Chapter 7: The Aftermath: Howard

The air was warm and there was still some light in the sky as I stepped out of our home. I could feel the fresh breeze off the river as I walked toward the Common. I was breathing more normally now. The worst was over, I thought. I had said everything I wanted to say. I had held back everything I didn't want to say. I dangled hope in front of her, but with little room for negotiation.

There was nothing pleasant or elevating about what I had just done. I had pummeled her with my words as surely as if I had used my fists. I could see the effect of my blows. After a while, she had simply absorbed them as I delivered. There was no sign of fight on her part.

I should have felt better. I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.

I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?

Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.

And what about this act I had performed. The new, dominant Howard Carver. It was an act. I knew that. Could I sustain it? I doubted it. Perhaps in some less aggressive and challenging form. Someone I could actually become without disliking myself. I knew I would never be able to return to the softer, weaker person I had been. Edie would never respect me if I did and I would likely find her seeking another man once again. What would it take to create that excitement that she craved?

Nothing had changed from yesterday. I still needed to know more about her. There were still secrets, I expected. Where were they hidden? What did I know about my wife? Had she cheated on me? Did I want to know? I wonder if she had any idea of how she had undermined my belief in her.

It was dark now and I turned back toward our home. I had calmed myself from the confrontation of earlier. So many questions and so few answers. The turmoil remained. I had solved nothing tonight. I had challenged Edie to decide our future. I occurred to me that I was leaving my fate in her hands. Ironic! I had gained control, but Edie would decide. How ironic.