Chapter 1

Seventh grade, that magical and fearful time when you moved up to associate with the bigger kids--yes and meet some bullies too. Over the summer vacation you found out that girls weren't such a bad thing to have around either. When you found your home room you looked around for kids like you that looked interesting. My eyes came to rest on a little dark-haired girl with pigtails, three seats over on my right and two seats down. I could watch her from where I sat and she would never know. Gee I wonder what it would be like to kiss her.

She was a feisty little thing and that brought her trouble. A couple of eighth grade kids cornered her in the hall. "Oh my, look at pigtails. Bucky, you grab her tight and I'll just give her a little kiss."

"You do that and I'll slap you so hard you won't wake up for a week."

"Oh, ho, I was kidding, but you're really going to get kissed now. You hold her tight Bucky, I don't want to go to sleep for a week."

Bucky was following directions when I barreled into him, tipping him off his feet. The other kid (I never knew his name) grabbed me, pinning my arms to my side. Bucky said, "What ja' do that for?"

"That's my girl, you leave her alone!" I wasn't very big, but I wasn't going to let this happen to somebody I wanted to kiss. I looked as fierce as I could.

"Okay, okay, we were just fooling. Who'd want to kiss somebody in pigtails anyway?" They let me go and went off down the hall laughing.

I hardly dared look at the girl I had stuck my foot in my mouth for without thinking. My face was pink and then turned red when she started telling me how wonderful I was. Walking toward home room, she shyly asked me where I lived. I told her and we discovered we lived only a couple of streets apart. Her family had just moved here so her father could work at the Cummins Factory that made cleaning and lighter fluid. The factory motto was "Keep It Clean with Energine."

I thought I was being bold when I asked if I could carry her books and walk her home after school.

"Oh, yes, that would be fun!" She was quiet until just before we entered home room and said, "I don't kiss boys yet, but when I do you will be my first." I was bound to this person, forever I hoped.

Gina and I were sweethearts all through Junior High. High School brought its own challenges but we remained constant. I was usually there to walk her home after school unless school activities prevented or interfered.

We did the school dances and blowouts and went to the sports games together. Everyone knew we were a couple, and not many kids tried to come between us. We had a lot of friends and were comfortable having activities the other didn't participate in, as I knew she was for me, and she felt the same.

The summer we were Juniors almost ended it. We used to hitch-hike up to Williamsville to the swimming hole. You went down a steep hill, and down some more to the river bank. There was a huge deep swimming hole that was always populated, as it was well-known and had been for generations. Across the river there was a twenty-foot cliff to dive off from. If the diver was real daring, there was a tree you could climb that added another ten feet to the total height.

Gina and I had been there all afternoon and decided one more trip across would be about it. Swimming over under the cliff Gina turned and pushed away from the rock when someone jumped from the top. He hit her a glancing blow and drove her under. I waited for her to come up. She didn't immediately so I dove down looking for her.

Gina was at least six feet down when I grabbed her arm and pulled her to the surface. I shouted for help and some other swimmers got us out and across the river onto the bank. I was in the boy scouts until I had lost interest the year before. Thank God I stayed long enough to learn artificial respiration. I got the credit for saving her life, although there were others that could have done as well.

We knew we would graduate, get married, start a family and remain happy ever after, just like our parents. College was not an option for either of us. My Dad worked at Churches, motto; "The Best Seat In The House" making wooden toilet seats and Gina's father worked at the Energine factory. Our mothers kept house and saw that the family was clean, fed and clothed the best they could with the money earned at the factories.

We planned our life before we finished school. Gina would be a telephone operator and I (Gordy Benson) would become a telephone lineman for the New England Telephone Company. This was one of the most stable companies to work for in our town. Eventually the pay would be good if you worked there long enough. The Korean War was being waged, so I knew sometime in the future I would be drafted, but that was far ahead and being young like we were, we didn't worry too much.

When we graduated, Gina immediately was employed, but there was a waiting list for men wanting to work for the phone company. It took five months before my name reached the top of the list and I was called to come in for an interview. I was nervous, mostly because I wanted the job so badly and to work at the same place Gina did. I guess I didn't impress Personnel when they interviewed me, but I started as a temporary hire and was put on probation for a period of three months.

I set about learning the job with a vengeance. I ran my ass off, and any free time I asked questions and read repair manuals and all of the technical information I could find. At the end of the three month temporary period I was employed full time. Gina and I were married before the year was out. Both of us were working at steady jobs now and ready to begin our time together down life's highway.

We settled into a three-room furnished apartment. It was small and this was before there was television for the masses. This was back in the nineteen-fifties and being a telephone operator was a pretty boring job. I didn't see it because I was involved in being the best I could be and wanting to be more than just a lineman. Our first major purchase was a 1935 Ford coupe. It was almost twenty years old, but it was in great shape and I loved that car almost as much as I did Gina. At least that is what I kidded her about.

I was studying correspondence courses on wiring at night. I signed up through the mail and the phone company even paid some of the cost. Gina, bored during the day and with nothing to stimulate her in the evening, asked if it was okay to go out with the girls one night during the week. Knowing that I didn't want her to feel obligated to hang around with me while I studied, I said, "Sure, have fun."

Gina knew that my studying so hard was for her. If I could get a promotion, then she could quit and we could start a family. Our main entertainment was to go riding the back roads in our little car. Saturday afternoon we took trips and we took longer ones on Sunday. Saturday nights we usually went out with friends. The age to buy alcohol here in Vermont was twenty-one, but liquor was readily found, especially if store owners knew you and you could keep your mouth shut. Once in a while we would travel the forty-five miles to New York where the legal age was 18.

Gina was something! She sparkled all the time. It didn't matter who she was with, she was just a joy to be around. Me, well I was kind of quiet and was satisfied to watch my wife having fun and enjoying herself. When she had a couple of beers in her, she was the life of the party. I suppose being bored on the job and bored staying home while I studied made her break loose and have fun when she got out.

Summertime, the year we were twenty, we went across the line to New York to buy beer and dance at the Bloody Bucket or another place called Webbs. Usually a few of our crowd would be there and sometimes more than a few. Quite often there would be three or four vehicles, including our little two-seater coupe traveling west.

I was young and I knew that I could drive just as well drunk as I could sober. And if I was drunk, I swore maybe I could drive even better. It was a hot August night, the music was loud and I sat watching Gina dance, sipping all the while on the beer that seemed to keep coming my way. All my life I never distrusted Gina. She never gave me any reason to and I had saved her life hadn't I? This night it did seem like she was a little more friendly with a couple of guys. I mentioned it to her, not criticizing, just making a comment. She said she could control them and besides they were a lot of fun. She said she had met them somewhere before on her night out with the girls.

When it was time to head east toward home, I could hardly stand up. I argued that I was not too drunk to drive and got behind the wheel. When Gina, upset over losing the argument, got into the car, I backed up and into a sign post at the edge of the parking lot. I staggered out and looked at the damage. There was no damage to the post I had backed into, but my rear fender and bumper were crumpled.

I gave up and admitted I was in no shape to drive. The two guys that had been paying attention to Gina offered to drive my car home for me and the other would follow with Gina. They lived south of us in Massachusetts so it wouldn't be out of their way.

What was I to do? If I wanted to get me and Gina home, this seemed in my befuddled mind to be the only way. I remember getting into my car with one of the strangers sliding into the driver's seat. That was it, that is all that I remember.

Have you ever been hung over--bad, real bad? I roused up as I laid on the couch in my living room. I felt like I could die! Then I heard the toilet flush. Good, Gina is awake and can make me coffee. The bathroom door opened and I was waiting for Gina to say something. Then I realized the footsteps were going by me and I partially opened my eyes. At first I couldn't figure out who was opening the front door to go out. Then it came to me that this was the guy that drove me home last night.

Then I heard the bedroom door open and someone go into the bathroom. Again I heard the toilet flush, the door opened and another guy tip-toed by the couch. A car engine started out front of our apartment and I heard it go down the street. Where was Gina? If she was in the bedroom, my life was over. Dumb-ass, I got drunk last night and didn't watch out for my wife. I didn't know I had to, but it was too late now!

When Gina opened the bedroom door and came out, I think she was counting on me being still asleep. Startled that I was awake, she could see the question in my eyes. "They did it with you didn't they?" Her head went down and she nodded. She wasn't crying, but with the look on her features, she might as well have been.

"Don't blame yourself Gina. I should have stayed sober." Then I asked, "They didn't hurt you did they?" Gina shook her head no. "Do you want to tell me about it?" She shook her head again. I moved toward her to give her a hug.

"Don't touch me. I'm dirty." Now the tears came. They didn't just trickle down her cheeks, they flowed along with her great wracking sobs. "I'm going to take a bath."

The day got no better for either of us. Gina was in the tub more than an hour. I blamed myself and Gina blamed herself. Not once did I criticize her. Finally with her head bent so she wouldn't have to look at me she said, "I met these guys a couple of times before. They always acted nice and never bothered me. I thought I could handle their flirting. They started more than just flirting when we brought you into the house. Then they started grabbing and pulling my clothes off me. I kept saying no until they had my clothes most off. I just didn't think this could happen.

"I kept drinking when it was offered on the way home, so I was pretty drunk by the time we got here together and they started pawing me. It got to the point where I didn't stop them or maybe I didn't want to stop them. It happened then."

"How come they were still here this morning?"

"They went to sleep, I guess. It was late anyway. We didn't leave New York until the bar closed at two. It was nearly four before they got you in the house. They probably didn't sleep more than an hour."

I looked at the clock. They must have messed with my wife for two hours or more. Why in hell did I get drunk last night? "Do you want to report this as a rape?"

"No, you can't. Too many people saw me get in the car with one of them. Nobody would believe me." I agreed with her.

This was Sunday. I asked Gina if she wanted to go for our usual ride. She didn't, especially with the car dented up like it was. I went out and looked at it. It needed a new bumper and some body work, but other than that it was driveable. I called a buddy that worked in an autobody shop over on Spring Street. I asked if he would have the shop owner look for a new or used bumper and make an appointment to hammer out the fender.

Bed time was difficult. Gina acted like she didn't want me to look at her or touch her. I wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry I was. We hadn't touched before this today and I didn't know how to approach her. She kept saying she was dirty and unclean and to keep away from her.

Monday she called in sick. This was highly unusual for her. She said she was going to see her mother and father and probably would be there all day.

My buddy picked the car up and a used bumper was installed. The shop just hammered the fender into shape temporarily and replaced the blown light bulbs in the tail light. I could have the final repair done when the paint shop wasn't so busy.

I couldn't concentrate at work and I don't know how I made it until quitting time. Gina didn't eat but little that night. She seemed more and more depressed as time went on.

In bed that night, I rolled over and tried to hold her. Again she acted like she wanted to get away from me. "Can we try to make love? We have to get over this and put it behind us." I was hoping that the closer we were, a spark might be struck and things would return to being more normal.

We tried for sex, but I wasn't up to the task. This had never happened to me before. I tried to talk about it, but that just made it worse. Finally I turned away from her. Neither one of us slept much that night.

Gina quit her job the next day without telling me. She was spending most of her time with her folks. I finally decided to tell my parents that we were having some problems. Mother couldn't at first believe our rift was serious. Gina and I had been a couple now for eight years and nobody would believe we could have trouble.

The next Sunday I finally was able to finish what I had started a few days before in bed. I wish I had given it more time, because Gina ended up sobbing and pulling away from me as soon as she could. It was a dark time for me and it was about to get worse.

Wednesday night, Gina was waiting when I came in the door. There was no supper on the table. She led me in and we sat on the couch.

"Gordy, this isn't working and I don't know if it will ever again. I called my aunt out in California. I want to go out and stay with her awhile. I've failed you, so please let me go. I don't see how you can even stand to be near me. We are just tearing ourselves apart and it isn't even your fault. You have saved me so many times, but this time you can't."

I could see it was useless to argue with her, so I went on to more pertinent things. "What do you need?"

"Do we have any money? I need about two hundred dollars."

"We don't have it now, but I can get it by tomorrow night. When are you leaving?"

"Saturday morning. Dad is taking me to Albany and I am flying out of there." Gina was crying and I was too. How could I fight for her when I could see that her mind was already made up. "I'm going over to Dad and Mom's now. Would you bring what money you can scrape up over there?"

"This sounds like a good-bye. Am I going to see you again before you leave?"

"No, Gordy. I can't bear to face you anymore. I just have made too big a mess of things."

"I'm not blaming you, I'm blaming myself. You didn't make any mistakes. I did when I got drunk. Please can't you forgive me and stay with me?"

"Let me go, Gordy please." Gina was begging now so I let her go, tears streaming down my face.

We were just starting out in life together and hadn't saved any money, but I was willing to sacrifice the only thing that was of any value to me, besides her of course--my car. One of the supervisors for the phone company had promised me one hundred seventy-five dollars any time I would hand him the keys. The keys were turned over and even though it was a day early I asked for my paycheck. I was able to hand two hundred twenty-seven dollars through the door to Gina's Mom Thursday night.

Friday night late, I felt Gina crawl into bed with me. She came back and I was so happy! I held her and we made love. The most gentle love and the most satisfying we had ever had. I went to sleep knowing she was beside me.

Morning found my bed empty, a tear-soaked pillow beside mine. This time I knew she had really gone, and quite possibly for good. The fifties--if you had sex with someone other than your husband or wife, you divorced or were expected to. My wife was gone and my life was empty.

I didn't hear from Gina again. Three weeks later I was served the divorce papers. The Thursday before she left Gina had hired an attorney to do the processing. I was very upset because I thought the money from the car had been used, not to keep us together, but to hire someone to split us apart.

I went over and stormed at Gina's parents. They calmed me down and said they were sorry, but Gina had insisted on the divorce. What could my father-in-law do, when Gina said she had wounded me beyond repair. She just wanted to set me free to make up for it.

The same day it was confirmed she wanted a divorce, Uncle Sam sent me Greetings and said he would provide me with pay, food and clothes and teach me all kinds of useful things. You know, like how to use a rifle and crawl around in the mud. I didn't have any choice, so using the thirty days granted for taking care of my affairs, I put what was left of my life in order.

Washing dishes is a great job in the army. I did my share at Fort Devens the week I was there. Then the army put me on an old DC-6 and flew me out to Fort Lewis, Washington for basic training. I was one of the lucky ones with my work history for the telephone company. I escaped being a cook or rifleman because they needed to fill some slots in the Signal Corps.