Chapter 1

Jana came in and sat down at the table across from me. I was nursing my first coffee of the day. It had been a sleepless night for me. Again, last night was a night without sex. Was I going to get an apology this time or a defiant explanation?

Jana and I had been married three years, come this Saturday. The first two years had been wonderful. It was all that a happy married life could be. That ceased when I suggested that we should start having a family. No way was that going to happen according to her. Jana Burns had come from a large family--seven siblings to be exact, of which she was the youngest. It was a very poor family and Jana had been the one on the end of the line that wore the worn out hand-me-downs. Not only that, but by this time her mother was worn out too. Her older sisters and brothers left the nest as soon as possible, leaving her to take care of the house, two older brothers, a sick mother and a father that had decided to drown his troubles in beer and wine.

At sixteen she ran away but was returned by social services. In a way that was the saving of her, for she realized that if she was ever going to escape, she was going to need an education. So she worked and studied hard and graduated from high school near the top of her class. She had never been on a date. First of all because there was never the time and second because she didn't have the clothes. All of her schoolmates considered her an angry loner and not worth the effort to get to know the true person within.

She found work in the local grocery chain and applied herself. Most of her money went for food for her family. Relief came when her mother died of pneumonia and her father was killed in a bar fight a month later. The two brothers wanted her to continue to care for them. Neither one was ambitious and never contributed to the household. The evening that they approached her, she agreed to think it over. The answer of course was to pack what few personal items she could lay claim to and walk out the door while they were sleeping.

Me, well in some ways my life paralleled hers, but only in the fact that I came from a large family. My family was a loving one and everyone worked. Even though funds were always short, we made do and saw that what little we had was shared. Jana and I met when I sat down beside her on a bus we were riding. Both of us were shy at first, but as the miles piled up behind us we started to talk. "My name is Jana Burns."

"Mine is Rick Brooks. Where are you headed?"

"I don't know, really. I handed the agent $95 and asked for a ticket to as far as that would take me. He said it was a little town in Idaho. If I wanted a bigger place, I should get off in Boise."

"I'm heading to Boise to live with my sister and her family. You and I will be together that far. I have a job there in my brother-in-law Sam's construction company." Slowly Jana's life story came out. It was sad for me to listen to it. Mine had been so happy, and hers was filled with heartbreak. I was almost twenty and Jana was about the same age. She stepped down with me at the bus station for a minute. I was waiting for my sister Ann, who was meeting me.

We were talking with our heads close together and I didn't see my sister as she came up to me. She overheard me say to Jana that I hoped her life would be better in the future than it had been in the past. Ann poked me in the ribs to get my attention.

I turned and she was in my arms. We kissed and hugged for it had been two years since I had seen her. I think Jana was shocked for my sister and I kissed on the lips. Our family had always been demonstrative and this was the way we were raised. Ann stood back so I could look at her. I walked around her. "Well, your butt has gotten bigger since I saw you last and the way your tummy sticks out, it looks like you and Sam have been having fun again. You keep filling those jugs with milk every other year and they will be hanging down to your knees. God Sis, it's good to see you." I reached over and rubbed her tummy. "About four more months, right? Have you told Mom yet?"

"No, I wanted to surprise you so I haven't. I'm going to call her tonight and tell her about it and that you got here all right. Who's your friend?"

"This is Jana. We were seatmates most of the way here. She's looking for work here in the city or in the next town. Jana, this is my favorite sister, Ann."

"Hi Ann."

"Do you have a place to stay tonight?" Jana shook her head. "Why don't you come and have supper with us? You can even stay the night if you want. That is if Rick doesn't mind sleeping on the couch."

"Oh I couldn't."

I spoke. "Sure you can. You can see just what kind of crazy family I have. It'll be fun." Filled with uncertainty, Jana acquiesced and retrieved her bag from the bus just as it was getting ready to leave.

It was a couple of miles before we reached Sam's construction office. "This is where I will be working," I explained to Jana. He was off at a job site somewhere, so we continued on to the Becket home.

We met the neighbor lady who had been watching my niece and two nephews while Ann picked me up. "Ann, you got some crazy kids there." She was smiling when she said this. "They were all good, though. I wish mine minded like yours do. Lucky you." When I went in the three little ones landed on me. The youngest boy at two and a half, Tim, had been suckling at Ann's breast when I had last seen him. Didn't matter for he piled on me with Tom, four, and Phyllis, aged eight.

They wrestled me to the floor and I tickled them while they screamed. When it got too loud Ann said, "Stop." The kids immediately got up and sat on the couch. Jana was introduced. The boys were quiet, but Philly went and spoke very formally about how pleased she was to meet a friend of Uncle Rick's.

Jana was there for the night and then for the week and then for the month. Six months later I made her my wife. We started married life in a construction trailer parked behind Sam and Ann's house, spending much of our time with them at the house. When we had been married for a year, we purchased a small house in one of the developments that was springing up. Sam Becket had the contract for building all of them at this particular location.

I started thinking family now that we were finally living away from my sister. I was lonely and missed the camaraderie that I had with Sam, four kids and Ann. Jana didn't overtly put it off, just asking to wait for awhile. Loving Jana as I did, I agreed to accept it for a time, but made sure that we talked about having a family every month or so. To stop my insistence she said okay and said she had stopped taking precautions. This made almost every night a happy night for me. It seemed to be for Jana also, for our times in bed were sweet, although she was somewhat reserved.

Months went by and Jana never became pregnant. One morning early, I needed to use her car, so went to her handbag for keys. As I was short of time I felt around in it and couldn't feel keys so I dumped it on the kitchen table. Out tumbled two prescriptions for birth control pills. I stared at them. They were filled recently and overlapped so she would be sure not to run out. I took the keys and went to work, leaving the jumble of contents from her bag just as I had dumped it.

I walked in the house that evening and Jana was at the table with the contents of her bag just as I had left it. "You know now why I'm not pregnant, don't you? I'm sorry Rick."

"Just tell me why you are so dead set against starting a family."

"I have bad genes. Look at where I come from. I love you and we have a good sex life."

"I wish we had this conversation before I asked you to marry me. I feel as if I have been had. Sex is good, but I must confess it takes a lot to get you to relax and enjoy it."

"I know Rick, and I'm sorry. I just love you so much. You have a large family, why can't that be enough? You have dozens of nieces and nephews."

"Would you consider adoption?"

"No, that would be worse. Who knows what genes they would have? They might even have some of my own and I wouldn't know it. Maybe we should divorce."

"You know my thoughts about divorce and you knew them before we married. No!"

"So what can we do? Can't we just go on like we have been?"

"I don't know. I'll try. We have both lost the trust and honesty I thought we had." Jana put her head down and tears puddled on the table. I had never been more disappointed than I was right now.

Ann immediately knew that something was wrong when we went for our weekly get-together. After supper that night, I took Jana home and returned and discussed it with my sister. Ann partially took Jana's side, which surprised me. "Rick, giving birth is a fearful thing, if that is her problem. I don't believe in her fear of bad genes. Your kids are what you make of them. Maybe that is her problem."

"What should I do then? I wanted a family much like you have."

"Well don't do anything drastic without thinking it through. I have never seen a person love another like she does you."

"I'm terribly disappointed, but I will see if I can get over it."

"That would be best."

When I got home to Jana she asked, "Did your family trash me?"

"No, in fact Ann can see your side of some of it. Your excuse about genes she doesn't believe, for she says your kids are what you make them. Are you that afraid of having a baby?"

"I can't answer that. Just the thought of it and I'm petrified. You want me to get pregnant just to see what it is going to do to me?"

Jana was staring at me with a fearful look, waiting for my answer. "No I won't do that to you." I pulled her to her feet and hugged her. Our tears mingled and we shortly made our way to bed. Tonight I didn't attempt to make love.

A week went by. "Jana, would you do one thing for me?"

"Anything, you know that. Well, except, you know. What is it?"

"Would you go with me to a doctor and find out if you are unable to have a child? If he tells me there might be any danger to you, I can accept that. I mean you are tall and very slim, so it is a possibility. Most people think the ideal woman has a fat ass and big boobs." This brought the first smile from my wife since last week. Thin shanks and pancakes were a more apt description of my wife.

My suggestion only made our problem worse. The doctor's report said that Jana had an ideal wide pelvic childbearing region and her breasts would fill adequately with milk, although they would shrink down again.

A week later I was sitting down nursing my first coffee of the morning when Jana came in and sat across from me. No sex last night as was usual now. She appeared ready to say something. I wondered if it would be another apology or some defiant words about it. I had to face the fact it was her body and she should not have to have a baby if she didn't want one.

"Rick, I've decided that you and I should separate if you don't want to consider a divorce. My beliefs are as strong as ever and I'm sure yours are too. We are tearing each other up. I think you love me as much as I love you. You feel I put one over on you about my not wanting children. I honestly thought I would get over my fears, but as you know, they have grown stronger.

"With my problem, you know I am always going to be faithful to you. I will not hold you to the same standard. It wouldn't be fair. If you find someone you can have sex or love without being married to, I give you my permission. This way you may be able to have a somewhat normal life. I have the separation papers all made out. You only have to sign them."

"Is this what you honestly want?"

"No, of course not. I want things back the way they were before you found my birth control pills. I can see you feel there is no use to make love to me if there is no possible way I can get pregnant. I guess we can't go back. You have been cheated long enough." It was a long frustrating month before I gave up and signed the separation papers.

Jana was prepared to move out, but I convinced her that it should be me. I could find a place to settle into much easier than her. Finances weren't much of a stumbling block as we were only separating. Both of us were working, she in a large convenience store and if I left working for Sam, I could find another position easily enough. I promised I would send half the mortgage to Jana. I left her our car and bought a fifty-dollar-junker-pickup from Sam's construction.

I turned east with a few hundred bucks in my pocket and no destination. I thought back. This was the same position as Jana was in when I first met her. I ended up the first day in a coal mining town in Wyoming. A new strip mine had just been opened and workers were pouring in. I knew there would be jobs everywhere, some in my line of work. It might not pay as well as working in the mine, but would be a lot more comfortable. I had a job with a construction company and was working before noon the next day. Quarters were at a premium, but I managed to find a room five miles out of town. The house was owned by a widow of forty and money was very tight. She had two young daughters, thirteen and fifteen.

I was soon taking my meals and spending evenings helping with homework, etc. The mother, Velma, had been beautiful at one time, but widowhood and the cares of raising two children had beat her down. I had been there about a year when one evening after the girls had gone to bed she knocked on my door. "Rick, would you come out and let me ask you something?"

"Sure, I'll be right out." I went out and followed Velma into the living room.

"Rick, I have a problem. I've known you for a year and there isn't anyone I trust more than you with my daughters. Sandy has just turned sixteen and is beginning to be a handful with boys and all. Katie is fourteen and is growing up almost as fast as Sandy. They listen to you more than to me sometimes." She paused before continuing, "There is no easy way to tell you my problem. I only have a few months to live. The girls don't know it yet and I haven't figured out how to tell them. If you would become their guardian, it would give them something to hang onto instead of feeling they were all alone in the world.

"I don't have any close relatives and all of my husband's family are dead as far as I know. I need a guardian for the girls. I've talked to an attorney and he says this can be done without too much trouble. You talk a lot about your wife and I know you are not together. Is there any reason why a court would stop your guardianship from being put in place? I mean what is the difficulty between you and your wife?" I knew she wasn't prying for herself, but for her daughters. "If this is too personal or painful, I'm sorry."

"No, under the circumstances, I'll explain. My wife and I still love each other very much. She has a phobia about being pregnant and having a baby. She is wonderful with my sister's bunch of four. I don't believe in divorce, so that is why we are apart. I can't sleep with her every night, have sex with her and know it won't produce any children. It is a catch twenty-two."

Velma looked at me as if I was crazy. "And I suppose after she is beyond childbearing age, you won't sleep with her for the same reason? You're a fool Rick unless you really don't love her?" Again this was a question.

I bowed my head. This is something I hadn't thought about. It came to me with a rush what a damned conceited fool I was. Jana had an honest problem that terrified her and I was thinking only of myself. "Velma, as far as being a guardian to Sandy and Katie are concerned, it will be an honor to look after them. Also you have opened my eyes to what an ass I have been to my wife. It is late, but I think I will call her right now."

"Hello. It's late."

"Jana, it's me. I'm calling to tell you I love you. Do you still love me?"

"Yes Rick, I still love you. Why are you calling tonight? Are you in trouble?"

"No, but a friend of mine is. I'd like to help her out, but I would need your cooperation."

Jana didn't say anything for a minute. "I suspect it is something to do with a child, knowing your fixation about having kids." This crushed me. Jana hadn't got beyond our original problem at all.

"Would you let me tell you about the problem before you put up objections?"

"I guess. Go ahead."

"Okay, but first let me tell you how much I have missed you. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about you. I've puzzled every day how we could resolve our differences. That said, I moved into an extra room that a widow had for rent. She needed the money and I needed a place to live. She informed me tonight that she has absolutely no family except her two daughters, whom I have become almost a father figure to. She found out today that she has inoperable cancer. She has asked me to be their guardian until they become of age."