Chapter 1

Mac felt like a complete coward, but he left his discharge papers on the hotel room bed with a note telling his folks he'd be in touch, to use the hotel room. He had to get away from all of it. He was just glad he'd done it before they arrived. It had been five hours since he'd spoken to them and they could arrive at any time, if they'd gotten a flight out.

He'd just put his bag in the car when someone screeched up beside him and a redhead jumped out. "Mac! We were worried. Why did you leave? I didn't burn the milk until after you left." She extended her hand to his chest, brushing over the fabric there. "I'm so so sorry I hurt you. Are you mad?"

Mac watched Jethro get out of the car and the fire in his eyes. Good. He knew what it was like to have his heart ripped out too. "No, Shannon. I'm not angry with you." He managed a brittle smile to Jethro. "So, you guys are getting married on Valentine's Day, huh? That the case, Jethro?"

His lover had one chance to get it right.

"I never agreed to that. Shannon has plans, doesn't mean I'm going along with them Mac." In trying not to hurt Shannon, he'd apparently hurt Mac badly. "You took off before I could try and make this right. I don't want to hurt you or her Mac. Can't you give me a chance here? I need to do this right, and I've managed to fuck it up."

"You ... didn't?" Shannon asked, turning to look at Jethro. "We're in love, we have to get married. Jethro..."

Mac looked at the young woman for a long moment. "Sweetheart, Jet and I have some talking to do. Can you hang out in my hotel room while we get all of this sorted out?

Shannon looked from Mac to Jethro, knowing there was a bunch of stuff out there that she didn't understand but it was cold and her coat wasn't very thick. "O ... okay."

She walked to the hotel room with the opened door and switched the Tv on before hiopping onto the bed. She'd watch some television while the boys did their boy stuff.

When she was gone, Mac leaned against his car. "You have a chance, but before you say another word, I'm giving you fair warning. Not in a good place right now, Gibbs. They kicked me out, effective tomorrow. No chance of appeal. Will gladly leave everything. Well on my way to getting blitzed. You got your chance. So talk."

"Put the bottle down. Last thing you need is to be drinking on all the medication you're on." Never would Jet have dreamed that Mac would get a medical discharge. There had to be some way to fix him, something that they could do to make it better. "You're not leaving everything. Maybe it's time for me to step up to the plate here. You need some help, I can give it to you. I've got time off left, need to let my arm heal. We'll get a place, I'll take care of you. I make enough for something small if you don't mind eating Spaghetti-O's for a while. You heal and figure out what you're going to do next, I'll stick in the corps until you're established doing something else. Might have to take a couple of deployments, but I'll be around most of the time. We could really have something here, I meant it when I said I was ready to be a lifer Mac. Not changing my mind now, because you're hurt. I just have to break it to Shan. 'Cause I've always taken care of her."

"Mom and Dad are coming here. They can take care of me. I'm not your responsibility." But God he wanted to let Jet take the lead and take control. He wanted to let someone else be the strong one. He stared at Jethro for a few minutes and then something hit him. For the first time in this mess, the bombing, the cowardice, the works, he was being given the choice to take life by the balls and make his own future.

"You'd want to do that?" Mac asked in a teary voice.

Jet just nodded and Mac handed him the bottle. "I ... concede. You wanna take care of me, then ... I'm yours."

Letting go of his own iron control was like a band breaking inside him and he could breathe again. He sagged against the car, starting to cry hard, reaching his hand out to Jet. "Don't leave me. You're all I have left."

Taking Mac's hand and giving him a gentle tug so he was now in his arms, Jet tried to comfort his lover. "I'm not leaving, wouldn't have tracked you down if I was would I have? I brought Shannon, which might not have been the best idea. But now that I know you aren't running, I have to talk to her. I can take care of her without marrying her. She just needs to know that know."

Mac tipped his head back, not ashamed of his tears. "Before ... you say yes, I have to clear the air. That day ... I ran. I let my guys ... Jet ... I abandoned them. I'm a fucking coward, beautiful boy. You have to know that before we go on from here..."

Jet just kept looking at him, so Mac plunged onward. "Want me to come in or stay here when you talk with her. Or ... are you not doing it tonight?"

"That's not why I'm staring at you. I have never once since I met you considered you a coward Mac. Ever consider that when you ran, it was a natural defense? The men who died, the would have run too given a chance. They weren't given that chance but you were. Can't feel guilty for that. I don't feel bad that you survived, and you shouldn't either. The men who died are heroes. The ones who somehow managed to survive are heroes too. Shouldn't be beating yourself up about this, you're here and we're going to have a long life together. There's a reason you survived, and it was to be here with me."

"Semper fi?" Mac said softly. "Maybe I can see me like you see me, but right now I feel like a coward who got kicked out for all the right reasons." He brushed a hand over Jet's face. "Lemme get this clear in my head okay? You're giving me forever if I want to take it and letting me be the scared little boy who needs to heal?"

Jet nodded.

"And you forgive me for living when I should have died?"

Another nod.

"And you ... love me?"

"If you've got to ask, I really need to work on the way I communicate. Love you so much, baby, it's hard to think when you're around. You have made the worst thing to ever happen to me bearable because you've been there to hold my hand. Let me try to do the same with you now. Won't ever be able to make it right, but I can make it better for you."

"I'm a bit buzzed and have had a hell of a day, beautiful boy. Give me a break if my thought processes aren't so clear right now." Mac let out a shuddery sigh. "Just like that you've taken all the turmoil inside and tore it away. I actually feel a little bit of peace right now. And a hell of a lot of hope."

"Then I'm doing my job. Just stay calm and let me handle things inside. Once I make this better, it will make you feel better. We'll start working on your mental as well as your physical health as soon as I deal with Shannon."

"Deal." Mac said quietly. "I'm here, for what it's worth."

Jethro knew he needed to deal with Shannon, the sooner the better. "I should do this myself. You trust me to go in there on my own? You can come, but I don't want you to feel like you have to. It might get ugly in there, and you don't need to subject yourself to that."

"I trust you. If it gets too cold, I'll put the engine on. But I won't leave. I promise." The bite of the cold was making him feel alive and that gave him a strange sense of hope. "Go, sweet boy. I'll be okay as long as I know you're coming back to me."

"You better not. I'll track you down." Jet kissed Mac on the cheek, knowing he was taking a risk to do even that. "Stay here, shouldn't take too long."

"Good luck, sweet boy. I'm here."

~~

~~

Keith and their neighbor had called in some favors and they had secured seats on the first flight out. He and Emily had been white knuckled all the way to Washington, through the car rental lines and driving toward Quantico, where their son was. They pulled into the parking lot and Emily let out a relieved sob. Mac was sitting on the hood of his car, looking as despondent as they had ever seen him, but nonetheless still alive. They could heal him. That opportunity hadn't been taken from them.

Keith nodded to Emily, motioning that she should go talk to him while he stayed in the car. "He needs his mother, darling. Go to him." When she hesitated, he hugged her tight. "Go on, darling. I don't want you to see me cry."

"I'll wave you over, when we're ready."

Keith nodded, silent tears of relief falling.

Emily got out of the car, and walked slowly towards her son, as if she were walking up to a wounded animal she didn't want to spook. "Mackai, what are you doing out here in the parking lot? I told you we were coming, but I didn't expect a welcoming party."

"Mom," he whispered, gesturing her closer, hugging her fiercely and resting his head on her shoulder, like he'd done when he was a young boy. "I was thinking about leaving, but Jethro and Shannon showed up. They're in my room, talking. He ... he wants me, Mom. I might ... make it. Where's Dad. Why isn't Dad here too? I need you both ... I have no strength left, no will to fight any more."

"Of course he wants you. How could you doubt that, my darling boy?" Emily held her son close, paying attention so not to damage his chest. "You two are in love, and not even a high school sweetheart can change that. That you thought he'd let you walk away is what amazes me. Your father is in the car, didn't want you to see him getting all emotional. Sent the strong one in the relationship to feel things out, then he'll come strutting in like he had control of the situation from the beginning. We'll let him believe it, because it's what we do. He'll think he had us fooled the whole time."

"Because..." Mac began. "Because I'm a coward, nobody a real soldier would want to be with. They were talking about a wedding date. He just laid on me that he's been involved with this kid for a while now, and she's barely seventeen and yeah they have sex and yeah he supports her financially on the pittance he makes, and yeah she has expectations but its okay, this time he'll sleep on the couch. And he was talking about them like a unit and me as the outsider. And then, they started talking about wedding dates. It was all just a lot ... too much."

He looked at his mother, really looked at her, let her see all the pain he'd been carrying around. "I'm sick of pretending. I'm tired. I can't do it any more. I can't act." He took a deep breath.

"Mom, when the shrapnel tore into me it was bad. They told me that it was probably career ending." He swallowed back stomach acid. "No. No more lying. They told me it'd be a miracle if I lived and that I'll need a couple more surgeries, especially if any of it shifts. Or if it goes south, I could drop dead. I've been playing this denial game. Been taking what I could in a last ditch effort to live. And look at me, I fell in love. And ... he loves me back. And ... God, Mom. Could I really have a future when for the last three months I've been saying a silent goodbye to everything, just in case?"

Emily had thought the bombing itself was horrible but this was a new type of horror altogether."We aren't going to let you say goodbye Mackai. Why didn't you tell your dad and I this? You could have dropped dead at the dinner table and we wouldn't have even known it was a possibility." Someday she and her child were going to have to talk about his sense of honor over riding his sense of self-preservation. "You and I are going to find the very best doctor that money has to buy. We're going to get a second opinion and we're going to get you taken care of. I don't care how many surgeries it takes, I'm not going to lose you three months or three years from now because of shifting metal. You are too important to me to just give up on. Do you understand me?"

Mac refused to stop looking into his mother's eyes. This was his penance."I didn't tell you because I'm selfish. I wanted to claim the time with you and Dad without doctors and arrangements and what ifs. In case it was all I had left. Jet didn't know either. I was hiding it from all of you."