Chapter 7

I had been a step off kilter since my trip to L.A. almost five months before. Julie's return, departure, return and departure; Danni's revelation and departure; the failure to keep the L.A. plant open; the amount of work involving in bring our programs to new states and, now, new countries. I probably could have handled any of them on their own without too much worry.

But I couldn't handle all of them at once. Some things were out of my hands: Danni wasn't returning to work, I knew that; the company wasn't going to stop expanding any time soon, I knew that as well; the L.A. plant was dead.

That left only the personal situations with Danni and Julie as something I could make decisions about on my own. Perhaps not even Danni now, I thought, which whittled the list down to Julie.

But I had something else I needed to do first.

I went to a pay phone and called Belinda's office line. I knew it would ring to voice mail and that she would never be able to track where I was calling from.

"Bebe," I said into the receiver. "I'm sorry about today. There is no excuse for me to berate you in front of everyone. It was unprofessional and uncalled for. I promise to try to make amends when I return. I just wanted you to know that I'm fine and I'm safe. So there is no need to worry about it. Trust me, I know you well enough to know that you are worried. Well, you can stop.

"I'll be out of contact for perhaps as long as the 30th. But rest assured, I have faith in you to keep things running fine. My office is unlocked, so you can access any material you need to from there. You know my password, I'm sure. If you don't, it's taped on the bottom of the stapler. Not very secure, I know. But I figured it needed to be somewhere. Anyway, take care and please don't think any of this is your fault. It's not. I just felt myself spinning a tiny bit out of control — I'm sure you didn't notice — so I need to take a break from it all. Bye."

I felt better about my departure once I hung up the phone. It had been extremely selfish to toss Bebe into the fire as I had. Now I just had to figure out what do about the rest of my life.

It only took me a couple of days to reach a decision. I would do nothing.

Julie knew where she stood. I hadn't wanted to put her in a do-or-die situation but she was right. I had.

Somehow that didn't bother me much. I told her what she needed to do for us to be able to move forward. Of course, just because she left L.A. behind didn't mean we would necessarily be able to make things work.

I had come to realize that the problems we faced the first time had disappeared. We had figured out what the problem was — albeit after five years apart — and they seemed to be resolved. But new problems, problems just as potentially fatal to a relationship as the others, had taken their place.

I know I was biased but I didn't find what I was asking Julie to do as unreasonable. Before I could cross the line to anything resembling commitment, I had to know that Julie was just as committed as I was. Keeping a house and life in L.A. didn't exactly seem like commitment to me.

At the same time, I understood why she wanted the security of having someplace to call home if she didn't wind up in my life. I didn't have to face the prospect of abandoning my life for something that might not be possible.

But I knew I had to let whatever was going to happen in Los Angeles unfold before I could do anything else.

After I recognized that fact of life, I spent another two and a half weeks relaxing. I took hikes in the woods and spent afternoons at the shore. I went bird watching and fishing. I drove to Eugene to watch a college baseball game and spent two days camping in the Cascades.

When I crossed the California and Oregon state line late on the 29th, I was far calmer than I had been 20 days earlier when I crossed in the opposite direction. If I learned nothing else during my vacation, I learned that there was a happy medium. Even if nothing worked out, I would be just fine if I was alone for a while.

After Julie and I divorced I had stopped doing a lot of things I enjoyed. She was right when she told me that I had changed. I barricaded myself behind some invisible barrier. My promotion only added to the level of security I placed between me and those around me. I stopped playing softball and going camping. I didn't socialize and I didn't travel.

Even if Julie had moved all of her belongings out the house and Danni had gotten married in the three weeks I'd gone AWOL, I wasn't going to let that happen again.

Of course, neither of those things happened. Julie's boxes were still piled in the garage when I'd left them. But she wasn't at the house. A part of me expected that she would be. I couldn't figure out if the feeling I had was disappointment or happiness. I think it might have been a mixture of both.

It was about 8 p.m. on Saturday night when I unlocked my door and stepped inside the house. The mail was stacked neatly on the end table, so someone had been there. The refrigerator didn't hold a houseful of mold, so someone had been there recently. Even the milk wasn't spoiled.

There was even a six-pack of beer — crappy beer, to be sure — but beer nonetheless. I pulled one out and sat down on the couch. The answering machine read zero so Julie must have erased them. I hope she listened to them first. One or two might not have been from her or Belinda.

Who was I kidding? Well, Danni might have called, I thought with a chuckle. I decided to head into the city for a few minutes to check make sure my office hadn't been burned. I was pleased to find my name still on the nameplate on my office door. I had wondered for a while if I would still have a job after my exit.

I guessed I still did.

I closed the door and fired up the computer to see if my crew had kept everything rolling. A cursory glance told me that everything pressing had been dealt with. I had just finished reviewing some of the details of a contract when I saw the elevator doors open and Belinda hustle out.

I glanced at the clock on the computer. It was almost 9 p.m. She didn't stop at her terminal but headed straight for my office.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I might ask you the same question," I said with a smile to let her know that I wasn't angry. "I just wanted to see if everything was OK and if I still had a job. If I didn't, I was going back on vacation."

Belinda smiled.

"Your job sucks," she said succinctly. "When you add in Danni's job, it double sucks."

I shrugged.

"You still haven't answered my question," I said. "Why are you here at 9:08 p.m. on a Friday? Your boss would be highly pissed if he knew."

Belinda smiled and shook her head.

"My boss is on vacation," she said. "He won't be back until Monday morning. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"And yet you seemed to know he was here," I said. I thought she knew I was here when she headed straight for my office. I knew it for sure when she didn't bother to check to see if the door was locked.

Belinda eyes shifted nervously.

"Just never mind why I'm here," she said. "Everything here is fine so you just get on home. You are heading home, right?"

"Eventually," I replied. "I want to look at a few more things. I've been incommunicado for almost three weeks."

"Don't remind me," she said. "You have no meetings that I know of scheduled for next week. I really wasn't sure if you were coming back. But your password doesn't work for your e-mail."

She looked upset.

"So if someone sent something there, I wouldn't know about it," she continued.

"Bebe, is something wrong?" I asked. "You did a great job while I was gone. Don't worry about that. I won't hold you accountable for anything sent via e-mail that didn't get addressed. You know me better than that. I sometimes get confidential things sent to me that way. Don't ask me why. It's a terrible way to handle something personal. But yet, every couple of days someone's personnel file comes via e-mail.

"Did someone mention sending something to me? Is that why you're upset? I promise, don't sweat it. Whatever it is, I'll handle it and made sure that any fallout lands on me, not you."

"It's nothing," Belinda said. "Well, we didn't exactly part on good terms."

I laughed.

"Do you think I might have overreacted a little bit?" I asked rolling my eyes. "I can't tell you how badly I feel about the way I treated you. When you come back from your vacation, I will apologize to you in front of everyone."

"I'm not scheduled for vacation until Thanksgiving," Belinda said.

"Yeah, about that," I said. "I was going to call you in the morning. I think there are about two weeks before school starts, right?"

Belinda nodded.

"You have two weeks off with pay," I said. "And I want to pay for a week in Monterrey for you and Jim if you can get your mom to watch the boys. It's a thank you for all you do. Not just when I went mental, but before that, too. I figure a week at home with the boys and a week for just the two of you. If Jim can't do it now, we'll find a way to work it out for you."

Belinda stared at me.

"I was a little worried," she said as she sat down. "I thought you might just say to hell with it. I know things with Julie have been rough. I know I didn't help anything by what I did with Danni's departure either."

I waved my hand dismissively.

"Under the bridge," I said. "Whatever happens with Julie, I'll be fine. Whatever happens with Danni, I'll be fine. But I will not be fine if I lose your friendship because I was selfish and insensitive. You bore the brunt of my problems, through no fault of your own. Danni is your friend and you gave a friend advice. Just because it inconvenienced me does not give me a reason to be angry at you. And please believe me when I tell you that I rescind any threat I may have made directly or implied during my tirade.

"The only way you're leaving here is if you take a new job or retire if I have anything to say about it."

Belinda smiled and leaned forward to pat my hand.

"I was wrong, too, you know," she said. "I didn't consider the affect Danni leaving would have on you. Professionally and personally. I didn't realize how much you relied on her at work. I understand better now. I also didn't know how much you do to keep people off our backs. I understand that, too.

"I'm only surprised you didn't go loopy earlier. But I still think you should go on home and rest. I told everyone about your phone call but everyone is still a little on pins and needles. Monday might be a little awkward. Come on, I'll walk out with you."

Belinda led me to the elevator and on the way down she asked about Julie.

"What about her?" I asked. "I can't make decisions for her. I didn't mean to, but I told her what has to happen for us to be anything more than friends. I might have lost her friendship, too, though. That will bother me more than anything.

"If she wants to date, I think I've made it clear that it will have to be exclusive. If she just wants to be roommates and friends with, uh, intimacy, I'm OK with that, too. But she can't have it both ways."

Belinda nodded.

"She was worried, you know," she said. "She was back in town the next morning. She didn't look as if she'd slept in days. She was frantic when you weren't home. She showed up here about 10 a.m. and I told her about your call.

"She was pretty angry that you called me and not her."

I shrugged.

"I called your voice mail because I wanted you to know I was OK but I didn't want to talk to you," I replied. "There was no way I could do that with Julie. If I called her cell phone, it would leave a number on her caller ID. I didn't want you to know where I was."

"I figured that much out," Bebe said. "But that didn't make it easier for her."

"Well, her shit's still in my garage," I said. "Someone has been staying in my house, so I assume it's her. She must have gotten over it. If she didn't, I'll deal with it when I see her. If I see her. Whatever."

Belinda was shaking her head.

"You don't care if she comes back?" she asked. "It might be best not to let her know that. When you see her, I hope you'll let her know how happy you are she's there."

"She might not be there long," I said. "I don't know. I spent a lot of time worrying about this the first couple of days. I decided there's nothing I can do about anything until she makes up her mind."

"So you'll take her back if she stays here?"

"I don't know," I said truthfully. "Let's be honest, I doubt I'll have to face that. The old problems in our relationship have been replaced with new ones. That's all. It took us five years apart to fix stuff we knew was a problem for years. The new ones are just coming to the front. It's only been a few months. If I were Julie, I wouldn't come back here."

Belinda tilted her head and looked at me.

"Why not? I mean, I could tell that you two love each other."

"Sure we do. We always have. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. There are a lot of things we view differently. There are a lot of things we simply can't agree upon."

"Where does this leave Danni?"

"I don't think it leaves Danni anywhere," I replied. "Danni is wonderful. Don't get me wrong about that. If she and I were to get together, I think it would be fantastic. We probably agree on more things and look at life more similarly than Julie and I do.

"But the real issue, in my mind at least, is what happens when I don't live up what she's created in her mind. It's going to happen, you know. The first time I lose my temper with her the way I did with you or the first time the parts of my personality that you folks here don't see often come out. Danni probably will run for the hills when that happens. It might be best if she and I just stay friends and get to know each other better in that respect before we make any lifelong plans. Of course, if Julie comes back, that tosses another log on the fire. It is unfair for me to expect Julie to leave behind what I'm asking her to and still continue to spend time with Danni. Somehow I don't think Julie would be too willing to let that happen."

We had reached Belinda's car by this point.

"So, in essence, you don't know much more than before you left," she said with a smile.

"I don't know how things will work out," I replied. "But I know it'll be OK either way. Now get home to your family before Jim thinks we're having an affair. If your mom can't take the boys, maybe they could stay with me for a week."

"You have lost your mind," she said. "I would no sooner get back before you would need another break."

"Let me know," I said. "Now get on out of here and I don't want to see or hear from you for two weeks. Even if you and Jim can't get away, my offer to watch the boys still stands and so does your vacation time."

Belinda surprised me with a kiss on the cheek before she got in her car.

"Julie and I have talked almost every day," she said as she started the engine. "She is a mess and you're unannounced vacation didn't help. Keep that in mind before you say something you can't take back."

She drove off before I could ask what she meant. But she sure managed to get my mind racing into places I didn't want it to go.

A couple of more beers on the couch were exactly what I needed. OK, the rest of the six pack but I was still sound asleep before Saturday Night Live was over. Of course that might be a reflection on the quality of the program.

I was awakened by voices and the sound of keys in the lock.

Julie and a woman I didn't recognize entered seconds later. Each seemed surprised to see me. But no more surprised than I was to see them.

"I didn't expect you back until tomorrow," Julie said. "Or maybe later today."

I could tell she was trying to keep her voice light.

"Surprise," I said. I didn't want to get into an argument. "Thanks for taking care of the house while I was gone. I half expected to find mail hanging out the box and a ton of spoiled food in the fridge."

I was still a little tipsy from the beer I had consumed — and the fact I hadn't bothered to pick up the empties clued Julie into my state.

"Uh, did you have a welcome home party and not invite me?" she asked. I had been around her long enough to know the she was still trying to avoid the obvious question: who was her friend and why was she in my house.

"No," I replied.

"When did you get in?" Julie asked as she began gathering up the empty bottles.

"About 8, I guess."

She appeared relieved.

"I went to the office for a couple of hours to check on things."

Her nervousness reappeared. I assumed it was because she thought I was loaded and I would be spoiling for a fight.