Author's comment:

First, a little background for those of you who have only been reading my stories for the last couple of years. I started my "career" in 2005, using the pen name "Beating Off Bob." In November of 2007, for a variety of reasons, I retired that name and adopted the one I've been using ever since then. That, of course, is Robert Lubrican.

Both are odd names and it's a long story. Unless you're a philosopher it's not all that interesting, so let me go on.

Now I am generally a man of my word, and I know I said that Beating Off Bob retired when I changed my pen name to Lubrican. But the following material definitely came from the mind of Beating Off Bob, who still lurks around in the back of my skull somewhere. And because he so clearly took over while I wrote this, I decided to give him the credit and post it that way.

Finally, this tutorial is dedicated to George, who never feels bad about pointing out where I MAY have failed to clear the bar, so to speak ... on those incredibly rare occasions where I may, in fact, have grazed the bar. I know it's hard to believe, but I do make the odd mistake here and there. And George has pointed out enough of them that I thought others might learn from ... um ... well let's just call them my mistakes.

That way I won't get hate mail from a couple hundred other authors.

Bob

We start with a definition.

Squick: A term of the vernacular that is the opposite of "kink" when applied to reading erotica. A reader chooses the story based on his or her kink(s). The reader usually dumps the story based on a squick.

The word is commonly believed to have derived from the sound made by the tentacle of the giant squid as it slithers toward someone who is about to be sucked down into the depths to an unimaginably horrible and painful death. An alternative origin is that it combines the words "squeamish" and "sick" (as in ill). Example: "This story is making me squeamish and sick at my stomach. I think I'll quit reading it and go power vomit for a while instead."

Obviously, such people are wimps, with no backbone, but what can you say?

Now, just about anybody who's ever read a dirty story has said these words: "Sheeeeit, I could do better than that!" The vast majority of them say it out loud.

Now, lest you think I'm talking through my hat about this, let me tell you I have evidence that this is true. A LOT of people have written to me and said that in print, after saying it aloud at home while reading one of my stories.

So right off the bat let's get it straight that I'm an expert on writing really bad erotica. I have years of experience with the writing of bad erotica. I got all that experience after reading a ton of porn online and saying "Sheeeeit! I could do better than that!" So this isn't some lame info-mercial where I'm trying to get you to send me money for something you don't really need, or would use twice and then put on a shelf forever. Not at all.

With the very valuable information I am about to give you - absolutely free, by the way - you can begin a career that can last decades. And let's face it, folks. There is nothing more exciting than being on your death bed and being able to confess to the relatives gathered around that DaddyBigDick (or other pen name you think is even more clever and catchier than that one) ... is actually YOU! The silver lining of that little cloud is that you'll pick up an additional fifteen or twenty new readers after you croak. At least if you have a large family.

Now, if you've done any reading of any kind on the internet, (and you obviously have, since you're reading this, ) you've already realized there are hundreds of thousands of authors out there with minimal, if any talent. These are the people you're going to be competing with, and it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Well ... come to think of it ... in many cases it's a dog-eat-woman's-pussy world ... but you know what I mean. You're going to have to work really hard to be bad enough for people to actually take notice of you.

Ok, so the first thing you have to do is decide what genre you're going to produce bad erotic stories for. You need to be specific. You can't just decide you're a generic paraphiliac. Paraphilia is kind of the umbrella term that the non-perverts use. It means, basically, a psychosexual disorder in which sexual gratification is obtained through highly unusual practices that are harmful or humiliating to others or socially repugnant.

In other words, you're a pervert, and want to appeal to some kink.

Of course these kinks are not socially repugnant to you, but you know how dictionaries work ... you don't get to pick the words used in a definition. So don't get too wrapped around the axle at how the non-perverts see things. Vegetarianism is socially repugnant to some of us, and it's not really a "bad" thing at all, right?

The sky's the limit here, because there are a lot of sick fucks out there who like the most unbelievable kinds of themes. Take for instance the baby fuckers. These are the folks who like to read about adults fucking infants. The infant, even though she can't talk, somehow manages to seduce the adult and convince him that this is a delightful pastime ... never mind the practically arterial bleeding and lifelong physical trauma. Another really fucked up one is the cannibal kink. I once saw a story about a woman who, on her wedding night, was raped, tortured, gang-banged, had fourteen orgasms, ended up begging for it and then was cut up and eaten. And her groom had to watch! But they didn't kill him. They just ate his dick and balls. That's where they get their power from, you know.

But if you'd rather keep to something a little less adventurous, there are some tamer genres out there. Some examples are incest, first time, slut wife/wimp husband, BDSM (without the murder and all that stuff, ) young love, romance and so on. You probably already have your favorite, but by no means should you stick with that. The very worst erotica is written by people who've never engaged in whatever activity they're writing about, so you might want to branch out a little. For instance, one of the worst authors I know is a male who specializes in writing about lesbian experiences. I myself write extensively about pregnancy and trust me ... I've never been pregnant even once.

Now I must mention that there are two categories of erotica: fantasies and true stories. You can't really tell the difference if the writing is really bad. In both types the male will have a penis that is impossibly large. "As big around as a Coke can" is one of my favorite descriptions. And the women are always beautiful and have "massive" breasts. If, for some strange reason they don't have huge breasts, then their nipples are long enough and stiff enough to be used as pitons during an afternoon mountain climb.

Well, now that I've thought about it, perhaps we should restate the two categories of erotica. They are fictional ... and lies.

There. Now we can move on.

So ... what's the first thing you should do to begin writing really bad erotica? Well, a very wise man once said "There is nothing new under the sun." So let's start this way:

1. Pick a plot that's been done six hundred thousand times. Here are a few examples:

a. The UPS guy knocks, and wifey (just out of the shower, of course) answers the door in a robe that suddenly comes loose. Within two paragraphs they're fucking on the floor.

b. Young male is caught by his sister beating off. She's curious and has never seen anything like this. She demands to watch, and threatens to tell the parents if he doesn't let her. He demands that she do it too while she watches. They strip, get hot and bothered and within five paragraphs they're fucking on the bed.

c. Older male is caught by his daughter beating off. See 'b' above, except the threat is to tell wifey.

d. Older woman (mother or possibly librarian) catches younger male beating off. She then takes pity on him and, since he is obviously inexperienced, fucks his socks off. To move the plot forward she should masturbate him herself, preferably on the same page she catches him on. After that you can move more slowly as she continues his education, but within five pages it is mandatory that they be fucking like rabbits.

e. Wifey goes out with her friends on a special occasion to a strip club where there's a black dancer with a schlong that requires a crane to maneuver. Six paragraphs later they're fucking, either on stage, or in the dressing room.

f. A birthday party ... any birthday party. It doesn't matter whose birthday it is. All that matters is that they wanted sex from one of the relatives at the party. The phrase "This is what I really wanted for my birthday" has to be in there somewhere. If you want to be wild and crazy, you can substitute that phrase with "This is what I really wanted to give you for your birthday."

g. The camping trip, in any of its derivations. Mom is stuck in the woods with her horny sons, or Dad is stuck in the woods with his horny daughter and from one to five of her nubile friends. If it's an attempt to rip off the Girl Scout Nookie theme, you can have more girls. In the free-for-all version there are both parents, sons and daughters AND all their friends. The first sex must take place in a sleeping bag which is magically large enough for two, and if you want to keep the reader's attention, it should be the first night.

h. The lonely bride. On her perfect day the groom gets trashed and can't perform his sexual duties on the wedding night. Enter father-in-law, best man, brother, father, or a black bellboy with a schlong the size of New Hampshire, who then does what the groom should be doing. It's optional as to whether to have her beg for it, or resist ineffectually until she realizes she loves this strange dick in her. She's always unprotected and fertile, since they planned the whole wedding around her getting pregnant on the first night. This is a story in the 'slow' genre, meaning you can go four or five pages until the sex acts start taking place.

i. The friend who steals your wife. Must be told from the husband's point of view. He describes how his best friend seduces his wife, usually while hubby is sleeping or pretending to sleep in the same room. The wife resists, of course, but once she sees his friend's horse cock dragging the floor, can't resist just a little taste. She becomes enslaved immediately, naturally, and lets the friend have her any time he feels like it. The narrator almost always tries to fuck her afterwards, but feels like he's trying to put his dick in a fifty-five gallon barrel. If you want a blockbuster, have the friend seduce his daughter(s) too. This is also a slow type story, meaning no sex for the first dozen paragraphs.

j. The friend in need. Happy couple is unhappy because hubby can't get her pregnant. So they call in a friend to do what hubby isn't man enough to do. There may not be any selection process other than the husband, who is always ecstatic with the idea of some other dude impregnating his wife, saying something like "How about Steve? You've always thought he was hot." There are two versions of this theme. In one hubby watches and is the cheerleader. In the other he doesn't watch, but listens in to the sounds of wifey being unimaginably satisfied. In that one she uses phrases like "You're so much bigger than wimpy," or "Wimpy never made me feel this wonderful!" In either case, the friend ends up with wifey because he's a real man. And, in either case, the woman must be having an orgasm and not quite getting pregnant yet within the fourth paragraph after she meets the future father of her child. This can be a very long story if it takes a few months for Studly to knock her up and has to fuck her every day and in every room of the house.

k. The just-plain-slut wife. This is a woman - any woman - who for totally inexplicable reasons cannot do without some man's dick other than her husband's. The only variety allowed in a story like this is whose dick she can't do without. If you want to torture the reader you can have her resist her urges for a few pages, but once she gives in there must be a minimum of two sex acts per page for the rest of the story. The only suspense allowed is whether hubby will catch her in the act or not.

l. The vacation gone wrong. In this one the happy couple goes off to some island somewhere, where the plan is to relax and have a great time. This one allows for a lot of creativity in terms of copying the way wifey gets seduced by the bell boy, or bartender, or random stranger, almost always a native, and who is there only because he spends all his days seducing white female tourists. Usually hubby is either tricked into going fishing, or doing something else which requires him to leave wifey behind because she wouldn't be interested in doing it with him, even though they're on vacation together. So she's bored and an easy mark for the semi-professional, usually black employee of the resort who offers free massages, or scuba lessons or whatever. Like I said, you can be really creative, just like the half million other people were when they wrote this story. The only real requirement here is that wifey gets addicted to her new plaything and uses it to get her pregnant before she leaves.

j. The breakdown or hitchhiker scenario. The car breaks down. Either there's nobody around for miles and the woman has to hitchhike, or somebody shows up to "help" her. In either case, she has to pay with sex, because that's all she has with her of a semi monetary nature. An alternate version of this is where she walks to a house to use the phone and ends up staying the night in the house which, of course, contains at least five horny men who all get a shot at her. Bad weather is a common excuse for the having to stay all night thing.

k. The work slut, who can be either male or female. It doesn't matter what sex they are, because the boss will be the opposite sex. The employee, who is always gloriously happily married, and has never cheated on anybody, is put in a position of fear for his or her job. Then the boss says "We're going to fuck or you're fired." This is NOT a slow type story. In fact, the work slut doesn't even have to be actually hired yet when he or she is first fucked. It can be part of the interview process. The boss says something like "I need a secretary who speaks English, and has massive tits like yours and a mouth that will hold my coke can sized prick while I cum buckets. You really need this job. I can tell. So strip, baby and let's see if you qualify for the position." After that, of course, the work slut gets fucked every day, especially at parties, where the spouse is also present.

l. The pedophile, or Lolita plot, where the otherwise perfectly normal man finds pre-pubescent girls, with no tits at all and skinned knees and such, to be incredibly attractive. They find him attractive too, as demonstrated by the eight-to-eleven year olds who prance around in high heels and see through nightgowns they get from Tarts 'R' Us or someplace like that. These girls may not have a single female attribute, but they have women's intuition, because they not only know all about sex, but they're craving to have it with this comparative geezer. After they get porked by grandpa, then they can have sex with all the boys in the neighborhood, especially the high school seniors who live on the wrong side of the tracks. In the blockbuster version the first girl is so ecstatic about having an adult prick in her little girl pussy that she brings all her little friends over and gets them broken in too.

m. And, I'll cut this off with the time honored home invasion theme, where Bubba and Jake break into the house and, instead of just stealing stuff, they spend the night (and the next couple of days if you're REALLY bad at this) making daddy fuck his daughter, and raping mommy while daddy is tied to a chair with toothpicks holding his eyes open so he has to watch. Brother has to fuck both mom and sis. You can really spice this up by having junior have a bigger schlong than dad which, of course, mom gets addicted to. I was thinking about using this plot one one time where right in the middle of getting her ashes hauled, mom blurts out that her baby boy's huge willy must be the result of the fact that Uncle Bud is actually his father, and everybody knows how well hung Uncle Bud is.

Now don't you go and steal that idea.

These are but a few of the worn out plot ideas that have been done so many times you couldn't possibly come up with a fresh take on them. That's what you're looking for - something that you can pretend you're going to do "much better" than eleventy-nine other people have already done. A few people wanted me to us the NIS theme in this section, but that would be disrespectful to a time-honored and popular erotic theme that could ALWAYS use another story about Jack and Jill, Naked In School because the Government wants them that way.

Come to think of it, with the Democrats in charge now ... it could happen! It would be part of the green movement, to cut down on the energy used to make, and launder clothes. You could opt out, but there would be a tax for that. After all it's just another attempt to save the planet. And in the spirit of bipartisan politics, it wouldn't be called NAKED in school. It would be called GREEN in school.

No! Wait! You could call it Cape and Trade. You buy the right to cape your body. If you want to go nude you trade your right to wear clothing to whoever can pay for it. And just like Cap and Trade in the energy industry penalizes the poor people in this country, Cape and Trade in the GIS program would penalize the ugly people, who would HAVE to pay more to cover up their ugliness or suffer being laughed out of school.

But I digress. This is supposed to be about BAD erotica, and that's a whale of a good idea.

Don't go and steal that one either, OK?

2. OK, so you've decided what to write about. Next, you need to make it as difficult to read as possible. I'll break this down into sections.

Paragraphs: A good start is not to use paragraphs at all. Just write and let the computer wrap things around. You'll get done eventually, and can put "The End" on its own line.

If you're trying to be high brow about it, you can just write reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy long paragraphs. Try to change locations in the story within the same paragraph as the previous location, if possible. That's confusing as hell, just like that last sentence was. See how this works?

If you accidentally write paragraphs of reasonable length, you can undo that by leaving out blank lines between them. Try not to indent if you do that. It has the same effect as one long paragraph if you do it right.

Characters: Your stories have to have characters, but don't make the mistake of making any of them interesting enough to take attention away from the sex. I mean the only reason people read this stuff (erotica) is for the sex, right? After all, YOUR rendering of the sex act can't help but be completely unique and fascinating to those who have read about every possible type of sex act ten or twenty thousand times already.

Now, just like plots, it's really easy to use the same characters over and over again. All you do is change the name from one story to the next. All young girls should be impossibly innocent, never having heard of semen or sperm ... sorry, I mean cum ... in her life. If you live in one of those states that has a law about how any female character that's exposed to sexual behavior has to be eighteen for the story to be legal, that's OK. Don't worry about it. Your eighteen year olds can just act like eleven year olds and it will still work out fine. Part of reading fiction is what they call "suspending your disbelief." That's fancy talk for "That couldn't happen in a million years, but I'm going to believe it's possible anyway." You do that all the time when you watch a movie like "Die Hard With A Vengeance." Bruce never runs out of bullets and things that would kill any ordinary man just make him bleed a little. I love that movie because I get to suspend my disbelief so much.

What I'm saying is that the readers will suspend their disbelief so the women in your story can be like they're supposed to be.

So all your female characters need to be the kind who say "What's that white stuff coming out of your pee pee? Is it the stuff that makes babies?" or something like that, OK? At least at first. Once they become nymphomaniacs (see fifth paragraph down from here) then their legs should spring apart at the drop of a hat and they must be willing to share the guy with twelve of their friends.

Try not to mix types here, because it's confusing to the reader. If your main female character is a cheating wife, then she needs to share him with twelve other cheating wives. If she's a virgin cheerleader, then he needs to pop the cherries of the whole squad. And if you're so stubborn as to have one cheerleader who had had sex before, or one wife who has cheated before, then you have to have them be eager for him be the first one to fuck their assholes.

The females should also instinctively crave sucking a twelve inch cock and be able to become expert at it, including deep throating, within two paragraphs of first parting their tender lips above the apple sized ruby red tip of his massive cock.

I threw in a little colorful language there, which I really shouldn't have to mention. It's instinct for all authors to use it.

Oh yeah, the women all have to swallow and compare it to something yummy, like Tapioca pudding, or banana cream pie or whatever.

Now, as for your male characters, who of course have twelve inch cocks, they must be suave and debonair. For you southern authors that's what you pronounce as swave and de-boner. But the male's primary talent is the ability to bust a cherry, causing agonizing screeches of pain which are replaced almost instantly by hip-humping, lust-crazed nymphomania because of his astounding skill at fucking.

It's important for your men to be manly men, which means no pansy ass tenderness on their part. They should only refer to the women as bitches and sluts, since all women crave to be addressed that way. It really turns them on when a man disrespects them completely. That's probably where water sports and scat comes from too, but I'm not sure. I've never been actually able to find anybody who would admit they like being pissed and shit upon. That's an interesting way to meet people, by the way. Just carry around a clipboard and pencil. If you can borrow some glasses and a bow tie it's even better. Then just walk up to people and say "I'm doing a survey for the Sexualogical Institute of Common Kinks. Do you like your partner to shit and piss on you during sex?" Try to look really interested. You might make some new friends. I almost guarantee you that if you approach a couple this way, the male will be into sadism, and he'll demonstrate how much he loves his kink. It can be very educational. You need good health insurance before you do this, though.

Another thing about the men that's absolutely required is that they be able to get another boner almost immediately after squirting through their first one. If you really want the ladies to flock to your story, have him squirt and not even go soft at all before he squirts again. And if you want a blockbuster, have all your men under the age of forty take Viagra before they fuck, so that it will stay hard for twenty-four hours. I know Viagra doesn't work like that, but your younger readers ... the ones under forty who don't need Viagra ... won't know the difference. And if some jerk tells them it's not true, they'll just suspend their disbelief. Who knows, they might even go find some on the black market to see if it really works.

Not quite as important, but also required, is that when the men cum, they be able to fill one of those half pint milk cartons like they have in the school cafeteria. Not that they're going to squirt in a milk carton, of course. It just has to be that much, and delivered in fifteen or twenty strong spurts that the woman can feel "bursting against her cervix." One of my personal favorites is to have the guy stick his cock through her cervix, and squirt right inside the womb, which I'm told is physically impossible, but this is fiction anyway so suspend your fucking disbelief, OK? It's a hot idea, and that's what erotica is all about.

OK, it's not so hot an idea to the ladies, who say the pain of that would be similar to a birth contraction, but I'm writing for all those horny guys out there anyway. Mostly. I love you ladies too. That's why I give all the male characters twelve inch cocks.

If you're writing a story with the slow code in it, then the women can play hard to get for between ten and twenty paragraphs. I wouldn't go longer than that before she gets naked and begs to be fucked by a twelve inch cock, or you might lose the reader. If you want a REALLY slow story, you'll have to fill in all those uninteresting paragraphs with really snappy dialog, which will be covered in the next section of this tutorial. Suffice it to say that erotica is all about sexual action, and I mean constant sexual action. You need to mirror what real life is actually supposed to be like, which means that your characters should be having sex at least half a dozen times a day.

If half a dozen times a day every day of the week seems the tiniest bit excessive, then you can back off to only four times a day, but compensate by giving him the stamina of a porn star. If you've ever watched a porn video, we all know the guy can fuck for at least an hour before he feels the urge to cum, so have your men do that. They can fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and change positions and fuck and fuck and and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck fuck and change positions again and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck some more. That's REALLY interesting to all the readers. I bet you're hard right now just from reading that. Or wet. You didn't think I'd forget you bitches out there, did you?

Lastly, don't be afraid to challenge your readers a bit on the mental gymnastics front. If your main male protagonist starts out named Roger, change it to Ralph about halfway through and use that for a few pages. Then go back to Roger. It just cracks me up when I imagine how the reader has to go back and read something a dozen times to try to figure out what the fuck just happened, and who the hell Ralph is. If you don't want to change the women's names, just change the color of her nipples, or make her have a big nasty bush in one place, after she was shaved clean in another place. You won't get bored and neither will your readers.

You get the most interesting feedback too.

Vocabulary: One of the best ways to write really bad erotica is to restrict your vocabulary as much as possible. If the only way you refer to a female's genitalia is "cunt" then you don't have to remember how to spell vagina. And that's a hoity-toity term anyway, just like "penis" is. Cocks and cunts are words that are unambiguous, which everybody understands. And if it ain't broke, then why fix it?

Now it IS true that tens of thousands of readers find the term "cunt" distasteful, and would prefer to think of the cunt you're writing about as a "pussy" or "slit" or some other word that doesn't make them think of something really skanky ... but who cares? We're writing bad erotica here, not literature, right? On the other hand, if you want to display the fact that you're erudite, you can toss in the occasional "gash", "snatch" or "hatchet wound" just to keep the same tone without being boring.

Whatever you do, stay away from anything approaching technical terms such as vagina, penis, testicles, pudendum, labia majora and the like. Everybody will think you're a doctor who's writing porn on the side. They'll be giggling so hard they won't be able to beat off while they read your masterpiece. If you doubt me, just walk up to an average person and say the word "Vagina" to them. They'll blush and get all giggly, I promise. As a matter of fact, you can combine that with the question about water sports and scat during your interviews with strangers. You have a brilliant opening, and break the ice right away. It might go like this. "Hello. Vagina." (Leave some time for giggling here.) "So tell me, how much fun is it for you when this big lug here shits and pisses on you during sex?"

It is imperative that your descriptions of certain things involve the kind of detail that prove you're an aficionado of things sexual. For example, everybody knows that if you ask a woman what size her bust is (sorry ... what size her tits are) that she'll invariably answer with a number and letter. "I'm a 36C cup," she might say. So you can't just say she had 36 inch tits. That's not enough information. The reader knows the difference to the millimeter between a 36 C cup and a 36 DD cup, and you want that image firm in his or her mind. So you can't say she had nice full breasts that looked heavy. You have to say she was endowed with a pair of 38 DD knockers, and that if she went braless it looked like there was a pair of marmosets in her shirt trying to eat their way out. That's classy.