Chapter 9: Second Thoughts: Howard

I didn't accomplish very much at work. Friday is seldom a high intensity day, but this Friday was particularly quiet. It gave me time to think about Edie and tonight. When I woke up this morning, my mind was set. I knew what I would do. Now ... too much time for having second thoughts. Was I too hard on her? Was I pushing her beyond her ability to cope? She looked terrified at times. As if she thought I was going to snap and do something violent. Perhaps my act had been too ... dramatic.

What did I want from all this? What was I hoping to accomplish? I kept asking myself this over and over again. I still loved her. I knew that now. I knew it because I couldn't get her out of my mind. If I didn't, I wouldn't be obsessing about her. I wouldn't be angry. I wouldn't be uncertain about our future.

I knew what the trouble was. Her secret. The one she dared not tell me. Denying us our children. I still hadn't come to terms with how I felt about that. Was I angry? Yes! Could I forgive her? I didn't know. Could she bring herself to tell me? I didn't know that either. Would that be the determining factor in whether we stayed together or not? Another thing I didn't know. One moment I was sure and the next, I was riddled with doubt.

Thirty years, counting our dating. Almost two thirds of our lives had been spent with each other. So much invested in ourselves. I tried to imagine what my life would be like without her. I couldn't manage to form a picture. It would be lonely of course.

When you've been with someone that long, you don't have long conversations about your life together. It's all imprinted on your psyche ... your being. Words aren't always necessary. Sometimes a touch, or a smile, or just a gesture. The comfort of lying in bed with her nearby, even when you aren't touching. The scent, the warmth. All the intangibles. Thirty years.

I didn't know what to expect this evening. In a way, I was dreading it. I had promised her I would let her have her say. I would give her the courtesy of listening without comment unless she asked for it. I owed her that much. But what then? That part of my plan was unformed. What then?