Chapter 376: Two Bushes in the Hand

Friday, June 15, 2007 (Continued)

Coincidentally, at the same time as the Army was discovering the FBI's little presents, back in Washington DC a little plan our beloved leader had approved had come to fruition. Back on June 7, the President and the then FBI Director, Robert Mueller, had stood shoulder to shoulder while Director Mueller said, "Yes, the FBI was using that UAV - under the control of Northrop Grumman - to surveil the Anderson residence." That'd given us an undeniable claim on $216 billion. Our lawyer had sent the Federal Government our bill for that amount, and we were currently awaiting payment. In the event that it didn't arrive with fourteen days, we'd file a lawsuit for that amount plus interest.

Before the President let Director Mueller give us what appeared to be a "Pass Go, Collect Two Hundred ( ... and Sixteen Billion) Dollars" moment, the President's advisors had already given him a method to avoid paying us. This morning's busy session of important law making included a tiny bill tacked onto the third reading of a piece of totally unrelated legislation, leading to the enactment of the "Fiscal Responsibility Toward Private Individuals Act". It had only one significant clause: "In a lawsuit taken by private individual(s) against the Federal Government, no court can order a payment to the plaintiff(s) for a total of more than $100 million, unless the Senate gives its prior consent for the suit's damages to have a larger maximum amount."

We were still standing around outside waiting for the gas canisters to be removed when our lawyer called us with the poor news. He explained it, adding, "It's not unconstitutional and there are no other grounds to have it struck down. They've successfully pulled the rug from underneath us. When the fourteen days are up, we can sue them for $216 billion, but the court cannot order payment of more than $100 million..."

I VERY nearly said, "It's hardly worth it," but then I realized how utterly stupid that was!

" ... The suit against the CIA will be affected too because the law affects all judgments from today on." That was the suit we had going for the CIA spying on our Peoria Road home, and duping the Army into attacking it. We were claiming a billion, just as an arbitrary amount as there weren't any precedents to work from. The court would decide how much we got in a few months.

#12: <Assholes!>

When we'd been deciding on the strategy Mom was going to use in her media statement, we'd been aware that there were some downsides to the exaggeration we were going to use:

• It'd doubtless scare the hell out of anyone intending to come to our party tomorrow evening, so that was going to flop.

• Much more important, Andrew and Sophia's wedding was the following weekend and that might be affected too. Hopefully by then everyone would be able to see that the Government was in full retreat, but if the situation still seemed dicey the Anderson family could publicly leave the property for the weekend to diminish the perceived risk to the wedding guests.

• The trickiest issue was how the Guardian Angel should respond to the FBI's latest "assassination plan".

The last point had caused the most debate. The angel had to react in a way consistent with its public image, but that'd be so unfair it was unpalatable to the mothers and even to me. If the FBI had really tried to assassinate us, I would've FUCKED the Government and FBI over mercilessly! There would've been massive destruction and several deaths, ideally starting with everyone in the top two or three management levels of the FBI, to send a VERY clear message. But punishing them that severely just for bugging our homes and installing knockout gas canisters wasn't acceptable. Doing nothing wasn't acceptable either; we had to push the Government back, and the public and other agencies had to see the angel do that. It'd been a problem we'd had to discuss for while to arrive at an acceptable compromise.

We'd decided that the Guardian Angel would reveal the photos it'd taken and explain that it'd known about the gas canisters, bugs and gate sensors even before it returned the families, and it'd cut the head off the onsite FBI boss in appropriate punishment, he being terminally stupid for thinking he could hide stuff from God. It would claim that it had left the bugs and canisters in place because it'd stop the gas working if the FBI ever activated it, and what the bugs overheard would help convince the FBI of the families' innocence so reduce the threat the FBI posed to the Guardian Angel's assignment. It might also go to some military bases somewhere and cause a billion or two's worth of damage just to punish the Government for not owning up to the crap it'd left on our property, but that's the only retribution it would've taken. We thought the public would see that as a "good" - in both the intelligent and moral senses - response.

That was before the slap-in-the-face new law. It pissed me off because I'd wanted that money for my fantastic new lab in a few years. Not only was the Government changing the law to avoid taking responsibility for the FBI's blatantly and repeated breaking of the settlement agreement, but the Government's using the law as a weapon against those less powerful than itself brought the law into disrepute. I used to think the law should be respected and honored, but they were prostituting it. Worse than that actually, because prostitutes' customers are volunteers and get something in return. The Government was using the law to steal $215.9 billion from us. It was fucking us in a very different way. My anger made me want to reconsider our previous decision for how the angel should retaliate for the FBI's latest illegalities.

After our lawyer had finished the discussion about the new law, Mom told him about the Army's finding the FBI's bugs and deadly gas canisters in our home, and about the statement of hers that would shortly be appearing on TV.

Our lawyer was HORRIFIED! He even used the word "unbelievable", proving he was a smart guy.

Mom added, "Don't broadcast it to the media, but you can tell your staff not to worry about anything bad happening in DC this time. The Guardian Angel has already given us an indication what it's going to do."

"What?"

"It's best that I don't say."

After our lawyer had hung up, I said, "I had been okay with our plan for the angel response to the so-called second assassination attempt, but I'm unhappy about it now. We can't allow the Government to get away with smacking us twice without retaliating in an effective way."

"What have you got in mind?" asked Vanessa.

"Nothing yet. I'm just suggesting we reopen that discussion."

The moms agreed that publicly letting the Government get away with two bad actions wasn't acceptable. There was a huge number of options as the Guardian Angel can do just about anything - except make the Government behave morally or legally - so we had plenty to discuss. A decision was eventually reached (more on that later).

While the FBI's crap was being removed, and in response to a question of mine to Paul about our being able to use it, I learned an astonishing fact: we had to give it all back to the FBI. If we didn't, including if we destroyed any of it, the FBI could take us to court and we'd be in big trouble, especially given how high-tech this stuff was. They'd deliberately left the stuff on our property without our consent, and had even drilled dozens of holes throughout our homes to install it, but we were liable for it! It's very handy being a government and able to write your own laws. I'll remember that if I ever become Emperor of the Earth.

Mom started calling MAF's middle management to let them know not to worry about the angel nuking DC shortly, and Vanessa took the girls and me back inside and supervised us while we finished our exams in the correct amount of time. I had two more exams left to do. The supervisor had left them behind in her haste to leave, so because there were just us in the room, I did one of them with my right hand and the other with my left. I finished the last of them only a few minutes after the girls finished.

Yippee! Exam week was over. It'd been an even bigger pain the ass than usual; a sentiment that Donna particularly agreed with.

Vanessa got the change of supervisor approved so we wouldn't have any problem with that.

The Army didn't find anything else wrong. The FBI had done plenty of physical damage, had planted the bugs and gas canisters, and had tweaked the software to reduce the sensitivity of the seven antennas around the two boxes, but that's all they'd done. None of our other equipment had been tampered with. The Army never thought to check our gateposts, but that didn't signify anything and we couldn't care less about that. It might even be another useful way of embarrassing the FBI later.

Most of the Army guys returned to their bases in the late afternoon.

[Repairing Mom and Dad's room and the two vault doors took another couple of days, and many more after that for Mom to decide on the new carpet she wanted. To play safe I decided to replace all my computer systems, right down to the mouse. It was probably unnecessary, but the cost was trivial. I paid Logan to do it all for me, so it wasn't any trouble either. It's good to be able to hire computer nerds.]

What was most fun, was the TV broadcasts and the public's reactions. Mom's statement had aired long enough ago for the reaction to have grown to a massive degree.

Almost every time Mom's very short interview was repeated, it was followed by a quote from one of the Guardian Angel's earlier emails: "If Mark Anderson is imperiled, I will detonate 2 [W80s], one near the leader, the other to do maximum damage to that organization."

• There was no doubt at all that installing a lethal gas canister in the air conditioning vent of Mark Anderson's bedroom constituted imperilment.

• There was no doubt at all that the Guardian Angel was capable of getting hold of two W80s.

• There was considerable debate about where "the leader's" current Undisclosed Location was. Everyone in the country was praying for "PLEASE not near me." There was no doubt or debate that the second W80 would do "maximum damage to that organization" if exploded in Washington DC, whether "that organization" was the FBI or the Federal Government itself.

• There was very little doubt that the angel was a "man of its word" (well, considerable doubt about the first part of that phrase, but none about the last part).

All things considered, there was absolute certainty that Washington DC was about to be nuked. Many people - elsewhere in the country - were even starting to think that it deserved to be because of the Government's heinous lethal attacks on citizens who'd never been accused of a crime, including a pretty, young girl (the public always gets much more upset about crimes which are committed against someone who is pretty). The Government seemed so hell-bent on pissing off the angel that it seemed that there was no choice but to nuke DC because the Government was obviously insane and was going to keep on attacking the Andersons until it was stopped the hard way.

So, for the third time, Washingtonians were fleeing in terror, even more certain of their city's imminent nuclear annihilation than they had been the previous two times. There was a difference this time though: the people were not only terrified, they were also ANGRY! The fucking Government had caused this crisis through being UNBELIEVABLY stupid and criminal. Many people didn't try to get out of DC, through not having their own transportation, or not believing they'd have time because of all the gridlocked streets, or maybe they felt so much anger it swamped their terror. Whatever the reason for their staying, many of them were expressing their anger. There was widespread destruction, looting, setting of fires, and everything else people could think of to express their anger. It was a fucking mess. It wasn't a well reported mess because the vast majority of media people were fleeing too, but there were a few still reporting, and there were many mounted cameras around central DC that could provide live images of the chaos and destruction.

Elsewhere around the country, the public was just ANGRY! There were demonstrations, FBI buildings were having their windows smashed by stone-throwing and even gun-firing mobs, and there were placards saying things like, "We're Innocent, Kill the FBI scum." There was no hint of anyone sticking up for the FBI. I liked all the placards, but one that I particularly admired was, "God Damn the FBI." It was logical, clever and concise. I like being "logical" and "clever", and I'd like to be "concise" too, which is probably why I admire examples of other people doing it so well.

Unsurprisingly, President Bush was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't even reporting from "an undisclosed location". No one had any doubts that he was hiding in a very deep hole somewhere and that he wasn't going to say or do anything that could give his location away.

Spokespeople were saying, "Be calm, there aren't any missing bombs," but that had no effect. Everyone remembered, or if they didn't the media was reminding them, that the Air Force had said it was impossible to stop God taking bombs if He wanted them. There were nuclear bombs all over the country and one of the Guardian Angel's emails had implied it could create nuclear explosions itself anyway, the media also helpfully explaining the latter point. Many people were CERTAIN that the angel had to lose his temper over the latest Government crime.

#4: <Can you imagine the armed forces wherever there are nukes. They must be shitting themselves about the angel turning up.>

#10: <We'd better be extra careful when we fly tonight. The Air Force will be on high alert.>

An FBI spokesperson was lucky to survive his attempt at a press conference. He walked into the room, letting the nearest female reporter make herself an instant heroine by being filmed spitting on his face. He had to run out of the room immediately after that because the male reporters' attacks were clearly going to be more physical. He did manage to yell over his shoulder something like, "That wasn't what we intended to do," but no one gave a shit about what he said.