Chapter 2

"Gordon, this is your biological father. I was married to him when you were conceived. I had some issues and I asked him for a divorce. This was before I was aware I was pregnant with you. He never knew about you until your father went looking for him a few days ago. I was very immature at the time, so don't blame him for anything. Someday I will tell you all of how it happened. Your dad has found him and it looks like he is here to save you."

The testing for a match seemed to take forever. It was eleven that evening before we had a conference with the doctor, the surgeon and the hospital staff. Myself, George, Gina and Cheryl were in the conference room with all of the others that would be doing the transplant of the organ. We were given all of the warnings of the dangers and worst case scenarios, both for the donor and the recipient. The surgeon had booked the operating room for ten, tomorrow morning.

We hadn't been told yet who the doctors preferred the donor to be, so Cheryl and I assumed we both had been approved. Speaking to the two of us he said, "I saved this explanation for last because this is a momentous decision for whichever one of you is the donor. The outcome for the boy is of course important, but for the donor it may be even more so. This, which ever one it is, will affect your lifestyle as long as you live. You will have to live and work more cautiously, always being aware that if you damage your remaining kidney, that in itself is a death sentence."

The doctor was reading from a report he had in his hand. "Gordon Benson and his daughter, Cheryl. Both kidneys for donation are viable. The one from the older man is slightly less viable than the younger woman. This is strictly an age issue, because it just has been used more. It is however in excellent shape because his alcohol use has been minimal. You two will have to make the decision. I will leave you alone for five minutes. I don't want to hurry you, but you should be ready to go to bed. The sooner the better. We will give you a sedative so that you can really rest for your operation tomorrow."

I said, "My wife and Cheryl's mother will be here early tomorrow morning. Will that be too late to decide which one of us will donate?"

"No, not too late if she is here by nine." The doctor assigned Cheryl and I the same room and we soon were asleep.

At six we were awake and talking back and forth from different sides of the room. Cheryl said, "Maybe we should just flip a coin."

That moment I made up my mind. What was I thinking? I wasn't going to let my little girl do this. "Cheryl honey, you can relax. I've decided I'm not going to wait for your mom. This is my son and it is my place to save him if I can. Besides I think all of those warnings the doctors gave us are outside the laws of possibility." I rang for the nurse and told her I would be the one going to donate a kidney.

"What was your impression of my ex-wife, Gina?"

"I can't figure her out. You are doing her a favor and still she acts strange toward you. You are going to have to talk with her and find out what the problem is."

"Right up until I received the divorce and even long after, I thought we had the perfect marriage. I still don't know why she left. George says when she confessed to him what she did to me, she was cheating on me even before that night. I still find that hard to believe. Before I go home, you can bet I will know. It has been twenty-five years, it is time to find out what went wrong." I was pleased I could talk to my daughter about something like this.

Everything went as planned. The operation on both Gordon and myself was successful. When I became conscious in the recovery room, Kim, Jimmy and Cheryl were with me. I asked about Gordon and was told he was in ICU. The doctors said I was fine and barring complications I would be out of the hospital in two days. I would feel some discomfort and pain but otherwise I was just fine. I was soon moved into a private room.

Kim had been introduced to Gina and they had bonded (whatever that meant) or maybe I was the common bond. My family was all going to stay at Gina and George's house for the duration of the recovery period. Gordon's betrothed popped in and thanked me for saving her love. George came by and thanked me with tears in his eyes. Gina hadn't come in and it was time for everyone to leave for the night. I thought, "Oh well, I saw her yesterday. Once in twenty-five years will have to do." I would like to talk to her, though. She had caused me untold pain when we divorced and I still didn't know why.

After I was alone the door swung open and there she was. She breezed in and came over and kissed me just like she used to. "Do you remember the first kiss you earned? I made you wait a whole year for it. This one you earned with interest." She kissed me again. "That's for saving my son. Technically he is yours, but I never think of him as yours. He is George's and mine. In a lot of ways he is like you, only different. That's good I think."

"Gina, for God's sake tell me what happened between us. I worshipped the ground you walked on. I was working so hard to make you happy. George said you had cheated even before that night when it all went to hell. At first I thought it was all my fault, but the more I know, you were just a cheating wife with no respect for me or our marriage. Then suddenly you were gone."

"Oh, Gordy, all those things you say are true, absolutely. First let me tell you why I left. I did that to save myself. It was selfish, I know, and then I had to find a way to hurt you the least. The why? I was spiraling down and couldn't stop. I was bored and I was looking for excitement. I found it the nights I went out with the girls. We'd find some beer and tell each other stories a lot of times about our sex life. Mine was dullsville compared to theirs. Nobody but you ever touched my boobs or pinched my ass.

"I know that is just the way it is supposed to be. My job sucked and my love life sucked and my home life was boring, because you were working so hard to give me what you thought I needed.

"Admit it, you had me up high on a pedestal for eight years. Not only that, you were always saving me and protecting me and I guess I resented it a little. We were a couple, always a couple. I was proud when you did things for me, but having placed me that high on a pedestal, I never had a chance to find out if someone else could do as well as you. When I found that someone excited me more than you did, I fell and I fell all the way.

"When I came out of the bedroom and saw you up that morning, I knew the only way to save myself was to leave. If I didn't, I would be living down on Clark Street and you would have had to leave town because your trashy wife was still around. I wasn't aware of all of this then and it took years to figure out. I just hope you haven't placed your lovely wife Kim up on that damned pedestal. If you have, you're going to lose her just like you did me.

"Take the chains off if Kim loves you, she'll keep the bonds loose enough so you never have to lose respect for her. But think about it tonight. I've had twenty years to figure it out. You may only have a couple of years at most until she spirals downward and it is getting too late in your lives to start over and be happy again with someone else. I'll be in tomorrow night and this time I will let you say something. Good night, you're still the best if you would only get rid of that damned pedestal." She was gone again!

That night I had the dream with my little coupe. First time in a long time and I wasn't alone either. The only problem, first it was Kim and then it was Gina--and when I woke I couldn't tell who had been with me.

I didn't go back to sleep after the dream. I went over everything that Gina had said. I agreed on most of the points she made, but hated to think that I didn't realize what was happening and let it all slip away. I had only myself to blame.

Then I set about doing an assessment of my life with Kim. What Gina said really worried me. God if I lost my second wife for the same reasons as I had the first, I was the world's biggest dumb-ass! I wasn't a very inspired lover, I knew that and according to Gina I was damned boring. I was red from embarrassment just thinking of it. I always kept myself away from house parties where any grab-ass was going to take place. I was protecting my wife, or so I thought. Instead, maybe I was just adding to her boring old life with me. Come to think of it, we were never invited back to any of the pool parties in the neighborhood, even if we had been invited once. I didn't mind, but maybe Kim did.

Then I got angry with what Gina had said. Damn it! She said the same words at our wedding ceremony as I did. I was working to give us both a better life. Gina could have said how she felt and how our marriage was in trouble. Not once did she ever say that. She laid the blame on me then and she still was. She was even upset about me being here to save her kid from death. Did she think I was trying to make her beholden to me by saving him? Damn her, she was blaming me for her own guilt, not mine, in putting her on that damned pedestal she kept bringing up.

I'll bet right now she was filling Kim's head full of the bullshit she spouted off at me. Well we would see about that. I would talk all this over with Kim. Maybe Gina did have some valid points, but it was about open lines of communication, not pedestals. What is wrong in believing the best of your mate? Then another thought came to me. What was this about my mother paying for the divorce. The more I thought about it, Mother had not taken Gina's side when I told her that my wife wanted a divorce.

I had been through an ordeal today and was beginning to get sleepy again. Screw her!

Clear liquids was still all I had for breakfast, but I was up and walking around. The first question to the nurses was, "How is Gordon and my missing kidney doing in its new body?" I got an answer right away.

"He is doing remarkably well and would you like to visit him?" I wanted to very much.

Gordon's color had improved and he only had my implanted kidney in him a few hours. He was tickled to see me, and thanked me all over the place, especially wanting me to know how wonderful his girl thought I was.

The doctor was making his rounds and said he was very pleased at the outcome of the transplant. He told Gordon that he was better off now with a good kidney and a partial then I was with only one kidney. Gordon was to be monitored for the next two weeks and then periodically thereafter for organ rejection. The match was so close though, he didn't anticipate any problems.

I spent the day in Gordon's room. He wanted me to meet all of his father's family. This included the aunt and uncle of Gina's. Gordon was bursting with pride. Hey, he had a sister that would have donated her kidney if his father couldn't have, and he had a little brother too. George, his dad came in for praise for tracking us down so we could help him survive.

George told me in a spare moment that Gordon was more animated and more like himself since before his accident happened. Gina tried not to show it, but she was a little put out by the attention generated by Gordon's new family. If Gina came in tonight like she said she was going to, I was likely to hear about it.

Noon time Kim and my two kids went back to my room with me, where lunch was served for all of us. I laid down and soon slipped into a doze. I must have slept for an hour or more when I realized that my ex-wife and George were being discussed. It seemed to be the consensus among us that George was an all right guy. Cheryl thought Gina was beautiful and had beautiful clothes. Jimmy piped up, "Clothes make the man." Cheryl laughed and said, "That's not right and besides Gina's not a man. Hadn't you noticed?"

That shut Jimmy up and he soon said he was going back to Gordon's room. Cheryl said to Kim, "You know Gina asked me something funny. She asked me if I had sex yet. I told her no. What business of hers is it anyway? I wonder why she asked me that?"

Kim I think, was trying to find an answer in her mind why Gina would ask a teenager she didn't know a question like that. "I get the impression that Gina has a bad case of guilt about how she treated your father. She will be glad when we go back east because your dad is just as good as he ever was, and she is looking for a chink in his perfect life. She could have had him still, but she threw him away for a little excitement. It is too bad, for your dad loved her deeply."

"Do you think Dad still loves her? Do you worry about it? She is beautiful."

"Oh, he probably does a little. More the person she was, than the one she became. Do I worry about her? No, definitely not and I'll tell you why. She is married to George and your father has a very strict sense of right and wrong. It wouldn't be right in his mind. She could be naked and inviting him into her bed and I know he would turn away from her."

"Mom, what do you think of your new stepson? I can imagine dad being just like that at his age."

"Gordy was just like that. He is the same age as when I married your father. Your father was more mature, because he was in the army overseas. But this Gordon will get there, especially with George to guide him. I'll bet for all of Gina's promises to George, he has some problems keeping her in line. Too bad too, but she gave him Gordon and that is what counts with him."

Hey this eavesdropping was great. I was learning so much of how my family felt about a lot of things. There was more. "So Cheryl what you told Gina about not having sex, was that true?"

"Mostly, and I'm still technically a virgin, but I've done a whole lot of fooling around. I just haven't met the one I want to give it up to. Were you a virgin when you married Dad?"

"When I met him I was, but when we married I wasn't. I'm not going to say one way or the other about how you should deal with the issue. That's up to you. If you need help getting birth control though, I'm here for you."

"Thanks Mom, you're the greatest."

I hoped I could be as free and open with Jimmy about this subject. I put it on my "to do" list when we got home. I heard Cheryl leave. Kim said, "You can open your eyes now. How much did you hear?"

"Everything since Jimmy left. Boy you women get right to it don't you?"

"Is there anything you disagree with while you were so busy listening in?"

"No you got it right I think, especially about Gina. She has a lot of guilt and she is trying to lay it on me. She's not going to cause us any trouble if I can help it. Gina has been talking about what problems we are going to have when both kids are off to school. Something about 'Empty Nest Syndrome.' She must have read that in a book somewhere."

My last night in the hospital when all of the visitors had gone home, Gina showed up as promised. She came in and I met her standing this time. We naturally went into each other's arms and hugged. The kiss was a little more intimate than it should have been, but it was what seemed natural.

"God Gordy, that was nice. Kim is a lucky person. It makes me wish I hadn't fallen off that pedestal."

"Gina, I wanted to talk to you about that. You accused me of chaining you on top of a pedestal and you fell off. Some of that is not true. Okay the pedestal part maybe, but damn it, you broke the chains and jumped off, you didn't fall off, and you took our marriage down with you. It is about time you faced that fact.

"For years I was so happy about that last night. You came back to show how much you cared about me and loved me. That wasn't it, was it? You just came back to give me a 'pity fuck' didn't you?"

My speaking to her like this was a shock and she didn't know what to make of it. "You are trying to say this was my fault, and are laying the blame on me now. Well I would have taken the blame once and I did take it for awhile. All you really are trying to do is excuse the guilt you feel for yourself. I will give you credit in figuring out how to stop before you damaged your reputation. What you were doing was bound to get worse if you stayed in town and with me. You didn't care about what you were doing to me. You say you had twenty-five years to figure out this pedestal shit, but I'm not buying it.

"You have to remember that I have had twenty-five years to think about this too. You piled up guilt for busting up our marriage and now you want to transfer that guilt to me. You took the same marriage vows I did and we know who broke them. Accept that you were the only one at fault and then come to me and ask me to forgive you. You knew me twenty-five years ago and you know what I would have done back then. Now you will have to trust that there is enough of that man to forgive you now. Until then, let's talk about something else."

I guess the night nurse heard us, because she cautiously came into the room. "You will have to be a little more quiet, please. Can I get you a coffee or juice?"

I looked at Gina and she shook her head. "A coffee would go fine if you think my one kidney can stand it."

The nurse said she would check to see if it was on my diet.

Gina's face had turned red and then pale when I mentioned my kidney. She must have remembered how she had resented me for coming to donate my kidney to her dying son.

Half and half coffee was all I could have the nurse informed me as she set it down. I slowly sipped it and watched Gina sort out what I had said. This was a new me and a new way of talking to her that she didn't know.

"You've turned hard, Gordy. You were never like this before."

"No, I'm the same, but it's time to square things between us. You told me how you saw things from your perspective last night and told me to think about it. I thought about it a lot and I just told you how I see things from my angle. I'm hoping there is some way we can come together on this.

"You know my kids think it the most wonderful thing that their Daddy has a brother for them. One that looks just like he did when he was young. They also think that it was the greatest thing for his father to come hunting for me and then begging me to save their brother's life.

"The jury is still out on you, but it doesn't have to be. I'd like all of the kids to get together soon and as often as possible. I'm looking forward to Gordon spending time with us at home. I'd like to take him with us to Vermont to meet his grandparents on my side of the family. My Dad is getting a little senile, and I bet he would think he was seeing me young again. Mom would love to meet Gordon for the same reason. I'd like my kids to get to know you and to see us as we were when we were growing up. You were sweet and lovely back then. You could be that way again."