Chapter 60: Are You Insane!

Friday, April 15, 2005 (Continued)

[[I will continue to write this from my viewpoint, as if I was still in the room as an observer. Julia subsequently described much of the conversation to me, and I also learned about it as part of my research for writing this autobiography.]]

Mom was shattered by Carol's wanting to shoot herself. Vanessa got Mom to sit down, then sat beside her. Mom struggled for words, but Vanessa said, "Wait a bit. There's no hurry." Prof went and got a carafe of water and some glasses.

Eventually Mom asked Vanessa, "What happened?"

"You created a single-issue conflict where there wasn't a compromise solution. Either Mark was allowed to play with other girls, or he was not. You would not have agreed to his playing with half of them, for example. So Carol saw it as either a win-lose or lose-win. Then you refused to accept any settlement other than your winning, which meant Mark had to lose. When Carol, Julia and Mark would not let Mark lose, you got angry, especially at him as it was him that you blamed. Carol knows your relationship with Mark is very important to Mark's life, so your anger with him frightened her. Carol was also frightened that Mark might be the victim of bad women in the future. Carol doesn't handle conflict well, and she grabbed for the only solution she could think of. She found what she considered to be a good solution."

Mom did not think so, "Killing herself was not a good solution. It was lunacy!"

"It was a good solution given her life-skills and priorities. She did the best she could. Consider that Carol has almost no resources, so almost no ability to solve Mark's problems. She's not as smart or experienced as Julia and Mark. Carol saw that they weren't able to sway you, so she had no chance of doing so. She couldn't buy you off with her pocket money and she has no other resources. One of the measures of a 'good solution' is one that achieves the desired goal with the lowest cost. The only resource Carol has that could be used to solve this problem is her life. In her mind that's not a valuable resource. She doesn't think highly of herself, and she considers everyone else is much more valuable to Mark than she is, including you Felicity. Carol knew you were trying to protect her, and that if she didn't exist then you wouldn't have a reason to hold Mark back. It wouldn't work out that way, of course. Imagine the blame that would be leveled at Mark if Carol killed herself so he could play around, and I doubt Mark would recover from the guilt he'd feel. Carol couldn't see those consequences though. As far as she could see, removing herself solved the problem, thus making it appear a good solution.

^-- "Carol loves Mark 'unto death'. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to love someone that much and not be able to help them in any important way? Love is about giving, but what can she give him? She compensates for that by giving Mark every ounce of her loyalty, so she can demonstrate her love for him. Her request for a gun was grandstanding to a degree, to prove to Mark how much she loves him. Having said that, I don't think it was a bluff. You should realize that Mark, Carol and Julia consider themselves married now, so their primary loyalties are to each other. We are used to seeing that happen when our children grow up, mature into adults, get married and move away; which is why you didn't recognize that it had happened with your still-living-at-home, 13-year old daughter. You were shocked when she showed that her priority was Mark over you.

^-- "She doesn't really hate you of course, it was just that you were acting against the best interests of her husband and she CORRECTLY got upset about it. If Steven's mother attacked him angrily for something that was not his fault, and she kept getting angrier and angrier for half an hour, you wouldn't hesitate to leap in to defend him, especially if what he was being blamed for was your idea. That's what Carol did, to the best of her ability. You've got a head-over-heels in love, worshipful, teenage girl who doesn't handle conflict well, and you threatened her superhumanly exceptional husband because they all want him to learn how to defend himself in the future. It's no wonder you made Carol desperate to find a solution." Vanessa then fell silent.

Mom immediately disagreed with one part, "I didn't threaten Mark."

"Yes, you did. You threatened his future by trying to keep him weak."

Mom took a few seconds to think about it, then she said, "Your analysis was very impressive, Vanessa. I didn't see hardly any of it happening at the time, and even afterward would not have been able to present it like you did."

Vanessa said, "It was easier for me than you think. Right from the start I knew you were wrong so it was easy to watch you and see what was happening. You spent all your time fighting to win your argument rather than looking, listening and thinking."

Mom exclaimed, "Hang on there! What do you mean I was wrong? It's not right that Mark plays around with other girls."

Vanessa said, "I don't want to restart the whole argument about that with you. I've sat through half an hour of it already, which is more than enough time wasted on such an obvious issue. I want to talk with you now about your shortcomings."

Mom exclaimed, "MY shortcomings! This isn't about me, this is about Carol's meltdown and Mark's wanting to play around with other girls."

Vanessa disagreed, "First, Carol didn't 'meltdown', she served Mark to the best of her ability. It's not her fault that her conflict resolution abilities are so stunted. Carol behaved commendably and I've already kissed her on the cheek and praised her. When you've thanked and praised her that issue will be finished with.

^-- "Second, you just accused Mark of wanting to play around, but of the three of them, Mark is the LEAST motivated to do that. Carol was willing to kill herself so he could play around - how motivated is that! - and it was Julia who was arguing with you most of the time. Mark was trying to be calm and conciliatory. So your statement describing what 'this is about' is wrong. You've failed to see that in the half an hour you were arguing, which makes that another shortcoming of yours.

^-- "Look at how your kids manage conflict. Mark has been a punching bag for bullies nearly all his life. If he hadn't developed extraordinary abilities they'd be punching him still. Carol sits silently until she can't stand the aggression anymore and then she wants to kill herself. The discussion wasn't even that bad. I've been in worse staff meetings where no one has found it necessary to kill themselves, sometimes to my regret. Mark and Carol are both terrible at handling conflict.

^-- "Donna's not so bad, from what little I know. Julia told me a story of Donna picking up her bike and throwing it at a reporter, while - I'll point out - her two older siblings were standing around uselessly. Probably Donna has learned what conflict resolution skills she has from her sports teams, which would explain her directness. Neither Carol nor Mark have played sports, except Mark only recently with soccer. When was the last time you and Steven had an argument in front of the kids?"

Mom, indignantly, "Never! We would never do that. On the rare occasions we have an argument, we always do it quietly in our bedroom with the door closed."

"Which is why your children don't know how to handle conflict: you've never shown them. Steven respects you so highly and you have such a strong personality that you have very little conflict at home, and what little you do have, you hide from them. So Mark and Carol are wimps."

Dad spoke up, "I think you're right, Vanessa. I haven't been very..."

Mom disagreed, "You're not a wimp! Vanessa is completely wrong about that. You are a strong man. I have seen you..."

Vanessa burst out laughing, which was not what Mom expected. Mom stopped, and Vanessa explained. "Felicity, Steven FINALLY started saying something, after staying out of the argument for more than thirty minutes, and he got maybe half a dozen words out before you cut him off. He didn't fight you, he just sat back and let you carry on. Can you think of a more effective proof for my point? Steven does not stand up to YOU. I never said Steven was a wimp - you put those words in my mouth - I said your children are wimps, because Steven and you have not shown them how to handle conflict."

^-- Vanessa turned to Dad, "Steven, are you a wimp outside of home? Your job is supervising people isn't it? That must involve resolving conflicts."

Dad said, "Yeah. I supervise plenty of people and have no trouble. No wimp trouble, that is. Every year or two the boss tries to promote me because I do my job so well, but there's too much paperwork and not enough people work at the next level so I always turn it down. That I might be a wimp has NEVER crossed my mind before. I'm not a wimp anywhere except when I'm with Felicity. She understands family matters a lot better than me so I let her decide things. Not man-stuff like servicing the car because then I know what I'm talking about, but raising the kids stuff, yeah, I leave that to Fely."

Vanessa said, "All three of your kids are great kids. Mark, even ignoring all his special abilities, is a very nice boy. Carol's a real sweetie, and Donna's a hard case with a good heart. They're a good bunch of teenagers. A more LOVING family is almost impossible to imagine. You can be truly proud of how well your kids have turned out. I bet there've been lots of times when your heart has swelled with pride in them over the last year or so, am I correct?"

Mom said, "Yes. Many times. But I've failed them..."

"You have GOT to be joking! Your kids are wonderful."

"I have failed. They're upstairs miserable because of our argument."

Vanessa interrupted, "I promise you that they are feeling more happiness and joy than they believed possible."

"Huh? That's insane! Carol threatened to kill herself ten minutes ago."

Vanessa said, "Felicity, first she didn't 'threaten', she 'offered'. There's a BIG difference. A threat is made to force someone to do something they don't want to do. She didn't threaten anyone. She never said, 'You do what I want or I'll kill myself.' Instead she offered her life to Mark and you to make the conflict go away."

Mom asked, "I don't understand that. How can she offer her life to Mark and me. That doesn't make any sense."

"That's easy. Her existence was the apparent reason for Mark's maturity being held back. By taking herself out, Mark could move forward again, improving his life and removing a conflict between him and you. She was sacrificing her life to make his better. That's a gift, and is also something she vowed to do at her wedding."

Mom said, "I can understand the logic of that, but it's completely out of proportion. In what way was she offering her life to me. I'd be losing a daughter. That's a loss, not a gift."

Vanessa said, "I doubt that Carol was aware that she was offering you a gift as she doesn't understand her actions well enough, but there was an implicit gift. If you can't see it as such, consider that a threatening solution was for her to use the gun to kill you."

"WHAT! Are you INSANE! She would NEVER..."

Vanessa yelled, "STOP!"

Mom did.

Vanessa continued, "Felicity, you and I have got to have a serious talk about your use of the phrase 'Are you insane!' You are destroying useful dialogue by using it in the accusatory way you do. It's starting to annoy me, so please don't use it again.

^-- "You forced Carol into a corner and she panicked. Who knows what she would 'never do'. I would hope she would never kill herself, but it'd be a good idea not to force her into any more corners to find that out. I'm sure, in this case, that Carol never thought of shooting you, and if she had she would've rejected it because she thought killing herself was a much better option. That's what I meant about an implicit offer to you. Because she offered to kill herself, she is telling you that she loves and values you more than she loves and values herself. You should be proud that she loves you so much, but deeply concerned that she values herself so little."

"Oh."

"I said Mark and Carol would be joyful and happy now. Mark always spots when someone does something nice for him - provided he understands what happened - and he's very good at expressing his appreciation. He's overly effusive at such times. He's also extremely uncomfortable when his loved ones are unhappy and tries his hardest to cheer them up. Carol will be on the receiving end of his absolutely best efforts to make her happy. Carol glows under his praise so they'll both be very happy. A little concerned about you, but you don't matter much. They'll be too busy being wrapped up in each other. Do you know why you don't matter much, Felicity?"

"No. But you're obviously going to tell me."

"Yes I will, because there are three mistakes of yours and Steven's that have come to light tonight. First, that your children are wimps. Second, that you don't understand that they're married now. That's why you don't matter much. Mark and Carol are husband and wife. 'Lord and wife' in their terminology. They are no longer primarily your children; they are now primarily each other's spouse. Carol screamed that she hated you because you were hurting her man, so it's clear where her loyalty lies. When Mark and Carol have fully reassured each other than they are both okay, only then will they turn their thoughts to you. That's exactly how a husband and wife should behave. That's why I sent them from the room, so they could be together and heal each other. Do you understand that?"

"I can see that. You explain it well."

"Good. Now can you see how incredibly stupid you were all throughout that argument?"

"Hey, that's not fair. I had lots of good points. Mark should not play around with other girls. That's insane. No one should do that in a relationship. In a MARRIAGE, as you just got to me acknowledge."

"Felicity, do I have your permission to throw a glass of water over you the next time you use the word 'insane'?"

"Huh? No, of course not."

"I earlier asked you not to say 'insane' but you just did it again. I would REALLY like you not to use that word; it is important to me that you don't. So how should I motivate you not to use it? I thought maybe throwing water over you might wake you up. Do you have a better idea?"

"I didn't realize it was so important to you. It's no big deal, and I don't see why you're so fixated on it. I'll just not say it, okay?"

Vanessa agreed, "That would be good." Then she pointedly poured herself half a glass of water and put it right in front of her.

Mom looked at the action most suspiciously. "We agreed 'no water', right?"

Vanessa said, "It won't matter, as we also agreed that you won't use that word, right?"

Mom gave a doubtful, "Okay."

Vanessa said, "We were just discussing how incredibly stupid you were during the argument."

"You are very abrupt sometimes."

"Yes, it can be as good as a glass of water in the face." That did not cheer Mom up much.

Mom asked, "Why was I stupid?"

Vanessa explained, "The entire argument was about something that a husband and wife have got every right to decide for themselves. It was a matrimonial issue. You had no business sticking your nose into it. Your opinion wasn't even asked. When Carol mentioned 'more girls' you leaped onto the issue and never let up with your criticisms, and never stopped to think about the big picture. The kids had it all worked out. They knew what they were doing, why they were doing it, how, when, etc. You heard Mark say that they spent quite a long time discussing how to do it ethically. So, all things considered, I'd say they understood what they were doing a great deal better than most people understand most of the things they do."

Mom wasn't going down without a good fight. "They may have thought they understood what they were doing, but they obviously didn't understand the consequences. Having affairs can ruin marriages."

Vanessa turned to Julia and asked her, "Julia, list the possible consequences if the three of you proceed with your 'Playing Around' plan."

Julia held up one finger. "Sure:

^-- "One: The one we want, Mark gains understanding of women and becomes better able to resist 'womanly wiles', as he so cutely put it. I would've said 'resist gold-digging slut bitches', but each to his own.

^-- "Two: That we would have a great deal of fun. We all love sex, so that would have been fun. The girls Mark had it with would have enjoyed it most of all, because Mark is VERY good at sex.

^-- "Three: We might meet some girls that we really liked and who could become friends of ours, possibly even future wives, although I doubt..."

"WHAT! Are you..."

Vanessa had picked up her glass. That stopped Mom cold.

Vanessa said, "Felicity, do you want to express an opinion or ask a question? I will point out that this sounds like an internal matrimonial issue to me, and your opinion has not been requested. Feel free to ask questions if you like though. Questions are good because they lead to dialogue and increased understanding, unlike loud, accusatory expressions of the lack of sanity. So, Felicity, express an opinion or ask a question?"

Vanessa pointedly changed her grip on her glass.

Mom looked at it and Vanessa suspiciously, and said, "I think I'll ask a question. You can put that glass down."

Vanessa did so.

Mom turned to Julia and said, "Do you mean to tell me that you are considering having more wives?"

Julia said, "Sure. Not only considering it, but planning for it. We've discussed it many times. Carol and I would be disappointed if we don't. Haha, I just realized that Carol would be EXTREMELY disappointed. Mark too, of course, as he gets to pick the wives, so they're bound to be girls or women he enjoys."

"What! Oops. Umm, I mean, 'Mark chooses'! What about your and Carol's opinion?"

"Mark's the Lord. Carol and I will go along with whatever he decides. You know this already because you heard our vows to obey him. Our marriage isn't a democracy; it's a meritocracy."

Mom was incredulous, "I can't believe you two would go along with this. Mark's got you brainwashed. He's forcing you and my daughter into this."

Vanessa's laughter stopped Mom. Mom looked at Vanessa.

Vanessa explained, "Yeah, Mark is SUCH a forceful guy, isn't he? I'm sure he's a complete TYRANT in the relationship, forcing both the girls to do all sorts of horrible things they hate, haha. Listen to yourself, Felicity! Mark's a complete wimp. He wouldn't dream of forcing either girl to do anything they didn't want. If he THINKS that he MIGHT have POSSIBLY upset anyone, he spends the next two hours apologizing to the person and anything else that moves. Then the next day he'll do something nice to make up for it, and then start apologizing again. Get real! If it's part of their marriage then it's something the girls want. Julia, resume listing consequences."

Julia said, "Okay. Where was I? First, Mark's learning. Our learning too, come to that - that's another consequence. Second, fun. Third, friendship and perhaps more wives, although I expect not. Unless we marry Donna if Mark has babies with her.

Mom, to her credit, didn't say "What!" Instead she said, "{Groan}. I never thought about that."

Julia said, "Why not? It was obvious. All of us knew we'd marry her if she has Mark's babies. We'd never have babies outside of a family structure. That's SO important! I'd be completely lost without my family. Thanks Mom and Dad!"

Mom said, "I never thought about it. I guess I assumed that Steven and I would raise them."

Vanessa said, "Why? They'd be Mark and Donna's children. Don't you think they'd want and have the right to raise their own children? Maybe with your help, when it was INVITED, as opposed be being forced on them."

"{Groan}. I just never thought of these things."

"But you said you were an adult and that you understood consequences better than the kids did. You used that to justify sticking your nose into their matrimonial business."

Mom, "I haven't had time to think about these things."

"You didn't take the time to think about the 'More Girls' issue either. You leaped straight in, staked out your ground and wouldn't budge an inch. Even though it was none of your business, all the kids were enthusiastic about the idea, and had obviously spent considerable time thinking about it, planning it, understanding it and its consequences."

Mom said, "You're making me look stupid, but it still can't be right for Mark to play around. Everyone knows you shouldn't play around when you're in a relationship."

Vanessa said, "So let me get this right: 'Everyone' says something shouldn't be done, so you're using that to guide what these three kids are doing. You're taking a rule from 'Everyone' and applying it in a totally unprecedented situation, to a multi-way marriage led by a superhuman man who could possibly become the most important person the world has ever seen. Even though all three kids clearly wanted to do things their way, and have the right to make their own decisions and their own mistakes, you thought the 'Everyone' rule was so important that you stuck to your guns so rigidly that Carol's only way to end the argument was to try to get a gun to kill herself."

^-- After a pause to let that sink in, Vanessa added, "Felicity, I KNOW you are not bound so rigidly by society's rules. You let your 13-year old daughter marry your son, have sex with him, and they plan to have babies together. You even calmly - or reasonably calmly once the surprise wore off - talked about Donna having his babies too. If I was to guess, I would say that your RIGID fixation on this particular 'everyone knows' rule is because you have projected onto Carol your fear that Steven might have an affair."

Dad laughed, and said, "Haha. That's so silly..."

He didn't get any further because Mom burst into tears. Prof produced a hanky.

Dad was confused, until a few seconds later when Mom admitted that it was true. She had feared exactly that all of their marriage because of ... There followed a significant amount of conversation between Mom and Dad, which I'll skip as it has no real significance to my story at the moment and it's their personal business. You wouldn't stick your nose into someone's marriage when it's not invited, would you?

Some time later Vanessa said, "Okay, two down, one to go. To summarize our progress thus far: The first problem that came to light tonight is that your children are wimps and they need to be strengthened. Second, Felicity's sticking her uninvited nose into their matrimonial business. There are side issues of Felicity's use of the 'insane' accusation that I'll address with her later, and the issue of Felicity's fear of Steven having an affair that they can work on themselves. Are we in agreement thus far?"

^-- Everyone was, so Vanessa continued, "I said there were three major mistakes being made that came to light tonight. So now we come to the third. This is an issue that we've discussed several times, but Felicity and Steven just haven't got it yet. I'll start by asking how do you value a life? It's a very basic ethical question. I don't mean monetarily, but comparatively. We like to say that 'all lives are created equal, ' and we believe in equality and all that nice, warm, fuzzy stuff, but sometimes you have to make either/or decisions. When people's houses catch fire, they often have to prioritize who they rush in to rescue.

^-- "Let me give you an example. Imagine Steven is out in the ocean in a small boat with three generations of his women: his mother, his wife (you Felicity) and a daughter (say Donna). A storm comes up and capsizes the boat. Steven's a strong enough swimmer to save only one of the three females and the other two will surely drown. Who should he save, Felicity?"

Mom said, "Easy: Donna. I don't even like his mother much. Sorry, I couldn't resist that, but Donna in any event."

Vanessa said, "Steven, who would you save in that situation?"

Dad said, "Seriously? I have to choose between Fely and Donna? I'd rather not make that choice."

"I need you to answer."

Dad looked at Mom, and said, "Sorry, honey. Forgive me, but it'd have to be Donna. I'm not happy at being forced to say it in front of Fely either."

Mom said, "If you'd tried to save me I would've kicked you in the balls! Of course you save Donna. There's nothing to forgive; you gave the right answer."

Vanessa said, "If you ask Caucasian Americans, 90% save their daughter, and 10% their wife. The mothers are dead meat. Sorry for that term, but almost no one saves their mother. The same question asked in China gets responses of less than 1% of daughters saved, almost 20% of wives, and 80% of mothers."

Mom shook her head, and asked, "How can they let their daughters die like that? Their daughters have got their whole lives ahead of them and are supposed to be protected from danger. That's what parents do for their children."

Vanessa, "Chinese parents do that for their children too. They risk their lives running into burning buildings to save their children just like we do. Also their pets sometimes, but people are like that.

^-- "The capsizing boat exercise isn't about the parent saving him or herself in preference to a child, it was about which generation is worth the most. I imagine that a Chinese wife, floating beside her husband, would get as angry as you would if her husband tried to save her. She'd knee him in the balls then tell him to save his mother because those are their values. The usual reasons given for their choices are that the daughter is hardly ever saved because it is COMPARATIVELY - that word again - easy for a man to have another daughter. It is harder, but still doable, for him to get another wife. However, it is absolutely impossible for a man to get another mother. She is irreplaceable and valued accordingly."

"Wow, that's interesting. Nice too, but if Steven saved his mother and let Donna drown I'd do more than knee him in the balls!"

Vanessa continued, "Good, I see you understand what the example means. Now let's say all our two families are out in the boat together. We can include Steven's mother too, if you like. The boat capsizes again. Let's say that, somehow, everyone is knocked unconscious except Prof, who can hold up only one person. Who should he save?"

Mom didn't need to think about it, "Obviously Julia. In our culture the children come first. You have three children, but girls and the youngest come first. Guys are supposed to protect girls and your boys would presumably agree that Julia should be saved."

Vanessa said, "Let's say Steven is the only person conscious. Who should he save?"

Mom said, "It's a bit harder in our case because we have two young girls. But I think probably the youngest, Donna. That's the way our culture normally works: save the youngest female."

Vanessa said, "I notice that you thought Prof and Steven should save children within their own families. You didn't cross families."

Mom confirmed, "No. No insult intended, but if you can't save everybody, you obviously concentrate on your own family. That's how our culture works too."

Vanessa, "I agree that our culture teaches that your priorities are your family, young and female. Returning to the setup where both of our families are out in this badly constructed boat, it capsizes yet again, and Prof is the only conscious person. Felicity thinks he should save Julia. That's correct isn't it Felicity?"

Mom nodded.

Vanessa asks, "Julia, who would Prof save?"

"Mark."

Mom exclaimed, as she does in times like this, "What!"

Vanessa said to Felicity, "Let me finish and we'll explain then. Julia who would I save if I was the only one conscious?"

"Mark."

"Who would you, Andrew or Robert save?"

"Mark. Always Mark. If you guys don't, I'll knee you in the balls."

Vanessa said, "If Steven is the only one awake, Julia, who should he save?"

"Mark. Everyone in both families saves Mark first. If Mark is awake he saves Carol."

Vanessa said, "Really? Carol? I would've thought you."

Julia responded. "No, Carol. The three of us decided on this earlier. It's Mark, Carol, me."

Prof said, "That's interesting. I'll tell The Boys just in case."

Vanessa turned to Mom and Dad, and said, "Enough of the capsizing boat scenario. Let's talk reality. Everyone in my family recognizes that Mark is incredibly important. Then Carol because of her importance to Mark, then Julia because she is also important to Mark. In our society we like to think that people are equal. We tell ourselves that we SHOULD treat people as equal. Yet every day in America, in real-life emergencies, family members are saved ahead of strangers, children before adults, females before males. Equality is often impossible when choices are forced.