Chapter 17

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

Natasha paced back and forth for hours, swearing like a sailor the whole time. She stopped every ten minutes or so to beat the shit out of the bag. She was a caged tiger and I needed to distract her. I asked, "Hey Natasha, you want to do something useful?"

She came near me and replied, "I am doing something useful, I'm figuring out how I'm going to kill the bitch."

I didn't like it because she's begun calling Evelyn the 'bitch.' I continued, "Since you're pacing so much I thought it might be a good idea to practice walking in a burka."

Her eyes shot daggers at me as she spat, "I'm mad as hell about the bitch and you're trying to upset me even more by having me wear that fucking medieval torture device?"

I tried to reason with her, "Look you have every right in the world to be pissed at Evelyn."

She interrupted, "You mean the fucking bitch."

I jumped up, walked over and got in her face, "Listen here Sgt. Donaldson! You made me second in command and I'm going to execute the privilege. You've lost sight of the primary goal of this mission which is rescuing Ben! Instead you're focusing on getting revenge for what Evelyn's done to both of you while your fiancé, who you claim to love, continues to go through Lord only knows what. Get your head out of your ass, get your ass in a burka and strut your ass like a good little Muslim woman!"

I stormed away and sat back down at the computer. Jens started crying, but she walked to her bunk, grabbed a burka and carelessly threw it on.

I ordered, "Sgt. Donaldson get your ass over here so I can show you how you're supposed to wear the burka."

She walked over and I yelled, "Damn! You'd better learn this stuff or we're leaving your ass here on the rescue mission." I stood up, adjusted the burka and continued, "This is how this fucking burka is supposed to fit, go look in the mirror and memorize it. And while you're at it watch how you're walking in the mirror and get it right."

She answered, "Yes Sir!" Then she walked to the mirror.

I laughed internally as she walked away and thought — at least she had something to distract her now.

Flashback Natasha (Jens) — Kabul Afghanistan

I'm thankful Linus chewed my ass - he was right and now I felt like shit. I'd been planning all morning how I was going to get even with the bitch and totally forgot about Ben. What the fuck sort of fiancée was I? I hated wearing this burka, but Linus was right there too. I needed the practice because this was going to be my disguise. And I knew he was serious about leaving me here if I couldn't get it right. If we don't rescue Ben there will be no need for revenge and the bitch will have won. The best revenge will be to rescue Ben and then shove our wedding so far up her ass she chokes on it!

Linus yelled at me, "Hey get your mind back on how to walk!"

I teased him, "Sorry my worthless, slave driving, infidel, pretend husband."

He yelled back, "You forgot good looking."

I teased, "Yes you're an Adonis in your own eyes."

Damn this walk is harder than it seems and this burka is nasty smelling. This submissive Muslim wife crap is for the birds.

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

Good! Natasha listened to me and has her mind back on the mission. She practiced her walk now and was much better. Now to see if she learned anything else, I ordered, "Natasha, take off the burka, fold it and then put it back on again."

She yelled back, "I have such a perverted pretend husband. But he's going to be surprised because I still have my clothes under this burka."

I watched as she followed my orders. I waited until she had the burka on and almost adjusted right and yelled, "Are you going to wear your burka without your body armor under it?"

I heard her swear, "Son of a fricken fracken bitch! Now I have to take it off and put it back on again."

This was too much fun but at least it kept her busy until we needed to go pickup the guys. She put on her body armor, slipped the burka over the top, adjusted everything then walked over in front of me and said in a sassy tone, "Ready for inspection Sir!"

I nonchalantly glanced up from the computer and answered, "Do you have your sidearm and extra ammo under your burka? If not take everything off, including the body armor and do it all again."

She spat, "You bastard." But she left and did as I ordered.

I noticed the files from Evelyn's hard drive were uploaded to the server, but I wanted to keep Natasha focused on the task at hand. I looked at the files and watched Natasha out of the corner of my eye. Ten minutes later she came back over but I hid the files before she got close enough to see them. She stood in front of me and said in a respectful tone, "Ready again for inspection Sir."

I looked up at her and decided it wasn't perfect, but it was good enough. Now I needed to surprise her with our 'secret' weapon. I stood up and said, "You forgot something."

She snapped back at me, "Like hell I did. Let me show you." She pulled up the burka and there was her sidearm and all the extra ammo and her body armor.

I answered, "You forgot this." I turned, walked over to a table, opened a box and pulled out a package. I continued, "Go take it all off again and put this on too."

She yelled, "Like hell I will!"

I got in her face, "Yes like hell you will, we need these supplies for the mission and you're the only one who can carry this. Now, do the fuck as you're told or we'll find someone to take your place."

She took the package and almost dropped it, "What the fuck's in this, it feels like lead." Then she went back to her bunk and took everything off. This time I watched as she opened the package. I fought a laugh when she looked at it and finally figured out what it was. It took her a little longer to get into the new gear, then she walked over in front of me and said again, "Ready for inspection Sir."

I stood up and said, "You look perfect and did a great job with the new gear. How does it feel?"

She answered, "It's heavy but not bad and I think I will get used to it. All of this gear will be great on the mission."

I looked at her and said, "You're not going to like this, but you're going to have to learn to walk differently all over again. I've pulled up a bunch of videos of walking on the computer. Sit down and study them. Once you're done, I want you to practice walking for thirty minutes. Then, I want you to practice thirty minutes of Taekwondo on the bag in full gear."

She struggled to sit at the computer and said, "Linus I feel like a fat fucking cow with this crap on me."

I replied, "Good because you look like one too."

She tried to turn and see me and couldn't do it very well so she just flipped me off and sassed, "At least I'm not barefoot."

I chuckled as she watched the videos, knowing it would keep her busy. Then I remembered to tell her, "Just so you know, you have a test tonight."

I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing as she tried to turn. She gave up and shouted over her shoulder, "What sort of fucking torture test do you have planned for me now."

I walked around front so I could see her eyes through the slit in the burka and answered, "If you can't fool Matt, Jim and Jack when we pick them up at the airport tonight, you're off the mission."

Flashback Natasha (Jens) — Kabul Afghanistan

Holy crap! Linus had been hell on me since I pissed him off. I kept forgetting he was a Seal and if the rumors were true perhaps a whole lot more. I'd be pissed at him if I didn't know it was for my own good and the good of the mission.

Just when I finally figured out how to adjust the burka and walk the fricken walk, Linus had me put on a fake pregnancy belly which was Massive, heavy and chocked full of ordinance. To have a belly this big I'd need to be fifteen-fricken-months pregnant. Naturally it came with another fucking new burka and I had to figure out all over again how to adjust it and now it was worse because I had this huge fricken belly hanging out in front!

Finally I had to learn to walk — I should say waddle - like a pregnant woman. Shit! But the worst insult was I had to pass a test with all this crap to be on this mission. I sure as hell didn't want to be support so I'm going to study my ass off! Fooling Matt and Jim won't be hard, but Shit! Jack will be hard as hell to fool because he's a smart, cagey old bastard.

I studied the videos then I got up and attempted the walk as I watched the mirror. The first time I did such a poor job Linus laughed his ass off.

I turned and flipped him off, "Don't you know better than to laugh at a pregnant woman? We're all hormonal and with this belly full of ordinance I might go off half cocked."

He grinned and answered, "Natasha, I have a camera and we can video this. Maybe it would help."

"Linus, that sounds like a great idea. I'll go back and watch some more videos while you get the camera set up."

It was tiring hauling all this crap on my belly and the pull of it made my back sore. I was getting just a little taste of why so many pregnant women I met were so crabby. Plus I was sweating like a pig under this burka. I'd always wanted lots of kids and thought twins or triplets might be nice, but after this short ordeal I think I'll leave the litters to dogs and cats. One baby at a time is plenty for this girl!

Linus announced, "It's all ready to go."

I took one more look at my favorite video, struggled to stand up and waddled towards Linus and the camera. He grinned at me and I wanted to kick his butt or at least fall on him with this belly.

He ordered, "That wasn't bad, now turn around and walk away from me."

I did and he yelled, "Pregnant women don't wiggle their butts so take smaller steps and keep the motion out of your backfield."

I yelled back, "What sort of pervert watches a pregnant woman's butt."

He snapped at me, "Someone who's been out in the desert with only a camel for the last six months."

I giggled but thought he was probably right.

I turned, walked towards Linus and he asked me, "Did you hear the joke about the Captain and the camel?"

This was Linus, so I knew the joke had to be ribald but funny, "Do I want to know the joke about the Captain and the camel?"

He told me anyway,

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The Captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about six months the Captain could not stand it anymore so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town where the women are."

Linus laughed and I said, "That was almost funny, but not as funny as if it had been about Seals."

He gave me a dirty look and said, "Let's put these videos on the computer and see how you look."

He walked and I waddled over to the computer. I watched as he connected the camera and downloaded the video then played it on the screen.

I yelled "Shit! I thought cameras only added ten pounds to what a person looks like. This makes me look like I'm twenty pounds heavier than in the mirror. Do I really look this huge?"

Linus laughed, "Yes you do but everyone who sees you will be extra special nice. Now go practice your Taekwondo."

I whined, "Linus you're going to fucking kill me if I have to do Taekwondo with all this on. How about at least letting me take off the burka?"

He told me, "You can take off the hood and do a couple more walks for me, one towards the camera and one away. But no way in hell are you going to practice Taekwondo without the burka and belly on. You might have to fight in the disguise so get your ass over there and beat the shit out of the bag. And you'd better be serious or I'll come over and kick your ass."

I grumbled as I waddled towards the bag, "Should have known a fucking Seal would beat up a poor defenseless pregnant woman."

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

As I watched her do Taekwondo, I considered - poor defenseless pregnant woman my ass. If anyone gives you shit you're going to kick their butts! I turned on the video camera and ordered, "Natasha take off the hood and see if it helps." She did and it did help, but I really had an ulterior motive for having her remove the hood. These videos of her were just too funny and too good not to keep. Liz was going to love me for saving them.

The more she moved in the disguise the better she got and was far above average on the bag by the time she was worn out.

She dropped to the ground and said, "Linus, I'm beat and stinky and need a shower and a rest. You need to put up some fricken shower curtains for me." I hurried and threw up a couple pieces of metal as a shower partition. I was glad she asked because seeing her shower would have been as gross as if I watched my kid sister.

After Natasha left to take her shower, I uploaded the videos to the Truth Network's secure server and then copied them over to my server too. She finished the shower and walked around the side of the partition without her fake belly. I ordered, "Sgt. Donaldson, where the hell is your belly and burka?"

She whined, "Linus I thought I was done with this crap until later when we pick up the guys."

I had figured out with the extra weight of the belly, she needed some additional exercise to get ready for carrying it. And I knew of no better way than to have her wear it all the time.

"Sgt. Donaldson, you will wear the belly continuously until this mission is over. But I will be nice and only make you wear the burka when we are out in public. However, if you continue to whine, then you will wear the burka everywhere too."

She grumbled some as she went back and put on the belly, but not enough to warrant a burka punishment.

She waddled over and said, "This is hell and I hate it. If I was really this way at least I would have had some fun getting this way. Move the hell over and let me see my videos."

I said, "Make sure you don't delete them. I want to keep them so we can compare your progress."

I left and got the Suzuki Samurai ready because we'd be leaving soon to pick up Matt and Jim. Jack would be in several hours later.

Natasha sat at the monitor and was swearing at her size and at the computer. I almost laughed and wondered if perhaps women became bitchy when they were pregnant because of their size and not their hormones.

Flashback Jens — Kabul Afghanistan

Linus and the belly made me cranky as hell. I don't know, perhaps I was PMS — nah I was just so damn tired. Every time I tried to sleep, I had dreams or visions of whatever was going on with Ben. Well it wasn't like they were complete dreams, it was as if you only saw every twentieth frame of a movie — just enough to know something was going on, but not enough to be able to figure it out. And then there were all these weird phantom leg pains I kept getting. It was so bad I wondered if I had restless leg syndrome. My legs jumped around on the bed and woke me up. Wow, I was really whiney and cranky, maybe I did have PMS — yeah I was PMS!

I yelled over to Linus, "Hey I've figured out what's wrong with me."

He stopped messing with the cute little Suzuki and said, "Okay what's wrong with you?

I giggled and replied, "I'm PMS."

He looked away and complained, "Natasha, that's too much information."

I added, "It means Putting up with Mother f'in Seals!" Then I giggled some more.

He flipped me off and continued working on the Suzuki.

I messed around on the computer and tried to jump up for joy because the files were here from the bitch's computer. I was so excited I forgot about the fricken belly and fell off the chair. Linus looked over and cautioned, "Don't break your ass."

I teased, "Don't worry because if I did I sure as hell wouldn't let you kiss it to make it better. Why didn't you tell me we have the files?"

He glanced at me, "Hey Natasha, we have the files but you can't look at them right now. You're supposed to be looking at videos of pregnant women. Make sure you open the one named fifteen.flv."

I hadn't looked at that one yet, so I opened it and blushed like crazy. It was some sort of perv video from some fricken place called pregnant women gone wild. Even though I only saw a couple of seconds of it - it was all I wanted to see — it was fricken sick.

I looked over and Linus laughed then yelled back, "I thought you'd appreciate it."

I'll fix you, you bastard! I went to my server and downloaded a program I wrote when I was a little girl called black hole. I hacked into his user account and put it in his startup folder. Then I put on a microphone and recorded a little audio file to run right after black hole finished.

That should fix Mr. Wannabe Computer Hacker — mess with the best and die like the rest!

Flashback Linus — Kabul Afghanistan

Natasha was being too quiet so I concluded she had planned something to get even with me for being a pain in the ass today. I bet she's trying to hack my account on the computer. Boy will she be surprised if she does. She's not a bad hacker and given enough years she will be as good as me.

I pulled the .50 Cal machine gun out, put it between the seats and hid it under a tarp. Then I humped ammo cans in the back of the Zuk. I next yelled over to Natasha, "Gear up and let's roll!"

She shut down the computer, struggled to get out of the chair as I fought back laughter. I got in my disguise and she went to put on her burka. I waited for her by the Zuk and commented as she walked — I mean waddled up, "I thought since you didn't have to put on all your makeup crap it wouldn't take as long to get ready."

She shot back, "Fuck you! But you certainly look cute in your man dress. It's so flattering for even for a full figured guy like you. Or are you just big boned?"

I teased back, "You know Muslims wives get beat if they say stuff like that."

She stepped back in a defense posture and replied, "Linus, I've put up with a bunch of shit from you today and I know you did it for the mission and to distract me. But I've had my fill of it and that's the last straw. You want to try to beat me? Come on 'cause I'll kick your sorry Seal ass. No one threatens me with violence."

I knew I'd pushed her too far but I hoped I could back out of this before we both got hurt. I answered, "Natasha, I apologize for the last comment and I would never seriously threaten you with violence and you know it. So cut the crap and let's go pickup Matt and Jim."

She held out her hand, "Shake on it?"

I went to shake her hand and she put me in an arm lock, shoved me up against the Zuk and said, "Just remember, I might be smaller than you but I'm twice as fast. Plus I'm pissed as hell almost all the time. Besides, as you just found out I can be a sneaky little bitch. So you cut the crap and get in the cute little Suzuki and I'll get the door."

She gave me one more good twist on my arm to make her point. Then she released me, turned, walked towards the door and said, "Don't even think about jumping me from behind because it will get me really pissed off. Besides it wouldn't work."

I walked around to my side of the Zuk and thought, well, I think she's ready. Now if she can just fool Matt, Jim and Jack. She opened the door as I fired up the Zuk and drove outside. She shut the door, climbed in and said, "Get driving chauffer."

I headed to the airport and Jens' statement brought back memories of another time...

Flashback Linus — TSIFFTS Mission

I climbed into the passenger side of the semi, grinned at Thom and said, "Get driving chauffer."

Thom matched my grin and answered, "You're sure cocky for one so young. Keep it up and you'll find out how devious old guys can be."

I was riding shotgun today and not happy about it. Thom was good at many things, but driving this rig wasn't one of those. I'd much prefer to have been in the trailer where I couldn't see my impending death. Not that he ever hit anything, but he sure did come close. Riding shotgun was considered punishment when he was driving.

I held my breath as we made it out of the parking lot and onto the interstate. I could finally relax some so I asked, "Hey Thom when do I get to drive?"

He looked over, swerved just a little and replied, "Don't tell me you're going to start complaining about my driving?"

I foolishly replied, "Hell Thom you scare the shit out of everyone when you drive. We all draw straws to see who's going to sit up front with you because it's not any fun."

Thom got upset, "Fuck it, if you think you can do better I'll pull over right now and let you drive." He swerved onto the shoulder and almost hit a car. The car driver honked, drove by and flipped us off. Thom yelled, "Damn idiot almost hit me!" Thom opened the door to the cab, looked over at me and said, "I'm headed in the back to catch some shuteye have fun figuring out how to drive this thing."

I yelled after him, "Send Byron up to ride shotgun!"

I jumped in the driver's seat, made some adjustments, then looked at all the controls and shifters. I had no idea what most of the stuff did but I knew Byron would help me. I jumped when the passenger door opened. Byron crawled in and yawned.

Flashback Byron — TSIFFTS Mission

Thom came in the trailer, kicked me in the ass and said, "That damn Torvalds complained about my driving so I told him he could drive this damn truck. He wants you for shotgun." He headed over to a cot and sacked out.

I sat up, rubbed the sleepers out of my eyes, and fought back a laugh. Since we brought Linus on, he and Thom had butted heads several times. I'm glad he finally called Thom on his driving because he couldn't drive this rig worth shit.

I grabbed a cup a joe from our always full coffee pot and headed up to ride shotgun. I opened the door and Linus jumped. I crawled in the seat, yawned and said, "Damn that was a short nap."

Linus commented, "Damn Thom sure is touchy sometimes."

I laughed and added, "Just sometimes? He's touchy most of the time. It's much better now he's doing something again, but when I first met him I could hardly talk with him." I changed the subject, "By the way I thank you and I'm sure everyone else will thank you for getting on Thom about his driving. We've tried to tell him before but he wouldn't listen to us."

Linus asked, "Then why did he listen to me?"

I wondered why Thom listened to Linus and not us so I replied with, "I'm not sure. I think he's got a lot of respect for you. Or perhaps it's just because you're the new kid on the block."

He came back with, "Well I guess you'd better teach me how to drive this rig."

I answered, "I know you don't have your CDL so you really can't drive this until you do. But since Thom has his titty in a wringer you're going to have to go to school and learn how to drive a big rig. We can start your lessons right now by having you watch me."

We switched places and I adjusted the seat and I started Linus' lessons.

Flashback Linus — TSIFFTS Mission

I was concerned about this mission because it — well it seemed risky. I asked Byron as we drove off, "Have you guys ever done a mission like this one before?"

Byron glanced at me (at least he didn't swerve the truck) and asked, "You're worried about this one, aren't you?"

I nodded and said, "Yeah it seems like a high risk mission."

Byron replied, "You're smart and right to be worried. This is a very high risk mission." He paused and then asked, "Do you think the target is big enough to warrant the risk?"

I answered, "Most certainly, but it doesn't mitigate the risk."

Byron said, "Yeah that's why we're changing things a bit on this mission."

I glanced in his direction and asked, "So it's not me as primary and you as backup?"

He replied, "This time it's you as primary, Thom as backup and I'm the cover sniper."

I inquired, "Why the change Byron?"

He chuckled as he answered, "Two reasons: Thom's better with a pistol than I am and you might need it on this mission; and number two, I'm way better than he is with a rifle."

I commented, "Well that makes sense because you are a Marine."

Byron said, "Thanks for getting it right this time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Once a Marine - always a jarhead."

Byron teased back, "That's Jarhead Sir, to a squid like you."

Before this got out of hand, I changed the subject and asked, "So it looks like once you get this rig rolling it's not too bad to drive."

Byron chuckled and replied, "Does Thom drive a car or van okay?"

I answered right away, "Yeah, he's not the best driver, but I can sleep when he drives a car or van."

He continues, "So what does it tell you about your question?"

I laughed because Byron is always making me think, "It tells me my question was full of shit. Even when this rig is rolling, there are things which are different from a car."

Byron chuckled as he said, "You'll learn all about those when you go to truck driving school after this mission."

I sat back and considered the mission and wondered how in hell I was going to keep from getting busted on this one.

Flashback Thom — TSIFFTS Mission

I'd wanted this bastard for a long time, but we didn't have the resources until Linus signed on. With him on the team it would be a hard mission but one we should be able to pull off.

But we did butt heads frequently - quite frequently. I pretended he pissed me off complaining about my driving of the big rig — but secretly I was happy because I scared myself driving this thing. I would never admit it to anyone, but now we can move Linus into one more area of TSIFFTS. His youth has infused our group with new life and we've all noticed it. Plus he has dogged determination. He hacked on this guy's computer system for two days straight without sleep until he was able to penetrate it.

I'd had too much coffee to sleep, so I lay on the cot thinking about our mission and refining the mission plan. I knew we'd be stopping soon so there was no reason to sleep anyway. Shit! I never could sleep before missions and I'm too old to learn that trick now.

I felt the truck rumble to a stop and knew we were at the final truck stop and the guys would be coming into the back soon. I looked over and Jim and Todd were waking up. Soon we'd be set up and monitoring this guy to make sure his habits hadn't changed.

I waited as Byron and Linus came into the trailer. Byron shot me a knowing grin which told me he really knew why I let him drive. Jim and Todd were up and checking our monitors. Linus walked up and said, "Sorry Thom about getting you all bent out of shape about your driving."

Jim yelled from his post, "Hell, I'm not sorry. He can't drive this rig worth shit!"

I stood up and announced, "That fucking does it. I'm not driving this piece of shit anymore. You three have licenses and can figure out the schedule between yourselves."

Everyone started clapping and cheering. I pretended to be upset and announced, "Fuck you all, I'm going to go eat." As I headed into the truck stop, Byron and Linus followed me.

Flashback Linus — TSIFFTS Mission

I didn't like the friction between Thom and me because a team needs to run smoothly. So I wanted to nip the problem in the bud. Byron and I followed Thom into the diner and I sat across from them in the booth and said, "Thom after this mission I'm quitting."

His mouth dropped open so far in surprise it almost hit the table. Thom said, "Linus, what the hell is going on?"

I answered, "Thom, I don't like the fact you and I butt heads so much since it's counterproductive for the team. I will gladly work with TSIFFTS, but not with your team."

Byron was grinning like hell and I wasn't sure why. Thom said, "Linus! I don't understand."

I looked at him, "Thom, I already told you. We butt heads too much and it's not good for the team.

He was flabbergasted and couldn't say anything but Byron answered instead, "Thom and Linus both of you need to calm down. Linus, Thom just likes to keep things stirred up and you need to learn to either ignore him or kick his butt. And Thom, Linus is right and you need to keep your weird sense of humor under control so it doesn't affect the missions."