Thursday

I woke feeling like I didn't sleep at all. The brat must have felt as rotten as I did because I spent the first few minutes in the bathroom dry heaving. Eventually, I was able to brush my teeth and get dressed — one of the new dresses — and go down for breakfast.

"There's my little sweetheart!" Mrs. Redmond all but threw her arms around me. "You poor thing! I heard you up there; how are you feeling, any better?"

"You definitely did not sound good." Brian remarked. I hadn't seen him; hiding at the kitchen counter like that.

Which explained the lovey-dovey act this morning. She didn't want it known that she was putting me out. "I'm fine. Let's go."

"No rush! Remember? Today's your sonogram. And this dear sweet boy has volunteered to drive us." Ms. Redmond hated driving and avoided it when she could. "Tish, I swear, if you don't claim him, I'm going to scoop him right up!"

"Do I get a vote in that?" Mr. Redmond came in and they went through the morning coffee ritual. He paused next to Brian on his way out the door. "You can pick one, the other one's mine."

Brian laughed. "Yes sir."

"Shay-Shay, I need to worry yet?"

"You not gonna ever have to worry." I answered.

He nodded. "I could live with that." He shook his head as he left. "I don't believe it but I could live with it."

"Phil?" Mrs. Redmond shouted after him. "What time tonight?"

"No idea." He yelled back.

"We have the ASIPA fundraiser tonight."

"I'll try."

"I need you there, Sweetheart."

"I said I'll try!"

She frowned and hurried out to the front hall. Brian rubbed his ears. "Wow. Good lungs."

"Yeah. You don't have to go to this thing today." I pointed out.

"I want to."

Mrs. Redmond came back still frowning before I could convince Brian to go to school. "Actually, I could use a few more warm bodies to greet people and start conversations tonight. Would you two to like to attend? You'll need to dress up for it. Oh! I wish I'd thought of that yesterday while we were out. We could have picked up something then. Brian, do you have a suit?"

"Yeah. But if it's tonight, I've got JROTC so I'll already be in uniform. I mean, if I can go. My Mom..." he glanced at me. "I'll call my Dad."

"A man in uniform." Mrs. Redmond sighed. "And me too old and already married." To which, of course, Brian blushed. She looked at her watch. "We should get moving. I have no idea where this place is but they have something called a 4D image. It's like baby pictures before the baby." She kept it up as she gathered her purse and her keys and whatnot.

We piled into Brian's car and I sat in the back and let the two of them talk to whole way. They made a good show of it. She pretended to care about me and he pretended to care about me. I sat in the back and tried not to look sick. This was worse; I could see not wanting me but why change up about the baby? I thought that was her whole thing in the first place?

It was about an hour because traffic sucked but we finally pulled up to a suburban office park. The maternity clinic was easy to spot even from the parking lot. It had pictures of happy babies in every window.

As I got out of the car, Mrs. Redmond put her arm around my shoulder. "You seem a little subdued today. Are you ok? Is your tummy still upset?"

"Yeah." I agreed bitterly. "My tummy's upset."

They both helped me into the clinic. I would have pushed them away but really didn't make any difference. I might as well play along. We sat in the lobby and did paperwork for what felt like forever. Finally, they called my name. They made Mrs. Redmond and Brian wait in the lobby. They took me in the back, made me strip and put on one of those stupid paper robes. Then a doctor came in and gave me an exam. He asked questions like how much weight had I gained and was I having any pain. He did all the stuff my regular doctor did and more. Finally, he asked, "You don't seem excited about this, TyShala. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm having a bad day." There was no point in discussing it.

"We can talk about that if you'd like."

Why does everyone have to be up in my personal business! "My stomach's upset, that's all. I haven't eaten yet."

"Well, I want you to eat. I'd like you to gain another 5 to 10 pounds; you're a little underweight right now."

"Underweight?" Quack!

"Just a bit." There was a knock on the door and a nurse told us that the room was ready. "Ah. Good. Ready to see your baby?"

"Yeah. Whatever." I got up and wrapped the robe as tightly as I could. Ms. Wagner's pictures freaked me out enough. I didn't want to see this for real. We passed the door to the lobby and I paused for just a second. Only a second but the doctor caught it.

"Did you want your mother to come in with you?"

"She's not my mother." I said, mostly out of habit.

"That's ok. She can come in." He opened the door. "Mrs. Brown?"

"Redmond." I corrected him.

"Sorry, Ms. Redmond? Come on back. Him too, that fine. The whole family." Family. Yeah. Right.

Still, when Mrs. Redmond put her arm around my shoulder and Brian gave me that damn smile of his, I felt better. Well, better about the sonogram. Worse about the family part.

We went in the room and I lay on the table. The technician started hooking up stuff and smearing my stomach with stuff and explaining what all she was doing.

And then there was this sound. It was like drumming underwater.

"What's that?" Brian asked.

"That is the baby's heartbeat." She moved the tool she was holding to my chest and the sound became deeper, stronger and faster. "Mommy." She moved the tool back to my stomach. "Baby."

"Cool." He breathed. "Can we see it yet? Can you tell what it is?"

"Does mommy want to know what it is?" The tech asked.

"Well I do," Mrs. Redmond laughed. "Oh Tish, I'm so excited! OHHHH! Look! What's that? Is that a foot?"

The woman laughed. "Yes, that the baby's foot and here's the other one and the little butt." Suddenly, the baby rolled over and there on the screen, in amber and black, was my baby.

My baby girl.

She did have my cheeks. Even now, you could see those giant squirrel-with-a-mouth-full-of nuts cheeks of mine already clearly formed. I missed most of what was said after that.

There was a whole person inside me.

That thought haunted the rest of my morning. I got dressed and we went to breakfast. They showed me the sonogram pictures, a mini photo album. Mrs. Redmond even went to the photo store next door and had them rush three copies — one for me, one for Mr. Redmond. And one for Brian.

"I really like your Mom." He said when she went back to pick the pictures up.

"She's not my mom." I tried to eat something but it was all just too much. "She doesn't even want to be."

"What does that mean?" I shook my head and he stopped trying to get me to tell him when she returned. She gave him a set of the pictures. "Thanks. I'll put this with Ms. Wagner's."

"Oh! Is that the one from your class yesterday? Do you have them?"

"Yeah! They're in my car."

She pretended to get very excited. We left — we needed to head to school anyway — and she sat in the front seat cooing over the computer pictures Ms. Wagner created.

"I can't believe how much these look like the two of you! Software is amazing."

"Well, only one of them's me." Brian pointed out for the second time.

"Really? So who's the other one? They look practically alike to me."

"The one with the brown eyes is me. The other one's the real baby. I mean, as close as we could guess."

"So ... this..." She got suddenly quiet. "Oh my."

"Mrs. Redmond?" I heard the note of concern in Brian's voice and looked up. She was wiping her cheek.

"Green eyes." She said. "It's an old joke between me and Mr. Redmond. It's nothing. Why did you decide on green eyes?"

"Didn't her boyfriend ... I mean, Ty said ... the father..."

"They never met him." I said to save him the stress. "It happened in April; I didn't come here until July. He had green eyes and dark brown hair."

Mrs. Redmond had the real sonogram picture next to the fake one. "Look at that. She really could look like that. Oh, Tish, she's going to be beautiful. Just like you." She paused. "Tish, sweetheart, you don't look well. Do you want to go home?"

"No."

It was a long ride back to her house. Brian dropped her off and then we went to school. When we parked, he turned to me. "Are you sure? You really don't look right."

"I don't want to go back there."

"Why? What happened."

"Nothing." He reached back and wiped my cheek. "They don't want the baby anymore." I confessed.

"WHAT?"

"That was the deal. The Redmonds. They're only fostering me because they wanted to adopt the baby. But they don't want it anymore."

"No. Way."

"She said she's too old for a baby."

"I can't ... no way, no. Did you see her? She flipped out over those pictures. I don't know what she said but she wants that baby."

"She wants a baby. Maybe there's another one they can get sooner. Social Services didn't want them to have mine in the first place."

"Why not?"

I showed him the back of my hand. He didn't get it. "Black baby, Black parents."

"Oh, come on..."

"Whatever!"

"Ty, no one is that closed minded anymore."

"Oh, you think?"

"Almost no one. Not the Redmonds at least."

I got out of the car, shaking my head. Time to strip again. At least there was no one in front of the lockers at that time of day. Not that it mattered anymore; after it — she, whatever — was born, I was going to have to drop out. I was going to have to worry about what to do with it. Her. Tyra, like the model with dark hair and pretty eyes. Or maybe Vanessa. I hadn't had to think about names; that was Mrs. Redmond's problem. Now it was mine again.

"Ty!" Brian gave me a shake and I realized that I was standing in front of my locker not moving. "We'll ask them tonight. I'm sure you just heard it wrong." He undressed me.

I'm sure I had classes but I have no idea what happened in any of them. SS had already told me that I can't go back with my real mother, even if she ever stays out of jail long enough to contact me. I doubt they'd let me go back to Marie's. There was a group house in deep southeast that wasn't too bad. But it was pretty far off the bus line. That would be hard with the kid. Three months. Even if they let me stay, I had to figure out something in three months.

"TyShala?" Brian was shaking me again. He was so damn sweet! Too good to be true. But it would be so easy to believe that he was everything he pretended to be. Especially since his Mother banned me from seeing him ever. "Come on. I'm taking you home."

First, we went to the Gym where the JROTC kids met. I sat on the bleachers while he talked to a guy who looked the drill sergeant in every military movie ever made. He came back over to me muttering something under his breath.

"Lt. Lipton says I gotta do inspection before I leave. He said the Program has a 10-minute allowance so that I can do inspection and if I leave before I do it, he'll give me ten demerits for the day. Can you wait? Ten minutes. I promise." I shrugged and he took that as a yes.

Fifteen minutes later, I didn't recognize him practically. The uniform was navy blue with a lot of pins and strips on his chest. He paused to ask if I was ok before sprinting into line when he was called. I had to admit, he made that uniform look good. He was big enough, broad enough to fit it nicely but not so muscle bound that he looked like Popeye. The inspection really didn't take long and at the end, the Officer started barking out drill orders. They marched in formation for a little while before the officer call a halt and called Brian front. I couldn't muster a laugh, but it was pretty comical watching Brian sprint when the man finally dismissed him.

He took me back to the Redmonds house. Not home. I can't call it that any more. He helped me upstairs to my — no — to the room I was using.

"I can't believe they back out like that." He burst finally.

"People do. I've been in eight foster homes."

"Eight?"

"People don't like me." I shrugged. "Why should they? Why do you?"

"I just do, Ok? And as much grief as he gives me, Mr. Redmond must definitely like you."

My reply to that was cut off by Mrs. Raymond yelling. "Tish? Brian? Are you here?" She tapped on my door before opening it. "I thought I recognized your car. Keep that bedroom door open, young lady." She didn't even take a breath. "Now look, tell me if you hate it and I'll take it back but I thought you really should have something nice to wear tonight especially if your date's going to be in uniform — and oh my goodness, you do look nice, Brian — but I had to go over to Pentagon City anyway so I just stopped in at L&T just to see." She hung and opened an expensive looking dress bag as she spoke. Inside, among several garments, was a dark blue dress, the kind that drape down to the floor with yards and yards of material that does absolutely nothing but look pretty. "You hate it. I can see it in your eyes. You hate it."

Why would you spend more money on me if you're just going to put me out in a couple months? Then it hit me: charity function. She wants everyone to think she's so helpful to the needy. Dress me up, show me off, show how generous she is. I got up and took a look at the dress. "It's nice." It was stunning. It was probably the most expensive thing I'd ever touched.

"Really?" She perked up. "Try it on. Just to see. If you don't like it, I'll take it back, it's not a problem."

I started to undresss and heard both of them gasp. I didn't stop. Who cared who saw me naked anymore? There. The Program did work — now I have no shame. My hand shook as I pulled the dress off the hanger and Mrs. Redmond helped me get it on. It was gorgeous. I didn't even look prego in it. Well, not if I pulled the drape the right way.

"I wasn't sure if you'd prefer this one or the pink." She opened a second dress bag and pulled out a pink dress with sequins. "But I thought, the navy would go well with you skin tone and I wasn't sure how you'd feel about an empire waist."

"If I get a vote," Brian offered. "I like this one. You look ... awesome, Ty."

I looked at myself in the mirror. I did look good. I'd probably never get a chance to wear something like this ever again. And it's her money. If she wants to waste it, let her. "It's cool."

"Do you really like it, Tish?"

"Yeah." It was hard, but I managed to say it. "Thanks."

"Val?" Mr. Redmond's voice rang out. "What time is this thing tonight?"

"Phillip, we're up here," She shouted back. "Come up." She sighed. "I don't know why he always has to shout."

Mr. Redmond came in, looked me, nodded, then saw Brian and frowned. "What goes on here?"

"They're coming with us, Sweetie. What should I wear. The green or the purple?" She fished through the bags to find to more dresses.

"Why don't you take all that back tomorrow and wear that blue dress you're always complaining that you never get a chance to wear?"

"What blue dress?"

He rolled his eyes. "I'm changing my suit. I'll be waiting in the library when you're ready." He paused at the door. "Brian, I think the girls might need some privacy."

Brian turned pink. "Oh, uh, yes sir. I'll go — go wait in the living room. I guess. I'll call my Dad. Uh. Bye."

As soon as they left, Mrs. Redmond gathered the bags and led me to her room — which was huge! I hadn't realized just how big it was.

She dug through her closet and found a formal navy blue dress. After searching for shoes and jewelry, she declared it perfect and began changing clothes. Through out it all, she kept up a litany of pointless chatter that completely eliminated the need for me to say anything, which was good. Because I didn't know what to say. It took her an hour to change clothes but she did look pretty good when she finished.

The 'boys' were both in the library when we finally got downstairs. They stopped talking when we came in. "About time, Valerie! This is your show, after all."

"Well I had to look right. Well?" She turned around and waited for Mr. Redmond to comment.

He kissed her cheek. "You look lovely. Can we go now?"

"You never give me an honest opinion." She groused as we left.

"No sane man has ever given a woman an honest opinion."

They fused in that married way all the way to the hotel. Mrs. Redmond introduced me and Brian to some of the people she worked with and told us to hang out by the main door and talk to any body who stood by themselves for too long. She gave us a couple bits of advice and then dragged Mr. Redmond to another part of the hall. For the next hour or so, Brian and I were mostly meeting people we'd never meet again and pointing out the bathrooms. Then Mrs. Redmond found us and made us get a table and some food.

Then the speeches started. Mr. Redmond made his way to our table and tapped me on the shoulder. "You want to hear this?" he whispered.

"Not really."

"Come on. They've got a bar upstairs. I'll buy you a soda." He gave Brian firm shoulder squeeze. "Man the fort son."

We went up to the lobby and found a quiet spot to sit. We just looked at each other for a few minutes.

After a while, he looked away. "I had a talk with Brian earlier. He seemed to think you weren't happy with us."

Blabbermouth. "It's all good."

"I, uh, I gather you overheard Val and I last night." I shrugged and he nodded. "But I don't think you got the whole story."

"Hey, it's cool. You don't want the baby. Whatever. I'll leave whenever you want me to."

"Shay-Shay, I don't want you to leave." He hesitated. "Look, I'll be honest with you. I never wanted kids. Valerie can't have them and it's always been a big deal for her and I understand that but It's never been an issue for me. She heard about your case and she really wanted to help you and when they told us that you were going to put the baby up for adoption, she jumped at the chance. But, frankly, the whole idea of diapers and 3am feedings puts me off. But that's not why we're changing the adoption — not canceling it. Not unless you want us to. We don't want to adopt the baby Shay; we want to adopt you."

"Me?" That didn't even make sense. "I'm grown. You can't adopt me."

He half smiled. "You may act grown but according to the District, you're still adoptable until you hit 21. Now I realize we haven't discussed this with you. I wanted to make sure we could before I asked you how you felt about it."

"What about the baby?" I asked still trying to wrap my head around it.

"You'd be our daughter, she'd be our granddaughter. And Val still can't wait to pamper the little thing. But she wants you in our lives too."

"What do you want?"

He shrugged. "I'm still not sure about kids." He smiled fully this time. "But I kind of like having someone to share the library with. And, we're planning a trip to Greece this summer. I was hoping you and me could hit all the historic sites. Val wants to shop."

"Duh!" He nodded. "So you want to do all this stuff for me? Why?"

"I'm a rich white guy with more money than sense? No? Ok. Truth. I like you. I mean, you need to learn to handle stress better and learn a little more trust, maybe. But when you've been able to relax, you're smart, you're funny, you're just what I'd want in a daughter — in a protégée, really. I think you really have great potential and I want to see you get a chance to live up to it."

"Why me?"

"Why not you?"

There were so many answers to that I couldn't begin. I shook my head. "It's not like they gonna let you anyway."

He nodded. "True. DC's being a little resistant. They are making us wait until next June to do the paperwork. I think they think if they push us back long enough that we'll just adopt the baby and let it drop. But we're pretty set on this. The baby may be cute but I'd rather keep the daughter I already have then figure out whether I like the new one."

"So in June, I'll have to go."

"No, in June we finalize the paperwork. I started the preliminary things today. I was really hoping to have this wrapped up in a week or so but ... oh well. I should have known better; I grew up here too."

"Really?" I didn't know he was a native of the City; there aren't a lot of us. "Where?"

"Just off of Alabama Ave, Southeast. Behind Fort Dupont Park." In one of the Blackest neighborhoods in the city.

Tsk. "Don't lie!"

"Seriously! Third generation too. My mother was born at Southeast General before they tore it down."

"Where you go to school at?"

"I was supposed to go to Beers at Alabama and Suitland Rd. But I wound up being bused to Potomac School in McLean. Which is where I plan to send this one when she's old enough. I would have sent you there but..."

" ... DC child, DC school."

"And never mind if the foster parent is willing to do more, right. So. What do you think? Do you ... are you happy with us"

At what point can you believe? How do you know it's not a dream or a fairy tale or yet another lie? No one has wanted me, not my whole life, why would these people? Why them, why now, why me?

"I know this is big but think about it, ok? You don't need to make any decisions tonight, but I wanted to make sure that you knew that we weren't trying to get rid of you. I hadn't planned to do it here but honestly, I couldn't sit through a dozen speeches tonight. I feel bad enough making Brian do it."

"Yeah."

"He's a good kid."

I could feel my cheeks burn at just the mention of his name. "Yeah."

"You might want to give him a chance." I shrugged. "You've got to trust someone eventually."

"I trust you." It sort of slipped out; I hadn't really meant to say it even if it was sort of true.

"Good. Then trust me on this; he's ok."

"Yeah? I've thought that before."

"And it didn't work out too well. Yeah, I can understand why you're reluctant." He sat back and thought for a couple minutes. "My mother — you'll have to meet her soon, I think — my mother is fond of saying 'all things to the greater good'. She's one of those who believe that no matter how bad something is, it's happening for a reason. I think ... I think maybe we were meant to find you. Sixteen years ago, Val and I couldn't have raised a child — we weren't even together then and my ex and I definitely weren't good parent material. Now, just when we're ready, here you come. I'm not saying it will be easy. I just — I just want you to know that sometimes it's ok to trust. I know you've been burned before but that's not going to happen this time."

And I believed him. I mean, I believed he meant it. I just didn't think any of it would happen that way. A family and a boyfriend and none of them want something? That only happens on TV. Not in my world. But it would be so nice to have a Dad. A real Dad — one that looks out for you and protects you. I sniffed — I really didn't want to cry but I had a feeling I was going to anyway. "I wish I'd known you before I met Terrance and this." I waved at my stomach.

He nodded. "Me too. I wish someone had been looking out for you. But, Shay," he moved next to me, "I'm looking out for you now." He brushed my hair gently and I couldn't help putting my head on his shoulder. He put his arm around my shoulder and we sat that way for a while. "Now, it's not going to be all fun, you know. I expect you to finish school. And you're going to college, we're not debating that. And," he pulled away a bit so he could look me in the eye, "You're going on the Shot. No more 'accidents'. I like this Brian but I'm not ready for two grandkids just yet."

"I don't like him like that." But I couldn't look him in the eye when I said it.

"Shay, you're lying." He put my head back on his shoulder. "But I understand. It's hard. It was hard to trust Valerie and I just had a bad divorce. I can't imagine how hard it is for you." He kissed my forehead. "But you're going to have to. Eventually. If you never really trust someone, you're never really going to be happy. It'll be hard but it'll be worth it. You'll see."

I sat there, with Mr. Redmond's arm around me and my head on his shoulder. It couldn't be true. I really really really really wanted this to be real but it couldn't be. He'd actually be kind of cool as a Dad. I think. It would be nice to call someone 'mom' and 'dad'. The baby would have that much at least.

"There you two are!" Mrs. Redmond's voice made us both jump even though — for once — it was very soft. "And me without a camera."

"Are they done with the speeches yet?" Mr. Redmond asked.

"Edward's making the final plea for donations now. Another ten minutes or so."

"Good. It's got to be past my bedtime by now." He quipped. "Hey, Shay-Shay, why don't you go find poor Brian before he dies of boredom in there. I want to talk to Val a second."

I nodded and got up. He wiped my eyes with his thumbs and smiled at me. I started to walk away but stopped. "So what should I call you now?"

He smiled widely. "Would it matter? I've been telling you to call me 'Phil' for four-months. Call me whatever you want. Just call me."

"Ok." I'd have to think about it; Phil didn't sound right but I wasn't ready for Dad just yet. "Later."

I found Brian by the buffet table. Some guy was talking about how our contributions can make a difference and Brian was finishing the last of the meatballs.

"Hey." He stopped eating and searched for a napkin. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah. It's all good. They changed their minds about adopting the baby 'cause they think they want to adopt me." I figured he deserved the whole thing.

"No way!" He practically shouted then remembered where we were. "Sorry! Really? That's awesome! That's..." He suddenly kissed me — no warning, just wham! Those lips pressed against mine, his arms around me and my whole body melting just like wax. He must have had a lot of those meatballs because I could taste the sauce on his lips, tongue, teeth, everywhere. I was having a little trouble breathing too until I shifted slightly and our noses were no longer crushed together. I was a little dizzy when he pulled back from me slowly. "Ok, I really didn't mean to do that." He whispered.

"I didn't mean to let you." I whispered back. My heart was racing and there was no denying it — I was wet. I wanted him so bad I couldn't think. Terrance had seduced me into feeling like this. Brian kissed me twice and now I'd do anything he asked.

"Ty..." His hands slid down my back and rested on my hips. "I really ... I think ... uh..."

"Eh-hem!"

We both looked up to see Mrs. Redmond grinning at Mr. Redmond and the hotel staff with a plate of desserts waiting for us to move. Brian turned deep red and I probably matched him. We moved out of the way of the banquet staff and I tried to ignore the snickering of just about everyone. Mrs. Redmond had to prod us to get us to even look at the cookies, cakes and other pastries they'd brought out.

"There'll be another hour of this — a little more wine, a few sweet things and the last few digs to get these people to give a little. Honestly, everyone here could give another thousand and not notice! And you two! My little stars! I'll have to bring you every time I do this!" She kissed both of our cheeks. "Another hour. Then home to bed. You need your rest. Did you get enough to eat?"

"Yeah." I sighed deeply. "Actually, what I am is tired." And seriously excited, but I didn't mention that.

"Oh, you poor thing. Here wait a minute. Sara?" She when off into the crowd and came back a few minutes later with a room key. "The hotel gave the organizers a room for the night. You two go relax and we'll come get you when it's all over."

"Hey! Can I go relax?" Mr. Redmond didn't smile but Mrs. laughed anyway.

"Don't be silly! Honestly! Go on, you two. And no mischief!"

Mr. Redmond looked at Brian, then at me. "Shay-Shay, what I said earlier? I lied. I don't trust him at all." Brian blushed and Mrs. Redmond laughed even harder as she pulled Mr. away.

"I ... uh ... wasn't going to ... do ... y'know ... anything."

I rolled my eyes and found the elevator. When it closed behind us, my nerves shot into hyper drive. We were alone and he was so cute! He was making a lot of effort not to look at me but every time he did, even in reflection, he grinned and blushed.

"You're not getting lucky." I snapped finally as the doors opened.

I meant it. Absolutely. No question. We were not going into a hotel room alone to do anything. I was going to take off my shoes and lie down because at some point, She had decided that my back was more fun than my bladder.

The room was beautiful. It overlooked the harbor and the lights in Arlington. There was a king-sized bed with a soft down comforter. I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to take off my shoes but I couldn't reach that far.