Chapter 5

Harden, Utah 2010

When I was thirteen everything changed. Me and the world. Everything.

"This isn't the Dairy Queen," I giggled nervously.

It was a good kind of nervous though, like helium inside my heart, lifting it up and I had to swallow hard to keep it inside my chest where it belonged.

"Yeah," Josh sighed and I thought he was the most handsome man in the world.

Not a boy. Josh was a man, eighteen years old and tall and strong. His hair was short and brown, his eyes colored like rich Kansas earth. Brown and flecked with gold and shining under the moon and a million stars. They were ripe with promise and everytime he looked at me it hurt, but only because I never wanted him to stop. He could look at me forever and I'd be happy.

"I'm gonna go there someday," I said, looking up at the night sky and that seemed an awful lot like looking down. I felt like I was falling.

"Where?" Josh laughed softly. "The Dairy Queen?"

"No!" I laughed too. "Up there."

"That's a long ways away." Josh decided and we were laying on a blanket, on the cool grass and the dew was starting. I could feel the air damp as it blew across my ankles.

"Uh-huh," I nodded. "I'm going to be an astronaut. The first woman on Mars maybe."

"I'm going to be the foreman at my dad's lumber mill," Josh said and we were quiet for a couple minutes. "You think there's trees on Mars?"

"Yeah," I said, taking a happy breath and I turned onto my left side, facing Josh as he lay on his back.

"Good," he nodded. "If you go to Mars you're gonna need a house."

"A big one," I agreed.

He was turning on his right side, facing me and I felt so small. The sky was so big and Josh was so strong and the earth was moving beneath us, and I was so small I couldn't even tell.

"I love you Jennifer," he told me and I believed him.

"I'm only thirteen," I giggled.

"So?" Josh moved his hand, his left one towards me, but he didn't touch me at all and I was stroking that blanket like a kitten.

"So ... I don't know," I shrugged. "I'm not even a real person yet, maybe."

"Yeah you are," Josh smiled at me. "You're the most real person I know."

"You only met me Monday," I closed my eyes. "Not even a week yet."

"I know," he said softly.

"You don't think it takes longer than that?" I looked at him again and he was brighter, just a little.

"No." Josh pulled his lips down. "I knew as soon as I saw you."

"You did not!" I giggled.

"Yeah, I did," he nodded seriously.

"Okay." I sucked my bottom lip and I wondered how long I was gonna have to wait until he kissed me, because we could both feel it coming. Like there was lightning in the air waiting to strike.

"Do you love me?" he asked and there was a tremor in his voice, right at the end, and I wanted to catch it in my hands and hold it.

"Josh?" I couldn't answer him right away.

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared," I whispered and my tummy hurt and I touched it, poking it and looking down cause his eyes were too soft.

"Me too," Josh told me. "I'm scared of you."

"Yeah," I nodded. "It's like being afraid of God, sorta."

"I know," he was whispering too.

"What if you stop loving me someday?" I asked him.

"I won't."

"That'll hurt so much." I blinked because my eyes were getting wet.

"I'll never hurt you, Jen." Josh wanted to touch me, but he didn't.

"I want to say it." I grabbed a fistful of blanket and squeezed. "More than anything in the world."

"But you're just thirteen," the boy smiled sadly and I nodded and we didn't say anything for a long time.

"Would you wait for me, Josh?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he swallowed thickly and his eyes didn't waver from mine.

"Even if I went all the way to Mars?"

"Yeah."

"I love you, Josh."

He touched me, the tips of his fingers finding my cheek wet and warm, and I turned my head, kissing his hand. I don't know why, I just did it like that and he moved closer, we both did. I put my right hand on his side, feeling his body beneath his shirt and we were so close then. His breath was on my face and I moved, my nose touching his, rubbing against each other just like that.

"What did my dad tell you?" I asked him, feeling his lips brushing mine as I spoke.

"That I have to respect you," Josh smiled. "That no means no."

I giggled and blinked my eyes and Josh was so close all I could see was him. Our eye lashes were almost touching and I felt his thighs against mine, my long skirt askew now, scrunched up so I could feel the cool denim of his jeans against my knees.

"Would you respect me if I said yes?" I asked softly and his eyes widened like I'd known they would.

"I can wait," he told me.

"But you don't want to, do you?" I breathed, leaving my mouth open, tasting the humid air from his lungs as it washed over my tongue.

"I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life," Josh agreed and his own tongue was just there, moving slowly between his lips.

"I know," I giggled and he smiled, but Josh didn't understand yet. He didn't know I was really different, but he could smell me.

"I can't help how I feel, Jen."

"You can touch me," I swallowed hard, blinking into his eyes. "I mean, wherever you want."

"Alright."

"I'm going to touch you, okay?" I asked, moving my hand down his body and Josh was doing the same with mine.

"Yeah," he agreed and then we didn't say anything else for a little bit.

I was frightened, but only because this was new for me and what I most wanted. I was afraid it was too good and I'd have it taken away, like waking up from a dream. People don't get the very best things, do they? The stuff they want most in the whole world, we're not supposed to get that. We live in the middle, making the best out of what we have, that's what my mom had told me once and she was never wrong. That's what was scaring me.

I moved my small hand tentatively to the front of Josh's jeans, to where his penis lay trapped, and I hitched a sharp breath as I felt him there. He was hard already, the swollen outline of his cock plain to my fingertips as I traced it slowly and finally curled my hand into half a fist to hold him through the dense material. He wanted me and I felt his manhood throb, rewarding my touch with a small spasm of pleasure, and there came a soft murmur of approval from Josh's throat, like a growl that settled upon my heart,

He was touching me as well, his hand moving across my boyish hip, hardly soft or round at all yet, to my thigh and down. Josh found the hem of my skirt and then my bare leg, sending a small shiver through me. He was moving so slowly, being so gentle. His hand traveling back up, bringing my skirt with it, his warm calloused palm rubbing my smooth thigh. I was sensitive to every detail, no matter how small, and I imagined I could feel the ridges and grooves of his fingerprints as he explored my trembling flesh.

Josh brought his hand closer and I was touching him by then and now I spread my legs, lifting the right and bending my knee. I was inviting him to touch me and discover all of my secrets. I would hide nothing from him and I gasped sharply as I felt his fingers brush over my panties, the thin pink cotton pulled taut over my aching sex.

He blinked and I moved my own hand to Josh's waist, digging my fingers into his body and wanting desperately to keep him close. His fingers moved slowly, exploring blindly what he didn't understand. I felt Josh's hand closing around the shape of my penis, standing stiff and swollen with my arousal, tenting my panties and already wet with precum. He let go quickly, with a small jerk and his eyes looked confused and then injured, and I did the only thing I could.

I kissed him.

My tongue slipped between Josh's parted lips and then deeper, into the boy's mouth. I tickled him with the tip, coaxing Josh to respond, to forgive my body for being different and not what he'd expected. Josh had been looking for a girl's vulva, a thirteen year old vagina and budding clitoris, a narrow slit with frail lips tucked inside like a flower longing to bloom.

Instead he found a boy hiding there, a cock like his own, ardent and burning with a young girl's passion. I was in love, that was all he had to understand and I tried to explain that with my mouth and with my hands. I was moving, lifting my body so I could touch Josh's face with my left hand, my right returning to his trousers, to his hard cock which hadn't diminished at all with his surprise. He still wanted me, his mind and body filled with desires that he was trying to rationalize. Some part of him resisted, but only weakly and only for as long as it took for him to realize that I was the same person I'd been a moment before.

Nothing had changed ... and yet, everything had changed.

Josh kissed me back, welcoming my tongue and greeting it with his own. I was half—laying atop him now, my smallish breasts pressed against his chest, my fingers playing in his short hair, and my other hand against his swollen cock, massaging him gently through his pants. He was held me with both hands on my back, rubbing up and down, warming me even more than I already was and I felt as if we were on fire. When I retreated from his mouth, Josh followed quickly and I moaned as his tongue filled me. I sucked it eagerly and whatever I lacked in experience, my new boyfriend happily overlooked it.

We were kissing hard, our heads moving, working our tightly sealed lips against each other so that every part of our union was locked safely away. The air we breathed belonged only to each other, shared between us like our hot saliva as we swallowed the spend of our passion. Josh's fingers found the buttons on the back of my dress and he was undoing them one at a time. They were clumsy and awkward and teasing me as I felt the cool night air on my flushed skin. I wore no bra and his fingers were soon moving freely across my back. From the odd dimple just above my ass, along my curving spine, to my shoulders; Josh was touching every part of me.

I shrugged my dress off with muffled groans, neither of us willing to break our kiss, but eager to have me undressed completely for him. The front fell low, exposing my puffy nipples, burning cold and itching, and immediately Josh found my breasts with his hands. I gasped and forced my tongue back into his mouth as I pressed my barely developed and girlish chest against his palms. The pressure was heavenly and I wanted more of it. I moved over him, spreading my legs and straddling Josh as he lay on his back. My dress was bunched around my waist and my cock pressed beyond the waistband of my panties as I ground my ass down against the hidden lump of Josh's erection.

Josh took my waist in his strong hands, holding me in place as he lifted with his hips and we were dry humping, his cock pressing against my ass while I dropped my body against his. I was moving wildly, unable to control myself. I rubbed my raw nipples against his chest, feeling the soft cotton of his shirt like sandpaper against my skin. I lifted my mouth finally, after untold minutes of kissing, just so I could moan loudly into the stillness of the night. I was red faced and panting for air, Josh breathing deep beneath me, smiling and licking his lips. My own felt swollen and bruised and I giggled weakly, rolling my hips and grinding my ass against his cock.

"Do you want to see it?" I asked him, barely able to get the words out and Josh nodded.

"Yeah," he told me. "I want to see everything, okay?"

"Okay," I smiled and his rejection of me was gone, replaced with love and desire, and a curiosity untainted by fear.

I sat up, so that I knelt astride his hips and I pulled my dress up and off, shaking my blonde hair loose. I dropped my dress beside us and looked down at Josh, letting him see me in just my pink panties now. I pulled the front to the side, stretching the thin material and reaching with my other hand to pull my swollen cock and plump little balls free through the left leg band. It stood out from my body, seven inches long and four inches around, wet and glistening in the moonlight with precum. It was large, as big as it had ever been in my life, just like Mommy wanted it ... Just like Josh wanted it now.

He was smiling as I crawled up his body, sliding my knees forward, left and right and then again, dragging my balls across his shirt and I was bringing my cock to my boyfriend's face, to his mouth as he stared at it. This was we what be both wanted and I didn't know why exactly, but I wasn't fighting it either. My body was producing chemicals, pheromones to fill Josh with a sexual hunger for me and I wondered if his own body wasn't doing the same. It felt like it to me. I wanted to make love to him. I wanted him to love me and this was the proof, the ultimate demonstration of his acceptance.

"Kiss it for me," I whispered and my cock was hanging over Josh's mouth, just an inch above his lips, and I sighed as I felt him lift his head and touch the underside of my glans.

"You're beautiful, Jen," Josh whispered and I didn't doubt him.

Josh kept his hands on my waist and I was the one holding my cock in my small hand, pressing it down so Josh could open his mouth and take me inside. I was making soft happy sounds to join the soft wet sounds Josh was making. He wasn't really good at sucking cock, because he'd never done it before, but he was loving me. He took the head into his mouth and I could feel his tongue working around it. He was licking me and sucking gently, his cheeks going hollow every now and again before his lips would slip and break the suction with a funny slurpy sound. He was pulling me too, bringing me closer, taking more and learning how to do it. I was barely able to control myself, wanting to shove my cock inside him hard, but I didn't.

"Oh ... God! Josh!" I was trembling all over and my tummy was tight again, roiling with butterflies as my orgasm came closer.

"Mmphh..." He wasn't letting me go, he just kept his eyes looking up, his lips tight around my cock and I was moving, sliding my dick back and forth like I was fucking him.

"I'm gonna ... cum!" I warned him and I even tried to pull away, just in case he wasn't going to like it, but Josh was holding me tight and he kept his mouth on me.

"Ahhhh! Josh!" I closed my eyes, and thrust my pelvis forward as my balls leaped with a sudden explosion of pleasure.