom, who actually laughed.

I looked at Mom and said, "I'll get even with you for that laugh!" Suddenly, she was the one with the startled look as she was sitting beside me on another marble throne, but hers already had the comfortable cushion. I invited everybody else to find a comfortable seat and wished for each person to have his favorite beverage conveniently at hand. I was especially pleased to see that Ares' beverage was pomegranate juice and not something alcoholic.

After everyone had a chance to relax and sip a little liquid, I said, "OK, folks, let's get started ... Any of you gods who are in the range of my thoughts, come to the throne room of the palace." All of the gods who had been with Zeus last night popped into place, plus a few that I had never seen before.

I recognized Dionysus, so I asked, "Dionysus, if you please, introduce me to all of these gods. Most of them I have never formally met." He introduced 23 gods of varying status, and I nodded to each one.

"OK, folks, please forgive me if I forget or mess up your name. I will learn all of them soon. Am I correct in the assumption that you would all like to keep your current jobs?" Everybody said yes to that. "I want you to know that I feel no particular ill will toward any of you, but, honestly, some of you have been doing a piss-poor job lately. That will stop as of NOW! Anybody that can't do his or her job is going to find himself or herself sweeping the floor in Hades until I find a job that you can handle.

"Some of the jobs will disappear as of today. Apollo, yours is a fine example of what I mean. We now know that you never had any influence on the path of the sun, so that feather bed is removed. My intent is to simplify the job descriptions and get rid of overlapping responsibility. Helios runs the sun, he doesn't need your input. Apollo, you are to concentrate on watching out for the needs of medicine and music. Don't fumble the ball with either one. Contact Asclepius immediately and coordinate your efforts with his. As for music, do something about Rap RIGHT NOW!

"Athena, you are appointed to assist my mother in administering the universe. Your legendary wisdom will be used in depth, but remember that Mom has the final say in anything. All of your attributes fit well with her responsibilities, so I expect you to devote yourself to helping her full time.

"Hera, I am especially disappointed at the way you have let yourself descend into petty revenge and cruelties, particularly on those poor human women whom Zeus chose to rape. Henceforth, your job is strictly to ease childbirth and its associated problems, as your were originally supposed to do. If I ever get word of a repeat of your former attitude, especially toward humans, you will find yourself on your knees scrubbing latrines for the next million years or so."

I spent a few minutes with each of the gods, giving them the "benefit" of my opinion of how well they did their former work and what was expected of them as my underlings. I was not particularly kind to anybody, but I tried not to be too vindictive. These reassignments took several hours, since I made a point of getting input from my friends on troubling or controversial points. Surprisingly, Ares and Dionysus were especially helpful.

I asked Priapus if there was some way I could acquire the knowledge I needed so that I would no longer have to attend school. It seemed to me that I was going to be too busy to spend many hours a day on that.

"You probably don't realize it, but the knowledge of all of the world is already available in your own mind. If you need to know something, you will know it. From the point of view of gaining data, there is no further need for you to attend school. However, from the point of view of gaining an understanding of your fellow man, it is very important that you attend school. I suggest that you attend school on regular time, but you use the no-time device to make enough time for you to do your duty as king of the universe. The main thing to remember is not to micromanage the universe. It has been getting along pretty well without you for billions of years, so you can let it continue to do so in most cases. Save yourself for the crucial things, and let your underlings handle the rest."

Mom said, "Priapus is right, Honey. Your idea of simplifying the duties and responsibilities of the gods is a wonderful inspiration. I imagine that a lot of the problems we have had to deal with has been caused by overlapping responsibilities and too many bosses. It's going to take you years to get it all sorted out, but you do have your own life to live—don't forget that. Personally, I think that you have done enough for today. A change of scene would be a good idea. I think that the meeting should adjourn, and all of us should go our separate ways. A little fun right now wouldn't hurt any of us."

Well, I sure couldn't argue with that! All of us left for home, and, as ruler of the universe, I declared that it was time for a bar-b-que. All of the humans applauded, but the gods and Prometheus didn't know what a bar-b-que was. I let Mom explain while the girls and I dug out the fixings. Now I knew the real advantage of being the king of the universe: we were all out of pork ribs, so I ordered that enough show up, all cooked and just needing to be warmed on the grill.

I had the grill set up and the charcoal briquettes at the perfect temperature within five minutes just by ordering that it be done. Wow, this king of the universe thing could become addicting! I stalled everything until the girls had the salads ready and then called everybody to grab a plate and dig in.