Chapter 4

Doug's Empire had now been in existence for 700 years, and Doug could see signs of the abuses that had descended onto Mandarin China. Much to his delight, the people were still as pushy as they ever were, and life was vigorous and healthy throughout the empire. The problem was that some of the local petty bureaucrats had started skimming on taxes, among other things.

This skimming taxes really pissed Doug off, because the bureaucrats were paid enough money that skimming was totally unnecessary. Once you had all of the money you could spend, what was the point in having more? The crooks couldn't flaunt their excess money without being arrested for theft of public funds, which carried a hefty penalty, so why did they do it? Doug didn't know the answer, and he didn't care, he was just going to put a stop to it if he could.

There already was an Inspection and Auditing Department in operation, and they did catch a few fools, but Doug knew enough about human nature to know that there were other crooks getting around the official oversight. Therefore, he decided to take a personal look. He knew that he could not show up in his official capacity as Ultimate Ruler and get results, he had to be sneaky about it. That just made it more fun!

A hundred years ago, or so, one of his wives had asked him to grow a mustache and Van Dyke style beard. His other wives had liked the idea—it added a new sensation to oral sex! Everybody had gotten used to seeing the beard and mustache, so all he had to do for a disguise was to shave it off. He could wear theatrical makeup for his public appearances, so most people would never catch on.

Since Doug was impervious to any sort of physical damage, he never traveled with bodyguards, he just used a local guard of honor, so he did not need to worry about personal danger. He told his wives what he was going to do and swore them to secrecy. He only told his children to keep quiet because he was going on a secret mission.

One morning, with no fanfare, he shaved off his beard and mustache and drove off in a nondescript car, headed for a small town 231 miles away that he suspected of harboring a crooked administrator.

Two Pigs Fucking hated his name. He could never understand why his mother had to come up with that particular choice. Sure, it was the first thing she saw when she left her house after his birth, but why couldn't she have just stopped with Two Pigs? He had stewed and brooded about his name all his life, and had vowed to get even with the world, especially his mother, for having treated him so badly. His name bothered him so much that he became down right psychotic about it!

He went through school with the constant teasing that his name induced, and only got more and more bitter over it. Strangely enough, he finally became so attached to the pain caused by the name that he never changed it, all of his life he had been known as Two Pigs Fucking.

As soon as he reached the minimum age to qualify, he volunteered for the bureaucracy. His grades were so high in school that he was a prized catch for the establishment, and they snapped him up. Two Pigs Fucking went through the training program with the best score ever achieved, just short of perfection. Some of his people skills were not the best, but his supervisors felt that his other good points would make up for that.

Two Pigs Fucking worked his way up the system until he was ready for his first supervisory assignment. He bided his time, and, when the position came open in his old home town, he asked for it. This was not the promotion that everybody expected him to go for, but, what the hell, he was still young and still learning the trade.

This was the perfect assignment for Two Pigs Fucking to begin exacting his revenge on the world. He started out by forging records to show that his mother had falsified her tax records for 12 years. This did cast aspersions on Two Pigs Fucking's predecessor, but he was dead, so who cared? The mother who had assigned the hated name was the first to pay by being cast in jail, protesting her innocence all the way. Two Pigs Fucking ignored her plight publicly, but gloried in it in private.

The next person on the hit list was Broken Rock, who had led the clique at school which had tormented Two Pigs Fucking over his name. This time, the plan was a bit more devious. Broken Rock was the manager of the local bank, and was the one responsible for the final approval for loans. Iron Fist was a local tavern owner who had wanted to expand his business, but was refused a loan because of logical financial reasons. Two Pigs Fucking started a rumor that Broken Rock had refused the loan because he was in love with one of Iron Fist's wives and was trying to drive Iron Fist out of business so that he would leave town, making his wife available in the process.

This rumor was absolutely ridiculous, but Iron Fist was just annoyed enough to believe it, since it was easier for him to believe that he had been cheated than that he was just a poor businessman. One dark night, Broken Rock was beaten to death in his office in the bank, and Iron Fist was convicted of the crime. It happened that Iron Fist was also one of those who had teased Two Pigs Fucking about his name.

So it went, over a period of seven years. Two Pigs Fucking had turned down two promotions just so that he could stay in his current position. Two Pigs Fucking had finally exacted his revenge on the immediate tormentors, but the whole world had so far escaped him. Now he was ready to accept the next promotion that came his way.

Two Pigs Fucking had a grand scheme for his world wide revenge, but it required large quantities of money. That was when he started skimming the tax funds, as well as the money for various other fees. At first, he was very circumspect in his skimming, but none of the routine inspectors had found any signs of wrong doing, so Two Pigs Fucking had stepped up the scale of his operations.

By this time, Two Pigs Fucking had amassed a significant secret fortune which he kept in banks scattered around the country in accounts under fictitious names. He now had so many accounts that he had to keep a set of ledgers going just so he would not forget what he had stashed where. Unfortunately for him, Two Pigs Fucking had reached the point of assuming that he was so smart that he would never be caught, so he kept his set of private books in his office in his home.

What had caught Doug's eye was that the town run by Two Pigs Fucking had slowly, but steadily, gone from being a producer of surplus revenue to a receiver of funds from the public coffers. Yet, there was no apparent reason for this, so Doug decided to investigate.

Doug arrived in town just after noon, so he stopped long enough at a motel to check in and eat a light lunch. He then started wandering around town, trying to get a feel of the place. It didn't make sense that the town had the appearance of a prosperous and growing community, yet was so poor that it could not keep up its end of the revenue stream.

Doug assumed the persona of a real estate developer who was looking for a place to put in a block of apartments. In this guise, he talked to a lot of local businessmen over the next few days and came to the conclusion that there was a tax skimming scheme being run and it had to be in the office of the local administrator.

Two Pigs Fucking had the reputation of being very sharp and not likely to let such a scheme flourish under him without noticing it. Therefore, Two Pigs Fucking had to be in on the scheme!

Doug did some discrete investigating and found that Two Pigs Fucking had a kind of nebulous reputation among the townspeople. He was very aloof and had no more social contact than was absolutely required by his job. He was not a member of any of the clubs and organizations that flourished in the town, nor was he ever seen at any of the nightclubs or gambling establishments most men visited, if only occasionally. Most people knew of Two Pigs Fucking's existence only because there had to be somebody in the job, and many people did not even know his name.