Naiya didn't deserve to be happy. After the way she'd broken Ashlee's heart she knew she deserved nothing but pain and suffering until the end of time. Nothing she could do would ever make that right. She'd betrayed her best friends trust, destroyed her innocence and she did it all for what turned out to be a sexually and emotionally disappointing one week fling with her ex-boyfriend who didn't even care about anything besides getting her into bed to use her and then throw her away liked he'd always done.

Honestly, as far as Naiya was concerned she'd deserved that, too. It turned out to be exactly what she'd needed to show her that she truly was a stupid, foolish little girl who really should've known better than to throw the perfect relationship with the perfect girl away just because she didn't want to be gay or bisexual or whatever she was. She still wasn't sure, but, really, she no longer cared. All she knew was that the one person who had ever made her feel truly happy and complete was no longer hers because Naiya simply didn't deserve her.

Even she met someone even half as good as Ashlee Naiya just knew she'd never be worthy of them. How could she be? No one could ever love her after the horrible things she had done. Even if someone could she wouldn't deserve that love. Besides, there was no one in the world who could possibly love her like Ashlee did.

At least that's how Naiya felt in the brief tumultuous time between leaving for school and ruining her own life with cowardly decisions. Luckily, she was dead wrong bout at least one thing: There was at least one other person who made her feel the same way that Ashlee did and who loved her even knowing what she'd done. Another girl, in fact, but still, even after having her in her life almost from the moment she'd left home, Naiya really couldn't see how she'd been granted the chance to have her, to be with her and love her. In fact, for a long time her guilt and the fear she would only end up somehow sabotaging this new, wonderful and absolutely perfect relationship just as she done to her relationship with Ashlee had made it almost impossible for her to even think of allowing anything of the sort to happen. Luckily for her Megan was too strong of a person to allow Naiya's doubts and fears to get in the way of their happiness.

It had been a hard fought battle, though, and even after Naiya had finally given in and allowed Megan to claim victory over her heart she couldn't help but be amazed at the love, the warmth and beauty of the sweet, angelic goddess that Megan truly was. Really, she should've known better. Even on their first meeting that day when all the freshman arrived on campus and began filling up the dorm with their nervous, chaotic energy and Naiya finally met Megan, the girl she would be sharing a room with at least until the end of the year or until one of them got sick enough of the other to request a change of roommates, she couldn't help but be stunned by not only her beauty, but by the seemingly inexhaustible energy that just seemed to hover about her at all times.

This energy was especially shocking since at the time Naiya was almost Megan's exact opposite in the energy department. She carried her depression with her everywhere she went almost wearing it like a badge. It was intentional. She wanted everyone to know what a horrible and sad person she was if only so they'd leave her alone and let her wallow in her sadness because that was exactly what she deserved. She didn't deserve any friends, she didn't deserve any lovers, she didn't even deserve to be alive and she definitely didn't deserve to have a pretty and friendly roommate like the one she found waiting for her when she came to the door of their dorm room and saw her standing their humming along to some song Naiya had never heard before as she organized her clothes into a small dresser.

What Naiya saw there in the split second before her step-father came bumbling up behind her and blew her cover by loudly dropping the two rather large and fairly heavy boxes in his arms in a sad, but amusing attempt to impress all the young college girls wandering up and down the halls was simply amazing. No, stunning was a better word as she authentically stunned for that brief moment when she managed to somehow take in Megan's long, thin body perfectly outlined in her tight, black Ramone's t-shirt that did nothing to hide her small, perky breasts and her tight, very holey, very comfy looking blue jeans that almost showed just enough of the soft, lightly tanned skin on Megan's thin, but shapely legs that Naiya's heart almost skipped a beat despite her dreary and dark world view. Naiya's eyes were also drawn to Megan's cute, no, beautiful, oval of a face top with lovely dark hair (that was at that moment tied back in a loose ponytail) with it's large dark eyes and soft, full lips before she was caught staring when Megan jumped and even squealed a little at the sound of the boxes loudly smacking against the floor.

"Uhh, sorry," Naiya's step-father said with just a touch of embarrassment as he tried to catch his breath while Naiya looked at him and shook her head. He then quickly excused himself to go get some more boxes out of the car leaving Naiya alone with her roommate who still looked a little startled until Naiya forced herself to break the tension with an introduction.

"Ah, well I wondered when you'd get here," was Megan's initial response before she introduced herself and then they awkwardly stared at each other for a moment before Naiya started back out the door only to be stopped by Megan continuing "So ... do you need any help? I've like been here since like, fuck, I don't know. I haven't plugged in my clock yet, but I'm totally almost done and looks like your ... Dad?..."

"Step dad," Naiya corrected her. It was not an unusual question since her step father looked nothing like her being a pale white, red head with freckles compared to Naiya's much darker brown complexion and her jet black hair.

"Ahh," Megan said before quickly adding almost without missing a beat. "Well, it looks like your step dad is about to have a coronary, so I'd totally be glad to help."

"Sure, if you want," was Naiya's casual response and almost instantly regretted the decision. Not for any good reason, but because she was quick to discover that Megan, who'd just assumed that Naiya, like herself, had actually read everything the college had sent her and knew her name before realizing she obviously hadn't and finally divulged her name as they made their way to the first floor, was Naiya's exact polar opposite. She was bright, she was cheery and she was extremely friendly in a way that under normal circumstances would've just drawn Naiya in. Now, however, Naiya found herself struggling against a strong urge to withdraw under the assault of positive energy that was emanating from her roommate as they unpacked her things from her step father's Jeep and then carried them up to the room the effort apparently doing nothing to hinder Megan's positive outlook or ability to talk.

By the time Naiya's step father finally satisfied himself that she was good and left her alone with Megan Naiya was silently wishing for some way to politely tell her to fuck off so she could be alone with her thoughts. Megan, however, was completely oblivious as she tried her best to crack through Naiya's shell and get to know her despite Naiya's constant refrain of curt one word answers to even the friendliest inquiry. Still, Megan just seemed ignore the obvious as she kept plugging along and eventually Naiya found her will to be sad lump of self pity weakening as she found herself warming to Megan's personality. Of course, there was a selfish reason for this because after a good hour Megan finally asked what turned out to be the right question.

"So, look, I know we barely know each other, but since we're totally stuck with each other at least until someone drops out or however it works and this is like way fucking important I'm just gonna come right out and ask: do you smoke?"

"Smoke what?" Naiya had answered in all innocence and was actually quite confused when Megan smiled at her.

"That is a yes," Megan said brightly and then added upon noting Naiya's confused expression. "Dude, weed."

"Oh, duh," Naiya said as she smiled weakly feeling a bit dumb. "Yeah, that's a yes."

"Thank fucking god. I was totally worried I was going to get stuck with some straight edge super Christian or something. Not that I have anything against Christians or anything, but you know what I mean, so yeah ... the next question is obviously do you wanna get high? Please say yes, because I'm going to regardless and if you don't that'll be so weird and this is totally weird enough with the living with a stranger and everything, so don't make it weird and just say yes."

"Uh, yeah, but..." Naiya said cautiously in part because she was still getting used to Megan's convoluted and verbose speaking style, but also, as Megan quickly picked up on, because she was still a tad unsure about their surroundings.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I met the RA earlier and she basically came right out and said that she didn't care as long as we aren't dumb about it, you know light incense, cover the cracks in the door with towels or whatever and stuff, so that's no big deal. Also, no biggie if you don't have any. I totally stocked up before I left home 'cause god only knows when I'll find a connection here. Well, a good one anyway, so yeah?"

Megan didn't really expect an answer and she didn't wait for one as she grabbed her backpack while instructing Naiya to lock the door and stick a towel in the crack while she began to the process rolling a joint. Naiya got up to do just this, but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the bag that Megan pulled from her backpack. It was absolutely amazing. Naiya had simply never seen that much weed in one place in her entire life.

"Wow, you weren't kidding, were you?" Naiya said when Megan noticed she wasn't moving and glanced at her oddly.

"I never kid about smoke. Everything else, yes, but weed? Never." Megan said, not bothering to hide her smile as Naiya continued to look at her, obviously impressed. "But, seriously, cover the doors. We can gaze in wonder at the weed once we're stoned. Oh and there's some nag champa in my desk drawer. Feel free to grab it when you're done. This stuff is hardly the greatest, but it freakin' smells. If we don't light some half the potheads on campus will come over and this room is way too small for that."

Naiya couldn't help but chuckle a little at this impromptu speech. Not because it was funny, but more because it was just delivered in such an odd and quirky fashion. She had to admit that she was already beginning to warm to Megan despite the fact that she really didn't want to. As they got down to the task of smoking the nice, almost perfect joint that Megan rolled while continuing to speak volumes about nothing in particular this feeling only continued to grow.

It may have sounded odd if she were to speak the thought aloud, but one of the things about Megan that she was starting to like the most was the fact that she talked so damned much. Sure, it had annoyed Naiya at first when she was busy trying to be depressed, but not that she had relaxed she was quickly learning there were some definite benefits to it. Namely, Megan's willingness to fill all the air in the conversation with her apparently abundant reserve of random and odd, little thoughts left Naiya completely free to just sit and listen without having to reveal too much about herself because while Megan definitely seemed to be interested in getting to know Naiya better her way of getting to know her obviously didn't involve asking too many direct questions.

At least not right away. Not that night, nor the first couple of weeks as they were far too busy with getting back into the idea of taking classes (which, as it turned they shared three, but only took two of them at the same time and beyond that, actually had quite a similar schedule time wise) after a summer of marijuana fueled relaxation for Megan and stressful, life changing, friendship ending self destruction for Naiya. No, for awhile there Naiya actually thought she might get away with being able to forget the many mistakes she'd made over the summer as she made fast friends with Megan as well as a few other friendly souls.

Not that Naiya didn't reveal anything about her past. She just didn't have to and she definitely enjoyed this freedom to avoid discussing those things that were truly painful for her. Basically this involved not talking about anything relating to Ashlee or Macy. Max, though, was actually easy to speak of and she'd done it more than once. Honestly, she found bitching about him to actually feel pretty damned good. She actually had Megan to thank for that. She'd first mentioned him when Megan had been bitching about her ex-boyfriend during one of their many hangout sessions. Still, the information had not been forced out of her in the least and that was nice. It was very freeing to know that she was allowed to fill in the blanks of her life on her own without having it dragged out of her by some nosy busybody.

Sadly, this didn't last forever. One night when they both were relatively free with Naiya no class the next day and Megan just having to a little Art History class that she was so far doing great in even though she kept showing up to class high the inevitable finally happened. Well, not the inevitable, because the way it all came about was actually quite a freak occurrence. In fact, if Megan hadn't accidentally wandered her way into such a sore subject Naiya likely would've been amazed at her ability to recall such a seemingly insignificant event. Nonetheless, though, it was still quite a jarring moment when Megan stunned with what to her could only have been a perfectly innocent question

"You know," Megan had started as she took a hit off of yet another joint (the bag had since been sold off once Megan found a good connection with much better weed) and then passed it to Naiya as she paused to hold in the hit "I finally figured out something that's been bugging for like forever."

"Yeah?" Naiya had responded absent mindedly as she took a hit herself. "What's that?"

"I finally figured why you seemed so familiar too me when I saw you. We totally met at orientation."

"What?" the question was sincere. Honestly, Naiya barely remembered orientation. It seemed like years ago, already. What little she did remember of it didn't involve really meeting anyone. Of course, at the time she really wouldn't have noticed if she had because she had been a little bit distracted by Ashlee who had given her a ride as well as tagged along and who at the time was still very much in love with her. It was also before the doubts that eventually drove Naiya to make the dumbest decision of her young life starting creeping in.

Of course, as Naiya asked that one word question she wasn't even thinking of any of that. She had finished her paper over an hour ago and since then she'd be sitting on her bed next to Megan watching the Daily Show and getting stoned. Thinking wasn't exactly the easiest thing for her at that moment and if Megan hadn't continued with her thought after finally exhaling her hit Naiya likely would've completely forgotten what Megan had been talking about by the time she took her next hit. As fate would have it, however, Megan continued.

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd remember, but we totally met. Well, we didn't really meet, but I totally remembered seeing you there like 'bam!' today after class when I saw you wearing that Super Girl t-shirt and I was like god, I want that shirt because I totally used to have one just like it and I loved it and that's when it clicked. I totally saw you at orientation. You were like walking right next to me when we were touring the campus and you were with this cute, little cheerleader type chick and you were wearing that same fucking t-shirt and I totally thought the same thing I thought today because, seriously I love that shirt and I am so borrowing it from you as soon as possible. Just fair warning, but ... anyway ... who was that chick anyway? Was she like your sister or something?"

"Umm," Naiya began as she was still struggling to decipher everything that had just come flying out of her roommate's mouth. She wasn't too successful and eventually she just said "What?"

"I'm not repeating all of that, but basically one: I want to borrow your Super Girl t-shirt and two: who was that girl who came with you to orientation? You know who I'm talking about. You guys like totally knew each other because she was like the only person you talked to the whole time, but she's like not here because me and Connie and Becky are like the only people you hang out with and none of us knew each other before we got here, so..."

"Oh, that was..." and paused as she suddenly felt her heart begin to sink. She would have been lying if she'd said at that moment that that was the first time she'd thought of Ashlee since she'd started to relax and make the best of her fresh start with new people, but she'd managed so far to keep those thoughts to herself and generally only suffered from them late at night or when she was alone and it was safe to cry without being questioned as to why. Now, however, she was not alone and while she wasn't on the verge of tears she definitely didn't want to think about Ashlee let alone talk about her. Still, she could think of no way to get out of answering the question without it being weird, so, as Megan began to look at her funny for taking so long to answer such a simple question Naiya finally managed to say " ... Ashlee. That was Ashlee." in a soft, flat voice.

"Oh," was Megan initial and very uncharacteristically short response. At first, Naiya thought that would be it, but apparently Megan was just getting ready to take another hit as a few seconds later she continued in a voice that made it clear that she was holding in a hit "So who the hell was she anyway? You guys seemed really close, but like you never mention her."

"She ... She was just a friend..." Naiya responded, her voice even quieter than before. If Megan had noticed the change in tone she didn't let it show as she continued to question Naiya in a light, airy and friendly tone as if they were just talking about something incredibly unimportant just to have something to talk about. Of course, as far as she knew this was true. She talked about her old friends all the time and even bitched about several of them often. Nothing mean or cruel, but just for the hell of it and to have something to say.

"Was?" Megan continued before tapping Naiya on the shoulder as she tried to pass her the joint. When Naiya just sat there without responding while staring into space with a dead expression on her face Megan finally began to catch on that she might have hit a nerve. "You okay, Naiya? I'm not like bugging you about some..."

"I don't want to talk about it," Naiya interrupted bluntly and then instantly felt bad about it. When Megan meekly responded with a softly spoken "Okay" followed after a short pause by "I'm sorry" Naiya felt even worse. As they both sat there in silence for a moment with Naiya feeling bad about being so emotional and rude to such a nice person as Megan while Megan was obviously wondering what exactly she'd done wrong Naiya just kept feeling worse and worse about it until finally she took a deep breath and gathered up as much strength as she could before she finally broke the silence with a softly spoken voice "Can you keep a secret?"

Megan, still looking slightly wounded actually managed to look a little relieved as she nodded and then added "Of course I can. I mean I know we haven't known each other very long, but you're totally my friend. If you tell me something and tell me not to say anything my lips are sealed. Swear to god. No one will ever know. I mean, ugh, don't think you have to tell me anything. I mean, I feel like I'm almost begging for you tell me and I totally do want to hear it, but I don't..."

"I want to tell you. I mean, I have to tell you at some point. Well, not ... I don't know ... it's just ... fuck, okay, here goes..." Naiya said and then covered her eyes for moment as she thought of the best way to say it and then decided that blunt was best if only for clarities sake. "Ashlee was my girlfriend."

"Well, I figured that, but ... oh..." and now it was Megan's turn to pause as a look of shock came over her face for a second and remained there as she asked "You mean like girlfriend not girlfriend, don't you?"

"Yeah," Naiya said with a sigh as she turned away from the shocked look on Megan's face as she actually began to cry. She wasn't bawling, she wasn't sobbing, but she could feel the tears beginning to form and swell up in her eyes as she began to think she'd made a mistake. As she turned away, however, Megan couldn't help but notice a tear as it began to roll down her cheek and she instantly shot into action.

"Oh, fuck, Naiya," Megan said as she sat up and then pulled Naiya into a hug which was instinctively returned as Naiya almost instantly stopped crying as a feeling of comfort just washed over her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to look all shocked it's just ... I don't know. I just didn't know. I mean you were bitching about some dickhead named Max like a week ago. I just thought ... wait, what about him?" As Megan asked this she loosened the hug so she could look Naiya in the eye. Her look was inscrutable, but somehow very non-threatening. Still, it was a little uncomfortable for a second as Naiya studied that face wondering how to answer the somewhat accusatory question and her response was just naturally a tad defensive as a result.

"Well, I wasn't lying about him. He was my boyfriend and he was an asshole and I did break up with him just before I left for school because he fucked my friend. I wasn't lying. It's just ... it's really fucking complicated. I don't ... I don't know how..." Naiya said and she was cut off by an apologetic hug.

"Girl, don't stress yourself. I'm just totally stoned right now. Never mind me and my confuzzled brain. I just had no idea. I mean, why should I right? I don't know. Just don't cry about it. I mean, seriously, what girl hasn't at least made out with another girl? Hell, I've done it like a billion times. Shit, my best friend Mandy has like the softest lips. Oh my god, that girl can kiss, but you know ... I don't know. Dude, don't worry about the kind of stuff around me. I don't care if you like girls. Shit, Mandy did and I made out with her. Never anything else though, but ... whatever. Is that what was stressing you out?"

Naiya found herself smiling at this classic Megan response and even initiated a quick warm hug herself before they naturally just broke apart both of them knowing that the tense moment had passed, but for the first time in a long time Naiya actually found herself wanting to recall her wonderful and disastrous relationship with Ashlee. Sure, as Naiya began to tell her tale Megan again assured her that she didn't have to. Naiya however insisted on the basis that she really needed to get it off her chest, so she did.

It wasn't really a long story, but it was tough to get out because, honestly, it was definitely not Naiya's proudest moment. She'd barely got to the part about how she had been Ashlee's first when Megan started rolling another joint because, as she put it, "I'm guessing you're gonna need this by the time you're done."

She was right, too. Sadly, without the calming effect of the marijuana on her mind Naiya likely wouldn't have been able to get through how she'd started to question her sexuality after she started to realize that she was beginning to have real, deep feelings for Ashlee. In fact, even with the weed and Megan's non-judgmental attitude and rapt attention Naiya still had a hard time when she got to part where she starting talking to her ex-boyfriend while she was still going out with Ashlee and even did it right in front of her.

"Damn, you're cold," Megan had said when Naiya told her that part. She then quickly apologized when Naiya frowned sadly, but Naiya just shook her head and brush off the apology.

"No, it was a fucked up thing to do. It's like the whole time I knew if I just talked to her about everything that she'd totally understand. I mean, you don't know Ashlee, but she was totally like the nicest, most caring person I've ever known and she totally would've understood. Dude, I almost guarantee you should've let me fuck Max just to get it out of my system or whatever, you know ... even knowing that there was a chance that I might break up with her, but like I still couldn't say anything to her about it. I mean I just couldn't. I wanted to, but I fucking couldn't do it. I mean that's kind of why I talked to him in front of her. I was kinda hoping she'd just say something, but she never fucking took the bait. Not once and the bam! I actually started buying that assholes crap and next thing I know she's fucking my stepsister."

"Dude, what?" Megan said and then coughed harshly as she choked on her last hit. It took her a minute recover, but when she did she repeated the question and then clarified by adding "She fucked your step sister? I didn't even know you had a step sister."

"Well, yeah, I don't like talking about her. They're kind of living together. That's actually one of the things that kinda set me off."

"What they were living together before? I thought Ashlee was like our age."

"No, they ... you see, they're both going to -- and they don't have that rule that we have about freshman having to stay in dorms, so as soon as they realized they both got in there they talked our parents and Ashlee's parents into letting them rent an apartment and living together instead."

"Lucky bitches. I mean, no offense, but I'd love to have my own place. Sure, if I did we'd probably have never got to know each other or Connie and Becky or whatever, but you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I get you. I was totally jealous about it for forever, but then I realized that it would've sucked to be all by myself ... and that's half of it right there..." as Naiya said that she started to feel a little depressed. This was why she didn't like talking about it. It just made her feel so incredibly and impossibly dumb to realize how childish and irrational she had been in those last few months at home. Even being with Ashlee had just been a whim really, something she hadn't thought out. Honestly, if she had known that she would have developed feelings for Ashlee so quickly she likely never would have even approached her.

But what hurt most about thinking like that was the fact that she really didn't know if never being with Ashlee would have been better than what happened. The first couple months of their relationship had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. Sexually, emotionally and in just about every other imaginable way it was so perfect, but still she'd thrown it all away for reasons she still didn't fully understand. An odd mixture of jealousy over things that hadn't even happened, the fear of loss over what might happen when they were separated, fear of losing herself in the murkiness of her own confused and seemingly incomprehensible sexuality and her need to regain some control over the emotions and feelings that had been building in her ever since she'd had sex with Kelli seemingly just for kicks only to find herself wanting to feel more of what she'd felt that night.

It was still all just too overwhelming to even begin to think about and now here she was stoned and tired and trying her best to explain all these complicated and maddeningly irrational thoughts that had driven Naiya to destroy her relationship with Ashlee to both herself and Megan and feeling like she was failing completely. It only got worse when she got to the part where she was forced to recall what she'd given it all up for: One whole week of boring sex, bad conversation and overall dissatisfaction with Max that she ended herself much to his surprise and anger.

And in the end the only one true friend she had left was Kelli and by that time she just wasn't enough and Naiya even ended up just using her as well. Not that Kelli had cared. She'd been more than happy to play the role of Naiya's grudge fuck for her own selfish reasons. Naiya, however, felt so guilty about it that she couldn't even talk to her anymore either, so she was left with nothing. Of course, there were other issues with Kelli as well, but, frankly she didn't even care about that. It was nothing, as far as she was concerned, compared to her own sins.