Chapter 23: Sniper Competition Friday 21 September 2007

Khudabah, Pakistan — Evening of Day twenty-two

I can't sleep. At least I'm awake before the guard and can do a bit of exercise in the bed by pulling against the ropes and doing isometric exercises for other parts of my body. When my shirt is off and I look down at my chest all I see are ribs. I feel as if they've ruined me. I've lost so much muscle and weight these last weeks. I wonder if I will ever gain it back.

I feel sick about half the time I'm awake. I suffer with bouts of chills and headaches and have diarrhea all the time. I've tried to figure out what I have, but the symptoms aren't like anything I've ever had before. But with all the crap they've done to me and fed me and the rat bites, there's no telling what sort of nasty bugs I've contracted. I'm still bullshitting the guards and pretending to be even sicker than I am.

Ah, I hear the other guards coming and sleepy-head guard is waking up. Good. Zarika is with them and is smiling. It's not as good as a smile from Jens would be, but she is the only one here who smiles.

The daily routine starts that I've been going through for the last few days, and the boredom sets in.

There is one difference today. Zarika seems to have the twinkle of anticipation in her eyes. Damn. I can't wait until we can talk.

Finally, I'm tied to my chair and Zarika is back with our food. As we're eating, she tells me she found what I need, but it will take several days for her to bribe the guards so they will give it to her. My stomach turns. I know what she means when she says, "bribe the guards." She's going to have to let them fuck her again. I guess we're each going through our own hell.

The Imam comes again with more of his religious bullshit. I feign a little interest today just to keep him on my side. As he is leaving, Hussein comes in and they have a long conversation. My little spy Zarika is listening intently, so I know I'll get a report when they leave.

When they're finally gone, Zarika hurries over to me with a big grin. "Ben, you have the Imam totally fooled. He thinks that you're considering becoming Muslim. And he told Hussein he needs to treat you even better."

It takes all my strength not to spit on the floor. "The only thing I want to join to the Muslim faith is the Imam and all his followers. They can join their god in hell."

She's heard it before, but it still makes her giggle whenever she does.

We spend the rest of the day talking. She asks more questions about America than before. And this time I ask her questions about Tajikistan.

At dinner, she surprises me by bringing in a pomegranate and feeding it all to me. It's the first time I've had fruit since I was captured, and it tastes like candy to me. I make a total pig out of myself, making slurping noises. Zarika finds this incredibly funny and giggles like a child.

I have another surprise tonight when the guards take me upstairs. Zarika lies down beside me for about ten minutes. She told the guards I am sick and need to be kept warm. It was a sweet thing for her to do. But it has flooded my mind with memories of similar times with Jens. After she leaves, it takes a very long time for me to chase my memories into sleep.

Kaneohe Bay Hawaii — Friday Day Twenty-Two

I awakened that morning to the realization that I'm a different man. The changes have happened so gradually that I didn't realize what was happening; at least, not until last night, when it all reached a tipping point.

For the first time in years I didn't fall right to sleep. I was holding Jens close to me with my hand on her breast. She wouldn't let me remove it, and she dropped right off to sleep.

I struggled for most of the night with the demons in my head, but these weren't the demons of the many men I had killed come back to haunt me. The battle I fought was much harder — it was between my love for Jens and wanting to wake her up and act on that love, against the promises I'd made and my honor.

Early in the morning, when the night was old, the promises and the honor won out, and I drifted off to sleep.

Buzzzzzzz! Damn. It's the fucking alarm clock. Where's my Kimber? I want to shoot that damned piece of shit. I think I just went to sleep ten minutes ago. It can't be time to get up already.

I smacked the alarm clock with my cast, breaking the hell out of it. The clock that is, not the cast.

At least this fucking cast is good for one thing — breaking shit.

I reached for Jens, but couldn't feel her.

"Good morning, my love," Jens said cheerily as she walked into the room in her robe with two cups of coffee.

I opened one eye and groaned at her.

"Someone said I shouldn't wake up grumpy. So I let you sleep in," Jens teased.

I opened the other eye and croaked, "Coffee. Please."

She handed me a cup and sat on the bed beside me watching me closely as I took my first sip. Ah, what a girl. It was the perfect temperature. I gave my attention to slurping the hot black elixir, feeling the caffeine course through my system and chase the fatigue away.

Finally, I looked at Jens and smiled. "Thanks, Hon. I really needed that." I almost laughed because she still looked like a raccoon.

She smiled, but then her brow wrinkled and she looked into my eyes. "Ben, I'm so worried about you this morning. I know you didn't sleep well last night; you were tossing and turning all night long. And now you're blocking your feelings from me. I've gotten so used to being in touch with your feelings, when I can't do it, it's like I'm going through drug withdrawals. Do you want to talk about it?"

I looked at her. How in the hell could I explain to her what kept me awake last night when I wasn't sure, myself? I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it again. Tried the same thing three more times.

Jens giggled trying to lighten my mood, "Are you pretending to be a fish? Because if you are, it's a great imitation."

It worked. We both started laughing and almost spilled our coffee. She took the cups and sat them on the nightstand and crawled into bed pulling me down beside her. She gazed deep into my eyes and I could feel her trying to penetrate my soul.

Finally she punched me in the arm, "Dammit. Stop blocking me and let me feel you."

"I wish that I could, my love. But I'm not sure that I can right now," I replied and looked away.

She punched my arm again, this time harder. "Hey, what sort of shit is this? First you block your feelings, now you can't even look me in the eyes?"

I wrestled with it in my mind. If I did this, things would never be the same. I had never let anyone see this part of me. What if I let her see it, and she hated me for it? I couldn't live if I lost her.

Jens kept trying to feel me and I kept blocking her. Finally, she got pissed off and barked at me, "What are you afraid of letting me find out? Dammit! Why won't you let me be close to you again? First you wake up grumpy as an old bear and break the fucking alarm clock. Now you're acting like a damned turtle that has pulled inside its shell. You're so frustrating sometimes. Just when I think we're getting close, you pull this shit on me."

She glared at me, and anger and hurt took turns on her face. She looked so much like she was going to slap the hell out of me that I almost flinched. She just kept looking at me, and then her expression changed.

Her lower lip started quivering as she said to me, "Remember. In for a penny?"

Shit. Now I'm going to make her cry. Dammit-to-hell! I hate it when she cries.

I took a deep breath and let it out in resignation. In for a pound. I'd come this far with Jens. I needed to trust her and go all the way. God, I hope I'm doing the right thing. I hugged her tight and let down all my defenses.

Jens looked relieved that she could finally feel me at me. I was exhausted, but I heard her mumble as I drifted off.

"Shit, isn't this just like a man. You finally get what you want out of them and they fall asleep. Well, my love, at least I can feel you now."

The next thing I remember, Jens was lightly kissing me on the eyes to wake me up. Damn. I barely remembered falling asleep, I was so tired.

Then I remembered her words and felt a sharp stab of alarm. Shit! I stopped blocking her from feeling me. But after the initial fear, I realized, she was still there and she was still kissing me. I guess I didn't scare her off. I still don't know what the hell happened to me. But at least I feel better knowing that whatever it was Jens didn't leave me.

"Wake up, my lovely dark-haired man. It's time to eat a quick breakfast and head over to the competition." The love in Jens's voice filled me with joy. I smiled and opened my eyes.

She was beaming at me.

"Sorry I fell asleep," I mumbled. "I was really tired."

"Don't worry about it. It was all my fault that you couldn't sleep. I'd love to stay here in bed with you and talk about it, but we need to get moving. Don't worry, though; well discuss this tonight." Jens answered.

Oh great. Not another night without sleep.

"Don't worry, my dear. I'm sure you'll sleep tonight. But I might not." Jens said.

Yes, it was back. She could feel my feelings. It wasn't quite as scary this time, but it's a tough thing to get used to.

I nuzzled her hand and kissed it. "So while I was asleep you were wandering around in my mind? Should I be worried?"

"The only worries that you should have is not becoming totally spoiled. Because I'm going to treat you like a king for the next seventy or eighty years of our lives together," Jens declared.

Damn. She confuses the hell out of me.

"I know that I confuse you, my love. And it's all my fault. I'm going to change that and we'll talk about it tonight. But we really have to get moving." Jens jumped up and helped me out of bed.

I did feel better, and Jens seemed even better than her old self. She was happy and excited and dancing around as we went into the kitchen for a quick breakfast of yogurt and coffee.

We humped the gear out to the Humvee. Jens didn't even argue with me when I helped. She looked at me and said, "I've asked you not to do anything that will hurt your arm. And I know you'll listen to me. We're a team and if either one of us needs help we ask each other. And before you say or think it: Yes, I know I confuse you."

The drive to the training area was uneventful with our escort following us. They sure paid a lot more attention since my fight with the bikers. I heard the General chewed some ass and sent some Marines packing to Thule. Rumor had it that if anyone fucked up again there were even worse assignments waiting for them.

Finally at the training area, we took the weapons to the RSO table so that they could be fitted with the Sniper Simulation System. Security was tight; they didn't want any accidents on the last day of the competition.

Jens had a big lead over the second-place Canadians, but today's competition was worth fifty points. Damn. If she could have won the martial arts yesterday, it would have been all over.

We had run some scenarios on her computer, but there were too many variables to get consistent results. We would just have to get it done the old-fashioned way — hunt or be hunted. It was Jens's competition and Jens's call. She decided that we would hunt.

Rather than wait around for snipers to come to us, we would be actively hunting for them. It was the right decision, and I was proud of Jens for making it. Our goal was to find the damned Canucks and kill them without being killed ourselves.

Here are the rules of engagement for the day's competition: The top ten teams were going to be dropped in different parts of the training area by helicopters; No one in the competition knew where the others were going to be; the last team standing won the fifty points; the other teams won decreasing points for lower places. If the Canadians won the snipe-off and we came in lower than third place they would win the trophy.