Chapter 19

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

We were lucky I got the Zuk as driving in it didn't attract the attention a Humvee would have. It wasn't armored, but it was wicked fast. And around here having a rabbit is sometimes better than having a turtle. We pulled out of the warehouse and headed towards the small private airport. I kept an eye on things and noticed as we picked up a tail.

I yelled at Natasha over the noise of the motor, "Natasha, don't look now but there's a Humvee following us."

She turned and looked and I yelled, "Shit! I told you not to look. Get the fifty ready I think we're going to need it soon."

Natasha yelled back, "Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be bitchy here. After all doesn't that come with being pregnant?"

She started getting the fifty ready and I concentrated on driving. I yelled, "I'm sure they're going to try to trap us soon. So when I give the signal, hump the fifty on its mount!"

I glanced over and saw she was thinking because she loaded it with AP (armor piercing) rounds. We whipped around a corner and the road was blocked, I yelled, "Now Natasha!" and cranked the wheel hard on the Zuk, did a 180 and floored it.

Natasha got the fifty set up in record time, jumped into the back of the Zuk and started blasting the hell out of the Humvee which had been following us. We lucked out because this one wasn't armored and she shot the hell out of the engine. It died a huge smoking death as we flew by it.

I looked behind me and the two Humvees which were blocking the road were now moving. I pointed behind us and said, "Hang on! I think I can outrun them." I floored it and I thought we were flying.

Natasha yelled, "You drive this thing like a fricken grandma! Stop and let's switch places."

I answered, "Get ready around the next corner." We slid around the corner and I stomped on the brakes. I jumped into the empty passenger seat while Natasha took my place behind the wheel. I spun the fifty around and started firing at the Humvees. Natasha yelled, "Hang on!" And we started one of the scariest damn rides in my whole life. She screamed around one corner (I swear we were on two wheels) and I almost fell out so I decided to sit down and fasten my seatbelt. I couldn't stand to watch so I shut my eyes.

After another fifteen minutes she slowed up and I opened my eyes, "Shit! I don't know if I ever want to let you drive again!"

She replied, "At least I outran them. If you were still driving they would have caught us. We're almost to the airport so I'm stopping to let you drive."

She pulled over, we changed places and she pulled the fifty back off its mount. I looked and the airport was just ahead. Being chased combined with Natasha's driving meant we made it to the airport in record time. There was still an hour and a half until Matt and Jim arrived.

As I drove around the parking lot I realized I'd made one small mistake - most of the vehicles here were upscale luxury cars and the Zuk looked way out of place. It attracted the attention of the rent a cops patrolling the lot. They flipped on the gumball lights of their car and pulled in front of me. I gassed the Zuk, spun it around and headed back out of the lot.

Natasha laughed and said, "I guess we need a slightly better vehicle to be coming here."

We drove for about ten minutes when Natasha saw a car dealership and said, "Head there and we'll buy something with some class."

I complained, "Buy something? How are we going to pay for anything?"

She said with exasperation, "Linus, just do what I said and pull into the fricken lot. You're my chauffer and we're getting me a new car."

We roared into the lot and pulled into a parking place. Things didn't look good because no one came out to help us.

I looked over at her, "Natasha this isn't going to work."

She struggled to get out of the Zuk and answered, "It sure as hell is going to work. Get your fat Seal ass over here and help me. Damn, it's impossible to find good help now days."

I jumped out of the Zuk, helped her and asked, "Are you really this incapacitated?"

She spit at me, "Did you take your fricken moron pills today. Of course I'm not incapacitated, I'm just acting."

I helped her out of the Zuk, she looked across the car lot, saw a red BWM 745 and said, "Linus, that's the car I want. Go check it out and if it looks good go in and tell the sales manager he insulted the very pregnant wife of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. And because of it we will offer him half of what he's asking for the car."

I said, "Shit Natasha! We can't tell him this, isn't he the..."

Natasha interrupted me and bit my head off, "Linus, of course he is and stop being such a fucking pansy. I'm in a fricken burka and no one can tell what the fuck I look like. Go lie your ass off and get me the car."

I walked over to the Beemer. It was locked but I looked at it over as well as I could. Finally a salesman came out and said, "We are sorry but this is a very expensive car. Perhaps you would like one more affordable."

I replied, "The very pregnant wife of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was interested in this car. I'm her chauffer and her car was damaged beyond repair. So we had to use that worthless piece of junk. She is embarrassed to be seen in it and now has been terribly insulted by her treatment here so I think we will be leaving."

I walked back towards the Zuk and he yelled, "Please we did not know. Do not leave." I kept going and he ran inside. I reached the Zuk and helped Natasha get back in when a fat bastard came out and talked to Natasha, she ignored him.

As he reached towards her, I pulled my pistol, pointed it at him and yelled, "You do not have any manners! First we are not greeted properly, then your salesman insults us, next you speak to the wife of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and finally you try to touch her. Do you have a death wish?"

He turned white and whimpered, "Please, we did not know. Let us make this up to you."

Natasha motioned for me to move him away so I pushed him back towards the office. Then she motioned me over and whispered, "Linus, did you ever want to play Grand Theft Auto in real life?"

I looked at her through the slit in her burka and said, "Natasha you must be kidding me?"

She snapped at me and answered, "Linus I was going to pay this fat bastard for the car, but now he's pissed me off. Get the bastard to let you take it for a test drive. While he's distracted I'll take off in the cute little Suzuki and we'll meet back at the warehouse and switch cars."

I asked, "Won't we be late picking up Matt and Jim?"

She spat, "If we are, it will do them some fricken good. Now get your ass moving and drive it like you stole it."

I walked back to the sales manager and said, "She has been gracious enough to give you one more chance. She has ordered me to take the car for a test drive. If the car is mechanically sound we will buy it."

I could almost see the cash register bells ringing in his head, he said, "I will go get you the keys. Would you ask the wife of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad if she would care to wait inside?"

I went over and Natasha said, "Tell him I am too offended."

I walked back and told the sales manager, "She is too offended to bless your business with her presence. Are you going to get me those keys or do we leave now?"

He ran inside and came out with the keys. I said, "One more thing, she does not want to be bothered or even talked to. Make sure all your men know."

He walked me to the car, handed me the keys and said, "I know you will like this car. I will make sure she is not bothered."

I unlocked the car, jumped in, fired it up and drove off the lot...

Flashback Natasha (Jens) — Kabul Afghanistan

I know we should have paid for the car and I even had Stockman's money with me. But the slimy fat bastard used fricken car salesman pissed me off and I was going to teach him a lesson. Besides we're not really stealing the car, we're just borrowing it and we'll bring it back when we're done. Of course it might not be in the same pristine condition.

The fat bastard watched as Linus drove off the lot then he waved at me and walked back inside the office. I took a close look at the showroom and came up with a crazy idea. I jumped over the center gearshift into the driver's seat and started up the cute little Suzuki. Then I jumped the curb, crashed through the showroom window, honked the horn, flipped off the fat bastard and yelled, "Mess with the best, die like the rest!" I dodged all the cars on the showroom floor and then crashed through the window on the other side. It didn't take long to catch up to Linus. This cute little Suzuki is so fast!

We attracted too much attention so I came up with another plan. I tailgated Linus and honked the horn. He thought something was wrong so he pulled over to the side of the road. I floored it, blew past him and honked the horn. I let him eat my dust as we sped to the warehouse. He was chasing me and honking the horn on the Beemer.

I slid the cute little Suzuki to a stop right before the door. Linus pulled up beside me and was he ever pissed off. He said, "What the fuck do you think you're doing!"

I laughed and said, "I was practicing driving so when we get back to Colorado I'll be ready for my Cobra."

He opened the warehouse door and ordered, "Get the Zuk and your ass in the warehouse ASAP!"

I floored it and kicked up a bunch of dust which covered Linus. He yelled, "Hey, what the fuck are you doing." Then I slid to a stop in the back of the warehouse.

Linus drove the Beemer in and then shut the door. He jumped out of the car and came over by me, "Do you realize people saw you driving the Zuk like an idiot?"

I yanked off the fricken burka hood, smiled and said, "Yes they did and they saw you chasing me in the Beemer."

I watched as he figured out what I did. Then he said, "Sorry Natasha, I didn't realize what you were doing."

I grinned, "Yep they thought I was trying to get away from my fricken bastard pretend husband and they thought you were trying to catch me. If they had just seen me driving the cute little Suzuki they would have been more suspicious."

"That was a good plan Natasha, just let me know when you come up with a crazy idea again."

I grinned and asked, "You mean like crashing through the showroom windows with the cute little Suzuki and flipping off the fat bastard?"

He looked at me and said, "Tell me you didn't do that?"

I answered with, "How do you think so much glass got in the Suzuki?"

He looked inside saw all the glass and said, "You're going to clean up the mess."

I grinned, put one hand on my forehead and the other hand on my back and answered, "Sorry, not tonight dear, I'm pregnant. I have a headache and a back ache."

He said, "Shit! Don't pull that pregnant crap with me."

"I'm just getting in character." Then I bitched at Linus, "How the hell did you get your man-dress so dusty. Go and change right now because I'm not having any pretend husband of mine going out looking like a dirty camel jockey."

He grumped, "Well you made me this way." Then he took off to change.

I thought, perhaps being pretend pregnant isn't so bad because it gives me an excuse to be bitchy and a drama queen.

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

I changed into a clean man dress and ordered Natasha to help move some the gear into the Beemer. She said, "Sorry Linus, but a lady in my condition shouldn't be moving heavy things." Then she sat on a chair, grinned and watched me.

I said, "I should kick your ass."

She replied, "Linus, we've already had this discussion and you'd better stop threatening me. You don't want me to get upset and lose the baby."

I had my fill of this pretend pregnancy excuse. I looked over and said, "Okay, if you don't get off your ass and help me, I'm going to order you to wear the burka twenty-four seven - even when you sleep."

Natasha jumped right up and said, "I might wear this belly twenty-four seven, but no way in hell do I want to wear this fucking burka that much." Then she grabbed some gear and moved it for me, bitching the whole time that a woman in her condition shouldn't be doing this.

We finished and I said, "Let's go."

Natasha stood by the passenger door and answered, "So you're not going to get the door for your pretend pregnant wife."

I started the Beemer, rolled down the passenger window and said, "Hell no! In fact you're going to get the garage door because you're getting fat and need the exercise."

She grumped, "Damn, pretend Muslim husbands aren't worth the powder it'd take to blow them up."

She opened the door. I drove the Beemer out and watched as she close the door. I waited for her to get close to the car, then pulled up about ten feet and stopped. She walked towards the car and I moved it again. She whipped out her pistol, pointed it at the tire and yelled, "Do it again and you're changing the tire."

I backed up so the door was beside her, hit the locks and said, "I just thought you needed some more practice waddling."

She jumped in the car and said, "No wonder you're not married. You have no idea how to treat a lady."

I looked over and teased, "Lady? I don't see any ladies here."

She nailed my arm, went to say something but I interrupted and said, "See, I rest my case. A lady wouldn't have hit me."

She snapped at me, "Perhaps I'm treating you the way you're treating me, because you're certainly no gentleman!"

I glanced at her and said, "We fight like an old married couple. Tell me do you and Ben fight this much?"

I knew I'd asked the wrong question when I heard some sniffles from under her burka, "No, we haven't been together long enough to fight much at all. I hope someday we'll be an old married couple."

I needed to get her mind back on the mission, "Well that's why we're doing all this. And the better you are in the burka, the more likely this mission will succeed and then you and Ben can be an old married couple.

I heard her say, "Linus, when I sleep I have dreams where I see bits and pieces of what they do to him, it's so bad I hate to fall asleep. I hope he can survive until we rescue him."

I laughed to lighten the mood and said, "Natasha, if anyone can get through this Ben can. He's one of the strongest men I know."

We pulled into the parking lot at the airport. This time we didn't draw any attention so I pulled into a parking place and ordered, "Natasha, since we're still early you're going to practice being a good little pregnant Muslim wife. Get your fat ass out of the car and spend some time walking through the airport. I'll be close just in case."

Natasha sassed, "Yes Sultan de Sade." I laughed because she referred to my tortures of her all day.

"Okay, get your ass out there and fool some Afghanis." She struggled to get out of the car seat and it was a good act. I waited and then fell in about fifteen meters behind her.

Flashback Natasha (Jens) — Kabul Afghanistan

I was pretty nervous as I got out of the Beemer, pretending to be pregnant for Linus was one thing, but in public it felt totally different. The weight of the belly was annoying but it was a constant reminder of how I needed to act. It was time for this drama queen's debut. I made a big production getting out of the Beemer and then kept my excitement under control as I waddled into the terminal. I was getting some glances from people but didn't attract too much attention other than a couple of security guards.

They were giving me the evil eye and I decided I needed to play it cool. I walked right up to them and asked where the toilets were. One looked at me, turned, pointed and said, "The toilets are over there. Tell me, why are you in this airport?"

I answered, "I am here with my chauffer." I pointed to Linus who was following me, then continued, "waiting for my husband to arrive."

Linus walked up and corroborated my story then we walked towards the toilet. When we were out of hearing he said, "Damn good job being proactive and talking to them first. They were going to bust you because they thought you might be a terrorist."

I thought what sort of fucked up country is it when the security can wonder if a 'pregnant' woman is a terrorist. I asked Linus, "Are you sure I'm wearing the belly and burka correctly?"

He answered, "It's prefect! Don't worry because the security guards don't trust anyone."

I needed to keep up my charade. I headed into the toilet and was shocked because for once it wasn't a disaster like so many toilets in this country. I waited around in one of the stalls, washed my hands, made sure my fricken burka looked fine and headed back out the door.

Linus told me as I walked out, "Matt and Jim are here walking around in their man dresses looking for us."

I replied, "I think I will have some fun with them. Follow me but stay far enough back so they don't see you."

I walked over behind them and started working my way closer.

Flashback Matt and Jim — Kabul Afghanistan

So far everything was smooth as a baby's bottom. We didn't like having to wear these man dresses, but knew it was part of the mission. Jim said to me, "I don't see Jens anywhere."

I replied, "Jim, remember our orders on the flight, we need to call her Natasha."

"Thanks Matt, she'd kick my butt if I made the mistake in person."

We walked through the terminal and looked for Natasha and Linus. I asked, "Jim, do you know what Linus looks like?"

Jim replied, "I've only seen him once or twice and I'm not sure I'd recognize him."

I looked around and noticed we were being followed, "Hey Jim, don't turn around but it looks like some fat pregnant cow is following us."

Jim didn't listen and did look back. He said, "Shit that's one fat pregnant cow. What the hell does she want?"

"Jim, I said don't look. Oh shit she's getting closer now. Let's get the fuck out of here."

We started walking faster to a different part of the terminal hoping to lose her. Jim looked back and said, "Shit! She's still following us."

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

I watched as Natasha chased - no, it was more liked stalked Matt and Jim. It was funnier than hell! She purposely let herself be seen and then the guys got worried and started trying to get away from her. They sped up and she sped up chasing them. I guess she fooled them so she passed this test.

Finally they ran into the men's toilet and she stood outside the door and started wailing, "Husband, please come back to me. I am sorry I offended you."

I walked up to her and smiled, "I think I'll go in and stir the pot."

I went into the toilet and Matt and Jim were just standing there listening to Natasha still wailing as they talked to each other.

Mat said, "Shit Jim! What's the crazy fat pregnant cow doing?"

Jim answered, "I don't have any idea. But she's raising holy hell and someone has to stop her."

I walked up and confronted them, "Which one of you is the infidel husband of the very pregnant woman outside?"

They both got a worried look on their faces and Jim said, "It's not me."

Matt piped up, "It's not me either! I think she's just crazy because of her hormones."

I looked at both of them and answered, "Matt, Jim, that's Natasha and I'm Linus. I guess you two failed the test and can stay here."

Matt replied, "Shit! I knew something was wrong."

Jim said, "Come on Linus, we don't have any place to go."

I asked, "So she really fooled both of you."

I said, "Yeah, but it's not like you can tell who she is with the burka on."

Jim added and said, "And she looks fucking huge with the belly. It's a great disguise."

I said, "One of you needs to pretend to be her husband because that's what we told the security guards earlier."

I offered, "I'll pretend to be her husband and Jim can be my business associate."

We walked outside and Natasha stopped wailing. She walked up and whispered, "Crazy fat pregnant cow my ass! You two are going to pay for those comments." I pulled Matt's arm, we walked past her, she fell in right behind us like a good little Muslim wife and we headed out the terminal to the Beemer.

Flashback Natasha (Jens) — Kabul Afghanistan

Well, I passed my first test, but I knew I would. Matt and Jim are good, but not that good. I gloated and stuck out my tongue under my burka as we walked right by the two security guards. I guess there are some benefits to wearing this piece of shit!

I sat in the back of the Beemer beside Jim, Matt took the passenger seat and Linus drove. Jim said, "Nice car you have here. It must have cost a fortune."

I laughed and replied, "We got on a special financing plan, called Grand Theft Auto."

Matt commented, "You guys stole this car?"

I replied, "No we temporarily borrowed it because our other vehicle attracted too much attention at the airport." I was going to say more when Linus interrupted, "Shit rollers!"

I turned as well as I could in this fat fricken belly and saw a police vehicle behind us. I said, "Linus, if you can't get away from them. Then at least get some room between us and then pull over and let me drive." Well that motivated him and he was finally driving it almost like he stole it.

Matt yelled, "Shit Linus! Don't kill us."

He yelled back, "Matt, don't give me any crap. I'm doing us a favor keeping Natasha from driving. She literally scared the shit out of me driving the Zuk earlier."

I still wasn't happy because he wasn't losing them and said, "Linus when you pull around the next corner stop. I'm going to drive."

Linus said, "Then I'm riding in the back with my eyes closed."

Jim asked, "You guys got any weapons in here?"

I bitched at him, "Did you freeze your brain and your dick in Thule? We have a fucking arsenal in here."

Jim asked, "When did you turn into a bitch?"

I laughed, "That's Ms. Bitch to you! Bitchiness arrived when I put on this fucking belly and burka so get used to it." I opened a bag and handed him an AK, "What do you have in mind?"

He locked and loaded it and replied, "When you two switch places, I'm going to give us some cover fire to buy us some time."

I started taking off the belly so I could move faster and ordered, "Just make sure you don't get left behind."

Jim's eyes bugged out of his head when he saw the belly and he said, "Damn! No wonder you're so cranky."

I handed it to him and answered, "You mean bitchy. Find someplace to put this piece of shit."

Linus said, "Get ready!" Then he slid the car to a stop. I bailed out the back door and ran around to the front door while he headed back to my seat. Jim jumped out and opened up on the cop vehicle. They returned fire but with all the distractions weren't hitting shit.

I jumped in the front seat and yelled, "Get in or get left!" Heard two doors slam and then floored the Beemer.

Flashback Matt and Jim — Kabul Afghanistan

Holy crap! Linus was right! I grabbed on to anything I could to keep from being thrown around and yelled, "Natasha, you're going to kill all of us."

She bitched back, "STFU and let me drive."

And drive she did! We slid around corners and spun the tires. She'd dodge pedestrians and animals but not before she'd scare the crap out of them. I was sure any moment we would hit something, but she'd spin the steering wheel just in time and we'd miss it.

I turned and looked behind me - Linus had his eyes closed and Jim was as white as a sheet. I turned back around just in time to see a road block. Natasha cranked the wheel and we headed down a narrow assed alley. She was on the horn and people were scattering everywhere. We flew out the other side of the alley, she spun the wheel, slid the car sideways, smoked the tires and we headed back the way we just came.

She yelled, "Wooo Hoooo! That got rid of the fucking cops." But she still didn't slow down for another ten minutes. I spent the whole time making deals with God!

A couple minutes after we slowed Natasha laughed, "Ultimate driving machine my ass, this thing waddles worse than me in the fricken fake belly. It handles so bad I was sure I was going to hit something."

I was too stunned to say anything and I think Linus and Jim were still recovering. Natasha asked, "What's wrong boys? Cat got your tongue?"

Jim finally said, "Is there a bus stop somewhere close."

I laughed and Linus said, "You can drop me here. It'd be safer to be caught by the cops."

I added, " ... or even the Taliban."

We laughed up a storm at our jokes until Natasha punched the Beemer and it leapt forward. She said, "Keep it up boys and I'll show you how the ultimate woman can really drive this ultimate piece of crap." That shut us the hell up as we grabbed for something to hold onto.

Flashback Natasha (Jens) — Kabul Afghanistan

At least I'd found a way to make these sorry assed excuses for clown impersonators shut the hell up. I kept the pedal to the metal for about ten minutes and drove even worse just to get even for their childish comments. I even did donuts a couple times in the middle of intersections. I looked at Matt beside me - he had his eyes closed and looked like he'd seen a ghost. I glanced in the rear view mirror and noticed both Linus and Jim had their eyes closed. Linus looked like he was going to puke.

I let out a scream, and yelled, "Oh Shit!" I then slowed up again and asked, "Are there anymore jokes about my driving from the insane clown posse?"

There was total silence in the Beemer. I sniffed the air and rolled down the windows just a bit because someone had an 'accident'! Even though it was from my driving, it wasn't me. The Beemer was fine — well perhaps driven hard and put away wet.

I nonchalantly asked, "Linus, do you think the cops were chasing us because of the Beemer."

He cleared his voice and answered, "Natasha, I can't think anything right now."

So I asked, Matt and Jim, "Well what do you two think?"

Jim replied, "I'm just glad to be alive."

Matt answered, "I think I need to call my wife Molly and tell her how much I love her."

I said, "Seriously, what do you two think about the police chasing us?"

Jim answered, "I'm just glad to be alive."

Matt said, "They probably were. Are we going to stop soon?"

I giggled and said, "What's wrong, don't you like the way I drive?"

Linus answered, "Natasha you are an excellent driver."

I punched the Beemer just a little and asked, "Was that some sort of 'Rainman' joke."

He sputtered, "Hell no Natasha, I meant it."

I slowed back up and asked, "Linus, would you care to drive?"

Both Matt and Jim begged, "Please Linus, drive."

I shouted and punched it just a little, "Don't tell me that's another joke about my driving."

They got silent and I laughed, "I'm tired and going to pull over. Linus you need to take over."

I pulled over and stopped, glad I'd beaten all the testosterone in the Beemer into submission. I laughed and said, "Mess with the best, die like the rest!"

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

Jens' words reminded me of the rest of the TSIFFTS mission with the guys. Working with them was working with some of the best. With the cops no longer a problem it was a sedate drive back to the warehouse and I let my mind wander.

Flashback Linus — TSIFFTS Mission

As we waited for Thom to get back with the phone truck and uniforms I told the guys about my prank on Thom. They laughed and almost fell on the floor.

Jim said, "It's about fucking time someone got even with Thom. He pranks the hell out of all of us and we're tired of it. So when are you going to tell him?"

I thought about it and said, "I'm not sure, because I want him to suffer some more."

Todd signed and Byron translated, "Todd wants to know if you're worried it will endanger the mission?"

I smiled and said, "No, I made sure of it." Then I continued, "Well, let's see if we can determine the identity of the mystery man who Thom let escape."

I went to the computers and brought up the e-mail from Thom's phone with the picture. Extracted the picture and then used Photoshop to enhance the quality. I looked at it and could tell right away the guy had military training and was sure he let Thom catch him. I fired up the facial recognition program, loaded the picture in and then let the program scan and compare his face against all the databases we had access to.

I leaned back in the chair and Byron asked, "So what do you think of Thom's mystery man?"

I spun the chair around and replied, "He's certainly military or ex-military. I'm sure he let Thom catch him. I wish we could ask him what he wanted."

Byron said, "You think he's going to interfere with the mission?"

I answered, "I think he wants something, but I don't know what."