Chapter 9

Elle wasn't sure she'd heard correctly. She said as much out loud.

Nicole's face was bright red. "Please don't make me say it again."

"Okay, okay, but ... It just wasn't what I expected to hear," said Danielle. "You want me to tell you ... What sex is like?"

"Does that really surprise you?" Nicole said. "You're the one who said that it's totally natural for people to be curious about it. You were the one who said you were worried that I didn't seem to have any curiosity about it."

"I was drunk at the time," Elle grumbled, "I probably shouldn't've said that."

"Well," said Nicole. "I am curious. It's not like I don't know what you and Tom are doing. I've seen how ... how happy you are afterwards." She colored a little. "I've heard the noises you make."

"Yeah, but ... You've never ... Shown any interest in it before," said Elle. "I mean, Tom and I have been going out for more than a year, and you haven't said anything. I just ... I didn't see it coming. I mean ... What about your parents?"

"Elle, I don't tell my parents anything," Nicole said, in a slightly less patient voice than before. "If they knew I knew half of what I know ... I mean, I'm not even sure why they let me come here. I can't even get my ears pierced yet, because they'd have a fit."

"Wow," said Elle. "Summer must have been excruciating."

She had been going out with Tom for 15 months now. She and Nicole were sophomores, now living in the Logan dorms five doors down from David. The crowd here was a little more raucous than they were used to, but most of their classes were on this end of campus; and Nicole didn't seem too discomforted by the increased commotion, or the higher likelihood of some drunken sot knocking on their door at three in the morning. Indeed, she said it added spice to her life.

Tom had come to visit, once, over the summer; she had taken him to meet Liz (now, sadly, single) and Amy, but most of their time had been spent screwing each other's brains out at any moment they could. Sex with Tom was almost addictive, and going without had been a lot harder than she had expected. Liz had changed over the year; she was thinking about transferring to another school to be away from Martin, who had taken one look at the college scene and decided he didn't want to be tied down anymore. Last anyone had heard, he was sleeping his way through one girl a week (or more). Liz was taking it hard; there was a gauntness to her now, a pain that reminded Elle of the look she had always seen in Katrina Stanton's eyes. She had given Liz the Stantons' business card, but didn't know if her friend had looked them up.

To Amy and Liz, the most surprising news was seeing her being friends with David again. She had told them over the phone, of course, of their unlikely meeting, but they didn't really believe it until they saw it—and Elle supposed she oughtn't blame them. After all, neither of them had been friends with her while she was still with David; they hadn't had a chance to see how the two of them fit together. And it wasn't long before they'd seen their friendship in action, and understood. "God, and I thought I was close with Martin," Liz said. "I mean, we were together for more than four years. But, next to you guys..."

And Amy said, "It's not even like you're separate people anymore. He says something and you just immediately know what he means. I wouldn't want to give that up, if I didn't have to ... And if I had it." She was single as well, though more by her own choice than anything else; men were asking her out, and she was going on dates, but she hadn't found anyone who suited her yet.

Elle was concerned for her friends, and did what she could for them while the summer lasted; but she was looking forward to school resuming. Not only was Tom there, but Nicole was too. And it was Nicole she felt the real kinship with now; it was Nicole with whom she shared her real secrets. She'd helped her pad her bra, make the wrong boys leave her alone, deal with annoying classmates or (even worse) group-project slackers; and in return, she'd gotten to see something remarkable: a woman in transformation. The process was slow, but the butterfly was emerging from its cocoon, spreading its wings. Gone were the days when her roommate's naiveté had annoyed her; in fact, she was starting to appreciate Nicole's more innocent viewpoint, and call upon it at times. Nicole had a knack for seeing the best in people; Elle, a practiced cynic, liked the balance it provided, and would hate to see it damaged.

For instance, by plucking fruit from the tree of temptation.

"Okay, I get that you're curious about sex," said Elle, "but ... You're not dating anybody right now. What would be the point?"

"Do I have to be?" said Nicole.

"Well, no," said Elle. "People do casual sex sometimes. But does that sound like something you want to do?"

"What, you mean, sex just because you feel like it?" said Nicole. "Without ... Without the person meaning anything to you, in particular?"

Elle nodded.

Nicole shook her head. "No, that's not for me. I'm sure those other people enjoy it, but it's not what I want."

"So why ... Why be curious?" said Elle. "I mean, I can tell you stuff, but ... I'm not sure it'll help. You know?"

"I know, but..." said Nicole, twisting her hands. "I just ... I mean, I asked my parents about it, or tried to. Tried to, you know, work around to it. And ... They just didn't tell me anything useful." She gave a little laugh. "Not that I could really say anything directly, of course. I had to be very ... Vague. They might have thought I was talking about something else entirely. And I'm tired of being confused. I want to understand. My parents say, Don't do it, my friends say, Do it, the church says, Don't do it, the media says, Do it, and I don't even know what 'it' is right now."

"Okay, well..." said Elle, feeling a bit uncomfortable. But she knew she could explain the birds and the bees, if it came down to it. (Which it wouldn't. She knew Nicole knew that much, at least.) "What is it you want to know?"

"Why do you do it?" Nicole said.

Elle tilted her head. "Umm." Were there any questions that were broader? Besides, like, 'Why are we here' and 'Where are we going.' "Give me a minute, that's a big question."

"I don't mean, like, to have babies or whatever," said Nicole. "I know that happens. Or doesn't, if you're using contraceptives. I know why it's useful. I mean ... Why do people choose to do it? Or not, if they're like me."

No, I think you're less likely to not choose it than you think. Elle gave a little frown of concentration. "Well ... I dunno. The first answer is that it feels good."

"How does it feel?" Nicole said.

"Well, I can't ... I can't answer that."

"Why not? You've done it. You should know what it feels like."

"Yes, but it's hard to describe," Elle said, "and also I think it might be different for each person."

"Oh."

"If you really do want to find out, what you should do is masturbate," said Elle.

"Masturbate," said Nicole. "You mean ... Touch myself."

"Yeah," said Elle.

"Yeah," said Nicole, looking away, "that's what ... Well. Someone suggested that."

"Oh?" said Elle, curious. "Who?" Who else had Nicole talked to about this?

Nicole looked a little guilty. "Umm..."

"You can tell me," said Elle, smiling.

"Umm ... David," Nicole said.

"Oh," said Elle. Well, of course. Who else would she trust? Heck, I wish he were here—it'd be easier on all of us. "Well, you can trust him, I think," she said. "He gives good advice. And I doubt he'll go blabbing about it to anyone else."

"Yeah," said Nicole. "Does ... Does it feel good?"

"Does what feel good?"

"When you ... Touch yourself."

"Well ... Yeah, once you learn how, at least."

"You have to learn how? I ... I thought it just came naturally. I thought that when a man and wife..."

"Oh, well..." Elle thought about it. "I mean, yeah, to a certain extent. I mean, a lot of it is instinctual. The first time you're with someone ... I mean, he'll get hard, and you'll get wet. If you explore enough."

"That's what my pastor said," Nicole said eagerly. "That a husband and wife should feel free to explore each other's bodies, and bless each other with their nakedness."

"Umm," said Elle. "Riiiiight. Well, yeah, that's part of it." It was certainly true enough, though that was just about the lamest description of it she'd ever heard. "But there's more to it than that, and you aren't going to figure it out just by fumbling. Or by intercourse either, for that matter."

"Why?" said Nicole. "Is it something to do with having a baby?"

Well... "Only kind of. Do you know what an orgasm is?"

Nicole just blinked.

"Okay, I see that you don't. Well. Orgasm is the ... God, how do I describe this. It's the physical goal of sex. It's what sex leads to from a physical standpoint."

"I thought that was pregnancy."

"Umm, ye-esssss, that's right, I ... Ugh, I wish David were here, he'd know how to explain it. Okay. An orgasm is a physical sensation that is caused by sex. If sex feels good, orgasm feels even better. In men, it causes ejaculation."

"You have to cause that? I thought it just ... Happened."

"Well, kind of, yes," Elle said, "because men find it a lot easier to have an orgasm than women do. But it's still a discrete event. A woman can have sex without having an orgasm ... And, for that matter, a man can too. It's just ... Not as likely."

"Because it's easier for them."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"God, I dunno. Umm. That's just how it turned out. It's known that women need more stimulation before they come."

"'Come'?"

"Have an orgasm. But part of it is also ... Well, look. Men are socialized to have sex, right? It's just part of the training they receive from society. Men are supposed to have sex."

"Yeah."

"And women aren't."

"Yeah."

"So, you've got a girl and a boy. Both of them decide to ... investigate. To explore."

"To touch themselves."

"Yeah. And, in doing so, to learn how to achieve orgasm. Well, when the boy's parents find out, they don't say anything."

"Whereas the girl, for whom it's harder, is discouraged from..."

"Yeah."

"Because that's not how girls are supposed to be."

"Yeah."

"That's ... Kind of backwards."

"So, you can do your part in reversing it," Elle said.

"Yeah, but..." Nicole made an uncomfortable gesture. "I've been discouraged from it. I was always told it's dirty."

"And there you go," Elle said. "The point is, if you want to find out about the physical side of sex, there are things you can do that don't involve, you know, actually having it."

"The physical side," Nicole said. She looked up. "There are other sides to it?"

Elle rubbed her face with her hands. Why couldn't she learn to leave well enough alone? "Well ... Yes."

Nicole didn't even say anything; she just raised her eyebrows.

"Well ... There's an emotional side too," said Elle. "It's ... Well. It's hard to explain to someone who's never been in love."

"I ... I love my parents," said Nicole.

"Thaaaat's a totally different thing," said Elle, squirming. God, that's horrific. "You're not in love with your parents. It's not the same. There's ... Ugh. When you're having sex, it's about ... Really caring for this person, and wanting to share things with them, and ... It's about intimacy."

"Intimacy," Nicole said.

"Yeah, intimacy," said Elle, knowing she could never explain. She knew, of course; the thrill of having Tom in her, of kissing him, of seeing his face and hearing his moans, of caressing him with her pussy, of knowing that she—she, Danielle Mayer, her body—was bringing him to such heights of pleasure. On top of the thrill of being completely naked with him, of being totally vulnerable to him; on top of the pleasure of his cock drilling into her, his groin against her clit, her nipples tingling and wet in the cold air. But why did she enjoy that? Why did she want to bring him pleasure? Because she loved him, of course; but did Nicole, who had never been on a date in her life, have the emotional context to understand that? "It's ... It's something you do with not too many people ... And something that, probably, your partner hasn't done with too many people either. You're sharing something very private. You get to ... You get to see and know things about them that almost no one else on earth will ever, ever see."

Nicole was silent.

"Nicky, is ... Is someone ... Trying to push you into something?" Elle was the only person who ever called her that; in some ways, she too was seeing something almost no one would ever see. "Is ... I mean, there are all sorts of good reasons to have sex. But if you, you know, touch yourself, you'll soon realize that the, the physical side, the orgasm ... You don't need another person for that. And the emotional side ... Well, that's only special if you make it special. If you just give that away ... So don't give that away, is what I'm saying. Whoever's asking you to do it with them, don't, unless you're really really sure. Sure that you want to, and that you won't regret it."

Nicole looked up. "Would you ... Would you think less of me if ... If someone was? And I said yes?"

Elle gave her a hug. "I wouldn't think less of you for anything, honey. I'm your friend. I want you to be happy—however you define that."

"Just a friend?" Nicole said. "Oh, Danielle. I wouldn't ask these things of just a friend. I wouldn't ask this of anyone but a sister." And she gave her a smile and a kiss on the cheek.

It was flattering, and the memory of the bestowal stayed with Elle long after the moment itself had passed. But so did Nicole's questions, which seemed so obvious on the surface but were actually more complex than that. And so, bathed in May sunlight, her slit still wet with his spend and hers, she turned to Tom and said, "So, how what sex feel like?"

Tom blinked. "What?"

She decided not to sit up, and just turned her head. His seed still pooled inside her, and it was a feeling she loved; it was warm and heavy in her, like molten silver. Sometimes, if she hadn't come yet, just the feeling of it inside her would push her over the edge. But when she sat up it would slide out; so she liked to spend their post-coital cuddling on her back, her hips tilted up, keeping his precious cum deep inside her for as long as possible. Getting on The Pill had been the smartest decision in her life.

Tom's mother had gone back into the workforce one he went to college, so the house was often empty in the afternoons, and they had taken to coming here for their trysts. She loved this attic room—loved everything it said about him, from the raw wood to the half-rusted nails overhead to the structural trusses holding up the roof. Every surface had a poster or a painting on it; every splash of color said something about him. And here they could be naked in the warm sun. She'd never known she had a nudist streak until that day in the field with David, but now she knew just how much she loved to feel sunlight on her skin, to feel herself bathed in molten gold, to be free and uninhibited in the eyes of nature. If Tom could come visit this summer, she'd have to take him to the field. And here, at his house, in their privacy, there was a lot more time for post-coital cuddling than there would be in her room, where Nicole might walk in at any time. Maybe I should talk to Nicole about renting an apartment off-campus next year. It'd make life a lot easier.

It was comfortable to be here, in Tom's arms, his shoulder pillowing her. I could see myself with this man for the rest of my life, she realized, not for the first time. I could see myself here—in these arms, under this sunlight; with these lips on mine, giving myself to these hips, these legs, this heart—for the rest of my life.

"It just occurred to me to wonder," she said, hedging her bets a little; she wasn't going to tell him whose conversation had sparked the curiosity. "I mean, what does it feel like? What do we compare it to? What does it feel like?"

"Well ... It feels good, doesn't it?" he said.

"Yeah, but, that goes without saying."

"And it's fun."

"That's also obvious. Well, okay, let me put it this way: what's your favorite part of sex?"

He rolled onto his side to look at her. "I have to pick just one part?"

She gave him a grin.

"Hmm. Okay, umm ... My favorite part would be ... Besides all of it, of course. My favorite part is ... Making you come. I can feel you getting all tense—your legs come up, and your back arches, and you always push me into your pussy with your hands." He grinned. "And then it happens, and you cry out, and I can feel you squeezing on my fingers, and you just ... Go limp. I wish I could do it with my hands, because then I could see your face." He gave her a gentle kiss. "I would love to see your face when you come."

She twined her arms around him and kissed him. "I love you so much, you know."

"I know. I love you too." Then he pulled back to grin. "So, what's yours?"