Chapter 20: All My Love

After lunch, since Heather was helping her mom with dinner, I went into town to buy condoms. Armed with a crisp twenty and a wad of nerves, I tied my bike to a lamppost down the street from the drugstore. I sat on a nearby bench for a while, wondering what the big deal was.

There was none. I knew almost no one in Montauk. And so what if I was buying condoms? I looked a little older than fifteen, right?

When I walked into the store, there were only a few people browsing. I found the area I needed and quickly settled on a six-pack. As I was walking to the front register, I paused. I was leaving in five days. Heather said my life was going to get much more exciting. Six divided by five...

Armed now with two twelve packs and a twenty – and still the nerves – I approached the register. The man behind the counter made no strange faces or extraordinary comments as he rung me up. There was no question about my age, or why I needed the condoms. My old health teacher Mr. Quigley didn’t return from the dead to scold me, as I’d been half-expecting.

It was so easy!

“Hey, Matt!”

I froze for a second. I didn’t recognize the male voice. Must be another Matt in the store.

“Matt?” the person repeated, behind me now.

It was Bill, Heather’s ex-boyfriend, holding a box of aspirin. I felt the heat spread across my face as he glanced at the pharmacist who was bagging my purchase.

“How’s it going?” Bill greeted with a smile.

“Good, good.” I tried to stay calm, but felt like I was beet red.

“How are things with Heather?”

I frowned. His tone was friendly, too friendly considering he’d been her boyfriend just a few days ago.

“Um, good.”

“Cool. Treat her well, huh?”

I nodded slightly. The pharmacist passed me the bag and my change as Bill stepped up and put the aspirin and some money on the counter.

“I’ll see you later,” I said awkwardly.

“Later on,” he replied.

As I walked to my bike, I wondered if he was going to come out and start a fight, but he didn’t. It took the whole ride home for me to become calm again.

“Twenty-four!” came the exclamation. Heather let out a long and loud laugh on the other end of the phone line.

“What?” I protested, when I heard her put the receiver near her ear again.

“Aren’t we hopeful!”

“Well, I didn’t want to be going there every day!”

“I know. It’s just funny as hell!”

“Next time you can go get them then,” I said petulantly.

“No, I’m just giving you a hard time, because it’s so cute!”

“Whatever.”

“Twenty-four. Heh, heh.”

“How’s dinner going?” I asked, trying to change the topic.

Heather wasn’t swayed though. Her tone became much more suggestive. “Do you really think we can get through twenty-four before you leave?”

“Oh, so now you approve? I didn’t buy them all for this week, you know.”

“Oh right, I forgot. You’ll need them for all your girlfriends at home, too.”

“No, don’t be ridiculous. But you’re coming to visit, right? It won’t be as easy to get them where I live. The drugstore is pretty far from my house.”

“All right, that makes sense, I guess,” Heather admitted. “Well, I do need to get back to work. See you in a few hours!”

She sent a kiss through the phone and then she was gone.

“Twenty-four?” Lara burst out.

Her reaction was just like Heather’s. I calmly waited for her laughing to subside, my brow arched.

“You can use them, too, if you want,” I offered. “They’re in my book bag.”

“Matt, if you haven’t noticed by now, I should let you know that I don’t have a penis.”

“For James, Lara. For James,” I said with the greatest patience.

“I know that!”

I floated closer to her as a wave pushed on me. She splashed me with some water, but I didn’t return the fight.

“So what’s up?” I asked.

“With?”

“You said you needed to talk.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“Well?” I urged, after a pause.

“This isn’t the moment.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t feel like talking about it now.”

“All right. Can you at least give me a hint?”

“Let’s go inside. The waves are too rough to have a serious conversation.”

I followed Lara up the beach. The three women and Hans were coming down the porch steps.

“What are your plans for dinner, sweetie?” Melissa asked Lara.

“I don’t know.”

“We’re thinking of eating down on the wharf,” Sarah said.

“Hey,” I protested, “without me?” I loved going there.

“Well, if you’d rather that than eat at Heather’s, you’re welcome to come too,” Melissa offered, her eyes impish. When I only returned a smile, she went on. “Do you want to come, Lara?”

“We’re thinking of walking into town now and then going to the restaurant,” Sarah added.

“What time will you be there?” Lara asked.

“In an hour or so. We’re going to walk the beach a bit first.”

“Um ... I think I’ll just stay home and read,” Lara said.

I looked at her, surprised. Lara loved eating at the wharf as much as I did.

“You sure?” Sarah asked.

“Yeah, I’m kind of tired.”

“Okay, there’s some food in the fridge from last night, if you want.”

“That’ll be fine.”

The adults set off after wishing me a fun time at Heather’s. Inside the house, Lara stripped and went straight for the shower to wash off. I followed and we soon were under the cool water, sand and salt running in patterns along the tub basin and into the drain.

“So I’m kind of jealous,” Lara said suddenly. She wiped the water from her eyes and glanced at me.

“Jealous?” I frowned. “Of what?”

“Of you. Of Heather.” Lara studied her feet.

I stood dumbfounded for a moment. “What are you talking about?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

My mind masticated the sudden whirl of thoughts going through my head, but nothing settled into place.

“I’m not really jealous, but...” Lara started, but trailed off.

I could tell it was an attempt to retreat from the conversation, probably due to my not speaking. I forced myself to think clearly. If anything, I was a little jealous of her! After all, she’d had such an easy relationship with James. None of the heartache I’d gone through with Julie, and indeed even none of the agony I’d suffered with Heather before we’d finally hooked up. And Lara seemed to have sex at every opportunity. What was she possibly jealous about?

“Lara, tell me what’s going on.”

“I don’t know. It’s...” She took a breath. “I wish I had what you and Heather have.”

“Which is?”

Lara eyed me. “You’re in love.”

I opened my mouth and started to say something, before her words registered.

“You are, Matt,” she continued. “You’ve loved her, forever. And now you’re with her.”

“What about James?” I asked, avoiding a response to her observation.

“What about him?” she shrugged. “It’s just sex with him. And even that isn’t always that great.”

“Why?”

“He’s done so fast, before I’ve even gotten really excited.”

“So do it again, then.”

“He usually can’t get it up again for a while. But it doesn’t matter, anyway. I don’t feel any love for him. I thought ... I thought when I got back this year, I would feel differently. But it’s the same as last year. It’s just a summer fling.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t have any reason to believe James and she were meant for each other, so there was no motivation to try to convince her of it.

“So you want to find someone to love?” I asked.

She nodded. “It’s hard.”

“You’re just fifteen,” I reminded her, laughing a little.

“So are you. That’s why I’m jealous. You’re so lucky.”

“I guess. Well, who do you like at school? There’s at least a hundred guys at our high school. And actually, another hundred girls.”

“I don’t know,” Lara said dismissively. “You know how guys are. Some are boring. Some are assholes.”

I sighed. “I was an asshole for a while last year, though.”

“Hmm. But that was different. You just went through an asshole phase. Some of those guys are just plain assholes, period.”

“Well, maybe,” I agreed. “But isn’t there anyone you know that you feel some connection with?”

Lara just watched me, breathing slowly. For a long time we just held each other’s stare. The water continued to spray the wall of the shower. I knew what she was thinking. She never said the word, but I knew. Lara turned her eyes away first.

“I felt that way with Julie,” she said vaguely.

She pushed on the shower curtain and sat on the side of the tub. I sat next to her.

“But I don’t know how real that is, either,” she continued. “I’ve known her forever. Things got a little weird last summer. I’m not blaming you, though. I’m just saying that I think she drifted away and then kind of broke our trust.”

“By not telling me about the two of you?” I asked softly.

“Yeah, stuff like that.”

“Did you call her today?”

“No, but maybe I will now.”

“I heard she is back with the dude she was with earlier this year.”

“Brian?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh,” Lara muttered, her face turning somewhat downcast.

“But still, she said she didn’t like him,” I offered. “Maybe she’s just with him to get back at me, or something.”

“Have you talked to her?”

“No. Actually, I haven’t seen her since I ended it. I’m kind of surprised.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I expected her to try to get back with me.”

Lara nodded in agreement.

“You should call her,” I urged. “But what about James?”

Lara sighed. “I don’t know. When I’m with him I have fun, but when I’m not, I’m kind of not really thinking of him. I mean, I don’t even feel like hanging out with him tonight, even though it looks like I’ll have the house to myself for a little while.”

“So you’re bored with him?”

“I want something else,” she deflected wistfully.

“Call Julie,” I suggested, ignoring her look.

Lara laughed slightly.

“At least see where you stand with her,” I added.

Lara stood. “All right, I’ll call Julie.”

“Things will work out,” I said, rising beside her. Suddenly I had a thought. “Hey. What about Pete?”

“Your friend?”

“Yeah. He’s not an asshole.”

Lara considered for a second. “He’s quiet. I don’t really know him. Why do you say?”

“Well, he’d kill me if I told you, but he’s had a crush on you for a long time.”

“Pete? Really? Are you sure? He never even looks me, let alone talks to me.”

“All right, so he is really quiet with people he doesn’t know. But he’s cool.”

“I never thought of him in that way,” Lara admitted.

“Well, it’s just a possibility.”

I didn’t think Pete would ever act on his feelings, so perhaps Lara could give him a little nudge. I liked him, and maybe it would be a good, if unlikely match.

“What time are you leaving for Heather’s?” Lara asked, as we dried off.

“Soon. I have to pick up some photos in town on the way to her house.”

“Okay, I’m going to call Julie, then.”

“Good luck.”

I was a little nervous when I knocked on the door to Heather’s house. Not because of the upcoming dinner with her parents, but rather because of the bunch of roses I clutched in my hand. The door opened with a little squeak.

“Oh, Matt, are those for me?”

“Um ... sure.”

Mairead’s eyes glinted in the early evening light. “Come in. Heather is running late. She’ll be out shortly.”

“I thought she was never late!”

Mairead gave me a funny look and then shook her head. “I see she’s misled you quite nicely, then.”

I laughed with her as we went into the house. Aongus greeted me warmly, and then Heather rushed into the living room, freshly showered.

“You’re late,” I remarked, grinning.

“I’m never late. You’re just early.”

I didn’t even bother to check my watch and refute the statement. Instead, I handed her the flowers. Heather smiled beautifully and thanked me sweetly.