Chapter 5: Misty Mountain Hop

The next morning I was surprised to be feeling better. Perhaps in some subconscious dream I’d worked out some demons, or maybe I was just tired the previous night, but when Julie came over I was genuinely happy to see her.

She had breakfast with us, and we even had time for a short beach walk while my parents finished packing. Lara was holed up in her room getting her stuff together, since she hadn’t packed the night before. The few times I’d looked at her, she just glanced at me blankly. I felt bad for having shut her out the night before, but there was no time to reconcile with her at the moment.

Julie and I stood by the gentle waves of a low tide. We promised to write often and try to see each other during the year, however difficult and unlikely. She shed a few tears as she thanked me for the great summer with a tender kiss.

The ride back to our house was long and quiet. Lara was distant, but there was nothing I could do about it with our parents sitting in the front seats. I thought about writing instead of talking, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted that information preserved on paper. Besides, Lara couldn’t read in the car without feeling sick.

Evening was spreading across the sky as Sarah turned into our long driveway. After a hundred yards, our rustic house came into view, buried in the middle of eighty acres of quiet forest, disturbed only by the animal life and a small pond-fed creek that bubbled actively nearby. Returning to the mountains was bittersweet. The majestic beauty of the Catskills served both as inspiration for life, and as a reminder that vacation ­– and Julie time – was over.

After we unpacked the car, I asked Lara to come to the creek with me. She shrugged wordlessly, following me out the back door. We walked to the bank in silence while I tried to swallow my pride and apologize to her. I sat on a low boulder by the water.

“So, I’m sorry about last night,” I finally said, throwing a pebble into the stream. The ripples were quickly distorted by the current.

“Why?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, somewhat confused by her answer. “I blew you off when you asked about Julie.”

“So, you don’t have to tell me anything. I don’t care.”

Her tone, however, betrayed her true feelings. There was an uncomfortable wall between us. I sat still, wondering how to proceed. I had a sudden flashback to innocent winters, when Lara and I would throw big rocks into the creek to break the ice sheets, opening jagged windows that let us watch the water flowing underneath. Life was so easy back then. Even the simple pleasure of lying on the bank together, catching snowflakes with our tongues was all we needed in the world.

“Look, I wanted to tell you, but I was having a bad moment.”

For a long time Lara said nothing. I turned around to make sure she was still there.

“Last night didn’t go so well with Julie,” I added.

Lara contemplated this and then her expression softened some. “What happened?” she asked, tossing a pebble of her own into the pool.

“I don’t know. We found a dark spot over in the trees, and then we ... Well, we did it.”

“So? That sounds okay,” said Lara cautiously.

Did I really want to tell her all this? And have her think her brother was weird, or bad at sex?

“It just wasn’t what I expected.”

“Why?” she asked.

“What was your first time like?”

“I told you, remember? James and I were at the tennis courts.”

“I know, but, what did you ... How did you feel? Like during, and after?”

Lara thought for a moment. She came nearer and nudged me, so I moved over to share the boulder. I felt some relief at her gesture of closeness.

“Well, it was nice after the first minute or two. I don’t know, it was pretty good all in all,” she said.

I murmured, but didn’t say anything, still thinking about my situation.

“Was Julie in pain?” Lara asked, although her tone showed that she doubted this possibility.

“No, she liked it, or so she said.” I was being evasive, partly because I didn’t know myself what I was trying to say.

“Were you in pain?” she asked, with a frown.

“No, nothing like that! I was just wondering how you felt, uh ... I don’t know, inside, I guess. Basically, I felt rushed, and awkward, and stupid. I don’t even know anymore, it seems really stupid now that I’m saying it out loud.”

Truly, it did. Why couldn’t I just have enjoyed the night?

“What was up with her and Becky on the beach?” Lara asked suddenly.

“Oh, that. I guess they had some problem with them liking the same guy, and Becky was trying to get back at Julie by going for me. I’m not sure, really.”

“Stud,” said Lara, with a slight grin.

“Pfft, whatever. It wasn’t cool. At least Becky went away, though. Maybe that whole thing was part of the problem, too.”

“Well, what did Julie say last night, after you were done?” Lara asked, after some thought.

“She said that it was great, and then we laid there for a while. I guess I was just out of it, though. When we were at Becky’s, I felt really comfortable with everything. But last night it seemed like I was trying to put on wrong size clothes, and backward, too.” I threw another pebble in, out of frustration.

“Sometimes things aren’t just right, Matt,” she said. “I don’t know, maybe you put too much pressure on yourself?”

“Maybe,” I said, almost dismissively.

But then I thought about that for a bit and it made some sense. All of the chaos from the situation with Becky had focused our sexual tension into that one evening. The added pressure of my impending departure had likely stressed me out by the time we reached the moment of truth.

“I guess I kind of had this vision of a perfect evening,” I continued, realizing that my thoughts were finally finding the root of the problem. “You know, where Julie and I just had a really great time on our last night. I guess my vision was different than what actually happened. I don’t know. I wish I’d given Julie a better time.”

Lara sat silently as we both watched the river. When she spoke, her voice was more lighthearted. “Well, I never thought I was going to do it by a tennis court, for my first time. Not exactly my dream, but so what? And Julie did seem happy this morning, right?”

“That’s true. Hmm, maybe you’re right. I’m just overblowing things.” I gave a small laugh, letting out a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Lara.”

“For what?”

“For talking. I feel better about it now, although I have some things to think about.”

“No problem, Matt,” she said, giving me a hug with her arm.

“So, how was your night?” I asked.

“Not telling.”

I turned to her and gave her a ‘what-the-fuck?’ look. “Not telling?”

“Chill, I was just kidding,” she joked. “It was good. I mean, do you want to hear the details?”

“Um ... I guess not. Glad it was good.” After a pause, I did have to ask one thing, though. “How many times did you do it?”

“Just twice.”

Just twice?

“Did James last longer this time?” I asked.

“I thought you didn’t want to hear the details!”

“Well, I don’t know. Whatever you want.”

“He did, especially the second time.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just threw another pebble in.

“Look at us,” Lara said, with a small laugh. “A few years ago we used to play kid games right here on these rocks. Now we’re sitting here talking about sex.”

“Yeah, it’s weird,” was all I could answer.

“Do you miss Julie?” asked Lara.

“Yeah, I do. You?”

“I miss her, too,” she agreed.

I regarded her distant expression for a moment. “I meant do you miss James,” I said, my brow furrowing.

Lara gave me a small smile. “Yeah, I know. Come on, let’s go eat dinner.”

The next couple of weeks were quiet. I wrote to Julie every few days, and letters from her came about as often. I apologized for being ‘tired’ on our last night and left it at that. I didn’t have much to say, besides that I missed her and wished I was still in Montauk. Nice sentiments, but not enough to fill a decent letter after the first few times I wrote it. The optimism we felt at parting was lessening, as it became clear that letters were no substitute for being together. Still, I made an effort to tell her about what was going on, which was mostly preparing for high school, playing my guitar, and hiking in the woods. She and Becky were not on speaking terms, apparently. That suited me just fine.

Lara appeared to get over being apart from James much quicker than I did. After a few days, she seemed perfectly normal, while I stayed withdrawn. One afternoon, after struggling for an hour to produce half a page of pathetic writing, I wandered into Lara’s room across the hall. She was drawing and listening music. When she spotted me, she turned down the volume.

“What’s up?”

I plopped onto her bed. “Eh ... Trying to write Julie. Don’t know what to say.”

“How often are you writing her? Didn’t you just send her a letter?”

“A few days ago.”

“Well, not much has really happened since.”

I nodded, having come to that realization already. “Are you writing to James?”

Lara shook her head. “Nah. We decided not to.”

I sniffed. “That makes it easy.”

“Well, we weren’t serious, like you and Julie are.”

I wondered what the difference was, since on the surface our summer relationships had been fairly parallel. “I guess,” I said vaguely. “Still don’t know what to write, though.”

“So don’t. Wait a bit.”

“Then she’ll think I’m losing interest, or something.”

Lara rolled her eyes. “She’ll be fine, Matt.”

I sat in silence for a moment, and then stood. “I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am.”

“Are you ready for school?” I asked her. “Three days left of break.”

“Can’t wait to go back!”

Lara was serious. She breezed through school, actually enjoying her classes, whereas I tended to daydream about being outside in the woods. I got by on last second cramming and late night paper writing with a flashlight under my covers. The pressure of procrastination was powerful, and deadlines, rather than subject matter, tended to get me to work.

“Are you ready?” she asked.

“No.”

She smiled. “Rather be back on the beach with Julie?”

“Yeah,” I said wistfully. “It’s going to be a long year. Anyway.”

Lara scrunched up her face suddenly. “Oh, Carl called earlier. Again. Forgot to tell you.”

“Shit, I haven’t called any of the guys back.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. Not ready to make the effort yet.”

Lara laughed. “You’re some friend. Well, you’ll see them in a few days, one way or the other.”

“True. All right, I’m going to go for a walk. See you.”

Lara smiled, turning her music up again as I walked out the side door of the house and headed into the woods.

School was weighing on me. I never enjoyed starting back to classes, even though eventually I would get into gear and let go of the summer’s laziness. I disliked having to deal with classmates I hadn’t seen in months. Switching to a new building and being in the youngest grade level this year only added to the stress.

Even though it had lessened as Lara and I grew older, there were still occasional comments or questions about my parental situation to deal with, too. Lara seemed to take it in stride, but I generally felt self-conscious about what it meant to have two mothers. And now, as my classmates were growing into an age when relationships included thoughts of sexuality, I wondered what the new school year would bring. Teasing from seniors? Worse? I put the unpleasant visions out of my head and thought about Julie again.

The long distance relationship was not what I expected, even at this early stage. How could we last until we saw each other again? It would be at least three months, and more likely almost a year until I’d be able to hug Julie and kiss her again. It was an immeasurably long time with little to hold on to, save some letters. To be honest, more than once in the past few days I wished that Julie and I had come to the same arrangement that Lara and James had. Then again, every time I received a sweet letter from her, I was able to relive the feeling of being with her, and it was all worth it.

After a short hike, I emerged from the trees and looked out over the pond that was hidden in the woods uphill from our house. We rarely swam in the pond, preferring the fresh moving water of the creek instead. Still, it was a nice place to go and listen to the trees swaying in the wind. A frog jumped away from my approaching steps and dropped out of sight under the surface.

There are many beautiful places on this earth, but the Catskill Mountains will always hold a special place for me. No matter where I’ve been or what I’ve seen, whenever I come back to these majestic mountains and their seductive woods and sparkling streams, I am more alive than ever. I am fortunate to have grown up here. As I breathed in the fresh air, I forgot about school and my letter writing troubles, feeling a little more liberated.

The first day of school, Lara was sick, so I walked out to the end of the driveway and waited for the bus alone. Much to my dismay, high school started earlier than middle school. I wondered if the bus would be full of rowdy seniors throwing things at the new kids.

When I got on board, nothing had really changed though. The same few kids from our area were on the bus, including three of my friends who were hanging out in the back. Some other new faces peppered the seats, but as I walked down the aisle to the rear, it felt just like my last bus ride the previous spring.

“Matt! Where the fuck have you been, man?” asked Carl as I approached. “Didn’t you get back like three weeks ago?”

“Two. I was busy. You know,” I said nonchalantly.

They had saved me my usual seat. I dropped my bag and settled back against the side of the bus after passing out some handshakes. The four of us looked around and grinned, each perched over our seats like hawks.

“So is this the middle school bus?” I asked.

“Yeah, we all got left back,” Pete quipped.

“The older kids all drive, pretty much,” Brian explained.

I nodded, glad we still had control of some domain.

“I called you a bunch of times. Your sister said she’d tell you,” said Carl.

I winced slightly. “Yeah, I know. She told me,” I said vaguely. “I was just busy with shit.”

“Like what?” he pressed on.

“Give the man a break!” Brian chimed in. “How was Montauk?”

I gave them a brief rundown of my trip, including some vague mentions of hanging out with a girl named Julie.

“So did you hook up with her?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, actually.”

“Whoa, nice!” exclaimed Carl. “Bri hooked up with Carmen while you were gone.”

“Really! That’s cool,” I said.

I pretended to act surprised, but I wasn’t. Brian was substantially outgoing, and already a ladies’ man. When we were in sixth grade, he ‘dated’ an eighth grader briefly, which at the time was a godlike act to the rest of us.

“How did that happen?” I asked.

Brian started to speak, but Pete shushed him.

“Speaking of...” he said quietly, with a nod toward the front of the bus.

Carmen had just boarded and she was now bouncing to the back.

“Hi, Brian! Can I sit here?” she asked, pointing to his empty seat.

“No,” he replied immediately.

“Why are you such an ass?” she whined.

“That’s just the way he was born,” Carl offered.

Brian glared at him. “Shut up, Carl. All right, fine, sit,” he muttered.

“Oh, thanks a lot,” she said sarcastically.

She put down her bag anyway, leaning back against the seat. She greeted me with a little wave. “Hi, Matt!”

“Hey, Carmen.”

Carl frowned at her. “What’s wrong with me and Pete?”

“I just saw you guys yesterday,” Carmen said, as if it was obvious why she hadn’t greeted them.

Carl laughed, shook his head incredulously, and said, “Okay, then. Fuck you, too.”

“What?” Carmen said defensively. “Matt was on vacation. We’ve been hanging out all month.”

Carmen was a little funny that way. She was cute, but somewhat self-absorbed.

“How was your trip, Matt?” she asked.

“Matt hooked up with a gir-rl,” Carl chanted.

I rolled my eyes. “My trip was good. Hit the beach, took it easy. And yes, I hung out a lot with a girl.”

“That’s cool. How’s Lara?”

I noticed Pete perk up.

“She’s sick today, but otherwise she’s good.” I paused and then added, “She hooked up with someone, too.”

I had to suppress a grin as he visibly slumped down a little. He had a big crush on my sister, but she didn’t know. He was pretty shy when it came to his own affairs of the heart.

“Ooh, I’ll have to ask her about that!” gushed Carmen.

Oops. In my attempt to tease Pete, I forgot that Carmen liked to gossip. Ten bucks said that everyone would know about Lara and my summer relationships by the end of the day, before my sister had even set foot in the school. I made a note to apologize to her in advance.

It wasn’t until I returned from Montauk that I realized how habitual our drinking had become toward the end of the trip. A bottle seemed to accompany Lara, James, Julie, and me whenever we went out at night. In the heady haze of my relationship with Julie, I didn’t think twice about it.

Back at home, though, I decided to cut it off, or at least cut back a lot. Having a beer or two at an occasional gathering was one thing; getting drunk every night was another. I also knew that any chance of visiting Julie would not fly with my parents if I did poorly in school, or somehow got into trouble by drinking. So I went to class diligently, took notes, and did my homework.

Before I’d gone to Montauk, my friends and I formed a band. Carl played drums and Pete and I played guitar. Our singer and bassist was Bruno. We’d gotten together to jam a few times before I left. It was enough to realize that it was going to take work to actually be a band. We all knew parts of different songs that we’d learned, or sort of learned, but getting through anything from start to end was a pretty rough affair. Still, it was something, and it was fun to play music with someone other than my tape player.

Brian didn’t play any instruments. When we asked him if he wanted to sing, he declined. He was the only one of us who played sports at school, so soccer was his thing. But he would sometimes hang out and listen when we practiced.

The first weekend after school started, the band got together at my place to play again. We practiced in our guest house, a two-bedroom log cabin that sat a few dozen yards behind the main house. The central room had a small kitchen and plenty of space for equipment, and it was a comfortable place to be away from my parents.

Carl was busy setting up his kit and Pete and I were tuning our guitars when Bruno pushed through the door of the cabin.

“Yo, I need a hand,” he called out, his face smiling like a kid on Christmas morning.

“With what?” I asked.

“Bass cabinet!”

I narrowed my eyes. “Sweet! You got one?”

A moment later we hurried to the driveway, where Bruno’s dad was pulling a giant cabinet out of the bed of his truck. We wasted no time in carrying the equipment around back to the cabin. While we were admiring the black speaker cabinet and amplifier head, Bruno plugged in his bass. He cracked the volume knob open slightly and played the opening line from Zep’s Dazed and Confused.

We all grinned at each other. Bruno had been playing through a small guitar amp, an extra one that Pete had. The difference was astounding to us. It sounded like a real bass now!

“Man, that’s a birthday present,” Carl said.

“How loud can it get?”

Bruno glanced at the controls almost fearfully. “I’m only on one right now!”

“Turn it up a little more,” I said.

The whole room shook. The windows rattled with each note. Carl’s snare drum sizzled in response to the vibrations. The sound energized us, and amid much grinning and laughing, we started our first jam for the new school year. I wondered why I hadn’t called the guys sooner, because I missed my friends, after all.

As a result of school and spending time with my friends, my writing to Julie slipped to once a week. There was a similar decline from her. We both acknowledged that we were pretty busy with school. But it actually made for better letters; we had more to say each time we wrote.

One afternoon, after reading Julie’s latest correspondence, I decided to become proactive about seeing her. In her most recent letter, she’d said, “Please try to visit your aunt again. I so want to do things to you!” After reading that phrase over and over, each time imagining a different ‘thing’ she was doing to me, I ventured out into the great room. Sarah was paying some bills at the dining table.

“Mom?”

“Yes, sweetie?” she replied.

“What are the chances that we can go visit Aunt Beth and Uncle Hans this Christmas, instead of them coming here?”

I expected that she would call me out on my motive since it was obvious, but she did not. Still, her initial reaction was not encouraging.

“Well, that’s always peak time at the restaurant for Mommy.”

I nodded, immediately regretting having asked without thinking about the side effects of such a trip. Melissa, the chef at a nearby resort, always was busiest during both summer and winter. Wealthy skiers from northeastern cities filled the hotels and flocked to her restaurant, which was rated highly. As a ski instructor, Sarah also worked primarily in the winter, making the last week in December a poor choice to go to Montauk.

“But,” she continued, smiling, “you and Lara have a week off from school in February. We might be able to go then. That’s usually a little better than December for both of us.”

I was surprised at this. It sounded like they’d already been considering it, even.

“Really?”

“Mm hm. It would only be a week, instead of two.”

I grinned, indifferent to the length of our trip. Even an hour would be worth it. “Okay,” I said happily.

“Let’s see how things go this winter. If the holiday season goes well, I don’t see any reason why we can’t take that week off and go visit them.”

“All right, that sounds good.”

My mom looked at me. “It would mean missing a week of skiing.”

That was true. Winter break was usually nine straight days of hitting the slopes, always a highlight of each year.

“That’s all right,” I said evenly. “I’ll get enough in the rest of the season.”

My mom smiled, and then I turned and went to my room, immediately hoping for early snow and cold weather. I penned a reply to Julie, telling her of the visit. As I read my words, I wondered if I would jinx it by telling her the news this early. After all, my mom had said ‘Let’s see how things go this winter,’ and not ‘Pack your bags.’

I crumpled up the paper and started a fresh letter, leaving out the news. No, once it became more definite, I’d spring the surprise on her.

As October days were crossed off of our calendar, the air began to cool and winter started tentatively descending from the mountain tops. Everything seemed promising for an early skiing season. School was going unusually well, too. I aced my first wave of exams, finding myself tolerating my classes more than I expected. There was only one thing weighing on me.

“Have you told Julie about us maybe going down there?” Lara asked me one morning as we waited for the bus.

I stirred out of my thoughts, pausing before answering. “No, not yet.”

“Why not?”

“I ... It’s a long way off, still. I just want to make sure we’re actually going.”

“Why wouldn’t we?” she asked, frowning at me.

Both of my parents had mentioned the trip a couple of times since our first discussion of it. Melissa had even penciled it in on the calendar. By any sensible measure, it seemed almost definite. But for some reason, I still hadn’t told Julie about it.

“What’s up?” Lara asked, when I didn’t continue.

I shrugged. “Her last few letters have been ... I don’t know, kind of different.”

“How?”

“She’s like, uh, not writing much. Just saying she’s busy.”

“She probably is.”

“I know. But it’s more than that. It’s like she’s not writing about us anymore, like she used to. Last month her letters were all about what she wanted to do when we saw each other.”

Lara’s eyes brightened and a mischievous smile crossed her lips. “What she wanted to do? Like, do to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you still have them? I want to see!”

I gave her a look and then continued. “Her last few letters are different. Like she’s tired of writing to me.”

Lara murmured as she calmed down. “Do you still miss her?” she asked after some time.

It was my turn to be silent. The obvious answer was ‘Yes’, but it didn’t jump to my lips.

“I do miss her. But so much time has gone by, and so much more is left. Winter break is still like four months away. It’s cool that I won’t have to wait until next summer, but it’s still forever long.”

“It has to be hard,” Lara agreed.

“Yeah. I mean, we were together for what, like a week, and now we’re apart for months.”

“Not enough to hold on to?”

I shrugged. “It’s not that. I had an amazing time with her. I’m not going to ever forget that. But I just wish I could be with her. Hang out in person, you know? This letter thing is so ... I don’t know.”

“I know, Matt,” Lara said softly. “Julie and me used to write too, but it was kind of dumb, so we stopped.” Her face brightened. “But hey, every time we go back, it’s just like old times between us. I’m sure it’ll be the same with you.”

“But you’ve been friends with her forever. And besides, you’re not, you know, going out with her, or whatever you call what me and her are doing. It’s different when you’re just friends.”

Lara’s expression became serious as the rumbling of a big engine faded in. Soon the bus rounded the bend and slowed. Lara looked at me. I couldn’t read her face.

“You should tell her we’re coming. Maybe it’ll get her excited again.”

I followed her as she stepped onto the bus, nodding to myself. Lara was right. I needed to do something.

My excited letter to Julie announcing our probable visit for the winter went out the next day. Even though I knew there would be no reply for some time, I still checked the mail expectantly every day after school. A week passed, and another. I called Julie twice, leaving messages. Halloween went by, uncelebrated, and not just because it was unusually cold.

Nothing.

The skiing season started in early November with a week of cold temperatures and a few inches of snow. My friends and I were all avid skiers, and once the slopes opened, we usually went every weekend. One benefit of having a parent who was an instructor at the nearby resort was a big discount on season passes, and I took full advantage of the unlimited lift access. Skiing, like fishing, is one of my favorite activities.

As restaurant reservations began to fill up for Melissa and Sarah took to the slopes to teach, parental supervision after school diminished. I was hanging out increasingly with my friends, skiing, hiking or playing music. We started making progress as a band, working up mostly classic rock covers and having a good time of it. It definitely cut into my schoolwork, but suddenly I was not feeling as motivated to study.

As the initial discomfort of being freshmen dissipated, my friends began to get into the high school party scene through Brian’s older brother, Craig. I’d resisted the first few invitations, remembering my vow to stay relatively clean. However, on the final bus ride home before the Thanksgiving holiday, Brian mentioned that he’d convinced his brother to take us up to one of the parties held in the woods. Going out at night was easy for Lara and me. Ever since I could remember, our mothers let us, even encouraged us to sleep over at friends’ houses a few times a month. They, meanwhile, would entertain their friends with dinner and movies. So when Brian asked if we wanted to go to this party, I joined Carl in saying yes.

After stepping off the bus, I was happy to be finished with school for the four-day weekend. Lara checked the mail, since I’d stopped looking in the mailbox out of frustration. Suddenly she came bounding toward me, an envelope clutched in her mitten.

“She wrote!”

My stomach lurched as I took the letter from her. I turned the envelope around in my hand, eyeing the set of small drawings on the outside: flowers, a tree, a sunset ... Fewer than usual, but they still made me smile.

“Well, open it!” Lara pressed.

I pulled out the note. It was short, I noticed with some regret. I read it once, and then again. It didn’t take long.

“What does it say?” Lara asked when I stared off.

I was silent for a long moment, trying to reconcile the cute drawings on the envelope with the words in her letter. “Um ... Says she’s sorry she hasn’t written. She’s got a lot of work at school. That’s pretty much it.”