October 2003. London, England.

It is hard to concentrate when you are being eaten out skillfully by a beautiful redhead.

This Erika Christensen was learning firsthand. She lay naked in a pile of cushions, her equally undressed friend Alicia Witt's head buried between her legs. One of Alicia's hands was squeezing and caressing at each of Erika's thighs while her tongue licked the space between. Up and down, side to side, lingering for a moment on the clitoris and then stabbing past it and within. "Ahh!!" Erika screamed as Alicia hit a key spot, her hands grabbing at her breasts. She flicked her thumbs at her nipples and rubbed their undersides, at the same time opening her legs wider as Alicia leaned in. The other actress held them steady, licking in circles now and varying her speed so as to hold Erika off.

Good, Erika thought, shaking out her long curly blonde hair. You're learning well for someone who's only been doing this about three weeks. But of course you're a prodigy, so you've always been a fast learner. She grinned, reflecting on their relationship's history while the licking went on.

Erika and Alicia had known each other for almost two years. They had met at a movie premiere, and found themselves linked by common interests and personality traits. Both were actresses, young, and experienced with the Hollywood scene. Neither was that famous, nor was becoming so important to them. Instead they merely wanted to experience as much of life as they could, and they each saw acting as the best way to do that their talents allowed. Their friendship was a somewhat distant one, the circumstances of their careers keeping them apart, but they had still regularly been able to make time to see one another and hang out.

Alicia's always seen in me the kind of actress she wanted to be, Erika thought. Every role I've ever done in films, TV shows, and music has been memorable. I've never failed to get acclaim, from critics or fans. At the time we met, my career was recovering from a downturn, while hers was in the middle of one. She was becoming disillusioned with Hollywood, taking fewer and fewer parts as her movies either bombed, got flamed by critics, or both. Her TV career was similar, the appearances small and far between. Even when she got praised, people just weren't allowing Alicia to hang around long. Or she got cable movies that were seen by few and not that great. Her love life was equally disappointing.

Then she met me. Someone younger than she was, and apparently happier. I was so sure of myself I was able to tell off major Hollywood players trying to suggest to me what I should do with my fame and barely bat an eye. I got hurt, but I never let it seem to get me down. I stayed out of the spotlight, but still attracted a good amount of notice and praise in the same sort of roles she used to do as a child. I also seemed wiser about the world than she was, and more content with it. All these things kept Alicia interested in being around me. Even as our career paths diverged, even as she moved to London to get away from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles, even as my career continued to do well while hers stayed pretty slow.

Just recently, we got closer. Alicia and I were cast in the same film, a drama called The Upside of Anger. We formed a sexual relationship with our co-stars, Keri Russell and Evan Rachel Wood. I didn't know they were swingers before it began, I was only trying to make friends with them. Alicia knew I was into the lifestyle, but she kept it secret. Until, that is, we let Keri and Evan seduce us both. Something really great was formed that day, and it continues now.

Erika grinned as one of Alicia's hands came up across her waist, rubbed at her stomach and chest. She caressed its wrist with her own hand, then leaned down and stroked Alicia's hair. She recalled how their latest coupling had begun. Another day off from filming, not much to do. I was hanging out here at our favorite London club, discussing philosophy with the manager. Then Alicia came up to me, said she needed to talk to me about something in private. I was happy to oblige- I've been a confessor for her since the day we met. Doug gave us one of the VIP rooms, and then as soon as we got up here Alicia started giving me one hot kiss after another. I eagerly returned them, and pretty soon we ended up in our current condition.

You could have just said you wanted to do it with me, Erika chuckled to herself, looking over Alicia's pale freckled flesh. Inside Out is a swingers' haven- no one would have minded. There are many people at the club who know who we are- how can they not?- but I doubt any of them would have dared to call the tabloids. But of course you're still paranoid and naive about all this. Oh well, we'll work on that. I know from personal experience that the more one gets involved in this, the braver they get. You obviously still have a ways to go.

She gasped as Alicia's tongue jabbed into her, pleasure welling up from within her body as juice flooded out. "Yes!!" Erika cried out, feeling something rise and wash over her. "Yes!!" Alicia lapped more eagerly as she crested, her hands pressing hard against Erika's thigh and hip. "Ahh!!!" Erika flung her head from side to side, crying out again and then closing her mouth as the emotion died away. Great, she thought, though not that intense. Of course, I'm sure that was only the first one. We have all night to give each other more before we have to go back to our ordinary lives.

Alicia took her mouth away from Erika's pussy and smiled, pulling her slim body up alongside Erika's lush one. She leaned in and kissed Erika, who lapped eagerly at the essence on her lips. The redhead met Erika's tongue with her own, then broke their kiss, smiling.

Erika smiled back. "Thanks," she said. "Shall I do you?"

Her hand moved towards her friend, but Alicia stopped it with a grab. "Later. I need you to tell me about something."

Uh oh, Erika thought. This was just a prelude, only not the sort I thought. Please don't say you're considering giving this up again, Alicia. You've been enjoying it so much. So have the rest of us. I know you were reluctant in the beginning, you always have been, but didn't we talk you out of that? Come on!

She blinked her blue eyes, then looked into Alicia's brown ones. "What's the matter? You know you can talk to me about anything- what is it?"

Alicia grimaced. "You remember the first time we kissed?"

Erika nodded, thinking back.

Feburary 2002. Los Angeles, CA.

"Man," Alicia said, opening her apartment door and stepping through. "What a drag of a night this has been."

Erika shook her head in agreement, following. They had been going out to the clubs of Los Angeles as they often did, trying to pick up guys. Alicia had suffered a recent breakup, and was looking to jump back in the pool with both feet. Erika was trying to help her out, and maybe score something for herself too. But for some reason none of the guys they'd spoken to that night had been interested. No one had asked them to dance, and those they'd asked had declined. They had tried many possibles, but none had been successful.

Maybe we should have reminded them about the movies we've been in, Erika thought. Neither Alicia or I have had anything come out in a while, so they didn't recognize us. So perhaps if we'd reminded them of Traffic or Vanilla Sky...

No, she grimaced. That might have not worked either. The guys might not have seen those movies, and even if they did, they might not have believed us. Then, of course, even if they believed us, not everyone is into movie stars. Nah, it's probably better that we didn't try that. Alicia's right, sucky night. Unless ... A thought occurred to her and she grinned.

"Thanks for driving me home," Alicia said, turning to face Erika after shutting the door. "I'll see you again this weekend, we can keep trying. Maybe we'll have better luck soon."

Erika nodded and held up her hand. This is the perfect opportunity, she thought. I've known her long enough, I like her, I can't let it go. "Alicia, wait. We can still have fun tonight."

Alicia frowned. "What do you mean?"

Erika smirked, then leaned close to the taller girl and stood up slightly, extending her arms. She took hold of Alicia's face and kissed her lips, sparking a gasp from the redhead. Alicia's hands rose almost instantly, grabbing Erika's shoulders and pushing hard at them. Oh no, Erika thought, sensing her resistance. Don't do that! You have to like this. Come on! She kept her lips on Alicia's, her fingers stroking the other girl's cheeks. Alicia seemed to echo her fervor, and Erika smiled, opening her mouth. Her tongue moved forward, tapped at the wall of Alicia's lips. They did not part, however. Instead, Alicia shook her head and pulled away, a shocked look on her face. Shit, Erika thought.

"I'm sorry," she said, taking a step back from Alicia. "Was I too fast? I..."

Alicia stopped her with a raised hand, still looking bemused. "What made you think you could do that?"

"Uh..." Erika stammered. Get a hold of yourself!, she commanded her insides. "I've known you for two months, we're good friends, we didn't have any other options tonight, and..."

"I'm not into that, Erika."

Erika's mouth fell open. "You gotta be kidding me! All the lesbian movies you've been in? Fun, Four Rooms, Gen 13..."

"I was acting!" Alicia turned away from her, grimacing and putting a hand to her mouth. She dropped it, then turned back to Erika. "I never thought you..."

Damn it, Erika said to herself. I really jumped too fast here. "I'm sorry. You know I swing, right? I've told you I'm not exclusive with anyone."

"But you didn't tell me you were..." Alicia shook her head. "I probably should have asked. I'm sorry, Erika. I'm sorry."

Erika stared at her. "So you're not into women? I thought when you smiled at those lesbians who came up to us last week and said they loved you in Fun..."

"I was humoring them! I gave them an autograph, then they left. I'm not ... I like guys, Erika."

"That's not a problem. I like guys too. I just also like..."

"But I don't!"

Your kiss made me think otherwise for a second, Erika almost said. Then she shook her head, discarding the idea. Geena warned you about this, she reminded herself. You've role-played the possibility with her and your other girlfriends. You could use the tactics you've developed, but they might not work. You don't want to drive Alicia away. Besides, you've been rejected before and still stayed friends with the girl, right? Try that here.

"I'm really sorry," she sighed. She raised her hand to tap Alicia's shoulder, then dropped it. "I thought you'd be into it. I should have asked you first, I guess."

Alicia nodded, calming down. "It's alright. You just ... shocked me. I thought there were no gay Scien..."

"There are," Erika cut off the common misconception. "We just don't get as much press as the people who have problems with homosexuality."

"I see." Alicia choked back a laugh. "I should have expected this. The conversation you and Tom Cruise were having when we met..."

"Right," Erika grinned. "People like him and people like me have had a lot of disagreements."

Alicia laughed. "You'll never stop surprising me, will you?"

"I hope not," Erika said. "Listen, it's okay that you're not into it. I shouldn't have pushed you. Still friends?"

"Of course," Alicia said, putting her hands together. She looked at the door. "I'm just tired after tonight. I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Sure," Erika replied. "See you then." She opened the door and walked out, trying hard not to look back.

October 2003. London, England.

That incident set the tone for our whole relationship, Erika thought. From then on we were at a distance. You still talked to me, even discussed your fantasies with me, but you were always too scared to take things further. I told you a lot about the swinging I've done, I even set you up with some of the guys I know who are also into it. No matter what I did, things never worked out. You confessed to considering the idea of women sometimes, and thinking hard about it, maybe even liking it, but things never went farther than that. You wouldn't trust yourself, or me. I always hated that, but I did my best to ignore it and stay friends with you. And eventually, once we met Keri, things paid off.

"You're not feeling guilty about that, are you?" she asked Alicia. "We've more than made up for it. And if it's that you lied to Keri, we can..."

Alicia put a finger to her lips. "I talked to Keri last night, apologized for lying. She'd already guessed. We came to an understanding." The redhead smiled. "When I mentioned our kiss, she told me an interesting theory. Want to hear it?"

"Sure."

"She said I wasn't into you intially because you remind me of the first serious lesbian I acted alongside. Or, correction, the co-star I thought was a serious lesbian. Once I met her, I found out sex was more of a spectacle to her than anything else."

"And it's not that to me," Erika said. We've discussed Madonna's effect on Alicia before, she mused. I personally think she's overreacting a bit, but then I've never met Madonna, so I don't really know. I can see how Keri would see similarities between us, though. We're both blonde, singers as well as actresses, and into religions lots of people find weird. There are plenty of differences, but...

"Keri reminded me more of Renee Humphrey, the first girl I was really close to in a movie," Alicia went on. "Someone who was more of a friend offscreen too. Therefore it was easier for me to get intimate with her. I had never even thought of getting with Renee that way, but..." She laughed. "It sort of makes sense, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Erika agreed. "Look, I'm not mad about you pushing me away in the beginning. I understand why you did. You don't have to apologize to me."

"Thank you," Alicia said. She paused, looking away and then back at Erika. "I do want to know something, though."

Erika reached out and put a hand on her breast, squeezed and stroked it. "Are you wondering whether or not I really like this? Please. You know how I feel about faking."

Alicia grinned at her attention, then pushed the hand away carefully. She took a breath. "I want to know how you got into this, Erika." She gestured at their naked bodies. "Sex with other women, I mean. I've never asked you about it before- I just took your interest in it at face value. I didn't want to risk alienating you- I value our friendship so much."

"You know me better than that," Erika said. She leaned close and kissed Alicia. "So you want to hear about my origin as a bisexual?"

Alicia nodded. "Yes. I know Keri's and Evan's, but not yours. You don't have to tell me about how you first got with guys, I know about that too. It's just..." She sighed. "It was a surprise to me when I found out you also liked women. If I know how it started, and I see enough similarities..."

"You'll feel more comfortable with being into it yourself," Erika guessed. Alicia nodded again in reply. Geez, Erika thought, this is going to be a pretty big story. She took a breath. "Well, it all began with my first starring role."

September 2001. Los Angeles, CA.

"You know, I've been thinking..." Deanna Cartwright said nervously, pacing back and forth in the gazebo. Her head wound was particularly bothering her today, as was every aspect of her trauma. Very few people seemed to understand how she felt, or even care enough to visit her in the hospital. The girl I'm talking to now does, she reminded herself, even if she often doesn't act like it. And I have to get the information I need out of her. It's very important. She frowned and began again. "I haven't really seen you around school with boys. Well, I've only really seen you with one boy, and I was wondering about..."

Alicia Browning raised an eyebrow and stood up as Deanna stammered. Her harsh heavily made up features posed a sharp contrast to Deanna's pale unadorned dimples, as did her tall slim body to Deanna's lush one, and her punkish garb to Deanna's more casual clothes. The only obvious similarities between the two of them were that they were about the same age and both had long pale blonde hair. And we're friends, Deanna added. Maybe we weren't before, we barely knew each other, but we're friends now.

She looked at the other girl, smiling and then turning away. "I was wondering about your feelings ... how you felt about..."

The Goth girl cut her off, smirking. "How I felt about boys?"

"No!" Deanna replied, grimacing again. "I mean ... your feelings towards..." She stopped and took a breath. "I'm asking you something that's really hard for me to ask."

Her companion shrugged and stepped closer to her. "Well, let me, uh, make it easy for you."

"What..." Deanna started to say, but was cut off as the other girl leaned in, grabbed her face, and kissed her hard on the mouth.

Oh my God, Erika Christensen silently gaped, shaking as her co-star's lips attached to hers. She kept her lips closed, surprised by what she felt. The tenderness, the rebellion, the ... I like this, she thought as Busy Phillips kept their kiss strong, starting to open her mouth. Suddenly the trilling of a nearby bird caught her attention. Damn it!, Erika remembered the script. Stay in character! She threw up her hands and pushed herself away from Busy, frowning. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Busy threw up her hands. "It sounded like you were asking me if I was into girls!"

"Well, I wasn't!"

Her co-star grinned, looking her up and down. "Which probably means that you're into girls."

"Well, I'm not!" Deanna, the committed virgin, declared. Never mind that I might be, Erika added in a corner of her mind. She wiped at her lips, trying to both savor the experience and get rid of it. "Geez, if you wanted to know, you could have just asked me!"

"Well, you could have just lied!" Busy said. "It was the only way to be sure. But, hey, you didn't kiss me back, so you got nothing to worry about."

"I guess," Erika fumed. Shut up, she ordered her inner voice. This movie isn't about lesbians, never mind that kiss and all the other overtones. It's about the school shooting in which Busy's character and I were involved, the event that brought us together and its effects on us as well as the rest of our community. I'm supposed to be discussing those effects with her, trying to get information from her about the shooting so Detective van Zandt can know whether or not she was involved. I'm sure she wasn't, but the fact that she knew the perpetrator and walked away uninjured when so many others died...

She grimaced and continued the scene, keeping her own emotions at bay and throwing herself into her role as she always did. Even when Busy exploded with rage, calling her character a "fucking stupid drama queen," Erika reacted as she was supposed to, gesturing in apology and speaking her lines. The meaner her co-star got, the sunnier she tried to be. At the scene's climax, Busy stormed off and she fell to her knees, choking back a sob. "Cut!" Paul Ryan yelled. Erika waited for the camera to click off before looking up in expectation. The director of her latest movie stared back at her for a moment, deep in thought, then nodded. "Print. That was perfect."

Erika smiled. "Really?" She and Busy had been struggling with a lot of their scenes.

"Yes," Paul nodded. "Great reaction to the kiss, Erika. Shock, curiosity, revulsion but keeping the friendship. The audience will love that. And Busy, you're doing well too. If you're planning on putting half the effort into the delivery of your Dawson's Creek lines that you're doing here..." He grinned. "I think you'll give that show the ratings boost it needs."

"Thanks," Busy said, walking back towards Erika from offstage. "So we gonna shoot another scene now or..."

"You two deserve a break," Paul said. "Take an hour, then report to the hospital set. We'll get set up for the morgue scene. I hope you two are ready for that, it's very important. Again, good job on the kiss." He turned away to confer with some of the techs.

Busy sat down beside Erika but did not look at her. She was silent for a moment, then sighed. "Thank God we got that over with, huh?"

Erika blinked. "You mean the kiss?" She'd thought Busy had liked it as much as she had, but from the look on her co-star's face...

"Yeah. We didn't rehearse it. I was worried."

Erika nodded, recalling the conversation Ryan had had with them about the scene their first day of shooting. It was the first lesbian kiss in a movie for both actresses, and Ryan had been concerned they wouldn't want to do it. Busy had given him a long argument about how it seemed gratuitous and unnecessary to the plot. Ryan had countered that it showed how close their characters were getting while still showing the distance between them. It was a good buildup for the later scenes where Busy's character would talk Erika's out of suicide and then later cry at graduation with Deanna running to comfort her as the credits started to crawl. Erika had stayed silent during the discussion. She'd had her own angst about the kiss she didn't want to air.

I've thought about kissing girls for a long time, she mused. I read about it growing up and it intrigued me. As I went through my teenage years, I fantasized about it every now and then. I never could get up the courage to actually try it, though. No one ever asked me. Then, of course, it's supposed to be wrong. I've never thought it was wrong, but I was still scared. Would I like kissing a girl? Would I want to go further? Would she want to? I can do it with guys, that's easy, but with girls ... That's why I agreed when Busy proposed we not rehearse the kiss, only our lines. We'd do it for the camera and hopefully get it right then, not worry about it any more than that. I thought this arrangement would preserve the feelings I was supposed to have about the kiss onscreen too. But now...

Erika smiled, looking at Busy. She's pretty, Erika thought, and she's been a good friend despite the differences between us. We have different backgrounds, different careers. She likes the WB's teenage soap operas, especially the really popular one she just got a recurring role in. I prefer the more intriguing down to earth supernatural dramas like Buffy and Felicity, the shows the station is starting to take off the air. Busy's also more uptight than I am, and a bit of a bitch. But I've still become as much friends with her as I have with any of my previous co-stars. So maybe...

"You did good," she told Busy. "I liked it."

Busy gaped. "You..." She shut her mouth, looking away. "That's very nice, Erika."

Erika reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. "Didn't you like it?"

Busy turned back to her and glared. Erika frowned, then dropped her eyes. Busy leaned in and adjusted the bandanna covering the supposed scar on her forehead, and she looked back up. The other girl wore a confused expression. "I have a boyfriend, okay?" she said. "We were acting, that's all it was. Don't think that..."

"I don't," Erika interrupted her with a sigh. "You're not into me, are you?"

"I'm into guys, Erika!" Busy insisted, laughing. She shook her head, looking Erika up and down. "You are pretty, and talented. You're a good friend. But I don't like girls, okay? Kissing you felt ... weird."

Erika smiled. "I like weird."

Busy gaped at her, then rolled her eyes. "Well then, more power to you. I'm just glad we got it done."

This film is driving her nuts, Erika mused. Me too. 18-hour shooting days, tight budget, serious committment expected. But it's all worth it. This movie has so much meaning, so many great messages and themes. It's an independent film about a controversial subject, so it's not going to get much distribution, but it's still going to be very good. Too bad its release will probably be delayed thanks to what happened last week. Stupid terrorists. Stupider idiots who indulge in the sort of censorship the terrorists do their dirty deeds in part to promote. I really hope we get those bastards good and fast. The victims deserve nothing less. Then we'll be able to get back to our lives and put out all the good movies that are being pushed back thanks to the event. We need to do that, instead of spending a lot of time whining about the event and why it happened. It happened, nothing can change that. Let's go get the bastards and move on. She sighed, wondering if she was having such thoughts because of the ending of her current film.

"See you in a while," Busy said, standing up. "I gotta hit the restroom."

"See you," Erika said, looking away. I'm really going nuts right now, she thought. And all because of this film. I'm really putting myself into this role, giving it so much of my own pain, and I'm afraid it won't be liked or seen when it should be. Then of course there's all the flack people have been giving me about the character. You shouldn't do this role, they say. Deanna has mental problems, and talks to psychiatrists. What the heck is wrong with that? I'm showing people what real-life shooting victims go through by playing Deanna. Post-traumatic stress disorder is not a myth, it's very real and very serious. And psychiatrists can help people with it and similar problems- the victims I talked to about this movie showed me how. This role is an incredible challenge to me, and important too. I have to play it. I have to show the critics I can do more than just a wholesome schoolgirl or a drug addict, and show the fans that I'm not the sort of bland blonde It Girl some think I am. That, and of course by being in this film I can show people I'm not all about Scientology. So many people think I am, just because of my upbringing. They need to see that I support other values too, that I'm really more into acting, charity, and rebellion than any religious stuff. Yeah, I'm moral, don't get me wrong, but...

It's your swinging, Erika told herself with a sigh. You got into it to work out your personal problems with loneliness, but you haven't been able to do it in so long. You got afraid you were getting too much into it, decided to cut back. You also told your family a little about what you'd been doing, tried to alleviate any possible problems that might result if they discovered it. They cautioned you, made you feel guilty even though they didn't say to stop doing it. Then you got this role, and so many people started grumbling about it. On top of that, there's the film's schedule, and the delays, and ... I just can't relax with all this. It needs to go well. It has to. If it doesn't...

Shut up, she told her inner voice. This movie is great! Once it comes out, the fans and critics will see it and like it. Even the people in Columbine to whom it's dedicated will like it, hopefully. You won't have to worry so much, you'll be proud of what you did. And who cares if your religion's more traditional followers are giving you flack about the person you are? They don't know what's true for you, they never really can no matter how much they say. You have to find and live your own destiny, you've always known that. You're doing what's meaningful to you, what's fun and right. You should stop worrying, like Isaac keeps telling you. Just live your life. Relax, grow, and be happy. Your life hasn't been that bad, you really should be able to. But I can't, she sighed, looking at the ground.