Chapter 9: Good Times, Bad Times

The rollercoaster emerged from the dark tunnel and started to climb up toward the next peak. Lara shrieked and tightened her death grip on my arm, as we swept up and around a bone-jarring curve. As my head bounced back and forth between the pads, I wondered why anyone rode these insane things. We actually paid money to get thrown around by a crazy machine?

When the ride finally ended, I felt as though I’d been put through a clothes dryer. Lara was wearing a large grin as we walked down the exit ramp. She grabbed my hand and started pulling me around the fencing toward the tail end of the long snake of people waiting to get on.

“Oh no, no way! I’m not going again,” I protested.

“Why not? That was awesome!”

“I’m not waiting in line for an hour, just to get beat up for one or two minutes. Besides, I feel a little uneasy right now.”

Lara pouted.

“Go ahead,” I said, “I’ll wait here for you.”

“No, that’ll take too long.”

“Tell you what. I’ll go look for my stomach, and then I’ll come back and meet you here. In like half an hour or so.”

Lara considered and then stepped into the line. “All right, see you later. Don’t ditch me, okay?”

I bought a Pepsi from a nearby food stand and found a seat at a picnic table. I sipped the drink slowly, trying to feel like I was on solid ground again. My stomach was definitely out of sorts.

We were at the park on a Recreational Department trip. The town organized a few trips a year to amusement parks, outdoor events, and ski resorts outside of the Catskills. High school kids could sign up and go for a reasonable fee. The chaperone was named Ray, a thirty-something camp-counselor type of guy. He generally left us alone after cracking a few stupid jokes on the first part of the bus ride. As long as we were at the exit by five o’clock, he was happy.

Every school in the Tri-State area must have scheduled their trip to Six Flags this same weekend. The place was mobbed with teenagers. If you didn’t have a meeting time planned, the chances of finding someone that you split from were zero.

“Hi, Matt.”

I looked up, surprised to see Carmen. Well, maybe the chances are not zero, I amended. She was one of the few freshmen besides Lara and me who came on the trip. I noticed that her two friends were sitting over on the edge of a large fountain, trying to pretend they weren’t watching the two of us.

I’d been somewhat worried about the situation with Carmen since my reconciliation talk with Lara. She was on my mental list of people to speak to and work things out with. I felt truly bad about how I’d treated her.

I didn’t know exactly how to broach it, though. I couldn’t just go up to her and say, “Sorry for being a dick and screwing you and taking your virginity when you were drunk.” But I had to say something to her. A few times during school, I’d actually approached her and we’d had a surprisingly friendly chat. It never seemed the right moment for serious talk, though. Maybe now was the time to apologize and restore some dignity. I had a half hour, after all. I took a deep breath and mustered up some courage.

“Hey.”

Apparently that was the best I could manage. I took a long sip of my drink, glancing around at the crowd.

“Can I sit?” she asked, after a moment.

“Sure.” I gestured vaguely at the bench across the table.

“Where’s Lara?” She came around and sat next to me, closer than I thought was necessary.

I indicated with a thumb. “On the coaster. We just went, but I didn’t think I could handle another ride so soon.”

“Yeah, we went on it a few times this morning. But the line is crazy, now!”

There was an awkward silence. Then we both spoke at once.

“Listen—”

“Can I—”

We stopped and looked at each other.

“Sorry, go ahead,” she said.

“No, you first.”

I wasn’t sure what was even going to come out of my mouth. I’d only formed the first few words of a sentence, hoping that the rest would come on the fly. Her interruption was merciful.

“I was going to say that you seem to be different these last few weeks.”

“How’s that?” I asked carefully.

“I don’t know, more relaxed.”

I shrugged. “I guess. School’s almost over.”

“Yeah, that’s cool. Just some finals in a few weeks, and then we’re done.”

“Yeah.”

She fidgeted for a moment as she looked at her distant friends, perhaps for some support. They were still watching us.

“I miss hanging out with you,” she said.

I felt my stomach twist, even though I wasn’t on the rollercoaster anymore. I hoped that she didn’t want to get back together. Although I did want to make peace with her, I did not want to be her boyfriend.

“Yeah, it’s been a while,” I said vaguely. I was determined not to let her get a handhold, so I spoke again when I saw her start to talk. It was time to drag that night out onto the table. “I was going to say, earlier, that I feel bad about what happened a few months ago, you know?”

“Oh, Matt, don’t feel bad,” she responded, instantly placing a hand on mine. “I mean, if you didn’t mean to do it, I understand.”

Wow, this might be easier than I thought.

“All right, but I guess I just want to apologize, also, for never talking to you about it.”

“Well, that’s kind of what breaking up means, right?” she said, laughing a little.

“Yeah, I guess. But I still could’ve talked to you about it.”

“Well, you can take it back if you want,” she said shyly.

Take it back? What is she talking about?

“Um, you can’t really take something like that back,” I said with a frown.

“Well, if you say you’re sorry about it, we can just pretend it never happened.”

She smiled at me sweetly. I considered this. Maybe denial was her way of dealing with it. I wasn’t sure if that was too healthy, but I didn’t really want to argue with her, since I didn’t have a better suggestion.

“Um ... I guess we can do that. If you feel comfortable with that. I am really sorry. I mean, I was a real asshole. I didn’t really consider how you’d feel. So, yeah, I am sorry. You just want to pretend it never happened though?”

“Yeah, let’s just forget about that bad time,” she said, slipping her hand through the crook of my elbow.

I looked at her fingers, curled around my forearm. Something was wrong here; she seemed really happy. Then again, maybe this had been weighing on her too. Perhaps having some closure was a huge relief.

“All right, let’s forget about it,” I agreed slowly.

“So are you meeting Lara soon, or do you want to go on a ride?”

“I’m meeting her in about twenty minutes.”

Carmen stood and pulled me up. “Come on, we’ll be back by then.”

“Where are we going?”

“Just to that ride there,” she pointed.

We got on a short line for an old ride. Neither of us spoke until we boarded. It was a floating boat that went through a house with strange mirrors and mildly scary scenes in different rooms.

“So does this go over a waterfall at the end, or what’s the point?” I asked as we moved slowly along the channel.

“I just thought it would be fun,” she said, as she put her hand on mine.

What the fuck is going on here? As we went through a few rooms, I wondered if Carmen had gone crazy. This is the worst ride ever!

The boat went into a very dark tunnel. Something loomed up right in front of me, making me duck back into my seat, startled. Before I could think, someone was on top of me. When the person started kissing me aggressively, I realized that it was Carmen. I struggled to push her off.

“What are you doing?” I blurted out.

“I—I just thought, you know, that ... since...” she stammered.

I was speechless. So just because we decided to forget we ever had sex, now she wanted to try again in this boat? She was frozen in place, sitting lightly on my thigh with a hand on my shoulder and a knee on the seat between my legs. My mouth moved soundlessly, as I tried to imagine what could possibly be the reason for me being in this ridiculous situation.

“Um, what are you doing?” I finally asked again.

“I’m sorry, Matt, I didn’t mean to rush things,” she said, her voice small.

Rush things? We weren’t going anywhere! I thought I’d made that clear when I broke up with her.

“Am I missing something here?” I asked.

“What do you mean? I thought that since things were going back to how they were, it would be okay to kiss you.”

Something was definitely wrong. My head was spinning in confusion.

“Um, going back to how they were?”

“I thought you just said a few minutes ago that we could forget about what happened. I told you that you could take back breaking up with me if you wanted.”

“What?” I exclaimed.

“Hello, Matt?” Her disembodied voice floated before me. “Were you not just talking to me outside? We had a talk on the picnic table?”

“You were talking about when I broke up with you?”

I could almost see the frown on her face. “What?”

“When you said take it back, you meant the breaking up part?” I pressed.

“Well, yeah? What were you talking about?”

Oh, shit.

The ride ended suddenly as we burst through a curtain into the bright unloading area. Some kids on the line pointed and laughed as they saw Carmen quickly climbing off of me. We collected ourselves and scrambled out of the boat, away from the stupid crowd watching us with stupid grins.

I walked around to the side of the ride, feeling ill. My stomach was really uneasy now. Carmen followed behind me. I sat on a concrete block, cradling my head in my hands.

“Matt, are you okay?”

I ignored her. Nothing’s ever easy, damn it! Carmen could’ve been clearer about what she was talking about. I was such an idiot for thinking she was talking about the sex, and to top it off, now I had to break up with her a second time! If there was ever an award for being an accidental asshole, I’d win it for sure.

“Matt?”

“Just give me a moment, all right?”

I stabbed wildly for something to tell Carmen. If I hadn’t been talking about the breaking up, then what? If I told her I thought she’d meant the sex, how insensitive would that be? But what else could I say? I finally stood up, avoiding her eyes.

“Carmen, look. I think you must’ve heard me wrong. I didn’t say things were going to go back to how they were before.”

“But you said—”

“I know what I said. I didn’t really know what you meant though. All I wanted was to say I’m sorry for the way I treated you. But I didn’t ... I’m not looking to be with anyone, right now.”

“You said we could go back to how things were,” she said, seemingly on the verge of tears.

“I don’t think I said that. Maybe you said that. I don’t remember. I still would like to be friends though,” I added, trying to soften the conversation. It didn’t work.

“You’re such a dick. I don’t even want to be friends with you!”

Carmen ran off before I could reply. I just watched as she melted into the happy crowd. I sat down again, trying to fight off the urge to throw up.

After some time, I remembered Lara. I hurried over to the roller coaster exit as best I could, but she was nowhere to be seen. My watch told me that it had been about forty-five minutes since she got on line. She was probably walking around, looking for me. Maybe she went on the ride again. Maybe she thought I ditched her.

I started searching the area anxiously, wading through throngs of people. My stomach still felt queasy, worried that I would run into Carmen again. After ten minutes of wandering the vicinity, I went back to the coaster exit, resigned to the fact that I’d probably be spending the rest of the afternoon alone. With nothing better to do, I decided to wait a little longer before moving off. Luckily I snagged a spot on a bench, or I probably would’ve fainted.

The last week had been satisfying. I’d worked things out with my mothers without having to divulge anything I didn’t want them to know. I had to admire their trust, considering how long I’d been out of sorts. But mostly they wanted Lara and me to have a healthy relationship with each other. The details they left up to us.

I wasn’t grounded anymore, so I was also playing music with the guys again. I was a bit rusty from a few months of not touching the guitar, but it was fun to jam again. We still hiked and hung out, too. I didn’t talk about my problems with them and they didn’t really ask. I didn’t go to any parties, however, in an effort to stay in control of my life. I vowed to take things slow. Again.

Lara and I were talking more, as well. I told her about my time with Carmen, and she told me more about her fling with Ronnie. It turned out she didn’t really like him after all. It also turned out that she didn’t have sex with him, a fact that surprised me. He was really pushing her to do it, but she’d been able to resist. I cringed when I thought of how I’d pushed Carmen for sex and actually gotten it. Did that make me more of an asshole than Lara’s ex-boyfriend, whom I pretty much hated? It wasn’t a comforting thought.

It seemed like everything was slowly getting back to normal. But then I went and fucked things up with Carmen! In order to get rid of that hollow feeling that still lived inside me, she was the last piece of the broken vase I had to glue back together.

Oh! Except for the giant hole that was Julie. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with her. Up until I found Heather’s note, I was ready to argue strongly against going to Montauk this summer. I thought I had at least a chance of convincing my parents not to take us there. I didn’t want to have to see Julie, and maybe they would understand and invite my aunt and uncle up to our house instead.

But after the camping trip discovery, I was having different feelings. I wanted to go back and try to see Heather again. I needed to tell her that I’d never seen her note until almost a year later. Or maybe I’d pretend I never saw it at all? And then what? I wasn’t sure, but I longed to hang out with her. Who knew what might happen this time?

A few days after we’d returned from the camping trip where I found her note, I called information and requested the phone number for Martin’s, her family’s fish shop. But I found that I couldn’t roust up the courage to call. She’d probably forgotten me, I figured. Every time I imagined phoning, an awkward and stupid conversation played out in my head. No, if I ever spoke to her again, it would have to be in person.

The urge to go to Montauk was back. Besides, I probably wouldn’t have to see Julie. I wasn’t sure if Lara would want to hang out with her, but I was pretty sure Lara would be respectful and not invite Julie over if I asked her not to.

“Are you ready, Matt?”

Thank god! Lara’s voice was a welcome balm. I turned to watch her skip down the walkway toward me.

“Are you feeling all right?” she asked. “You look green.”

I moved over and patted the bench corner. Lara squeezed onto it.

“Ran into Carmen.”

“Oh. Did you talk?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fucked up.”

“Really? Why?”

I summarized the conversation I had with Carmen and the subsequent haunted boat assault.

“So wait, she thought you wanted to get back together with her?” Lara asked.

“Apparently.”

“Did you agree to that?”

“Well, no, but ... I didn’t know we were talking about that! I thought I was apologizing for the night we had sex. So I don’t know what I agreed to, when you look at it from her side. For all I know I owe her money, too!”

“She’s so weird. Let me talk to her.”

“No, you don’t have to,” I said quickly. This was complicated enough, I knew.

“It’s fine. She needs some perspective adjustment.”

“Lara—”

“Hey, let me do this for you.”

I sighed. She seemed pretty set on it. “All right, just don’t tell her I was talking about the sex, okay? I mean, it seems really asshole-ish now.”

“Matt, don’t worry. I’ll handle it.”

“Thanks.”

“No prob. Now come on, let’s get wet!”

Lara pulled me up. I found that my stomach was already feeling better. We spent the rest of the day enjoying the water rides. Her enthusiasm for excitement was contagious and I ended up mostly forgetting about the run-in with Carmen.

Lara sat with Carmen for a part of the four-hour ride back home. Somehow, Lara managed to placate her. I didn’t know how and she didn’t really say, specifically. I decided not to press her, since she’d done me the favor. I owed Lara big time, again. Carmen even came up to me at school the next day and apologized for the park ride incident. I brushed her apology aside, telling her that it was my fault for not understanding her. The conversation quickly turned into an awkward self-blame exercise, so finally I suggested we forget about the amusement park episode and be friends. We both agreed to a fresh start.

Finals approached. I’d had my best year at school ever, oddly enough, and I was determined to finish on a high note. Apart from a few band rehearsals, I spent those last weeks of school reading and preparing for the tests.

One day after school, Melissa announced that we were going out to eat. She also said that we had some family business to talk about. I was a little nervous, wondering what that could mean.

“What do you think tonight is about?” I asked Lara as we walked back to the house after taking the trash out to the end of our long driveway.

“I don’t know. Probably something about this summer.”

“Mm. Do you know where we’re eating?”

“Probably the Red Sand.”

“Figures.”

“Well, it is their kind of place.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Lara gave me a patient smile. “You need to be more observant.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Lara went inside, smiling to herself. Seated at the Red Sand later that night, I decided to be more observant. Everything was normal, for a restaurant. I looked around for a while, wondering what Lara meant, but the only thing I could think of was that the food was good, and that my moms liked to eat good food.