Chapter 15

They say that into every life a bit of rain must fall.

In Britain and its former colonies, Dec. 26 is called Boxing Day. I'm not certain why but I suppose if it really mattered to me I could look it up. Obviously my lack of knowledge isn't keeping me awake at night.

Perhaps it is because you box up all the crap you got and take it home, or back to the store it came from or even to the needy.

Boxing Day almost came to the U.S. because we almost came to blows at my house on the day after Christmas. I certainly was angry enough.

The day started well enough.

Mark and Kasey came over to tell me about their grandparent's visit. Their aunt and uncle had sent them presents but they didn't show up for dinner. I'm sure tears were shed around the table for hours.

Kasey and Carrie took a run before I ran Mark back to his mother's house. They had some sort of plans for that afternoon. I probably should have asked but I didn't.

Kasey, Carrie and I sat around and discussed our New Year's Eve plans for most of the afternoon. They had dozens of ideas for costumes but none that really seemed realistic. But I let them knock down their own ideas. I didn't point out the flaws because, well, because I know better.

One word from me against any of their ideas would have only made that idea seem more attractive to them. See, I have learned something in my 40 years on the planet.

Unfortunately I haven't learned nearly enough.

Before the syllables were out of my mouth I wished I had them back. The first words sent my brain into spasms as it tried to make my mouth stop. But I didn't stop.

"So, Kasey," I said. "I haven't heard you mention who you're taking. Do you have a date or will I have to rent you one?"

There was no pause. There never is.

"Oh, Dad," she said. "The guys know I put out. I always can get a date."

If I were a cartoon, my head would have turned into a volcano and the top would have exploded.

Kasey was standing there with a look of absolute triumph on her face. I was on my feet before I could even think and my hand was poised. It was as close as I've ever come to striking my children — or a girlfriend or my wife. If I hadn't physically grabbed my right hand with my left, I'm positive I would have slapped her.

Instead I felt Carrie's hand touch my arm lightly and I turned and stormed out of the house before I did something I couldn't take back. I noticed the look of triumph had disappeared from Kasey's face pretty quickly.

It was hours later when I returned. I spent time sitting in my car, drinking coffee and trying to calm my anger. I was less than successful.

I knew I was partially responsible for Kasey's retort. I should have asked who she planned to take without joking about it. I also should have known my remark would precipitate the response it got.

I'm not certain why I got so angry about it. Perhaps it was because I didn't like the fact that my daughter might, in fact, have that reputation. It might have been the fact that she found a reputation like that so amusing.

But I think it was the reason behind her words. Kasey's words weren't meant to be funny. They weren't meant to be ironic.

Her sole reason for saying them was to cause me distress. Well, she succeed on that front. It was something she had done her whole life to those around her.

The house was quiet when I returned. I expected that. Kasey always ran to her mother's when she and I would argue or I would get angry with her about something.

I went into my office and sat down. I was still angry but I was also resigned to the fact this time would play like they always had before. Kasey would run home to her mother's and she would stay away for 3 or 4 days. The next time she would come over she would act like nothing was wrong.

But something was wrong and it was something that neither her mother nor I could manage to fix.

Carrie found me sitting there staring out the window. She put her hand softly on my shoulder.

"Are you OK?" she asked.

"Not really," I replied. "This is what we talked about in the car. When she was 9 or 10 we thought it was a phase she would grow out of. When she did it at 15 or 16 we thought it was a response to the divorce and it would ease. I guess it's time we admit the truth.

"She simply doesn't give a fuck about anyone else's feelings."

Carrie nodded her head sadly.

"I knew it, Carrie," I said. "I knew before the words were out of my mouth that she would do something like that. But it's not because I was picking on her. At other times she's done it during normal conversation or simply out of the blue. She's said things like that to her mother, her grandparents and her teachers."

Carrie sat silently beside me and held my hand.

"I guess I'm just going to have to stop picking on her," I said. "I know I should be more careful of the jokes I made. But I really don't think it was that bad."

"It wasn't," Carrie said. "And she wasn't angry about the joke."

"That is what is so frustrating," I said. "She wasn't angry or upset in the least. I would think that maybe she simply doesn't understand humor but I know that's not the case either."

I paused for a moment.

"Carrie, I have never hit her or Mark," I said. "I have never hit Kelly or any woman I dated. But today, today I almost did. I was close. I saw that look on her face and it was all I could do to stop."

"I know, hon," she said. "But don't forget: you did stop. Then you left until you cooled down. I tell you what, you scared the crap out of her. I hope I didn't interfere but I talked to her for a bit."

I shrugged. It couldn't have hurt anything. I doubted it would help because I'm sure whatever Carrie said had been said to her before.

"I was pretty angry, too," Carrie said. "I was angry at what she said and I was angry because she said it just to provoke a response from you. Your face when you left will probably keep me awake at nights for a while.

"I asked her flat out: 'What were you thinking?' She told me she was just playing with you. I guess I told her that was a bullshit answer. She might have gotten away with that stupidity as a kid but not anymore. I told her that she saw what you almost did. She knew it. I told her she was damned lucky that you were her dad because she would have been picking her ass up off the floor if it had been anyone else.

"She told me that you would never hit her. I told her that the only thing that stopped you was you. Hon, I saw you grab your own hand to stop it. I wasn't sure if I should try or if I should just let it happen. But then I thought about what life would be here with you if you had done it. I know you well enough, I think, to know what would have happened. I'm certain Kasey would have forgiven you. Kelly would probably have applauded you. But you would never have been able to forgive yourself. The fact that you allowed her to provoke you to the point you hit her is something you could never forget. You're not the type of man who could brush that aside. At least I don't think you are."

"I'm not sure I can forgive the fact that I wanted to," I said. "And I'm not certain that Kasey would have been as forgiving as you seem to think — Kelly either."

"Well, I told Kasey that she better have enjoyed the joke about her date because I figured it would be a while before you made light of anything related to her," Carrie continued. "And then I hit her with something that made her think. I said, 'You know, what if he would do the same thing to you? You know, just do something to hurt you. Because that's the only reason you said that — to hurt your father. What if instead of getting angry and storming out he would said "That's fine, Kasey. I can't stop you from doing that. But I damned sure not got going to sit across from the table from the douche bag you're doing it with. So you can forget about going with us to the party and anywhere else for that matter."'"

I thought maybe that should be my reaction. My thoughts were delayed by my phone ringing. I saw Kelly's number and assumed it was Kasey.

For some reason, I answered anyway.

"Hi, is Kasey there?" my ex-wife asked.

"No, or at least I don't think so," I answered. "I thought she was with you."

I glanced up at Carrie.

"Is Kasey here?"

She nodded.

"She is in her room," Carrie said. "Thinking about things."

"Oh, yeah," I said to Kelly. "She's here."

"Is everything OK over there?" she asked.

"Not as far as I can see," I replied. "Look, Kasey said something completely out of line and I sort of snapped."

"Good," my ex-wife said. "I hope you really lit into her."

I was silent.

"I almost hit her, Kelly," I confessed. Then I waited for the explosion.

"But you didn't," she said. "Believe me, almost doesn't count or I'd be in prison for child abuse. I've almost hit her a dozen times. What did she say?"

"It doesn't matter what was said only the reason behind her saying it," I told her. "So you're not pissed at me?"

"No, Mike," she said. "I'm not. I have wondered if a slap in the mouth might be the only way to get through to her. God knows nothing else we've tried has worked. What did Carrie say?"

"To me or to her?" I wondered.

"Both, either," Kelly said.

"She was in the middle of recounting the conversation that she had with Kasey," I said.

"It was not a conversation," Carrie said with force. "I was the only one talking and I made damned sure she was listening."

"I think Carrie pointed out some flaws in Kasey's actions," I said as diplomatically as I could. I wasn't sure how Kelly would react to someone else disciplining our child — and I really wasn't interested in finding out at that point.

"She likes Carrie and looks up to her," Kelly said. "She is not uncool like we are so Kasey might just listen this time."

"Do you want to talk to her?" I asked.

"Kasey or Carrie? It doesn't matter the answer is still the same," Kelly replied. "You have things under control so I can talk to either of them or both of them later. But if you decide you absolutely have backhand Kasey please call me. Depending upon my mood, I think I might like to watch."

Kelly was chuckling to herself when she hung up. I simply sat and stared at the telephone in my hand.

"Good, bad or otherwise?" Carrie asked.

"Good to otherwise," I said. "She is happy that you talked to Kasey, which surprised me. She is happy that I almost belted Kasey, which further surprised me. And she doesn't feel the need to stick her nose into it, which absolutely shocks me beyond words."

"Do you plan to speak to your daughter today?" Carrie asked.

I shook my head.

"I'm not sure I trust myself to be in the same room," I replied. "If she were to smirk at me or say something snarky I don't know that I could stop myself."

"I don't think you should let this fester," she advised. "But I do understand your point."

Ultimately the decision to speak to Kasey or not was taken out of my hands. Well, I guess I didn't have to speak to her but Kasey wandered into my office a few minutes later.

I could tell she had been crying. It's not something I enjoyed seeing but I think a part of me felt that her tears were deserved — so long as they were for the right reason.

Instead of sitting on my lap — as she had returned to doing in the last week — or even near me, Kasey sat in the chair opposite me. Perhaps she felt distance from me or proximity to an exit was in her best interest.

"I'm sorry, Dad," she said as she sat down. Again if she was insincere she was learning to hide it better than she had a week or two earlier.

"I'm sorry, too," I replied after a moment.

"I don't think you need to apologize this time," Kasey answered.

"You might believe that but I am still sorry about my actions toward you and the words that started this," I told her. "I am sorry for picking on you about something you're obviously sensitive about. I'm also sorry that I almost over-reacted to what you said. Regardless of how I might have felt at the time my actions were wrong.

"Kasey, I want this to be said. Under no circumstances is it acceptable for you, me or anyone else to strike someone in anger. Even when you were a child your mother and I would insist the other person take a moment to reflect or defer punishment to the other if our anger would present a danger to you. I don't want you to get the impression that it is OK for me — or anyone else in your life — to treat you that way. It is not and I apologize for the fact that I was at that point today."

Kasey lowered her head and I could see fresh tears starting.

"Dad, I don't know why I do things like that," she said. "I don't understand what is inside my brain that makes me think it is OK. I'm ashamed of myself. I guess today is the first time I really understood what you've been trying to tell me about watching what I say to others. And it's not because of what you did. It's because of the feeling I got when I realized that it was me that almost caused you to do that. It was me who caused you do something that you never would do otherwise."

Kasey's face was troubled.

"I'm also upset that I've led you to think that way about me," she continued. "I think that bothers me as much as the other. Dad, I'm not like that. I think I want to seem more grown up that I really am. For some reason I thought acting like I was the type to have sex with a bunch of people would make you think I was more of an adult than today showed I am. I want you to know, for certain, that your daughter is not a skank."

I held up my hand to stop Kasey's narrative.

"I don't think what you do in your private life is relevant to this conversation or any other we might have in the future," I replied.

"But it is, Dad," Kasey insisted. "It's relevant to this because I understand now that another reason I acted that way around you is because it bothered you. I don't know why I wanted to make you feel bad but I understand that the things I've said and done has made you feel that way. Dad, I've done that exactly twice. And I'm certain the first time was much later than what you expected. The first time, I admit, is because I wanted to see what the fuss was about. It was less than a year ago. The second time is because I hoped it would be better than the first. It wasn't."

Kasey's lips turned in a half frown.

"Today is the first time I realized why those times were so unspecial," Kasey said sadly. "If I had listened to you two years ago I would have already come to the right conclusion. You told me when we first talked about sex that it would be much better if I waited for the right person to come along. You said the most fulfilling part was the emotional attachment. Anything else was just an exercise in masturbation. I should have listened and known you were right. I guess a part of me recognized that you have always tried to tell me the truth because I decided after the second time that I was going to wait until there were real feelings involved before I tried anything remotely sexual again. If I would have listened to you from the start then I might already understand what the big deal about sex is."

I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Honey, if I had listened to my parents from the start I would be having this conversation with an empty chair," I answered. "There was a time in my life when I grew to love your mother. But it wasn't until you were on the way. That's the other thing I wanted you to consider. Your mom's life would have been much better if she had waited a few years to have you."

"That's why I wanted birth control," Kasey said.

"This might surprise you but your mother was on birth control each time she became pregnant," I said. "I told you from the start that the only sure-fire method of avoiding pregnancy is to avoid sex. Everything else has a margin of error. The margin is a slim one, I'll grant you. But the consequences are life altering so I believe they are worth considering."

Kasey's eyes were wide for a moment then she nodded.

"I thought that was the standard speech given by all parents," she said. "I've always thought that the 'abstinence' part was just something parents felt the need to say. I did the research but now that you have spelled it out to me a 1 in 100 chance or even a 1 in 1000 chance is something I'll need to consider."

"There is also the health and safety issue," I said. "I don't see the need to give you the stats on that because I know they have drummed into your head since you were 11 years old. But that part is also real and the decisions you make in that regard might not be just life-altering but life-ending."

"Those I understood perfectly, Dad," Kasey said. "I made sure that each time I was protected."

"Which also adds to the safety factor from pregnancy, too," I included. "Condoms are the least effective means of birth control — well outside of the Catholic church's answer to contraception — but they are the second most-effective way of disease prevention."

"With not doing it in the first place being the first," Kasey said. "Thanks, Dad. I know this might have been uncomfortable for you and it was not my intention. I wanted you to know that I am not a bed-hopper nor am I putting myself at risk — for pregnancy or disease. I know that a part of today's reaction was because of what I'd led you to believe about me."

"Part of it, but not all of it," I said. "Kasey, I know there are times I take things farther than I should when I'm joking around. I should have known that what I said today would provoke you. I guess I knew it would but I didn't think it would lead to what you said and the way you said it. The manner of your voice and the look on your face had as much to do with how I reacted as your words did.

"You know, Kasey, other people are capable of saying and doing things to you for just the same reason you say and do them to others — just to cause you pain. There are certainly times that I could have done that. Even things that I've said or done that might be hurtful to you, I've tried to temper my words with an explanation of why it was said or done. I don't know about your mother but I'm willing to venture that she rarely says anything like that to you and if she does there is a reason behind it. But this isn't about you and her. It's about you and me. It's about what sort of relationship we're going to have in the future and it's about what we're going to do to make sure there is no repeat of today — from either of us."

Kasey was looking at a spot behind my head.

"I don't want our relationship to change, Daddy," she said timidly.

I wasn't sure of how to answer her so I went with what I thought to be the truth.

"Kasey, I think it changed this afternoon whether we wanted it to or not," I stated. "I think it's going to be a long time before I'll be able to joke with your or pick on you about things. And it's not because of what you said. It's because of how I reacted. I don't want to be in the position I put myself in — where I had the choice of walking away or striking you or someone else."

"I don't want you to stop loving me!" Kasey said loudly in a teary voice.

"That is not an option," I said. "I will not stop loving you for anything you might do. You're my daughter and I'll love you for that reason alone. As much pain as your mother caused me, there is still a spot in my heart that loves her for the sole reason that she is your mother. I'm not certain if you're aware of this, but Carrie hasn't spoken to her mother in 15 or 16 years. If I hadn't found a little ounce of control today I have no doubt that you and I would be right there in the future. So we'll have to figure out how we proceed forward."

Kasey was shaking her head sadly. I wasn't sure whether she was contemplating Carrie and her mother or if she was denying there would be changes in our future.

"Kasey, this change was coming eventually," I said as kindly as I could. "In a few months you'll be on your own. When you come here or even to see your mom it will be as a visitor. It won't mean you'll stop being our daughter or that we'll stop loving you but you'll have a life outside of ours."