Chapter 5: Morning

"Holy shit!"

I shook Mark awake.

"What?"

"It's noon! Mom and Daddy came home early. They're downstairs discussing what to do about us! They know! And they know we watched their video!" My heart was in my stomach, somewhere. I clutched at Matt's neck.

He sighed deeply. But he just lay there, warm against me.

"Ohmigod! Now what? Ohmigod, Carly, I am soooo sorry. I shouldn't have..."

"It's not your fault! My fault, all my fault!"

We lay silently awaiting our fate.

"What do you think? Go downstairs?" he asked.

I went into the hall and listened for awhile.

"They have calmed down a little. Talking about the problem of their setting a bad example. Already called Uncle Matt and warned him."

"I guess we should go down. Better to face it than wait for the axe to fall, don't you think?'

I nodded, and we both dressed quickly.

"Where do we start?"

"I have no idea," he said, shaking his head slowly. He was perspiring on his forehead, I noticed. I could feel that I was flushed, too.

We crept quietly downstairs.

"Uh, came home early, right?" Mark started. "Sorry about all this, Mom, Dad, didn't mean it to..."

"Come sit down, children..." Daddy said quietly. That was not a good sign.

"It's my fault..." I tried to say.

Daddy held up his hand.

"We're a little disappointed in you. But, as you now know, we have faults of our own ... that has to be said..." Daddy continued, " The question is: where does this leave us going forward? No doubt, we should not have left such videos where you might see them." "Daddy, I didn't want to go through what Melissa went through losing her virginity! It was ugly. I decided that I wanted to do that with Mark, who I love and who loves me and would be nice to me! That's really what it was ... can't you see?" I rattled it off so quickly he couldn't stop me. Again he held up his hand and grimaced.

I went over and sat in Daddy's lap and made him hug me. That usually was a good place for me to be when arguing with him.

"I love you, Daddy!"

"I know that! I love you too, Carly, there's never any doubt about that! I'll tell you what; I think we should split up. You go have a chat with your mother and I with Mark. Then we will get back together. OK?"

Mother took my hand and we went to her bedroom. I scooped up the pair of panties I had left lying on the floor and pocketed them.

"Sorry, Mom, I wanted to try on your wedding dress! Will you still let me wear it someday?"

She shook her head slowly, like a long suffering mother should do, rolling her eyes heavenward for guidance. "Oy vey! You have such chutzpah! So, you're MY daughter, I guess. First things first. So, you DECIDED to have your brother take your virginity?"

I nodded emphatically.

"Well, I would have wanted ... preferred that you wait a little longer. Oy vey! You're only sixteen, a child! Well, never mind, are you all right? Any bleeding? I mean now, do you think you are OK? I'll call Doctor Bernstein in the morning."

"I'm fine, Mom, really. I don't need old Dr. Bernstein! Really, I am just fine. Well, a little sore ... but, fine!"

She wrinkled her forehead and hugged me in spite of herself.

"I can't rejoice with you. And you've taken my only son! So this was your plan? Your dream?

"My plan, yes?

"And did it fulfill your dreams? I mean, was it OK?"

"Perfect, Mom ... just perfect."

"Well, that's a blessing, anyway. I'm not excusing you, though. It was a bad plan. You're only 16. What if you got pregnant ... was that in your plan, my little smarty?"

"Mom, don't you remember? Dr. Bernstein put me on the pill?"

She shrugged. "Regularity! For regularity! That's all. They could fail, you know? What would you do then?"

I shrugged and looked away.

It was her tears that hurt me. Not her words, not her chastening looks. But the tears were just awful to see and realize that I caused them. I had only seen her cry once, her father's death. I called him Opa, like in the old country. I couldn't think of another time I had seen her cry.

"You surely don't have some crazy idea of getting married? To your brother? Or to anyone else at this age? My god!"

"No, no, of course not, Mom. Of course not. I only said that when I was little, didn't I? But no, it's nothing like that. It is just about what happened to Melissa. It scared me and I didn't want it to happen to me."

"Oy, vey! Melissa!"

"And your snooping! You saw the tapes. Oh, I should have burned them-- your crazy father! How can I look you in the eyes now? I'm sorry you saw..."

"There was nothing ugly, Mom. It was pretty and loving ... and ... we stopped watching, didn't watch any more."

'Oy, your father comes from the wrong side of the tracks. You know that?" I caught her in a tight loving smile as she said it, though. "What are you expecting now? Going forward? You think you two will just sleep together like married? I don't think so. Not in my house, my girl!"

"No."

"No?"

"No. I understand that can't be."

She continued, eyeing me carefully. "Because you are both too young to make such big decisions. You should date as you do now. You must meet many more boys ... before you decide on a lifetime with someone ... you know that, Carly? You mustn't risk messing up your whole life. Not Mark's either! We didn't raise you this way to do something crazy!"

"Mom, this was all my idea. I talked Mark into it. I pleaded with him for just this once. He resisted. He argued just like you. The Melissa experience got to him, though. The videos were an accident. We were trying to edit the old vacation tapes into a Christmas present. Then suddenly, there you were!"

Her face crumpled. "I'm sorry, Carly! That's all I can say. Not sorry about you know ... but about the videos."

"You and Uncle Matt..."

She stared out the window for a while. Then she looked at me so tenderly it made me want to cry again.

"We didn't realize it until after we were both married. I mean, we didn't fully realize how deep our love was, you know? What can I say? How could you have two sets of siblings who wanted the same thing? Two sets of brothers and sisters with such love — and they marry each other. Can you imagine? And after a few years of happily married life ... it happened. Your father and Uncle Matt said it was an accident. One time on a vacation. They came into the wrong rooms and it happened. We had loving sex and woke up the next morning ... it was a shock ... and then, and then it seemed OK. We decided to continue ... to continue this great shared pleasure."

I put my hand on hers and she took my hand and squeezed. After a moment, she continued.

"Then we admitted to ourselves that we had wanted it that way and it was sort of hard to change things. We thought about straightening it out, but after a couple years we decided that was the way we wanted it, that Uncle Matt and I would be sometime lovers ... and your father and his sister ... the same ... I admit that it is beautiful for us. So I am not completely unmindful of what you were feeling, I just can't be in favor of it for you! You are too young. Does any of this make any sense to you? Do you understand why we have continued our ... loving ways brother and sister, husband and wife? Or does it just seem bizarre sex habits to you?"

"I understand ... completely ... it's not bizarre, Mom."

"So, we'll see! You'll keep on dating, Mark will, too? We'll hope for the best, whatever the best is..."

That was it. We went quietly back to the family room. We hugged, and she patted my back. I hoped the tears would stop welling up in her eyes soon. But, I was sure it would pass and we would keep on loving each other.

Mark was nowhere in sight. Daddy, still seated, had talked and cried himself out.

I curled up in his lap.

"You're OK?" he stammered. "You ... and your Mother ... you had a talk? A good talk, I guess?"

I nodded. "Yes, Daddy." I nuzzled his neck and kissed him over and over. He could say nothing through his tears and I just sat there curled up with him for a long time. We talked a little from time to time, but not about my lost virginity, and certainly not about the videos, which had been spirited away already.

You might think I got by with something, but you'd be wrong. On paper it doesn't sound like much, but it was what they call a "traumatic" day. The ache of seeing their anguish still lives as a haunting ache in my stomach anytime it comes back to my mind. It comes back frequently. But so does the wonder of my lovely, perfect, tender defloration by my special person, Mark, brother or not.

Life balances out, my grandma says.

Mark had gone right to his room and closed the door. We were grounded for a long time and on a very short string about all things. We still lived down the hall from each other, but Mom and Daddy kept a sharp eye on us. Mark couldn't have the car for three months and that was a pain. Mark finally told me about his talk with Daddy, and it was a lot like mine with Mom, except more macho. Daddy was really mad at him for "ruining" his little girl and Mark's "little sister who, you are supposed to look after!" And there was a lot of "What the hell were you thinking of, boy!"