Chapter 5: The Declaration: Howard

I willed myself to be calm and collected. I could see just how unsettling my behavior was to Edie and I wanted to maintain that edge. I would continue to call her by her formal name. There would be no endearments tonight.

"Edith, I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say. This will not be a two-way discussion. I will tell you what I want to tell you and you will listen. If you cannot, then there is no need for us to discuss anything. I will give you every chance to speak, but not tonight. Do I make myself clear?"

Her eyes had widened. This, once again, wasn't what she expected. She nodded her understanding.

"Well then. Let me first tell you the consequences of your ... admission on Monday evening. The first and foremost is my deep disappointment in your lack of respect for me."

I saw her head jerk up and she was about to say something when I held up my hand. She stopped, the breath coming out of her at the same time.

"I don't know how I would ever have given you the idea that I would sit still while you made a cuckold of me. If you think my years of submitting myself to your whims turned me into a spineless wimp, you have another think coming.

"I want to repeat what I said then. I will not tolerate any infidelity on your part. If you choose to ignore my warning, I will divorce you and I can tell you as a certainty that there will be no reconciliation. Do I make myself completely understood?"

I had spoken very forcefully, using the full effect of my voice to underscore my determination.

"Yes, I understand. But..."

I held up my hand once again to remind her of my intention to deliver rather than to receive.

"You have badly damaged our relationship. You have undermined the foundations of our marriage and cast doubt upon your fidelity. You have destroyed the one thing on which good marriages are founded: trust. You have brought doubt into my mind. Doubt I never had before. I am not sure our marriage will survive that."

I saw her suck in her breath and her eyes go wide. I had hit her hard with that. I had sown the seeds of uncertainty in her mind as well. Uncertainty about her future with me.

"I have had some time to think about what I will do, now that you have created this situation. You profess to love me and until this past Monday, I had every reason to believe you. Now ... I'm not so sure."

Again she rose in her chair as if to say something ... to contest my misgivings. This time I just stared at her silently and she slumped back into the chair, saying nothing.

"You tell me you would never hurt me, and yet you would humiliate me by giving yourself to another man. I can't imagine how you would think I would not feel pain from that. I wonder, after all these years, if you really know me? You certainly have me wondering if I know you.

"I blame myself for not being more assertive in our marriage. I allowed your success and your social contacts to deprecate my role. In retrospect, that was a mistake. I am not now, nor will I ever be your footboy. I am an equal in this marriage and I will accept nothing less.

"I have come to realize, Edith, that you are selfish. You think of yourself first to the exclusion of all others, including me. Are the people you associate with really friends? Can you count on them when you truly need them?

I want you to think about our old true friends, Edith. Where are they? Do you ever think of them? I know the answer of course. I have maintained contact with most of them. I am welcome in their homes. Have you wondered why we don't entertain them any more? Is it because they serve no useful purpose for you?"