An Absence of Trust
Copyright© 2009 by Coaster2
Chapter 7: The Aftermath: Howard
The air was warm and there was still some light in the sky as I stepped out of our home. I could feel the fresh breeze off the river as I walked toward the Common. I was breathing more normally now. The worst was over, I thought. I had said everything I wanted to say. I had held back everything I didn't want to say. I dangled hope in front of her, but with little room for negotiation.
There was nothing pleasant or elevating about what I had just done. I had pummeled her with my words as surely as if I had used my fists. I could see the effect of my blows. After a while, she had simply absorbed them as I delivered. There was no sign of fight on her part.
I should have felt better. I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.
I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?
Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.
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