Chapter 8: Saturday 28 September 2007

Bethesda Maryland — Saturday Day Twenty-nine

I slept in the basement room again last night. Both Jens and Liz were a drunken mess when we got home.

I carried Jens into the house and Phil carried Liz. Mom took one look at them and had us put them in Jens's bedroom and she took over.

So here I am at o'dark-thirty again wide awake and wondering if I dare wake them up this morning and how I should wake them up.

The devil in me told me I should get out the air horn again — the angel told me that I should let my sleeping she-devil-dog lie. For once, the angel won. Hmmm — perhaps Jens has changed me.

I hopped out of bed and got dressed in today's workout clothes. My t-shirt today was provocative, it had a hot girl with an M4 on it and said. "MARINES -Tap Rack Bang¹."

¹ (TRB: How you clear an automatic weapon — Tap the magazine back in, Rack the action, Bang when you pull the trigger.)

I ran up the stairs two at time and ran into the kitchen. Shit! No one is up yet — well I'll continue to be good today. I started the coffee making it twice as strong as normal today. While I waited for the pot to make the all done noise I made some toast.

I poured two cups of coffee, threw in an ungodly amount of sugar and cream and grabbed four ibuprofens out of the cabinet. I buttered the toast and placed everything on a nice tray, and added a couple of roses from the vase.

I walked down the hallway and pushed Jens's door open. She and Liz were cuddled up to each other snoring up a storm. If I were into that sort of thing, it'd be sexy as hell. It sounded like a fight between two chainsaws.

I flipped on the bathroom light, went to the foot of the bed and jiggled it with my knee, the snoring turned into sputtering. I kicked it again harder and the snoring and sputtering stopped and I started to hear some moaning.

"O-h-h-h! My head." Jens complained.

"S-h-h-h! Don't talk so loud." Liz added.

They opened their eyes and realized they were hugging each other and quickly scooted apart.

I laughed much too loudly.

"Hey! Can you keep it down? My head hurts." Jens griped.

"I have a peace offering." and replied with a smile.

They both looked at me with the tray. I moved over and put it between them on the bed.

Jens went to give me a kiss and I pulled back, "Sorry my love. Your breath isn't minty fresh this morning. In smells like something that was left on the floor of the bar last night."

She wasn't happy, but put her hand in front of her mouth and sniffed her breath. She whispered, "Whew, that's nasty smelling."

Liz looked at the tray, "Thank you Ben. You did all this for us?"

"It's not much, but finish everything and you'll feel good enough for PT in a half hour." I answered.

They both took a sip of the coffee and frowned, "Damn! What did you put in this?" Jens complained.

"After last night's debauchery you two need some caffeine and sugar in your system. Drink it and stop complaining otherwise I'll take it all away. Don't take the ibuprofen until after you eat at least one slice of toast.

"You two are grumpy. I'm leaving to wake up Mom and Dad. Don't you dare fall back to sleep otherwise I'll go get the airhorn." I said.

Liz looked at Jens, "An airhorn. He wouldn't dare."

"Oh yes he would. We used it on Mom and Dad the other day."

I left the room and headed towards Mom and Dad's bedroom. I opened the door and it was empty. I heard a "psst" from down the hall and saw Mom motioning me towards the kitchen. I closed their door and headed towards the kitchen. Mom and Dad were at the table.

"Damn! That's a great shirt." Dad remarked.

Mom looked at it and gave me the evil eye, "Jens isn't going to like that."

"You both look good in your new workout gear."

"How are the girls doing this morning?" Mom questioned.

I laughed, "They're a mess and smell even worse. I'm not sleeping in that bed until Jens changes the sheets."

"How did they get so filthy and bruise their hands so much?" Mom wondered.

I told them all about the good time we had at the bar and how Jugs came up and kissed me - and the fight that ensued with Liz helping out Jens.

Dad looked worried, "I hope Jens didn't throw the first punch."

"Well, she did throw the first punch." Dad looked even worse, " ... but only after Jugs slapped her."

"Shit! You bastard, you had me really worried!"

I laughed, "But I bet it did wake you up."

Mom laughed, "Damn! You keep things interesting around here."

Jens and Liz shuffled into the kitchen yawning the whole time.

'Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in." Dad laughed. They both responded by flipping him the bird.

'Young ladies. Is that any way to treat your elders?" Mom complained. So they both flipped her the bird too.

"I should spank both of you!" She scolded.

"Both of us should spank you!" Jens shot back.

Mom's mouth dropped open and I could see a war brewing.

So I added my two cents, "Damn! I wish I wouldn't have woke up Miss Crabby. I wish I would have let her sleep in."

Dad started laughing but Jens was a bit slow this morning. It took her about thirty seconds to figure out I meant her.

She gave me her sad little girl look, "I'm sorry honey. You're right and should call me Miss Crabby all day. Sorry Mom and Dad."

"I'd rather call you Miss Delicious." I quipped.

Jens wrinkled her forehead and looked at me, "I can't understand your jokes today. Please have mercy."

I did have mercy, "Well, you're the apple of my eye." She still looked puzzled, "Crab Apple — Red Delicious Apple."

She smiled and came over for a kiss.

I hesitated. "Did you brush your teeth first?"

"No, I brushed my teeth twice. Now give me my good morning kiss before I kick your butt." Jens threatened.

I hugged her and gave her a kiss; but I sniffed loudly when she pulled away.

"What! Don't tell me that I stink too?" She frowned.

I smiled, "Gotcha."

Jens looked at my t-shirt, "Stand up! I want to see that shirt."

I stood up and she eyed the t-shirt. Then came and gave me a big hug, "You can TRB me any time you want."

Liz broke out laughing, "I wish that I could tape you two twenty-four hours a day. We'd make a fortune."

I looked at her, "Where'd you get the workout clothes?"

"Jens loaned them to me. We're almost the same size."

She'd always been such a bitch that I'd never bothered to look at her like she was a woman. They were close to the same size, her breasts —"

Jens interrupted me, "- don't even continue with that thought Mister. I'm in no mood for that this morning."

Liz looked at her funny. Jens explained how we can sense each other's feelings.

"Well that's about the strangest thing I've ever heard." Liz remarked, "I wonder if we can get a federal grant to have a study done on you two."

I gave her the evil eye, "I'm not going to be a fricken monkey in a fucking study so you can forget that."

"Don't worry Liz, I'll work on him and he'll agree to it." Jens told her.

I looked at both of them and finally figured out they were teasing me. They both started laughing.

"I hope that was a lot of fun for the two of you. You should know better than to aggravate your DI. When you do that you just get him pissed and he makes the workout harder." I looked around the room and no one was laughing.

"Good, enough of wasting time. For the next hour and a half your asses are mine. NOW! Move it downstairs."

They all started stepping and fetching — like their heads were on fire and their asses were catching it. Sometimes it was nice being the boss especially when I could be the boss spelled backwards — double SOB. I took my time and sauntered down the stairs. Dad already had the Bowflex setup and they started in on the exercises. This was a big change from the first day.

I looked around, "Where's the water and the towels?"

There was a mad scramble and everyone but Liz took off to get them. Liz looked confused.

"What are you standing around for? Time to do some squats," I ordered. So we started doing squats together. Yes it was good being the double SOB.

Liz was dying by the time that the rest got back.

She looked at Jens, "Thanks for leaving me with this-this-this workout maniac."

Jens shushed her but it was too late.

I gave her and evil look, "Jens please tell her what happens when you call the DI names."

She gulped and said, "The wonderful DI makes us work harder."

Liz looked around, "You guys let him do this to you?"

They all nodded their heads.

She looked at me, "So what the hell are you going to do to me if I say no?"

I smiled at her, "Great Chief Run-amok will magically appear and make you pay."

Jens walked over and whispered something in her ear.

Liz looked at me and said, "Well, I don't know about Great Chief fulla-hooey. But Jens asked me if I'd just do this so I will."

We finished the rest of the workout without incident.

When we finished Liz fell to the floor, "Damn! That was a workout. I'm ready for a rest."

"We're not done yet," I said. "Now it's time to run."

"A run! Are you crazy?" She asked.

"I never said, I was sane." I replied. "You'll feel much better after you sweat out the rest of the toxins from your binge last night."

"I'll go call the Secret Service." Mom volunteered and took off upstairs.

"I need to get my shoes." Dad said and left.

I motioned for Jens and we sat on the floor by Liz, "So, did you have fun today?"

"Yeah I did. It was a good workout." She replied.

"So why are you being such a pain in the ass about it?" I questioned.

"I don't know. It just seemed strange that everyone decided that you were the boss."

Jens answered, "He's the boss because he's the best one for the job today. Just like you're the boss when you're shooting videos or interviewing us. Would you like it if Ben acted that way when you were trying to do your job?"

"Well, I can remember when he was a real pain in the ass and I hated it." Liz answered and then it looked like a light bulb went on over her head. "I understand. We're a team now and we need to work together."

"You're pretty smart for a girl news reporter." I teased.

Liz smacked me on one arm and Jens on the other.

"I think you meant to say, she's a pretty girl and a smart news reporter. Didn't you dear?"

I laughed and said in a sarcastic tone, "Yes dear."

Next thing I know they both tackled me. "Hey! No fair two against one." I complained.

It was damn hard, having two squirming women to fight. But I discovered that Liz was just as ticklish as Jens and soon I had both of them on the floor wriggling and giggling.

"Stay still or I'll keep tickling." I ordered and stopped.

Jens didn't move but Liz did so I tickled her some more.

"No, I'll stop." She said and didn't move.

"So what's going on with you two?" I asked.

They turned their heads and looked at each other.

Jens replied, "I don't know. Liz is sort of like the sister I never had."

"And Jens is like the sister I never had." Liz added.

I looked at both of them, "Well isn't this great. Now I've got double —" as I started tickling Jens. "And trouble." Then started tickling Liz.

Jens grabbed both my hands and Liz attacked.

"We'll teach you to attack us." Liz said.

"Yeah, you big bully. I'm tired of you tickling me." Jens added.

They were ganging up on me and doing a pretty good job of it. One of them was keeping my hands busy and the other was poking me. It didn't tickle but it was annoying.

"Quit it you two." I complained.

"Oh, you don't like to be poked." Jens said and poked me some more while Liz kept my hands busy.

"I mean it." I griped.

"What's wrong, can't you take it." Liz teased.

I pulled my arms free. Jens said, "Red Alert! Let's get out of here." And they both took off running.

I sat up and laughed to myself. I never thought two days ago that I'd be wrestling with Ms. Elizabeth Morgan like she was my sister. Damn! Her and Jens have had some sort of bonding and have become some sort of team.

I walked upstairs and Mom, Jens and Liz were gabbing away. Dad looked miserable.

"Shit! Finally some testosterone to offset all this estrogen; I thought I was going to go crazy."

"It's good to see you too Dad."

I sat at the table and the women didn't even notice. I looked over at Dad.

"They've been like this ever since the basement. I can't even get any food." Dad complained.

I was just getting up to make some breakfast shakes when the doorbell rang. I walked to the front door and the Secret Service was here.

Buddy said, "Hey you guys ready to go?"

"Sure, let me get everyone else." I replied.

I walked in the kitchen the women were still oblivious to us. I motioned to Dad and he got up and followed me. "It's just the two of us today Buddy. And we need to stop by somewhere and pickup a couple breakfast sandwiches." I said.

"Damn! I'm going to get some real food for breakfast. I want three of those sandwiches, they're small." Dad added.

I glanced at him, "I wouldn't recommend that. You'll end up puking them up while we're running."

As we walked to the van I asked, "Buddy, can we get the other agents to watch the women at the house? I don't want to leave them without protection."

"No problem, I'll make the call."

We hopped in the van, Buddy called for extra troops and we headed over to a burger joint.

I did relent and bought Dad a couple of sandwiches.

"A-h-h-h, now that's what I call a real breakfast." Dad sighed.

"Well. If you worked out hard every day, you could eat like that every day. Did you ever hear of the Amish Diet?" I asked.

"No. What the hell is that?"

"You get to eat whatever you want each day —"

Dad interrupted, "That sounds like my sort of diet."

"- as long as you walk at least eighteen-thousand steps a day."

Dad frowned, "I knew there was a catch."

We arrived at the track and both jumped out of the van. "I was so busy yesterday killing all the paleface I forgot to show you how to run right. We're going to correct that today."

We stood by the side of the track as I explained how he needed to run on the balls of his feet. How he should never let his heels hit the ground first and how his knees should stay slightly bent.

"This sounds really strange to me." Dad remarked.

"It did at first for me. But if you try it you'll see that it really works. You're not going to run as far today because your calves are quads are going to get a real workout."

We began slowly and he didn't have the hang of it.

"Stop, you're doing it all wrong. Let's try this, take off your shoes and run barefoot." I ordered.

"I'll ruin my socks." He complained.

"Then I'll buy you a new pair."

He grumbled a little but did as I asked.

After a couple steps of letting his heels hit, he figured it out and was running much smoother.

"I'm still not sure about this, but it is easier on my back and knees." Dad mentioned.

We'd done a couple laps when another black car pulled up to the track. The women piled out and started heading to the track.

We ran by and Dad said, "It's about time you showed up. We're almost done."

They fell in behind us running very slow and still jabbering to each other. Dad was doing so well that we soon came up behind them.

I looked over at Dad, winked and started singing to the tune of "Cops":

Fat Butts, Fat Butts

What ya gonna do.

What ya gonna do

When they're in front of you!

Dad started laughing and stopped running.

The women turned and I ran past them, "FAT BOTTOM GIRLS you make the rockin' world go round." I yelled.

"We'll show you fat." Jens yelled and they started chasing me. "You just wait until we catch you."

I hollered back over my shoulder, "What are you going to do? Sit on me and squash me."

"I'm going spank you young man." Mom yelled.

"And we're going to hold you down so she can." Liz added.

"I was going to say big talk for little girls, but I don't see any little here." I shot back.

Mom fell behind Jens and Liz, and then Jens fell behind Liz. I suddenly figured out that Liz could run — that Liz could really run.

"You go girl. Catch his ass and make him pay." Jens encouraged.

I ran my hardest and she still gained on me.

She came up right behind me. "I guess you're not as fast as you thought you were."

"Shit! How'd you get so fast?" I asked.

"I was on the track team at Berkley." She replied.

"You went to Bezerkley? That explains everything."

She lunged and tackled me onto the grassy infield. "Hey, the school was good even if the politics sucked."

"Wooo Hooo!" Jens yelled, "You caught him. Keep him down, I'm coming to help."

I'd just gotten free when Jens flew in and tried to grab me. "Not so fast Mister." I ducked, she missed me, ran into Liz and they fell in a heap. I was getting ready to take off when...

"Son-of-a-bitch! That hurt." Jens complained.

I stopped and went over to her, "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I caught Liz's elbow in my low belly and it hurts." Jens complained.

"Lie down and let me take a look." I checked her out and her low belly was a little tender.

Mom and Dad ran up. "Are you happy now? All your horseplay has caused my little girl to get hurt." Mom yelled angrily. She went over to her and looked at her.

"I'm fine Mom. It's hardly sore now." Jens said.

Mom helped Jens up; I went over by her and got a dirty look.

"M-o-o-o-m, quit being mean to Ben. It was an honest accident." Jens admonished.

She came over and hugged me, "Thanks my love for taking care of me."

I put my arm around her right side, Liz got on her left side and we helped her to the van.

"Evelyn, let's ride in the car." Dad said.

Mom wanted to argue, but could tell that Dad had his reasons and she came over and kissed Jens on the cheek.

"You take good care of my daughter." Mom ordered.

"Yes ma'am." Liz and I both said.

Dad grabbed her arm and led her away.

"Whew, I wasn't sure I was going to survive that. I felt like I was between a mama bear and her cub." I said.

Jens and Liz laughed. "Mom gets sort of protective of me."

"Sort of!" I remarked, "I still remember when she threatened to castrate me."

"Wh-a-a-at?" Liz said. "She said what to you."

Jens described the first time I danced with mom.

"And you weren't afraid of her?" Liz asked me.

I smiled, "I offered to give her my Ka-Bar if she ever needed it."

"That took balls." She answered and we all had a great laugh, even Buddy and Phil joined in.

"How are you feeling Jens?" I asked.

"Much better. It's just a little sore. I think that I bruised it." She answered and smiled.

The van pulled up to the house and a large group of people were milling around.

"Look Ben it's the girls from yesterday." Jens noticed. "I guess they could all make the sailing date for today."

Shit, I'd forgotten about sailing. "Are you sure you're well enough to go?" I ask Jens.

"Don't be silly of course I am. And I'm not letting you out of this so don't even try."

I remembered my shirt and figured it wouldn't be appropriate for the young ladies. So I started peeling it off.

Liz looked at me, "Damn you have a bunch of scars on your body. Are those bullet holes?"

I flipped my shirt wrong side out and put it back on, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Jens reached over and squeezed Liz's hand, "He doesn't like to talk about his badges of glory.

"Thanks Honey for taking care of the t-shirt. I'm sure the girl's parents wouldn't have understood."

The van stopped and we hopped out. Miranda and the girls saw us and ran over to talk to Jens. I took advantage of everyone being distracted and slipped into the house. I headed down to the basement and jumped right in the shower. Ten minutes later I was done, changed and headed back upstairs.

Mom and Dad had shown up and they were all talking on the front yard.

I walked up to Jens, "Hey! You're all showered and changed. When did you do that?"

"I did it while you all were talking. I figured that no one would miss me."

Miranda, the other girls and all the parents walked up, "Well you are very wrong. We all missed you." She came over and gave me a hug; the other girls did the same. I looked over at Jens worried that she might be upset but she was beaming. The girl's parents came up and started shaking my hand and congratulating me as if I was some sort of hero.

"We're so glad to meet you." Miranda's mom said, "I don't know what you said to her yesterday but she's not the same girl that she was when she went to the mall. All she's done is talk about you and Jens ever since she got home. She even threw away a bunch of the clothes that we didn't like. She said she didn't want to look like a slut."

Miranda's dad came up, "Let me shake your hand! You are a remarkable young man. I saw the video of the way Miranda flirted with you and I was shocked. Most men would have looked, but you turned your head."

I was getting embarrassed and could feel the redness starting to creep up my face. I looked over at Jens and she came over and rescued me, "Sorry folks. Ben doesn't do well with compliments he gets embarrassed. But know that everything you've said has touched his heart."

It didn't end until each parent had thanked us. By the time they were done, I was finished. I looked at Jens, "I'm tired and wore out. I'm going to take a nap while the rest of you get ready to go."

The girls all said goodbye to their parents and we all went in the house. I took off for the basement and a nap while everyone else got ready to go sailing.

I don't know how long I slept, but when I woke up Jens was on the bed beside me and looking at me. "I love watching you sleep. When you sleep you let your guard down and I can see the real Ben."

"So what am I when I'm awake, the fake Ben?"

"No, you're the Ben that you expect people want to see." She leaned over and kissed me. "You're a good man; it's a shame that the world won't let you be who you really are."

I grinned at her, scrunched one eye closed and said, "I yam what I yam."

"Was that supposed to be — Popeye? If so that was terrible." Jens teased.

"Hey it couldn't have been too bad if you understood who it was."

"Come on my lazy boy, let's go sailing." Jens said.

She stood up and said, "Damn, I'm still a little sore."

I jumped up, "Are you sure you're okay? Maybe we need to go to the doctor."

She looked at me and smiled, "You must really love me if you'd go to the doctor with me. I know how much you hate doctors and hospitals." Then she gave me a kiss that astounded me.

"Let's go sailorman." She teased.

"Shit! I'm not a sailor." I replied.

"Well you pretended to be Popeye so I thought you'd jumped ship." She chided.

I laughed, "You're right."

"Just remember that and we'll get along just fine." She grinned at me.

I wanted to swat her butt, but I was concerned about hurting her so I wrapped my arm around her and we walked upstairs.

The kitchen was a flurry of activity and Mom was giving orders as if she was the General. Everyone was all hauling bags out to the waiting vans. It looked more as if we were going on a campaign, not sailing for part of a day.

"It's about fricken time you woke up and earned your keep. Hump these coolers of drinks out to the van." Mom ordered.

"Yes Sir!" I answered.

"Watch your mouth or I'll wash it out with soap." She grumped.

Jens gave me a look, came over and whispered in my ear, "You'd better cool it with Mom, she's pretty pissed off."

I walked over to her and Jens followed, "Mom, it bothers me even more than it bothers you that Jens was hurt. I'm sorry it happened and I hope that she never gets hurt again. Being angry at me all day won't help her feel better."

Jens was hugging me, Mom was watching us and said, "Shit! I hate that you're right so often. Sorry for getting upset at you, but when Jens gets hurt, I get upset."

I humped the coolers out to the van and came back in, "What's next Mom?"

"Please help with the rest of the food. Ben." She smiled at me.

We were finally packed and ready to go. All the women and girls piled in the van.

I looked at Dad, "I think we'll take the car."

"Damn straight! That's too much estrogen for me." He laughed.

The drive to the Washington Sailing Marina was uneventful other than having to drive into Washington DC. I looked out the window the whole way and shook my head.

"How in the hell can people live like this?" I asked Dad.

"You get numb after awhile and don't even notice it." He replied.

The closer we came to the marina, the more I missed Colorado. I was really looking forward to being home tomorrow. I couldn't wait to see the rebuilt cabin. Especially, to give Jens her HUGE surprise. I'd had to sneak some phone calls in to one of my friends in Leadville to make sure that things were going to be ready.

We pulled up to the Marina and I knew it was time for the brawn of the unit to earn his keep. I bounded out of the car and headed up to the van and opened the side door. The women and girls piled out like a gaggle of geese.

Jens stopped and looked at me, "I get my surprise tomorrow." She said sensing my feelings.

Shit, I almost let the cat out of the bag. "What surprise?" I teased.

She must have been feeling better because she punched me in the arm, "You little shit! The fricken huge surprise you've been teasing me about. You just wait. Someday I'm going to have a huge surprise and I'm going to tease the hell out of you about it."

I started to open my mouth, "I know what you're going to say before you even say it. And yes someday sure as hell is going to come."

I started grabbing all the crap that we needed for our partial day of sailing and humping it down the dock to the sailboat. I looked at it, "Hey Dad! I don't know much about sailboats. What sort of sailboat is this?"

Dad smiled, I could tell it was his pride and joy, "It a Morgan 46.2 Ketch that was built in the early eighties."

I looked dumbfounded not knowing what anything meant, Jens walked up, "Don't worry Ben. When Daddy starts talking about his sailboat I wonder if he trades his general stars for admiral bars."

"Hey I can still make you swab the deck or walk the plank." Dad threatened.

"Not on my boat." Mom came up and said.

"Evelyn, I keep telling you, it's a ship not a boat." Dad complained.

"Keep talking Glen and I'll start calling it a garbage scow."

Dad looked a little hurt, "Oh come on Glen. You know I'm just teasing you. I love our little boat."

He looked even more dejected. Mom winked at us and said, "Why is it that men get all upset when you tease them about the size of their toys."

I started laughing and the girls walked up with a load of crap. "What's so funny?" Miranda asked.

"Ask Mom. I need to go and get more gear." And I took off. I was able to get the last of the crap and came up to the sailboat. "PTB² Sir." I said to Dad.

² (PTB: Permission To Board.)

He grinned, "Aye permission granted."

I walked across the gangplank and set down the bags. I reached in my day pack and pulled out an eye patch, bandana, fake parrot and plastic sword and transformed myself into the dread pirate No-beard.

I went below to stow the rest of the gear, Mom gave me a dirty look.

"Ben, put that gear over there under the bunks." Mom ordered.

"Aye, aye Captain." I shot back.

The girls came out of the forward bunks, saw me and started laughing at my pirate imitation.

I looked at Jens and Liz, "At least someone appreciates my humor."

Liz said, "What humor?"

I pulled out my sword and started waving it around, "Avast ye surly wench. Thou hast offended mighty No-beard. Prepare to die."

Mom came over and took the sword away, "No more of that crap today. Jens has already been hurt."

The girls were completely entertained and were laughing so hard that they couldn't talk.

"Arrgh, I thinks I prefer the company of the young winsome lasses to the old sea hags. Ladies, accompany me up to the aft poop deck." I held out my hands for them. They kept laughing some of them so hard they were crying.

"Hey! Who you calling old!" Jens barked.

"And who are you calling a sea hag." Liz added.

Mom said, "Get out of my galley you-you-you reject from Annapolis. Before I skin you alive."