Chapter 10

For Elle, the thought that her roommate (who was more of a little sister to her) was dating her best friend/ex-boyfriend (who was more of a brother) took a while to get used to.

Jodie was pragmatic about it; that was her nature, as Elle had learned. Though not without sympathy, there was a core of cold practicality to her character that made her unlikely to be sentimental. "It's just something you gotta get used to, you know? It's not healthy to dwell in the past, you know that. Surely your experiences with Weston would have told you that."

Tom thought it was uproarious; he laughed for five minutes when she told him. He also claimed he'd seen it coming. "I mean, seriously, Elle, who else does Nicole know? She doesn't go out partying, she doesn't socialize that much in classes, I don't even want to think about the dreadful specimens she must meet at church ... And David would rather die than hurt her, so of course she'd trust him.

"And besides, I think they're good for each other. David's a really nice guy, so he needs someone who'll appreciate him for who he is. You know as well as I that most girls our age aren't looking for someone like him: they want a guy who'll drink his friends under the table. And Nicole ... Well, I love her as much as you do, but she's so fragile. She needs to be handled with kid gloves. And David'll know how to do that. Really, I can't think of a better match."

Elle saw that he was right, and tried to take joy in their happiness. Nicole positively glowed now; she seemed to be made translucent by her joy, and went smiling throughout the day. She had always been beautiful, but now she was lovely; her demure dress and figure were radiant, and Elle knew a bunch of men must be taking notice of her for the first time, and asking her out.

All Jodie said was, "Sometimes you just light up after a good fucking."

David was in his element too; Elle, who had never needed protecting, had never realized just how much it brought him to life to have someone to protect. He was solicitous, kind, charming, with a grace that put even Tom's courtesies to shame; this was what he lived for. And he was happier too, walking with more of a spring in his step, laughing more, smiling more. And he was getting laid again for the first time in two years, which Elle knew she could not object about. Nicole was pleased on that front as well. Elle, of course, didn't go fishing for details, but she didn't need to; Nicole came to her bedroom that very night and gushed about her first time for five solid minutes. Yes, Nicole was very pleased with her new lover.

The two of them were discreet, of course, even in private when it was just the two of them and her, or her and Tom, or her and Jodie, or even all five of them. At first Elle thought that they were trying to spare her feelings, but she soon realized that Nicole was simply a deeply private person. She and David had never felt particularly ashamed at public displays of affection; Nicole would, even amongst those she trusted. Nonetheless, there were moments. They would watch movies, and Elle would glance over and see Nicole nestled into his arms; or someone would be talking, and David would take a moment to bestow a reverent kiss on Nicole's forehead. It was a level of affection she had never seen him give, could not remember experiencing. And every now and then, very rarely, she might see them kiss.

It was like watching a sacrament.

"Is it just me," Jodie said once, "or do those two have a white wedding together somewhere in their future?"

"It's not just you," Elle had answered.

It was harder to deal with than she'd expected. Tom was kind, patient, accepting, but she could see it even bothered him a little. It bothered her much more. She should be over this by now. How long had it been since she'd been David's girlfriend? They were friends now, just friends, with the easy familiarity of their long association. There was no reason why seeing him with a girlfriend—seeing him kissing, seeing him happy; occasionally even hearing the sounds of their loving—should upset her. There was no reason she ought to look at Nicole, radiant, joyful, happier than she'd ever been, and think, It should have been me. It should have been me...

The end result was that, when Nicole asked her about her housing plans for senior year, and whether she'd like to go on being roommates together, Elle had no answer. "I dunno, let me think about it," she had to say—day after day, while time slid past them. Nicole knew from their experiences last year that, the later they made a move on it, the worse their prospects would be; but she never commented. Perhaps she understood Elle's hesitation. (Or, Elle thought uncharitably, perhaps she's too distracted to notice.)

"You're not okay with this, are you," Tom asked her one night.

"Okay with what?" she said. At the moment, they were lying on her bed, sated and satisfied; his hand idly twirled through her pubic hair. "Tom, you've played with my pussy a hundred times before, if you really think that—"

"That's not what I meant," Tom said.

Elle had known what he meant. But she didn't want to start that.

"You're not okay with Nicole dating anyone, are you."

"Umm..." said Elle. That was not what she felt at all, but she ran with it. "No, I ... I'm not. Umm. Yeah. I mean, she's so young. —Not literally, not, like ... It's not like she's underage or anything. But she's ... Inexperienced."

Tom grinned. "I'm pretty sure David will take care of that pretty soon."

She gave him a swat. "That's not what I meant. I meant that ... I mean ... If anyone tries to take advantage of her, and..."

"Do you really think David would do that?" he said.

Isn't he?, was what she wanted to say, but that would be unfair. She didn't think David would manipulate Nicole like that. That wasn't in his person; and even Nicole would notice if he had an ulterior motive. Besides, she didn't think he would've needed to. All he would have needed to do was show her the sort of love and care that he was showing now. Nicole was a sweet, uncomplicated girl, but that didn't mean she didn't want to be loved.

The day Nicole lost her virginity was the first time Elle had had any indication that she was seeing anyone, much less David. "How long has this been going on," she asked.

Nicole looked anything less than blissful for the first time all day. "Umm. Since September."

"You first started asking me that stuff in May," Elle said. "It was David who was making you curious, wasn't it?"

"Well ... Yeah," said Nicole. "We started ... He asked me out, and I said I needed to ... To think about it."

"Why? ... I mean. What was to think about? You guys seem ... Happy."

"I know, and, I really liked him. I really like him. But, just ... You know. I know he's had sex, and I knew he'd want to, and I didn't wanna disappoint him, and..."

"And because no one had ever asked you out before."

"Yeah, and ... And because he's so... Different."

"Different?" said Elle. "From who?"

"From ... Me," said Nicole. "I mean, he's very sweet and polite and a nice guy, but he's so ... He's not a Christian."

Elle was flabbergasted. "Honey, he may not be a Christian, but I don't think that makes him a bad person—"

"No, no, he's not, that's not what I'm saying. It's ... The thing is ... He's not a Christian."

"And that's important to you? With you thinking about having pre-marital sex? With you having pre-marital sex?"

Nicole's chin came up. "Danielle, pre-marital sex has nothing to do with it. There are places in the Bible where it says not to do that, but David and I talked it out and I feel that I can do it without causing myself any physical and spiritual harm. So I tried it, and you know what? I was right. I may be a Christian, but that doesn't mean I can't think for myself."

"I didn't mean—"

"But yes, Christianity is important to me. That's part of who I am. It's important to me that, whatever I do, I be able to look my Redeemer in the eye and say, I have no regrets about my life. That's the only standard of behavior I hold myself to, and the only standard that matters."

"Well— Umm," said Elle, feeling hopelessly out of her depth. She had never heard Nicole speak with such steel conviction. "O-Okay, and— And. Umm. David. Prevents you from doing that?"

"No, it's ... It's not that," said Nicole, all timid concern again. "It's that ... He's not Christian. He doesn't live by those standards."

"And you want him to."

"Yeah."

"Well ... Why don't you ... just ... I dunno. Why don't you just let it play out, and see what happens?" Elle said. "I mean ... Maybe he'll change."

"Yeah. I hope so."

"And besides, we both know David," Elle said. "He'll understand. He'll listen. If you tell him what you feel and how you think you should act, he'll at least give it some thought before he makes his decision. He may have different standards, but that doesn't mean he'll, like, automatically go and do things you don't like."

"Yeah," said Nicole.

There was a brief, contemplative silence.

Then Elle smiled. "So. How was it?"

"Oh my God, it was so good!" said Nicole, suddenly animated again. "I didn't know I could feel that way! David was perfect, just perfect, he knew everything about me, it seemed. He knew exactly what to do to make everything feel good, and every time I thought it couldn't get better, it did! I can't believe he—" She stopped suddenly, her face growing concerned again. "You're ... It doesn't bother you, does it?"

"What doesn't bother me?"

"Umm ... Us," said Nicole. "Your roommate going out with your best friend and ex-boyfriend."

"No, of course not," Elle said. She smiled. "You're my sister. I'm really happy for you. For both of you." And, at the time, she had meant it.

Now, it was not so easy to say.

"So, what is it," Tom asked her now. "What is it that bothers you so much? Is it jealousy over her?" His smile grew wicked. "Jealousy over him?"

"Oh, right," Elle snapped, "because I've been secretly jonesing after a girl who's been my roommate for three years, and yet I haven't done anything about it."

"Well, have you?" said Tom, grinning. "You tell me!"

She swatted him again.

Tom was a saint about it all. He saw—he had to see—how it hurt her; and it had to hurt him to see that, because it meant that her heart was not entirely his. But then, he'd known that from the beginning; must've known, since she'd made it clear to him. A little part of her heart would always be with David; that was simply the way they were wired now. And she didn't think that part of her heart was being disregarded just because he was with some other girl now, did she?—because she didn't. So why the hurt? Why the big deal?

It was David himself who came to her next. When she came home from classes, the living room was empty and Nicole's heart was up, so Elle subsided into her bedroom to do some homework. Some time later, there was a knocking on the door. It was David. His presence there in the doorway sent a jolt of regret through her: gone were the days when he could move freely through their apartment. Gone, for that matter, were the days when any of them could. Nicole and David needed their privacy, and no matter how happy they were, or she was for them, that meant walls that could no longer be breached.

"How are you doing?" he said.

"Fine," she said, "just fine. Just ... You know. Got home from classes, doing some homework. I didn't even know you were here."

"Oh," he said. "Umm. Yeah." He ran a hand through his hair, the old familiar gesture. "Nicole and I were. Umm. Having some private time."

"Oh," she said.

He colored. "Not ... Not like that kind of private time ... Okay, yes that kind of private time, but ... That's not all we do. She's a ... She's a very private person. There's a lot of things she wants to keep between us."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, just things like... 'Oh, ' you know, 'How was school today, ' or, 'Did your project turn out all right, ' or things like that. I think she just likes having a friend all to herself for once. You have to admit, that's not something she's had a lot of."

"Yeah."

"But..." he said. "Listen, I'm sorry that ... that it's like that. I mean, she's really a homebody, and I don't mind that, but sometimes I have to be, like... 'Hey, remember, we have other friends.' And ... Well, I mean. You're getting third-wheeled. And ... I don't like that."

"Oh, well," said Elle, a little surprised. "I'm sure she'll, umm. I'm sure she'll get over it eventually."

"I know, but ... In the meantime," said David.

"Yeah," she said. "Well, thanks."

There was a short silence between them.

"So..." she said. "What's it like to be back in a relationship?"

"It's ... It's really good, actually. I got really lucky. Nicole is ... Nicole is so wonderful. She's so loving and kind ... It's like there's this whole stockpile of love that she's been storing up over her life to share with someone."

"And it must be nice to be getting action again," said Elle.

"Yeah, no kidding," said David. "I never ... I never realized until I was single. Because, I mean ... Well, I was with Angela for a while, and we did it. And I was with Missy Renquist, and we actually did it just the once, before we broke up." Elle, to whom that question had once mattered, was surprised to notice that she didn't care now. "And before then there was you, and even though we weren't ... you know ... having actual intercourse, we were still ... Playing around. And the end result was that freshman year was basically the first time in my life that I was doing without. And ... Ugh?"

"Must've been pretty hard," Elle said.

"All the time," David agreed.

" ... Err. I kinda meant 'difficult.'"

David laughed. "Wow, Freudian slip there. But yes, it was difficult. And actually, I don't think it was. Umm. Hard. Any more than normal. It was just that, there was nothing I could do about it."

"Besides Miss Rosie Palm."

"Yeah, and that ... I mean, it's not the same. I mean, it, it seriously wasn't the same. I don't know why, it's not like your fingers are any different than mine, but..."

"Yeah. I had to learn to, you know, take care of myself. I mean, I had to learn it. I'm can't even say that I re-learned it because I don't think I ever knew. You knew, and whenever I had an itch, I just had to ask, and..."

"God, the same thing happened to me," he said, running his hand through his hair, the old familiar gesture. "I think I may have an extra-strong sex drive, too, because we were ... Because of how often we did stuff. So I was just constantly ... And then it was like, 'Wow, how lame is this, that I don't even know how to, you know, handle myself.' It was pretty lame, let me tell you. There was ... A learning curve."

"There must be a learning curve going on right now, too," she said. "I mean ... Well, call me crazy, but ... I really kinda doubt that Nicole has a lot of experience about what to do in bed. Or even very many ideas."

"That's true enough," he said. "But ... I mean, you know her. The things that are important to her, she takes very seriously. And ... This is important to her. Even in only the few weeks we've been doing it, there's been ... A lot of improvement. And she doesn't, like, hold back either. Whenever some new idea comes up, she isn't like, 'That's weird, let's not, ' she just ... She goes for it."

Elle gave him a wry smile. "Looks like you've got a genuine slut on your hands."

"No, actually, it's not like that at all," said David. "She's not ... She's so uncomplicated about it. It's not like, 'Ooh, let's be dirty' or whatever; she just wants to ... Please her lover. And if I come up with something I think I might like, or that she might, she's interested. If I think it'll be fun, she'll go for it. She just ... Gives of herself, completely. It's refreshing."

" ... I wanted to," she said.

"What?" said David. "You—? Ohh, ohh, no, no. Nellie, that's not what I meant. The reasons you held back ... I understand them a lot more now. And besides, you didn't hold back. There were things you didn't do, but the things you did do, you did wholeheartedly. That's exactly the same as Nicole; I have no doubt we'll come across something where she draws the line. What I mean was ... Well, you know the girls who just ... Who do it, because that's the only way to keep a man interested? Well, that was Angela, and that was definitely Missy Renquist. They were just like, you know, 'Okay, get it over with and then I can get back to my business.' " He gave a short laugh. "I mean, I'd offer to, you know, reciprocate, and they were just like... 'Why would I wanna waste time doing that?'"

"You're serious? You offered to go down on them, and they turned you down??" The memories were faded now, but as she recalled, David had been one heck of an expert at oral sex. "Well, just shows how stupid they are."

"Yeah, no kidding. It was like ... They were just blow-up dolls, or something. And not because I wanted it that way, because they did. They wanted me to just use them to get off, and then leave them alone. Whereas you ... You did things with me because you wanted to. And after we broke up, it became really clear to me, really quickly, that that was way more important than the fact that you made me wait four years."

"And now you get that with Nicole."

"Yeah, I ... I mean, I think part of it was high school. They just wanted someone, anyone, around, and if they needed to, you know, lie back and think of England to make it happen ... People are less like that at our age. But whatever the case, I decided that I didn't really want that anymore. I wanted someone who was going to, you know, participate."

"In sex."

"Not just in sex, it was ... Everything." He gave her a wry smile. "Let's face it, Nellie, you set a pretty high standard."

"You still call me that," she said. "Didn't I ask you not to call me that anymore? Like, five or six years ago?"

"Sorry," he said. "It's just ... How I think of you. You'll always be 'Nellie' to me."

"I'm Elle now," she said.

"You're Danielle," he said. "It's who you'll always be."

"Which isn't Nellie," she insisted. "I mean, I don't call you 'Davey' anymore."

"You could."

"No. I couldn't. You're not 'Davey' anymore. I'm not the person who gets to call you 'Davey' anymore."

David was silent for a long moment.

"Are you okay with this?" he said finally.

"With what?"

"With ... Me. And Nicole. With us."

She snorted. "David, don't tell me you'd end it if I told you to. I know you better than that."

"Okay, that much is true, but ... I mean, we could be ... More discreet."

"No, I'll be ... I'll be fine. And I couldn't ask you to end it, not in good conscience. You're my best friend, she's my sister. I want you to be happy. I want you both to be happy."

"Okay," he said, coming forward to put his hands on her shoulders. "Because we care about you. Both of us do. Heck, you introduced us, we owe you for that if nothing else. But even if not for that. We may have ... Other priorities ... But that doesn't mean we love you any less."

"You're sweet," she said, "thanks." And she gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "But I'll be fine." She laughed a little. "Besides, I've got Tom to keep me busy too."

"Yeah," he said. "Tom. Nellie, have you..." He trailed off.

"Have I what?" she said. There seemed to be a lot of potential endings for that question. "Have we gotten serious? Have we done it? Have we fought? Have I thought about whether it's going anywhere?"

He shook his head. "Never mind. Forget I said anything."

She laughed. "Davey, you can't just leave me hanging like that! Tell me! What were you going to say?"

She laughed; he didn't. "I'm going to leave you hanging like that, Danielle," he said, shaking his head again. "Good afternoon. Forget I ever said anything."

And what was she to say to that?

Well, obviously, she didn't just forget it; she started wondering what David had been trying to say. But who could she talk about it to? Tom himself was right out, for obvious reasons; she kept her eyes open, wondering if David knew something she herself had missed, but there was nothing in Tom's demeanor to suggest that anything was wrong or untoward. No, he was the same as he always was: polite, charming, optimistic, and fiendishly good in bed. One thing did come to her attention, though: that they almost never talked about the future. Or, perhaps more accurately, about their future.

So, she did what any self-respecting girlfriend would do: she brought it up one day. "Honey, where do you see yourself in five years?"

Tom dropped his fork with an audible clatter. "This is because I'm graduating, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Or because I'm still living with my folks. I thought you understood that: it's cheap and it's convenient, and saving money isn't exactly a dumb idea in this economy."

"Hold on, hold on!" said Elle. "I'm not trying to grill you or anything, Tom. Jesus! I'm just curious about my man. The way a girlfriend is supposed to be. You never talk about where you see yourself going. Or, for that matter, if you see me still being there."

"Well ... Yeah," said Tom. "The ... Well, I dunno. The truth is, I don't know where I'm going."

"See?" she said. "That wasn't so hard."

"Yeah, but, what girlfriend wants to hear that," he said. "Especially not after three years of dating."

"True," she said. "But go on."

He looked desperately uncomfortable, but he plowed on. "I just ... I know what I'm good at, you know? And ... There isn't a lot of market for it. Not right now, maybe not ever. I mean, it's not like your job—you're a graphics artist, you can do texturing for movies or video games or just about anything that involves 3D CGI. Me, I put paint on canvas. Very low-tech. So, I'm gonna have to find something more ... Practical. And ... I mean, it's just a job, you know? It pays the bills. I don't really care what it is, so long as it does. But ... I don't know what it's gonna be yet."

"Fair enough," she said. "If I hadn't decided to go with graphic arts, I might be in the same boat."

"Nonsense, they at least need photographers for weddings and such," he said. "But ... Since you were wondering, that's why I don't bring it up. Because I don't really have any future plans, nothing concrete. And ... I mean, how do I ask you to step into that?"

"Well, I might say yes," she said.

"Or you might say no."

"True, but that depends on me, doesn't it? At least I'm not like some sort of pre-law or pre-med who has no patience with anybody who doesn't have their entire life planned out already."

"Ha. Good point." He picked up his fork again. "Okay, let me ask you, then. Do you see this going somewhere? Do you see us still together in five years?"

It was her turn to think for a bit. She used her fork to toy with a broccoli floret. "Well ... Actually, what you said is a really good point. It's kind of ... It's kind of hard for me to picture me next to you in five years, because there's nothing concrete to picture. But ... I'd like to be." She reached out and put her hand on his. "I really like you, Tom. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't. And I don't mind just, you know, hanging out and waiting to see what happens."

He nodded. "That's kind of how I look at it. It's not like I can tell you, 'Oh, this-and-this has to happen by the time I'm 25, ' so, why try to make plans?"

"So, tell you what: whenever you know more about where you're gonna be? Give me a call. Look me up."

He gave her a smile. "You might still be right there."

She smiled. "The possibility does exist."

It was good to know what he was thinking ... But it didn't help explain the mystery of what David had said. David of course wouldn't talk about it; wouldn't even, for that matter, acknowledge that a conversation had happened. Nicole ... Well, what would she know? Nicole had her own concerns, and sordid details about her roommate's boyfriend was not likely to be one of them. And while Elle had made her share of other friends in her years in the dorms, she hadn't kept in touch with most of them; her sphere of interest had contracted when she moved into this apartment. Besides, what was she going to say to them? Hi, it's Elle, your former hall mate, and I was just wondering if you had any juicy gossip about my boyfriend?... Yeah right.

Who was left?

"Well, it could possibly just be rumors," said Jodie. "We are all, thankfully, past the point where people spread malicious lies around just to be douchebags, but the possibility does exist. Alternately, perhaps David is onto something, but he isn't sure. Or maybe he's jumping at shadows. The long and the short of it is that either Tom does have some secret he's hiding, or he doesn't, and everything else is kind of secondary to that. What you need to do is figure out, one—" She held up a finger. "—whether there is a secret, and two—" The second finger. "—what it could be."

"I don't think David would bring up something he didn't consider important," Elle said.

"Wrong. He clearly backed down from whatever it was."

"Okay, let me rephrase it: umm ... I don't think David would bring something up unless he considered it something actionable. He wouldn't just yank my chain. He thinks there is something at issue, whether or not it's his place to tell me about it."

"So you think there is a secret," said Jodie.

"I..." Elle shook her head. "I don't know. Tom is ... He's a very genuine person. I don't think he could keep a secret."

"All the best liars are like that," said Jodie. "Do you want me to ask around?"

"Ugh, no," said Elle. "The last thing I need is to ... To stir up something."

Jodie gave her a smile. "You should be more like me. I don't have to deal with this shit. If someone's messing around with me, I just don't sleep with them again."

Truthfully, that kind of lifestyle did not sound particularly appealing to Elle. "Well, at least you don't have lots of history to wade through."

Jodie laughed. "True that. Hell, I don't even sleep with someone more than three times anyway."

"Ugh," said Elle. "Peace and quiet would definitely be nice. I've got classes, I've got tons of homework, I've got this hanging over my head, I have to see David and Nicole being all lovey-dovey in each other's faces all the time..."

Jodie gave Elle a sidelong glance. "You know, maybe we could be roommates next year."

Elle glanced around at Jodie's apartment. It was a one-bedroom apartment: Jodie preferred not to have roommates, for greater ease of entertaining men. "Here?"

"No, silly, we'd get a bigger one," Jodie snorted. "It'd be a nice change of scenery, don't you think? And it'd get you away from the Lovebug Couple."

"Let me think about it," said Elle, although she knew she'd probably agree. Maybe. She wasn't sure she wanted to room with Jodie. She missed Nicole. She missed the friend she'd had, before David came and took her away. She missed the friend she'd had in David, before Nicole took him away. ... I'm not likely to get either one of them back, am I? But still, she couldn't help but hold out hope. Maybe something would happen to make it all bearable. Maybe some miracle would occur. Maybe...

In this state of high agitation she managed to pass most of a month. Nothing, it seemed, could give her relief. Moments with Tom were tainted, inevitably, by the question of how to proceed (if at all!) with her investigation; she might forget it until the very last minute, when he was dropping her off at her apartment, but then something in his behavior—the inflection of a word, the shift of an eye—would remind her, and ruin everything. Home life was no better, with Nicole increasingly withdrawing to spend time with David. Jodie, though friendly and possessed of a robust humor, was simply not sentimental; to her mind, Elle did not need help, would simply work things out on her own, and if she did need help she'd ask. But Elle did not want to ask. She wanted to be asked. She wanted to be around someone who would notice her mood and take pity on her. Jodie was not that person. Even her sex life was damaged; sex, which had once been to her a joy, a diversion, an escape. She felt trapped. By everything around her, she felt trapped.

Finally it was Valentine's Day, the third anniversary of her first time with Tom (though they had done it at least a hundred times since then, and maybe even five hundred). Tom declared that he had planned a surprise, and she was a little dismayed when this surprise ended up just going back to his parents' house. She was a little more understanding when the surprise involved that they were out for the evening, and the two of them would have some fun cooking (or attempting to) a meal for themselves. It was perhaps a little more work than she'd expected, but Tom had become a little more domestic in his plans recently, and she could only assume that he was starting to think more seriously about a future with her. Plus, it probably would be at least a little fun.