Chapter 8

It took another two days for Anita to come back to take her meals in my presence again. I hadn't seen her in all that time. I'd thought about going over to the trailer and trying to somehow force her to give me the answers to the questions I had. It was only by the slimmest of margins that I managed to bide my time, to wait for her to decide she was ready to resume our discussion at the point where it had last been paused.

"If we can go somewhere private after supper, Kyle, I'll do my best to answer that question you asked me. I don't want us to get into this while everyone else is trying to enjoy their food."

That will be fine. If you have no objections, can we use my office upstairs?"

"I'd really prefer somewhere outside, if possible. What I have to tell you, I'd rather I was moving around when I tell you. It isn't what you were thinking when you questioned Tina. I wasn't pregnant, and I certainly have never had an abortion."

I indicated that us going outside would be fine with me. When she told me she hadn't been pregnant, and hadn't had an abortion, that tight knot I'd had in my stomach for days started to unwind. Those had been my darkest fears. If it wasn't either of those two things, I was confident that I could handle whatever it did turn out to be.

The two of us had left the house immediately after we'd finished eating. I let Anita take the lead, and she started heading us down towards where the newly planted pistachio trees were. I walked with her, both of us silent, as we moved farther and farther away from where the house and trailers were. It was already dark out, and we were soon deep into the area where the light masking properties of the mature trees made it seem even darker still. Finally, Anita slowed down and started to speak.

"After Tina and I left here, everything seemed to weigh down on me all at once. I was upset at what had happened, of course, but more than that, I started to see how what I'd just done was now hurting all the others. Lupe, Maria, and Theresa had left the farm without even having any place they knew they could go to. Tina had already suspected that I'd been the one who was lying, and now I'd put her in a position where she was being forced to lie too, to try to protect me from being found out. What makes things even more complicated is that I had somehow managed to convince myself that I'd probably gotten pregnant while we were in Hawaii. I had to hope that when you found out about it, you'd come find me again, and then we would be married, just like I'd been telling people we would be. It was the only way I could see that I could get out of having to go to all my family and admit that I'd gotten them into all this by telling them my stupid lies about you supposedly asking me to marry you. A week after we moved back to my aunt's house, my period came, and I knew then that my last hope for not being found out was gone."

"We never once had unprotected sex in Hawaii, Anita."

"I know, but still, I'd managed to convince myself there might be the smallest of chances that I was anyway. When my period started though, I knew it was all over, and that was when I first started trying to will myself to die. I stopped eating or drinking anything. I might have succeeded too, except for Tina, who drove me to the hospital when she came home one day and found me passed out on the floor. She couldn't revive me when she tried. The doctor at the hospital called what I was doing an hysterical reaction, and told me he'd have me committed to a psychiatric hospital, unless I promised him that I'd start eating and drinking again. The funny part was, after I finally decided that I wanted to live, and was ready to start eating again, nobody I knew had much in the way of food left that they could afford to give me. After I stopped trying to starve myself, I almost starved anyway."

"Why did Tina laugh when I said that about being too young to make babies then?"

"Because I'd told her, before I got my period, that I thought I'd gotten pregnant in Hawaii. When my period came, she was the one who first said that maybe you were too young to get me pregnant. She was laughing because you told me the same thing later, after she already had said you might be too young."

"I can't believe how big a mess this has all turned into for us. Things were going so well, and then, just like that, they were as bad as they could get. I never expected anything like that to happen with us. I'm not just blaming you either. I've had a lot of time to think about the things I said to you, and how they must have sounded to you when I said them. I certainly never meant to imply that my marrying you was out of the question, only that the timing wasn't right for it now. I wish I'd been more tactful, and had been more careful about the way I expressed my thoughts."

"Now that I've told you what happened to me, and explained things the best I can, you need to answer my question about making babies. Were you thinking about making babies with me? Is that why you wondered about if I had something I could pass on to any child I might have?"

"I can't answer the question directly. Have I ever thought of us having babies together? Yes. Was I afraid that whatever had happened might be a genetic problem you have? Yes. Right now though, I have to fall back on the earlier answer I've always given you, that now is not the time when I want to get married, or want to start having a family."

"Do you at least still love me a little?"

"That I can answer with a definite yes, Anita. What happened before created big problems, but I've never stopped loving you because of it. I know I need to try harder to find out and understand what it was that happened inside your head, what it was that could even make such a thing possible. To me, what you did wouldn't be possible for someone like me to ever do. I just don't think that way. I'll need to learn why it has been possible for you to do this sort of thing at least twice now."

"You heard about that other time, with Father Miguel?"

"I've heard a little bit. Enough to make me wonder if there isn't something bigger here than what you're telling me."

"I was fifteen years old when that first thing happened. I'm not crazy. I'll admit I sometimes take things past where they really are, inside my head, but I wasn't the only one that took things beyond where they should have gone either. Just because I listened to some people and changed my story to protect Father Miguel later on, that doesn't mean I made up everything I ever said happened. I'll admit to lying about being made pregnant by him, but he really did do some of the things with me that I said he did. He did touch me on my pussy, and he did have me play with his dick too. I only lied about him fucking me, and about him making me pregnant. You can ask Tina if you don't believe me. She saw me with him several times. She knows I didn't lie about all of it. Ask her."

"You told me, a long time ago, that you got pregnant at fifteen, and then had lost the baby when you were four months pregnant. Was that a lie?"

"Yes, it was. I'm sorry I lied, but a lot of what happened to me after my mother died has left me pretty confused about the past. I spent a lot of my time after she died, living inside my head, because it was less painful than thinking about what my real life situation was like. You don't know all the things I had to put up with so that Tina and I could stay on that farm after my mother died. If those same things had happened to you, then maybe you'd try to escape from having to deal with that kind of reality too. I'm certainly not perfect, but I did have some good reasons for trying not to have to think about some of those things too much."

"I told you once that I wouldn't be worried about things that happened in the past, and I meant it. I'd like for us to start back up, but by taking things more slowly than we did the last time. I can honestly say that I love you, and that I do hope we end up married someday, but only when being married is what we both want."

"Slowly, like we were just starting out all over again, from the beginning, or slowly like us being back together like before, but us not talking about marriage, or about us having any babies for a few years?"

"Maybe some of both those things. Our sleeping together was very nice, but, if it makes you think we should be closer to being ready to be married soon, because our relationship is already at a certain level, or because we're sexually intimate, then my answer is to not do that. I enjoy being with you, being around you. As much as I like making love with you, I'd rather we didn't, if our having sex ends up causing more of these other problems like this last one."

"If that's what you want, then I can go along with us starting back at the beginning too. I don't want there to be more problems, just because having sex with you makes me start thinking about having all the rest of it too. Maybe we should just work together like we did back at the beginning, and not have sex until you get old enough to want to start thinking about all the rest of it. I was happy before too, when we just worked on the farm together."

We left it like that and headed back towards the house and the trailers. I'd be less than candid if I didn't admit that a major part of me wanted us to run back to my bedroom and lose ourselves in some wild and uninhibited sexual passion. I was so horny right then that I'd have given a lot to have her in my arms for a night of carnal indulgence. Instead, we walked back together, with me not even trusting myself to take hold of her hand.

Gerrardo and Juan managed to get themselves farm work in Brawley, a town in the Imperial Valley, down close to the border near Mexicali. A relative of theirs had set it up for the two of them to come work on a large lettuce farm. As soon as they left, Raul, Consuela, and Elena showed up to take their place.

For logistical reasons, Theresa decided to give up her room in the older trailer to Elena, in order to start sleeping in Rob's room again. Her apparent willingness to make this "sacrifice", according to what she was telling people, had nothing to do with the fact that she'd recently broken up with her boyfriend, after she discovered that he had a wife and three children already, back home in Old Mexico.

As soon as Elena had her own bedroom, she came and asked me if I'd mind if her fiancee moved in with her? She said it would just be until he managed to find himself some steady work on another farm somewhere in the area. Raul vouched for the young man, so I said I had no objection to him staying on the farm, not if it was only for a short period of time. Things were getting too crowded again, and Maria was feeding us in three shifts now.

At supper, the night after Theresa had moved all her things back into Rob's room again, Tina suggested that there would be room for another two people in the old trailer, if she and Anita moved back into my spare bedroom. I thought she was just teasing Anita when she first brought the idea up, so I didn't offer any comment in reply to what I had mistakenly believed was her tongue in cheek suggestion.

"Aren't you going to tell Tina what you think about her idea, Kyle?" Anita was smiling at me as she asked her question.

"I thought she was just teasing about that, Anita, but if she wasn't, then I'll be happy to answer her. Tina, I just don't think it would be a good idea, given everything that has happened. Anita and I have agreed to take things slowly, and, if I had her sleeping so close to me again, that might possibly be more temptation than I'd be able to resist."

"What about me? Wouldn't you be tempted by knowing that I was sleeping so close to you too? I usually sleep naked, you know?"

"That would be an entirely different kind of temptation. I wouldn't have any trouble resisting it, but, out of consideration for everyone's feelings, I still think leaving you two where you are is a better idea."

"You have a whole nice bedroom up there that is just going to waste. Two of Alicia's older sisters just lost their apartment. There isn't room for them in my aunt's small room in the new trailer, and Lupe decided that Uncle Raul and Aunt Consuela had a higher priority on the room the boys left than either of my other cousins had. We know you told Lupe that he and Maria get to decide who comes to stay in the new trailer, but both those girls gave up their own room for me and Anita, back when we really needed a place to stay."

Anita was letting Tina spearhead this effort, but I could see, from the way her head kept nodding, that she agreed with what her sister was telling me. We'd only just decided to take things slowly, and already she was attempting to shortcut the process. I was already beginning to feel the same old pressure that I'd felt coming from her before.

"You know, you have to start understanding that the resources on the farm are limited. I don't have a problem with trying to help a few people, if I can, but I have to draw the line on how many I can help somewhere. If someone moves out, and one of the bedrooms becomes available in the new trailer, I'll talk to Lupe and make sure he saves that room for your two cousins. I'm afraid my spare bedroom upstairs isn't one of the options I want to consider for creating openings to take in new people who might need some help."

"You didn't have any objection with Theresa coming over here and giving up her room for Elena and Enrique. Why is your room any different then Rob's? You even have a whole separate bedroom that no one is even using."

Tina wasn't going to take my no for a final answer. I was beginning to get angry about the whole situation now.

"Rob decides about who he wants in his bedroom, and he doesn't seem to have a problem with Theresa moving in there. Why are you pushing so hard for this, Tina? I've already given you an answer to your question."

"It just seems like you have all this unused space up there, but you don't want Anita and me staying there because you don't want anyone to start thinking you might be sleeping with Anita, or with both of us. You've already slept with Anita, and I've already told you I'd sleep with you whenever you want me to. Making sure Esmerelda and Connie have a safe place to sleep at night is a lot more important than you worrying about what anyone else thinks about who's sleeping with you. Who cares what anyone else thinks?"

Tina's argument might have swayed me if I'd been operating under a different set of past circumstances. I wasn't concerned with what anyone else thought. I was anxious to start normalizing this new relationship I wanted to have with Anita. I didn't want to do anything that would make it seem like we were rushing back into things, for me, or for her. I had a strong feeling that Tina wanted to help Anita get things moving faster with me, and also that she wanted to have a nicer room there in the house than what she now had out in that old trailer.

"Tina's right about how important it is to both of us that our cousins are safe. We'd be just as happy if you let them sleep up in your spare bedroom, or if you let anyone else who has a room in one of the trailers now, sleep in there."

I was sorry to see Anita enter into the fray. While I was already mad at Tina's heavy handed pushing, I'd been happy that Anita hadn't added too much, up until then.

"Not just as happy, Anita. If it can't be us though, we'd settle for it being somebody else instead. The most important thing is for us to find a place for Emay and Connie, somewhere out here on the farm."

I told them I'd like to take some time to think things over, and that I'd let them know my decision, probably within a day or two. I didn't like these girls thinking I was just being selfish by insisting that my bedroom was off limits.

Maybe it was selfishness in part, but I also didn't want Anita up there to tempt me, and I didn't want anyone else up there, because I valued my privacy. I decided that I had to learn to not care so much about what people said when they were trying to persuade me to do something I was resisting. It was my room, and I definitely had the right to keep my own private living area set up as a comfortable place for me to live. I made the decision that I was going to hold to what I'd earlier said. No changes in my living upstairs alone.

Anita seemed to take my decision well enough when I first announced it that next morning at the breakfast table. Both she and Tina seemed disappointed, but neither one of them tried to change my mind at the time. Later that same day though, after lunch, but before supper, Anita asked me if I'd allow her cousins to at least come stay in the room she was already sharing with Tina.

She told me that all four of them would take turns sleeping down on the floor, in sleeping bags. I told her that I would allow it, but only reluctantly. I also told her that I thought, in even asking me to allow this, she was pushing me past where she already knew I was comfortable going. She didn't acknowledge any of the rest of what I was saying to her while I was giving her permission to bring the girls out to the farm. She had gotten what she had asked for, and that seemed to be all that was important to her right then.

I spent the rest of that day out in the fields, working by myself. I didn't want any company, as I was seeking a period of solitude. I needed to allow myself time to try to come to terms with what had just occurred. It seemed like every time I was forced to tell Anita no about something, she would discount my refusal by continuing to find some way to attempt to get around me, and to eventually get what it was she'd been seeking anyway.

I concluded that I needed to take some action to discourage this from continuing to be a pattern of hers. I knew, if it continued, we'd once again find ourselves in a situation where neither of us would be able to back down on some issue that we both believed important.

I expected, if this same pattern continued, that I'd soon start hearing frequent complaints about how crowded the four girls now were, trying to live in that one small bedroom. If that happened, I decided that I'd put my foot down, and tell them to either stop complaining, or else decide on a way to reduce the number of people sharing that room. This last concession, I'd decided, was absolutely the final one that I'd make in this particular area.

The two new cousins were on the cute side, both in their mid teens. At their young age, I had to wonder how they'd managed to even get their own apartment in the first place. Esmerelda was very short, no more than five feet, at the very most. Connie, (Consuela) was the older one, taller, at five two or so. She seemed the more talkative of the two, and for all that, was still extremely quiet.