Chapter 7 - Saturday

The Lamborghini Murciélago LP 670-4 was Eddie's favorite. The fact that it had a six hundred sixty horsepower V12 engine with a six-speed transmission and a top speed of two hundred thirteen miles per hour meant very little to him. It could go from zero to a hundred miles per hour in six point eight seconds, but he didn't care about that either. He did notice that his top speed would drop if he used the optional Aeropack wing, but he used it anyway because of the extra traction he got for cornering. He could take a sharp turn at over seventy miles per hour without flipping over with the wing, and that made all the difference. But the thing that he really liked about the car was the fact that it looked so cool.

He threw the car into fifth gear and floored the gas, pushing the car up to a hundred sixty miles per hour. He dodged a few cars, saw the corner coming, and let go of the gas. With a well practiced maneuver, he spun the wheel and hit the left brake, fishtailing the sharp corner with precision. He downshifted to third gear and floored, pushing the car up to a hundred before going to fourth gear.

James came down the stairs, still a little groggy from sleep in his t-shirt and sweat pants, and watched his son sitting in the living room expertly threading a four hundred fifty thousand dollar virtual car through city streets. He sat down on the floor next to him and watched as the car leaped and danced through the crowded city streets with the simplest flicks of his thumbs.

"Man. Hard to believe what video games can do nowadays."

The Lamborghini hit a ramp and became airborne for five point seven seconds, and landed without a scratch. Completely unrealistic, but fun.

"You know, my first computer had ... eight colors.", said his father.

Oh god, here he goes again.

"Let's see ... it was, black, green, violet, white ... black, blue, orange, and white. Yep. Eight colors. With two blacks and two whites."

Eddie sighed as he fishtailed expertly though another corner.

"And the maximum graphic resolution was two hundred ninety by one hundred ninety two. You've got more resolution there in your dashboard than I had in my whole screen."

He tried to ignore his father.

"But I loved that computer. It took me so far away ... I sailed the seas of Britannia, and took the Moon Gates to the dawn of time and the formation of Pangaea. I did the leap of faith as the Prince of Persia. I traveled through time and space ... Never quite managed to figure out how to get the Babel fish out of the vending machine though."

Eddie rolled his eyes, and continued driving.

"It's a great way to escape. Just takes your mind off all your problems to go off and explore new lands, fight monsters, and collect treasures ... Of course I suppose driving around in circles at two hundred miles per hour works well as an escape too."

They sat in silence for a moment as Eddie slipped the Lamborghini through a tight S-curve. His father just sat and watched.

"You know, when you're old enough to learn how to drive, I'm going to have to teach you how to drive a stick-shift. There's something about a stick-shift that teaches you far more than just how to drive a car."

Oh please. Give me a break!

"I mean, as soon as you get in the car, the first thing you notice is that it has three pedals and you have two feet. So you immediately feel inadequate to the task."

Would you please just leave me ALONE?

"And on the surface, it sounds simple. The clutch just simply disconnects the engine from the wheels, so you can safely switch gears. But it's much more than that. Not only are you now responsible for figuring out which gear ratio you need for any situation, but every car has its own particular feel, you know? Every clutch catches at a different point. Every engine has its own unique performance. Every set of brakes has its own behavior. And when you first start driving a stick-shift, you don't know these thresholds. The car ... jerks back and forth violently. It fights you, because you have no idea how to treat it."

Eddie felt strange about what his father just said. It resonated. What was he getting at?

"But it just takes some practice until you find all the sweet spots, to find the way the car wants to be driven. And THAT car...", he said, pointing to the screen. "That car, you've obviously found the sweet spots on that car. But in real life, when a car throws you, it can hurt. I mean, when a two hundred horse power engine bucks you, you can go flying."

Is he done yet?

His father sat quiet for a moment. 'Maybe he's done.', Eddie thought. "Maybe I can get back to... '

"You know, the weird thing is..."

Oh god...

" ... about driving a stick-shift? It's the perfect analogy for understanding teenage angst. The trouble is you suddenly have this ten thousand horse power emotional engine, and no driving manual, and no experience. And you don't know where the sweet spots are. And so when you try to engage your feelings, you get thrown, and it hurts."

Eddie bit his lip.

"Of course the awful thing is, you tend to go through a few years of teenage angst long before you get behind the wheel of a stick-shift car. So it's a total waste of a good analogy. Teenage angst prepares you for driving a stick-shift, but that's not the thing that we all need the most help on. We all really need to learn how to drive a stick-shift when we are, oh, ten years old, so the lessons come in early before teenage angst hits."

He paused.

"So I guess that only leaves me with one question.", his father said. "Just what color brick would you drop if I asked you who she is?"

The Lamborghini Murciélago LP 670-4 slowed to a crawl. Eddie paused the game. His whole body had gone cold, and he stared at the floor nervously.

"I mean, are we talking solid gold? Platinum? Or just your garden-variety stainless steel?"

"How...", Eddie started. " ... how did you..."

"OH come on! You've been walking around this house with a shit-eating grin on your face all week, and don't think for a moment that I don't know that grin. I've had it myself." He leaned against the couch and looked into the distance. He sighed. "Catherine Hartman. Oh, she was beautiful. Long blond hair, big beautiful blue eyes ... INCREDIBLE body!" He grinned and inhaled. "I can still taste her strawberry lip gloss." He enjoyed the memory, and looked at his son. "So yes, I know that something wonderful happened to you this week. Just as I know something terrible happened to you yesterday. You want to talk about it?"

Eddie couldn't face his father. He continued to stare at the floor. It would be so easy to tell him. So easy to hurt her back. But after all that happened, he still didn't want to hurt her. He shook his head.

"Are you going to tell me about her?"

He shook his head again.

"It IS a girl, isn't it? Or is it a boy?"

Eddie's head snapped up. "No!"

"Cause if it's a boy, that's perfectly fine."

"No! It's ... it's a girl."

"I mean, I don't have much experience in that, but I'm sure a lot of the same principles apply. But I would have to ask your Uncle Jack to come in and help me with this."

Eddie smiled for the first time that morning. "No, she's ... she's a girl."

James nodded. "Girl parts and everything?"

He nodded, smiling.

"You checked?"

He grinned and nodded, and then suddenly realized what that implied. He stopped grinning, and looked at the floor nervously.

"You two get into a big fight yesterday?"

He inhaled shakily and nodded.

"How bad? Did she break up with you?"

He blinked and swallowed again. He nodded.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. It didn't make any sense."

"It never does, and it may not be as bad as it appears right now."

"No.", he said shaking his head.

His father nodded. "Okay." He thought for a moment, and took a deep breath. "There are ... two roles I need to play here. I am your dad, and I am also your father. Now, as your dad, I am here to help you, empathize with you, guide you, encourage you, and give you advice. And I understand a LOT of what you are going through."

Eddie shook his head. There was no way his dad could know what he was really going through.

James smiled. "You know, as a teenager, you're at that stage when you want to assert your independence. You want to go out and define yourself, show that you are different from everyone else, show that your experiences are unique ... So the absolute LAST thing any teenager wants to hear from an adult is 'Oh yeah! I know EXACTLY what you are going through! Because I went through the EXACT same thing when I was your age.' And every teenager thinks 'How could you possibly know what I'm going through?' But we do."

He continued. "And because I have gone through this, I know how strong the feelings are. I know that the feelings are tremendous, and difficult to control, and you need time to get used to them, and I won't push you. And I will respect your privacy. And I want you to know that I am here to help you."

He paused for a moment. "But ... as your FATHER, I am responsible for your health and safety, so there are a few things I absolutely must know. So I am going to ask you a few direct questions, and you will answer them, and you will not get in trouble for anything you say. Understand?"

Eddie nodded.

"Are you having sex?"

Eddie swallowed, and nodded.

"Are you using condoms?"

He shook his head nervously.

James sighed. "Are you experiencing any pain, burning, or itching on your penis? Any sores?"

He shook his head.

"Okay. Still, first thing on Monday I'm taking you to the doctor for a full checkup."

"Dad, I'm okay."

"I'm sure you are, but I'm not taking any chances. Have you been ejaculating inside her?"

He swallowed nervously, and nodded.

"Does she use birth control? Is she on the pill?"

Eddie thought about it. The situation was more complex than he wanted to admit. It wasn't just Marie. There were now four women he had been with. Marie hadn't told him if she was on the pill, but he always assumed it. Sybil had her tubes tied and with Karen he used a condom, and Donna ... he knew nothing. "I ... I think ... I don't know."

"We're buying her a home pregnancy test. And I don't care what state your relationship is in right now, you will deliver it to her. And if you can't, I will. Understand?"

He nodded.

"It doesn't matter how bad things are between you right now. If she is pregnant, that trumps everything."

Eddie nodded.

James thought for a moment. Then he stood up. "Stay here. I'll be right back." And he went upstairs. Eddie sat in silence, waiting nervously. How long had he known? What all does he know? He should get rid of Donna's bra as soon as possible.

His father came downstairs about a minute later carrying a small box, and went into the kitchen. A moment later he came out with, of all things, a banana. He stopped in the foyer and looked at something on the table. He picked up an envelope, looked at it for a moment, and took it with him.

He sat back down in front of Eddie. He could now see that the box was a pack of condoms. He had no idea his father even had condoms. His dad took one out and handed it to Eddie. "Here.", he said, and he held up the banana in an erect position. "Show me that you know how to put on a condom. They covered this in health class, right?"

Eddie nodded, and he looked at the condom. He had never opened one before, and he turned it over in his hands, looking for a way to open it. How the hell did Sybil do it? He tried to tear it open, but couldn't find a good spot, so he went to bite down on one corner to rip it open.

"No! No! No! ... Don't bite. You could bite through the condom, and then it'll be useless. There's a break in the package. Look for it."

He found it, and tore it open. He took the condom out. Then he looked at the banana. So did his father. Eddie studied the size of the fairly large banana and did a mental comparison. His father appeared to be doing the same. It was an awkward moment.

"This...", his father started. " ... this is not to scale.", he said grinning. Eddie smiled back and chuckled. "This is what we call in the advertising business ... a 'suggested serving size.'"

Eddie laughed. "Go ahead.", urged his father. Eddie put the rolled up condom on top of the banana.

"Okay, stop right there. You have the condom upside down. You want to see the rolled up edge on top. Now, if this were not an actual banana, and you were in this state, there would be fluid leaking out the top, and even though that fluid has some sperm in it, those sperm are not viable. But the germs in there are just as potent, so the condom would be useless and you would have to throw out this one and get a new one. You can't just wipe it clean. So in normal circumstances you would have to just get a new condom. But in this case, it's just a banana, and it's not going anywhere special, so just turn it over."

Eddie turned the condom right-side up and rolled it down the banana.

"Very good! Now we have a banana ready for some action!" His father smiled. "Now, you'll find that these things tend to stay on with little trouble, as long as you're ... well ... interested in what you're doing." They both chuckled over that. "But after you are done, after you ejaculate, you'll find that they slip off very easily. And usually you will be inside her at the time, so when you pull out of her, you will have to hold the condom here, at the end..." And his held the bottom of the condom against the banana. " ... and THEN pull out. Okay?"

Eddie nodded.

James handed his son the package of condoms. "Okay. These are yours. And I want you to promise me that from now on, you will always use condoms. Every time! Understand?"

Eddie nodded.

"And before you run out of these, I want you to ask me to buy you some more. I want you to always feel comfortable asking me to buy you more condoms. Okay?"

He hesitatingly nodded. He didn't feel comfortable doing that.

"When you ask me to buy you condoms, I want you to know that I am not disappointed or angry with you for having sex so early. Instead, I will be PROUD of you for being responsible. Understand?"

That helped. He nodded again.

"Good. Now, the first time you ask is going to be the most awkward, so let's get it out of the way right now. Ask me."

Eddie blushed. "Aw, Dad ... Come on..."

"Go ahead. Ask me!"

He inhaled and sighed. "Dad ... Can you buy me some condoms?"

His father beamed. "Yes! I will. Very good! Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

He smiled, and shook his head.

"Good. Now ... Father stuff is out of the way ... You want to talk about it?"

Eddie held his head in his hands. "I don't know ... I just..." He still didn't want his father to know about her, but it was too late. He knew there was a girl, and eventually he would have to know everything about her. But he couldn't tell him who she was, or how old she was, or what she had done in her life. He couldn't even tell him what had happened yesterday.

" ... I don't even know what happened!"

"Of course you don't know what happened. You never do. That's the way it always works."

He peered at his father through his fingers. "Huh?"

"The argument is always the same. It's only the details that are different. But the woman gets mad, and the man has no idea what he did wrong."

Eddie blinked. James sighed, and continued. "See, this is the problem with sex education nowadays. It really doesn't get into the big differences between men and women."

"Dad, I know the differences between men and women..."

"I'm not talking indoor versus outdoor plumbing! No, I'm talking wiring! Look, come here. Let me explain this to you." Still sitting on the floor, he turned to his son and gestured. Eddie scooted over and sat in front of him. James reached out and placed his hands on top of his son's head.

"THIS...", he said in is best Walter Cronkite voice, " ... IS THE HUMAN BRAIN!"

Eddie laughed.

"Okay. The brain is divided into various parts, but we are most interested in three areas: Left brain, right brain, and whatever the hell they call that part that connects the two. We'll call it mid-brain." He tapped his hands on Eddie's head as he listed the parts. "Now the left brain, this handles logic. This handles language, math, space, physics, geometry ... things that follow well defined rules that are orderly and consistent and well-behaved. Symbols and rules and heuristics and things like that. Most importantly, this side of the brain comes up with all the words we use, and we tend to think and process information in words.

"Now the right side, this is all the mushy stuff. Feelings, emotions, facial recognition, purpose, love, hate, fear, confidence, attraction, repulsion ... How do I feel about her? How does she feel about me? This is all the social and emotional stuff."

He paused, and continued. "One would think that the left side...", and he tapped Eddie's head on the left side, " ... is the male side, and the right side...", he tapped the right side, " ... is the female side, but that's not the case. Men and women both have equal abilities in developing and processing information in either side of the brain. But there is a tendency to think that because of the difference in here..." And he tapped the center of Eddie's head. " ... in the connection between the two halves."

Eddie frowned.

"You see, in men, the connection is very much like ... two tin cans connected with a piece of string. It's very primitive, inefficient, thick, very muffled, and hard to push information through. When we have a feeling, it starts here, in the right brain, and then it pushes slowly through the middle brain to reach the left brain, which is where we have all of our words. So in men, it takes a particular effort to attach words to our feelings. And because we tend to think and formulate thoughts in words, thinking about our feelings requires an extra effort.

"Now in women, they don't have two tin cans and a piece of string. No, women have this broadband fiber-optic network with multiple redundancy routers, and I swear a few of these routers are wireless because so often women are mind-readers." Eddie smiled and laughed at this. "So when a woman has a feeling, BAM! She can immediately attach a word to it, far faster than any man can. They immediately and instinctively know what and how they feel about anything. Big or little! This is why they attach feelings and emotional reactions to stupid mundane things like color coordination. It's easy for them. This is why a woman can get away with saying something ridiculous like... 'I'm not angry. I'm upset!' They can immediately see the difference between these things."

"This is the reason why men tend to specialize in the left-brain skills. It's the easiest set of subjects that we can talk about, because it takes us no effort at all to attach words to left-brain thoughts. All the math and spacial and logic stuff is sitting right there next to the words. And women tend to develop the right-brain skills fairly easily, for the same reason that a dog licks his balls, because they CAN."

James paused. "The worst part is, women do not understand how difficult it is for us men to understand our own feelings. They expect us to be just as insightful, just as knowledgeable, just as familiar with our emotions as they are with theirs. And it's unfair to us. So what always happens is, in any relationship, a man will do something that he cannot immediately see to be hurtful to the woman, but she will immediately see it. She will expect the man to immediately understand the problem, and from her point of view the problem is so obvious that it is obvious that he DOES understand the problem, and obviously is behaving badly because he is vindictive or selfish or intentionally hurtful, because there is no way he could possibly be that stupid to not understand what is going on. Well, this is where she is wrong. We CAN be that stupid." They both laughed at that. "Compared to women, we have a mental deficiency. It takes us much more time to process emotional information. They need to understand this just as much as we need to take that time to figure things out."

"Your grandfather used to say this all in six words. 'Men are stupid. Women are insane.'" Eddie chuckled over this. "And that's how it feels sometimes. All too often in these arguments, the man will be plodding along trying to pick up whatever information he can, while the woman will be so far ahead of him that she can't understand what is taking him so long, and then she'll start going into this detailed analysis of what he's REALLY thinking, and why he's REALLY holding back, and this is where the insanity comes in. Now she starts projecting her own fears into his thinking, and it just confuses him and it cycles and feeds on itself ... When this simple truth is men have this thick piece of brain we're trying to push a feeling through in order to even attach a word to it."

James thought for a moment and looked down at the envelope he brought with him. He picked it up. "I was ... going to show you this under different circumstances, but now is a good time. Let me give you a practical example. I'm going to show you something and ask you two questions: a left brain question and a right-brain question. Ready?"

Eddie nodded. James pulled something out of the envelope and showed it to him. Eddie's heart caught as he saw the object.

"Left-brain question. What is this?"

"That's Mom's wedding ring.", he said quietly.

"Right-brain question. Now that you know she has returned this to me, how does it make you feel?"

"Umm..."

"Let me rephrase the question. Did you feel something?"

Eddie nodded. "Yes."

"What did you feel?"

"Uhh..."

James smiled. "Congratulations. You're male. You felt something, but it takes a moment for the feeling to pass through the mid-brain before you can..."

"Sad.", Eddie finally said.

" ... even attach a word to it."

James watched his son for a moment. "Does that help?"

Eddie smiled. "A little. I still don't know what happened."

"Give it some time. And think about things from her point of view ... You sure you don't want to tell me who she is?"

Eddie nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure. But thanks, Dad."

James nodded. "I would really like to meet her, but I will respect your privacy now. But always remember that I'm here for you, okay?"

Eddie continued to just sit and think quietly. James watched for a moment. Then he got up. "Well ... I've got stuff to do. Aside from a well-protected banana, we have no food in the house. So I have to go grocery shopping, then get the oil changed, and go to the dry cleaners ... hardware store ... Busy day. You want to tag along?"

Eddie grimaced.

"Thought so." James looked at the ring in his hand, and then his own wedding ring which he still wore. "I suppose it's time to take this off now.", he said, pulling his own ring off his finger. He stood and looked at the rings in his hand and sighed. "I don't know what to do with these. Part of me wants to keep them. I still love her, but it will just hurt too much to see them ... Do you want them?"

Eddie shook his head. "No."

James nodded, and sighed. "Well, I don't know ... I should get rid of them as soon as possible then ... There wouldn't happen to be an active volcano around here I could throw them in?"

Eddie chuckled slightly. They both were big fans of The Lord of the Rings. "No, I don't think so."

"Yeah, I thought so." James started walking away. "Well, maybe I can pawn them."

A thought clicked in Eddie's mind. His head snapped up. "Pawn?", he asked.

"Yeah ... I figure someone else might get some happiness from these." And his father walked into the kitchen.

"Pawn...", Eddie said to himself.

Thoughts started to fall together. Images assembled in his mind. Words echoed in his consciousness.

You have a daughter at home ... You said you knew what she was doing with that peasant ... I thought you knew. That's my mom ... I've never seen her this happy before ... If that is the way you feel about me ... I want you to stop seeing her ... She just quit everything, holed herself up in her house and just hid ... You were so fucking observant that day ... You have no idea what I'm capable of ... The more I think about things, the more I mess things up ... Sometimes there is a huge price I didn't expect ... From one actor to another, great performance...

Disjointed pieces connected. Things started to make sense.

"Oh my god...", Eddie whispered to himself. "I know what she's doing."

It was 11:45 in the morning, and Eddie was standing in front of her garage door, waiting apprehensively. He had been there for about half an hour, thinking and rehearsing what he was going to say, when he finally heard movements coming from inside her garage.

The electric motor rattled, and the garage door started its slow methodical opening. Now was the moment. He took a final swig from his water bottle, put it on the ground, and waited for the door to open high enough for him to see her feet as she walked around her car.

"Marie!", he called out.

He saw her feet stop the moment he called her name. He waited, and the door finally lifted up until he could see her face.

Marie glared at him. His heart caught in his chest.

"I'm not talking to you!", she snapped at him.

"Fine. You're listening then."

"I have to get to work.", she said coldly and headed for her car. "Get out of my way."

"Your cousin showed up at the library today."

She stopped.

"He told your boss that you weren't coming in today. And he gave her a pretty convincing and plausible excuse too ... But I'm not telling you what it was. It could have been that you were too sick, or your car wouldn't start, or you had to wait for repairmen to come to your house, or you had to leave town for an emergency ... Whatever it was, if you go in, you're going to have to explain how it got resolved so quickly without knowing what it was, or explain why this strange kid who was unrelated to you lied to them. So you're staying home today ... Whether you spend the day with me or spend it alone crying in your room is up to you. Either way, I've done you a favor."

She stared at him, and waited. Eddie took a step closer.

"You hurt me.", he accused. "You hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me, even more than when my own mother walked out on us. And I did not deserve what you did to me ... And you know I didn't deserve it."

She stared at him, motionless and unmoved.

"What you did should by all rights be unforgivable.", he continued. "But then, that was the whole point, wasn't it?"

Her eyes widened.

"But that doesn't matter now, because I figured out what you've been doing. That's right ... I figured you out ... Again."

Her mouth dropped open.

He took another step forward. "Yeah. I remember it now. I had figured it out two days ago, and you knew. But luckily for you I fell unconscious and forgot. You got a little reprieve, and you knew you had to work fast."

He took a deep breath. "You see, it really bothered me. Why would I barge into your house like I did? That's not like me. What was I talking about before I collapsed? Well I remember now."

He took another step closer. "It started the moment I saw this car in your driveway. That meant one thing to me; You had brought another woman in to meet me. And I got angry. I told you I didn't want you to bring in more women. And I barged into your house and took one look at this woman, this beautiful blond big-titted woman, just the type you were looking for, the type I would like, and my first thought was 'Well, she's too old to have a younger sister my age, but I bet she has a daughter at home.'

"And that's what I said to her. 'You have a daughter at home.' But when your mom told me what I said, she paraphrased it, and said that I said you were home. She thought I was talking about you, but that wasn't possible. I had no idea who she was.

"And that's the moment when I put it all together. First it was Sybil, who just happens to have a younger daughter who is eighteen. Then you tried to bring in Crystal, who just happens to have a sixteen year old sister. Then it was this new woman...

"YOU WERE PAWNING ME OFF!", he yelled.

Marie dropped her eyes in shame. Her lip shook.

Eddie continued. "All this time you were trying to push me away, into the arms of another girl. A girl who was young enough so it would be legal. Because that's what this is all about, isn't it? It's the thing that we're not talking about. Age of consent and statutory rape. I'm fourteen and you're twenty four. And in the state of Virginia that's illegal. Age of consent here is eighteen. And it's statutory rape if you are over three years older than me. And if you get caught? Ten years in prison! Permanent labeling as a sex offender! And the moment the press takes one look at you and your breasts, your picture is on the front page of every paper in the country. Humiliation on a national scale!"