Chapter 14: What Is and What Should Never Be

For not being a morning person, I was sure waking up early an awful lot. The sun was barely cracking the horizon as I trudged down the old planks, remembering the difficult events of the night before. She was already there when I arrived at the end of the pier.

“I’m sorry about last night, over at the gazebo,” I said, after we exchanged subdued greetings.

She just shrugged a little.

“I probably shouldn’t have brought that up,” I continued. “I didn’t consider how you might feel about it.”

“You told the truth,” she remarked simply.

“Yeah, well, I feel bad. I said it because ... because I maybe was wanting a little revenge.”

She laughed gently. “I know.”

“I hope you’re not mad at me.”

She was watching me, but I avoided her glance. “No, Matt, everything’s fine.”

We were quiet for a while. Then she spoke again. “So, is it over?” she asked softly.

I sighed heavily. “Yeah, it’s over. It has to be.”

There was no response from her as I listened to the waves lapping at the pilings of the pier. When I finally looked at her, I found surprising comfort and sympathy in those lively blue eyes.

The night before had been somewhat of a mess. In that moment of truth, that instant where the fork in the road had opened before me, it became clear which path was wrong. Everything Lara had told me suddenly made sense. True sense. The mistakes I’d already made that summer became painfully obvious, as if displayed in completely new lighting. I felt sad looking into those brown eyes as they silently pleaded with me. But I wasn’t trapped by them anymore, or by the promise of long days gazing at them full of desire. My only hope was that we could remain friends.

“Why are you asking about John now?” Julie had asked. After what seemed like an eternity of staring at each other, she turned away. “Someone’s coming,” she muttered. She wiped at the streaks on her face.

I turned as two figures approached in the fading light.

Oh great, just what we need...

“Hi!” The couple stopped just shy of the gazebo’s steps.

“Oh, hi guys.” Julie’s voice was still a little tremulous. There was a brief silence and then she spoke again. “Um, sorry. This is Matt, my boyfriend.”

I nodded to them, my gut tightening further at hearing her call me that. It’s funny how one word can just set you off. Up to that point, I felt no anger toward Julie. But when I looked at her then, I saw the things she’d done to me and the things she’d kept from me. It was surprising to suddenly see these things so nakedly revealed. Lara was right. I’d never gotten my anger out. Now it had crawled unwanted out of its hiding place and before I could control it, it spoke for me.

“I know Heather,” I said to Julie, watching her.

She turned to me in surprise. “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, we fish together in the mornings.”

Julie’s face twisted into a frown. I glanced at Heather, remembering that her boyfriend was right there. Surprisingly, I saw a slight smile cross her face for a second. I don’t know if they could sense the tension between Julie and me, but either way they excused themselves and continued strolling down to the end of the pier.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you knew her?” Julie asked pointedly.

“It didn’t come up,” I dismissed.

“When did you fish with her?” The suspicion was clear in her voice.

I shrugged. “Last summer for a while, and a few times this year. This morning, even. She likes to fish on the pier here too.”

“This morning? Like you were down here hanging out with her, for hours?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Julie gaped at me. “You know, for all your talk of me not telling you about Lara and John, it sounds like you’re just the same.”

“It’s not the same at all.”

I wondered if she was really upset about Heather, or if she was just using this as a ploy to excuse herself from not having told me about her encounters. It didn’t matter though. I knew what I needed to do; arguing the differences between my secrets and hers was not in my best interest.

“Julie, sit.”

She just scowled at me silently in the dusk.

I shrugged as I took a seat. “All right, don’t.”

I swallowed hard, wondering exactly how to begin. What I’d rehearsed all day for my talk with her was an optimistic, yet cautious healing of our relationship. But that was not what I was going to say now. I was going to have to wing it.

“I think we should stop being together as a couple,” I began. I cringed a little, as it sounded pretty harsh. But so fucking what? She needs to feel some pain, too.

“What? W-why? Why, Matt!” Julie sputtered loudly, her face a mask of shock.

“Shh, come on, keep it down. They’re just down there,” I pleaded, gesturing toward the end of the pier.

“I don’t give a shit. Is this because of John? Or Lara?”

“No, Julie, it’s because of me. I don’t think I can handle doing the long distance—”

“It’s different now, Matt! I was stupid last year. I wouldn’t do that to you again!” she cried, her tone desperate.

I sighed. “What about Florida? I might never see you again.”

“Matt, I don’t know. That probably won’t even work out. My dad is probably going to disappear, again. Already there’s been fights, like they used to.”

She seemed pretty certain just a little while ago that they were moving south. Now she was bailing out on everything that was in my favor.

“Julie, I—”

“I can’t believe that you’re dumping me.” Suddenly she whirled on me. “Is it Heather?”

“Of course not! She has a boyfriend, you know that,” I said dismissively. “We just fish together sometimes. It’s nothing, all right? And can you keep your voice down, please?”

She ignored me. “Then why? Are you mad I didn’t let you have sex with me yesterday?”

I winced, wondering how much of this conversation Heather and her guy were hearing. It was getting dark, but I could still make them out leaning on the rail, surely within earshot of Julie’s crazy declamations.

“It’s not about the s—that. Really. It’s—”

“Because I thought I was making you happy. I thought that things were getting better. I was waiting for you, Matt, even though you’d never forgive me, but then you called, and you can’t know how that made me feel! Everything I wished I could’ve given you last year, I was ready to give it to you this time. And I thought you could see it, but all this time you were just leading me on?”

Julie was out of control, freaking out. I was taken aback at seeing this side of her. The desperation and anxiety in her demeanor were scary.

“I told you, I’m sorry about what happened,” she continued. “I was just confused! I didn’t tell you about Lara or John because I was afraid of losing you. You have to know that! You have to know that, Matt, please!”

“Julie—”

“And Brian was just—he was just a bad decision. I’ve learned from that! I thought you understood! You said you forgave me!”

I was tired of being cut off, and not really wanting to have Heather hear every intimate word Julie was saying. “I’m going to go home now,” I said calmly. Without further ado, I started walking toward shore.

“No, Matt, wait! I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” she cried. “Just talk to me! Tell me what’s wrong. We can fix it, whatever it is!”

“You’re not letting me talk—”

“I felt so close to you yesterday, at your house. Didn’t you feel it? It was like old times.”

I stopped walking as she caught up to me and yanked on my arm. Her face was half lit from the shore lights, shining brightly where tears had left their trails. My throat was a knot.

“Julie, it’s over,” I rasped. “Go home. We can talk when you’re more in control, but right now, you’re freaking out. I can’t talk to you this way. I just can’t. I’m done.”

My tone must have been heavy enough to penetrate her desperation, because she didn’t say anything further as I walked off down the pier. I didn’t have the heart to look back at her even once. About halfway home, I collapsed onto the sand and cried until twilight’s long tail turned to pitch.

“How are you taking it?” Heather asked.

“I’m all right. I actually feel like a huge weight is lifted off of me.”

“Mm. Julie didn’t take it very well, huh?”

I sniffed. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“We...” Heather hesitated.

“What?”

“We kind of heard her yelling.”

My heart sank. I tried to remember exactly what Julie had said. What part of her half of the conversation had Heather heard?

“We hung back when we saw you leaving,” she added. “Julie stayed in the gazebo for a while, before she went home.”

I was relieved to hear she didn’t do anything crazy.

“We followed her home, just in case,” she added.

I looked at Heather in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah, Bill was a little worried about her. He thought we should just make sure she got home all right.”

“That was nice of him.”

“Yeah, well, he has a soft spot for Julie. They used to go out, you know.”

I shook my head in wonder. Julie sure gets around!

“Great. So Bill probably hates me. First he finds out you and I fish together, and then he sees me dump his ex-girlfriend and just walk away.”

“Nah, Bill’s cool. He already knew we fished. He also knew about Julie and you, and the Brian thing.” Heather laughed lightly. “And, his breakup with her didn’t go much better, to be honest.”

It is a small town, I thought. I wasn’t sure if Heather’s words made me feel any better, but at least I knew some more to the story.

“So he knows we fish? He doesn’t care?” I grimaced.

“No, he hates fishing. If I have someone to fish with, then he’s happy because he can sleep in and not have to ‘touch the slimy suckers’, as he says. Not that he ever came out all that often.”

The realization that Heather had a boyfriend was growing. Spoken for indeed, and with a decent sounding guy no less. Hopes of stealing her away from him were vanishing quickly. Then I reminded myself that I hadn’t rejected Julie because of Heather. Stopping the relationship was the right thing to do regardless of where Heather stood.

I knew that for the moment she was out of reach. And Bill had given her his blessing to fish with me, which was more than most guys would’ve done. I needed to start there.

“Well, I’m going to fish,” I announced, clearing the mood. “I’m four in the hole.”

“Five,” she corrected, although her tone was gentle.

I laughed at my own attempt to steal a point back, but she still was watching me seriously.

“I’m fine, really,” I said, nodding.

Heather finally nodded back and then went about getting her line tied. “I was thinking,” she said casually, “that maybe your fish should count double.”

I smiled at her warmly. The playfulness was back in her voice and it was the sweetest balm for my troubles.

“Why double?”

“Because otherwise it’s no challenge for me. Heck, maybe it should be triple, even.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Oh really.”

“I mean, you have negative fish right now,” she explained. “You owe the sea a fish!”

I laughed. “Hey, it was just day one of the competition. I suffered a horrible penalty at the hands of the, um, impartial judges,” I sang dramatically.

“No one said life was fair. Tell you what, just because I’m so sweet, I’ll give you a pity point because of Julie.”

“Pity point? Whatever. I don’t need it. I’m going to beat you fair and square!”

And with that, a fish grabbed onto my line. Excitement surged through me as I reeled it up, but I kept that feeling from touching my face.

“Four-nothing,” I said, as evenly as I could.

“Six-six!” I whooped. “Still want to count mine double?”

Heather scrunched her face up, but said nothing. She couldn’t quite hide the smile, though. I was on my best behavior, avoiding anything that she could call a penalty, and it had paid off.

“What time do you have to go to work?”

“I’m not working today. Day off!”

“Oh! That’s nice.”

“Yeah. It is getting hot though,” she said, fanning herself with her free hand. “I have to admit, I’m surprised you’re back in it.”

“Better get used to it! This is my year.”

The look she gave me was dubiously amused.

I peeked into her bucket. “You want to come have breakfast at my house?” I asked suddenly, before thinking.

Heather’s eyes narrowed as she considered my words.

“I mean, you don’t have much in there,” I continued quickly, gesturing to her pail with my foot. “I can share some of my fish. My school of fish,” I added grandly.

Heather laughed. “You’re funny, Matt.”

“Well?”

She considered a moment longer. “Okay.”

I almost jumped in the air to pound the sky, but I managed to keep it to just a slight nod. “Cool. We should probably go and get the grill started, then.”