Chapter 16

I joined Carrie out front a few minutes later. She smiled wanly.

"I didn't hear screaming or breaking glass so I guess it went OK," she said.

"I don't know whether it did or not," I told her. "I didn't realize everyday would be a new lesson."

I sat heavily beside her.

"Maybe the rest of your life," she said with a small laugh.

"Yippee," I replied. "She feels badly about what happened and we talked about some other things that have happened in the last few weeks."

Carrie was watching me closely. I wasn't certain why.

"I think we're on different wave lengths," she said after a moment. "Or you would have amplified that last statement."

"What are you thinking about?" I asked.

"Not the same things you were," she answered. "But at least Kasey wasn't crying when she came out. Neither are you, so maybe we should just call it a win."

"How about we settle for a non-loss," I answered. "I don't think there was anything to be won."

"You'd be surprised," Carrie told me. "I hate to keep drawing parallels to my life. But so much of Kasey is like me when I was growing up. I've told you about my Dad. I treasured the man. But that didn't mean I didn't do things that drove him crazy. I'm sure you caused your parents some sleepless nights."

"A couple," I admitted. "Dozen," I added upon reflection.

"The one major difference between now and how I was with my dad and how you were with your folks, I'll bet, is that you hid what you were doing," Carrie said. "God knows I did. I'm sure my Dad found out all the things I was doing eventually. But it was a while later. At least I hope it was. No, I'm certain it was later. Because he would have said something to me at the time. But he knew I was going to do all those things — beer, smoking, sex, pot — at some point. I'm sure he hoped I wouldn't. Just like you hoped Kasey wouldn't."

"It's not that I don't want her to have a life," I insisted. "I don't want to keep her from making mistakes. I've always said I've learned more from my mistakes than I ever did from my successes. But it's hard for me to sit back and watch it. Why can't we have collective memory. When a kid hits about 15 I just download my memories into her head. That way she doesn't have to do the silly shit I did and I don't have to worry about the silly shit she's doing."

"But, hon, that's what different," Carrie said. "You don't have to worry about it. Kasey is going to come to you before she does any of that stuff. You probably won't be able to talk her out of any of it but she will at least let you know what's going on in her head. That was more than I offered my Dad."

"I do not want to know what is going on in her head," I said firmly. "You thought I was kidding when I told you that I believe there are certain things a father has no business knowing. You've pretty much hit the big ones. But there are more. I did not need to know when she got her first period and when her next one is coming. I do not need to know what size bra she wears and what style she prefers. I don't need to know that she wears thongs and owns a garter belt. I don't want to know which boys she finds cute and which boys have cute butts. I don't need to know what sort of mascara she uses and what sort of deodorant she likes.

"You might think she is doing me a favor but I can tell you, she isn't. Look, I deal in facts the same way you deal in equations. You might suspect a company is financially solvent and a model of efficiency. Everything you see might point to that, from the execs' flashy cars to the smiling receptionist to the way the mailroom guy gets the packages processed. But you are not certain, you do not make a decision, until you run the numbers, reach the bottom line and the black number is higher than the red number. Only then are you sure. Only then are you willing to make a decision. Until then it is just supposition and conjecture.

"The same is true for me. I might suspect a great number of things. But until I have absolute facts to verify it I don't have to deal with it. Kasey gives me the facts sometimes before I even form a supposition. I had no idea she was even interested in boys until she asked me to discuss the finer points of male-female relationships with her. I probably should have been aware of certain things but without the facts I didn't make the leap. Now, I have no choice.

"I know Kasey has tried alcohol at least twice," I continued. "She told before she did it the first time and after the second time. She has smoked one cigarette and I am confident that she will never smoke another."

"At least until she learns to drink a little more," Carrie said with a small giggle. It broke my rant completely.

"Probably," I agreed. "That is the only time Kelly smoked."

"It's the only time I smoke, too," Carrie told me. "My Dad smoked and it drove me crazy. But give me two Vodka martinis and I think I'm Marlene Dietrich."

I did a double take.

"You drink martinis and know who Marlene Dietrich is?" I asked.

"Of course," Carrie said with mock indignation. "I am a college educated professional. I have pretensions you haven't begun to think about. Seriously, though, my Dad liked old movies. I prefer newer ones but some of the old ones really strike a chord with me. But back to your point. Yes, Kasey is up front with you. Believe me when I tell you that is a good thing. I'm not certain of everything Kasey has done but I can tell you almost everything she would have done if you hadn't been there for her. She probably would have done exactly the same things I did.

"I tried alcohol at 15 and started having sex shortly after. I tried pot and mushrooms before my 16th birthday. I stole money from my Dad's wallet and cigarettes from his pocket. I didn't have someone to confide in. My Dad was 35 when I was born. That meant when I was Kasey's age, he was in his early 50s. There was no way I could have gone to him to ask him the things you've told me Kasey has asked you. And believe me, what you've told her makes sense to her. Maybe not right now but she hears your words when it comes times to make important decisions."

"She might hear it but she ignores it," I said sadly.

"Sometimes," Carrie told me gently. "But not always. And she's starting to realize that when she ignores your words she ends up regretting it later. Hon, she's not promiscuous. I can promise you that. She talked to me about things when we were shopping."

I nodded.

"She gave me chapter and verse a few minutes ago," I said. "Another bit of information I could have done without."

"Which is why she didn't tell you until it was necessary for you to know," Carrie assured me. "Hon, I'm going to let you into a little secret. Very few girls get to have an awesome dad. Looking back, I know I could have told my father everything that Kasey shares with you and I probably could have avoided some of the mistakes I made in my early adult years. But I didn't.