Chapter 10: Confession: Edith

Howard was early this evening. He was home just after five. I didn't know whether to be worried or not. I was a bundle of nerves to begin with. This unexpected change in habit was just another thing to unsettle me. But it didn't take long to see that something else was different.

"You're home early."

"Yes. It was quiet today and I was able to get away at just past four. A head start on the weekend." He smiled at me when he said that. It was the first smile I'd seen from him since ... since Monday.

"Would you care for a drink? The usual?" He seemed relaxed and almost ... normal.

"Yes ... thank you." He made my usual G & T but didn't pour himself a glass of wine.

"I'm going to change." Again, he smiled as he turned and headed upstairs.

He was back in less than five minutes. He was wearing his new golf-style shirt, his jeans and his moccasin slippers. He looked completely different. And he was smiling.

"You look very relaxed, Howard." I wondered if he was trying to tell me something.

He poured his glass of wine and turned back to me.

"It's been a very stressful week for me. For both of us. I'd like to turn things down a notch. I don't want to put any more pressure on you. I've been hard on you I know. But ... well ... let's enjoy dinner and we can talk afterwards."

I nodded. "Thank you. I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm so ... upset about what's happened. I'm so unsure of myself and what I want to say."

"Just be yourself. Tell me what you want to tell me. Be honest, Edie. Be honest with me and most of all ... be honest with yourself."

He called me Edie again. He hadn't called me that all week. Maybe ... maybe things were going to be alright. But there it was again ... the honesty question. The one question I hadn't decided how to handle.

I'd made another of his favorite meals and he acknowledged it. We had some conversation during our dinner and it helped me get a grip on my nerves. I wasn't looking forward to what was to come. In fact, I dreaded it. My conversation with Ginny had helped, but I still couldn't imagine how this was all going to turn out.

I didn't have a second drink. I don't think I could have held it down. I needed all my wits about me. Alcohol was only false courage. Ginny taught me that. She was an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic. It had cost her her marriage and her relationship with her children. It had been a very high price to pay. I met her not long after she joined AA. I admired her courage. She blamed no one but herself and knew it was a sickness. She dealt with it.

I had no such excuse for my behavior. I was selfish. It all boiled down to that. It was always about what I wanted. I had been blind to it just as Ginny had been blind to her alcoholism. Howard's harsh words had jolted me and forced me to admit to my self-centered behavior. But I could change. I knew I could change. It wouldn't even be hard. I'd just have to be more thoughtful of others. I could do that. I would do that.

When we finished the dishes, we walked to the living room and sat where we had sat on Wednesday evening. It was my turn. How to begin? I took a deep breath.

"Howard ... I want first to apologize. I want to apologize for hurting you and for being so stupid as to think you would accept my ... intended behavior. I don't know what I was thinking, but it wasn't rational. Worse than that, I don't know what brought it on. It certainly wasn't you. I have never for a moment thought you were less than a superb lover and a deeply caring man.

"Perhaps I took that for granted after all these years. Perhaps I had become so used to your love and support that I didn't value it the way I should have. I don't know, but I need to find out.

"You were wrong about my not having a real friend. I do have one. Virginia Maarden. Ginny is my closest friend ... after you of course. She is my confidant. Someone I can talk to without fear of it being passed along as gossip. Someone who has been through the wars and can be honest with me. I value her advice. I should have listened to it.

"She told me I was crazy to even think of having an affair. She told me that you were the perfect husband and I should value that above anything else. She told me that if ... when you found out ... I wouldn't be able to control the consequences. She was right of course.

"In my own confused mind I thought that if I told you what I wanted to do, you would understand somehow. I didn't want to go behind your back. I didn't want to deceive you. I never for a moment wanted to humiliate or belittle you. It just never entered my mind. But I did, didn't I. I did humiliate and belittle you. Just telling you what I wanted was enough, wasn't it."

I looked at Howard carefully. I don't know what kind of reaction I expected, but he remained calm and composed. I pushed on.

"I don't know how to tell you how ashamed I am of what I have done to you and how sorry I am. I know an apology is not enough. Ginny has recommended a psychiatrist that she says can help me. I do need help to understand why I behaved the way I did. I will call her next week to see if she will accept me as a patient.

"You must know by now that I will do anything to preserve our marriage. I love you with all my heart and I can't imagine my life without you. I am begging you to give me another chance. I will agree to anything that will keep us together. Anything!

"Ginny suggested marriage counseling. I'm willing to if you are. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. I want that more than anything, including my career. I'll give it up tomorrow if that's what you want. Nothing is more important than you in my life.

"I know I've been selfish, but I can change. I can make myself a better person. I can reconnect with our old friends. I can be more considerate of you. It won't be hard to do. It isn't that I've forgotten how. I just need to remind myself to be more thoughtful of others."

I paused again to collect my thoughts. I watched Howard carefully. He was calm but alert. His eyes told me he was absorbing everything I said.

"Howard, I want to tell you ... to assure you ... that I have never been unfaithful to you. Never! And I never will be. I have wiped away any idea that I could do such a thing to you. I saw the hurt and pain that I caused you and I couldn't live with myself if I did something like that to you."

Again, I paused. I was hoping to see some reaction in Howard's face, but again, he was calm and unresponsive. I wondered if he believed me.

"I know that I haven't treated you very well. I mean, not treating you as my partner and the most important person in my life. I think its part of the selfishness I've succumbed to. I promise that I will change. You are far too important to me not to acknowledge that to our friends and associates. Again, I can only apologize for my actions. I'm ashamed of the things I've done that belittle you and demean your importance to me.