Chapter 9

I probably could have been a tad bit more diplomatic with Julie about the e-mail situation. But coupled with my unplanned vacation, I conceivably could have been fired for receiving the pictures.

It was something that I couldn't seem to get across to Julie and her inability to grasp the nuances of corporate politics irritated me. At the same time, I realized that she was naïve to the situation because she had never had to play the game before. There was no way she could know the rules because she had worked as an independent contractor or for herself for almost a decade.

By giving Bebe two weeks off, I was now down two people in my department and my performance before I left had those who remained walking on eggshells.

The tenseness of my office carried over to my house.

Julie was still pissed off because I called her an idiot. And she seemed to harbor resentment that I was right about Tara and her motives.

Either way, it was a quiet night at home. Or at least it was until Danni called.

After a brief conversation with Ms. Dimples, the fireworks really started.

"So, we never got to discuss what you learned on, what did you call it, your sabbatical," Julie said moments after I hung up.

I nodded thoughtfully.

"OK," I said. "What would you like to know? What I decided in general or how it applies to you?"

"Both," she replied. I noticed her eyes were darkening.

"In general, I learned there are a great many things over which I have no control," I said. "In specific, I learned that you are one of them. The result is that I plan to take a step back and let things play out before I make any decisions or commitments."

Apparently that might have been the wrong thing to say.

"So, you have no commitment to me?" Julie almost screamed.

"No more than you have to me," I replied in an even tone. "Ultimately, we each have a commitment to ourselves first."

"What in the fuck does that mean," Julie hissed. "Did you go all fucking Zen Buddhist on me?"

I chuckled — at the joke and at Julie's anger. Luckily for my well being, she thought I was only laughing at her humor.

"No," I answered. "Look, this whole thing with Tara really brought out some different issues for us. You were right. We were apart for five years. I lived mostly by myself during that time and I got used to making decisions for myself."

"Well, so did I," Julie replied hotly.

"I recognize that," I said. "That is probably a good thing — although some of your decisions don't seem entirely well thought out."

Julie had the grace to blush — or perhaps she just got angrier. Either way, her face got redder. Undaunted, I plunged ahead.

"The fact is that we're each guilty of making decisions over the past couple of months without regard to the other," I said. "That is not the hallmark of a strong relationship. I'll admit to the fact that I did consider your feelings when I departed but I disregarded them. At the time, I didn't care if you were angry. Unfortunately, that attitude has carried over to now. I just want to be honest with you."

"So you don't care if I pack up and leave tonight?" she said and I could see tears coming to the corner of her eyes.

"Would I care?" I asked. "Of course I would care. I do love you, Julie. I do enjoy the fact that you're here. I don't want you to go anywhere else. But at the same time I want you to realize that there is a real possibility that you and I can't get to where you seem to want to go."

"Where I seem to want to go?" she asked in a harsh tone. "I think I've been very clear about what I would like to see happen and I think I've done just about everything in my power to get through to you."

I nodded.

"Then perhaps it's just me," I answered. "Look, the whole L.A. thing the first time took me off guard. The fact that you became so good at hiding things from me — and that you still seem to be willing to do that — makes it very difficult for me to allow you that power again."

"But I'm not the same person," Julie said. "We spent 11 years together. We were committed to each other."

"Really?" I wondered. "Did that seem like a commitment to you? Listen, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way. You say you base your ideal relationship on what you put into your strip. Tell me more about that? Does it include hiding things? Does it include refusing to listen to another side of things? Tell me what you expect from me and maybe I can give you a better idea of whether I can meet those ideals."

Julie's eyes narrowed and she tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling.

"Well, first off Adam is based on the David I remember not the David that is here now," she said. "That casts a different light on things. Your personality is harder than it used to be. I'm sure I'm responsible for some of it but I also think your responsibilities at work are to blame somewhat, too."

I nodded my agreement.

"That is something else I realized while I was away," I said. "You're not the only person I've kept at arms length. I've lost touch with most of my old friends and I've failed to create new ones."

"You haven't seemed to keep Danni at arms length," Julie offered. "You and I are sitting here in stony silence and suddenly you're Mr. Personality when she is on the phone with you."

"I think that can be chalked up to the fact that I'm not angry and frustrated with Danni," I replied.

"Of course not!" Julie said loudly. "She pushes those tits out at you and smiles and you're a fucking puddle at her feet."

"I was on the phone with her," I said incredulously. "I haven't seen her in almost two months. There was no way I could see her tits or her smile. Jesus Christ!"

Julie took a deep breath and laughed out loud.

"Yeah, you got me on that one," she replied. "Still, the shift in your attitude was disconcerting. It hurt me."

"OK," I said. "For that, I apologize. My conversation with Danni was not intended to hurt you. She heard about my meltdown and she wanted to make sure I was OK."

Julie got a triumphant look on her face.

"Just like I did with Tara," she said.

"Except for the fact she didn't offer to come over to make sure I was fine," I replied. "She didn't offer to abandon the life she is trying to lead to ensure it. She didn't create a rift by checking up on me. She seems to understand that her presence in our lives is a complication."

I expressly left out the part where she had offered to come over, jokingly, the day before.

"Now, what do you think are the things that will lead you from Tracy to Ellie?" I asked in a valiant attempt to get the conversation off Danni Dimples. "And if my personality is so divergent from what you remember, are you certain that you want to?"

Julie was silent for almost a full minute.

"There are times when I want to very much," she answered finally. "And there are times that I wonder if it is worth the hassle."

"Then we agree on that fact," I offered. "The problem with our marriage was that it got to be a hassle more often than it was worth it. I don't want to see that happen again. We both agree that the last time, before you went to L.A., was really the best portion of our marriage."

Julie nodded her assent.

"I've thought about those six months very often over the past few years and more often over the past few weeks," I continued. "I think we both started to learn a little about the person we turned out to be. I realized that I had to take life a little more seriously. You learned that you had to make a little time for other things besides work. Although we divorced, I think we each carried those over to afterward."

Julie again agreed.

"I think we also became a little closer as friends during that time," I proposed. "We spent more time talking about things and more time just doing stuff together, even if it was just sitting down and paying bills. We each made a concerted effort to find common ground on contentious issues."

Julie had stopped nodding but now had a thoughtful look on her face.

"I can see that," she admitted. "We would compromise on things. You even took a marginal interest in politics so you could offer cartoon ideas. I really appreciated that you did that."

I pursed my lips because that wasn't exactly the way I remembered it.

"OK, maybe I didn't appreciate it at the time," Julie said with a slight smile. "But in retrospect, I really appreciated it. When I reflected back on our lives together, I came to appreciate a lot of the things you did that I probably didn't grasp at the time. I guess I didn't really understand it until you weren't there to do it. I guess I thought that everyone would act that way. They don't, by the way."

I offered a half smile.

"And I underestimated the bond we shared," I replied. "One of the reasons I closed myself off was because I couldn't find anyone else I wanted to share my life with."

"You couldn't find anyone else who would put up with your crap," Julie said playfully.

"That, too," I said earnestly. "But, back to the point, over the past few years we haven't had to compromise — at least I haven't — so I think I misplaced those skills. I'm used to getting my way whenever I want something and I suspect that you are, too."