Chapter 2: Gross Miscalculation: Edith

I have made a horrible mistake. I don't know what made me think I could convince Howard to accept my taking a lover. But even so, I never expected him to simply shut me down. There was no compromise in his tone. It was delivered with such force that it caught me completely by surprise.

I am unused to failure. I haven't experienced it very often and this came as a shock. I thought I was so well prepared. I was sure Howard would see that this was important to me and that he wouldn't deny me my need. He's never denied me anything I really wanted before. Why did he react so dramatically this time?

I had to rethink my situation. I love Howard. I know I do. But I need some excitement in my life. I'm nearly fifty and I need this. I need someone to help me feel alive and desirable. God knows, Howard is a wonderful lover. He fills me so completely and he is so thoughtful with me. I couldn't ask for a more considerate husband. But ... I need more.

I've really made a mess of this. I've alerted him to my intention. I've stupidly caused him to doubt me. There is no way I can indulge myself if he is watching me closely. Why did I have to warn him? What kind of fool am I? I've just made it that much more difficult to have an affair.

I've already made up my mind. I'm going to do this. I've just had a bad start. A poorly chosen strategy. I have to step back and rethink what to do.

As I wandered through the house, I noticed the door to his study was open and he was no longer there. I tried the living room and then the kitchen, but he was nowhere to be found. I looked in the hall closet and noticed his windbreaker was missing. He had left. Where had he gone? Would he be back tonight? I could feel the fear in my stomach. This was turning into a nightmare.

I poured myself and strong gin and tonic and continued to pace through the house. Howard didn't have a cell phone, so there was no way to call him. Would he answer even if he could? I need a way out of this mess. I have to make him forget about my stupid outburst. Repairing the damage was going to be a long, slow process. It was essential that I make it right with him.

I looked at the clock for the hundredth time. It was 10:30 pm and still no sign of Howard. It was dark outside and I had no idea where he was. We didn't own a car, so he was either on foot or had called a cab. I couldn't ever recall him just walking out like this without saying something. He could have been mugged ... or worse.

I walked into his study and saw the brandy snifter on his desk. It was almost empty, with just a small amount of the amber liquid in the bottom of the glass. He had poured himself at least one drink before he left. I took another swallow of my drink, noticing it was almost gone. I was not handling this very well. In truth, I was a basket case.