Chapter 173: Ridiculed

Monday, May 2, 2005 (Continued)

I located Julia, who told me, "We had great fun with the pop quiz about you. There was lots of joking around, so you missed a good time." That was true, I did miss having a good time. I'd been too busy beating my head against a brick wall. Julia continued, "Carol, Ava and I are going to mark them after school tomorrow, to keep us busy until we hear how your trip went. We'll go through the answers at the Wednesday lunchtime meeting, just before the Pipeline Q&A starts. That'll give us a chance to do some boasting about you before the girls confront the reality of that competition. How did your lunch go?"

"Frustrating, confusing, annoying. If you listened to Chloe, you'd think it was the best lunch she's ever had, even though I 'forced her to do terrible things.' I'll tell you about it this evening, so you can explain it to me. My head hurts trying to make sense of it. Life would be so much easier if girls made sense."

"Did you succeed with getting her to undo some buttons?"

"In a sensible world, that would have a 'Yes' or 'No' answer. Did I mention that my lunch was confusing?"

"Haha. Okay, we'll talk about it tonight."

We both noticed that Chloe's buttons were done up all the way to her neck, as usual, for the rest of the day. She was always very happy to see me, just not happy enough to undo a button.

As soon as I saw Lily, I thanked her very much for the delicious lunch, adding, "What was I eating, because it was delicious?"

Lily answered, "Rice and, umm, I don't know word. Small animal."

"Pig, or was it some sort of bird?"

Lily was shaking her head. She said, "Makes sound, miaow, miaow."

Julia's and Lily's laughter alerted me to the possibility that my anguish might be unnecessary. I asked Lily, "You were joking?"

"Yes. Your face very funny. Today you had moo, moo, haha. Beef."

A little suspiciously, I asked, "Beef? It didn't taste like any beef I've had before."

"Cantonese recipe. Was enough?"

"Yes, thank you. It was the perfect amount." (Having leftovers IS perfect.) I checked again, "You sure it was beef? Not cat?"

Julia chuckled, telling me, "Lily was pulling your leg. Or maybe that should be 'pulling your tail', haha. You're a little gullible sometimes, darling. I had a taste of Carol's, and it was definitely beef, okay?"

"Okay, if you say so." Nonetheless, I made a mental note to look carefully at what I was given in the future.

[That proved to be an impractical idea, because: (a) I didn't know what I was looking for (perhaps whiskers?), and (b) By lunchtime I was always too hungry to worry about being suspicious. Especially because the meals were always delicious.]

For the rest of the afternoon, girls frequently asked me questions which were obviously from the pop quiz, as girls don't normally walk up to me and ask, "What was the total number of goals you scored in your last three soccer games, Mark?"

I answered the first couple of times, but soon found out that doing so only led to more girls asking more questions. I had to change my answer to, "Sorry girls, but Julia's going to be giving the answers at Wednesday's lunch."

I heard a few girls make reference to "The Prize". I asked Julia what that was, and she answered, "The usual."

I was pretty sure she didn't mean a gift basket, but I double-checked, "You mean..."

"Yep."

"Oh."

#4: <As in, "Oh Goody!">

#1: <We don't know who the winner is yet. She could look like the back end of bus.>

#4: <Oops. Maybe "Oh shit," might be a better answer then. We'll find out who it is when we get back on Tuesday evening, and the wrong girl might suddenly lose points for bad handwriting.>

Felicity (the one I fancied sleeping with; the 9th grade girl), found me between the first and second periods after lunch. "Mark, have you got time to talk? And how come you never dressed like that last year?"

#3: <Do we have time to talk with a girl who might help gain us dozens of nubile, young 9th grade girls?>

#4: <I don't know about the rest of you, but I definitely have the time.>

All of us decided to stay and talk with her. The truthful explanation of why I didn't dress this way last year was far too complicated and embarrassing to explain, and I couldn't be bothered making anything up either, so I just said, "I have time, Felicity. I was hoping you'd find me."

"I was waiting for you to come to me."

#2: <She needs an attitude adjustment!>

With what looked like genuine puzzlement - but was, in fact, neither genuine nor puzzlement - I asked, "Why would I do that?"

"Didn't you say you wanted my phone number?" Felicity pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket and held it out to me.

It was a SMALL piece of paper, about the right size to hold a single phone number. I opened it, to see her name and phone number.

I held it out to offer it back to her, saying, "I don't know how much you know about me, but I don't have time to waste on people who're playing unhelpful games." I thought of explaining what she was doing wrong, but I decided to save my valuable time. I'd wait to see whether she'd 'fess up and apologize immediately.

Instead she said, "What do you mean?"

"You know I asked you to collect the phone numbers of all the girls who were interested, and to bring them to me or Julia. If you're incapable of doing something as simple as that, I don't think I'll waste my time phoning you. You can have this back," I waved her piece of paper again. "I'm looking for a girlfriend who is reasonably intelligent and capable."

It didn't last long, but it was amusing to watch her indecision. It was a toss-up between storming off in a huff, or staying. Staying won, but it was a close call - something I could easily tell because my proximity sense twice showed her having the short-lived intention of walking away.

Felicity shrugged, took the little piece of paper back, and extracted a larger one from her pocket. Of - I now noticed - quite a pretty and somewhat low-cut dress. (I had, of course, "noticed" that the dress was low-cut before, but it only just occurred to me now that she had dressed to impress me.)

She held it out, saying, "You can't blame a girl for trying."

"I can, however, be unimpressed by her. If you'd sought me out this morning and given me the full list without any game playing, I would've been impressed and pleased. I'm also not impressed by a girl who I've barely spoken fifty words to all year, thinking she has the right to control which girls give me their phone numbers. All things considered, you're not off to a good start, despite the nice dress." When a girl wears a lowish-cut dress, you should ALWAYS show appreciation. That way they'll wear them more often, and the world will be a nicer, happier, better place.

"Wow; you've changed! You NEVER used to talk like that before."

True, thanks to Julia. Not only had Julia given me the confidence to speak this way, but even more importantly, had provided me with several dozen alternatives to Felicity, so I didn't really care whether Felicity came or went. This is a good example of the Attitude part of my, "Bullshit, Experience and a Good Attitude" approach to picking up girls.

"Yes, I have changed. You knew that already, as you commented on my clothes when you arrived." I thought it'd be a good idea to remind her on my clothes, just in case she was a girl and therefore fascinated by clothes. In case she was impressed by intelligence as well, I added, "I'm also extremely busy. I'm doing 10th and 11th grade this year, as well as a working on my college degree, so I don't have time for the time-wasting game playing that you inflict on the boys you're used to. Have you seen the notices about my website?"

"Ahh, yeah. 'EggsSearch', right?"

"Yes. It describes the system I'm going to use for finding a girlfriend. I can't choose one in the usual way because I'm too busy and there are too many girls interested. I'm hoping a group of 9th grade girls will try, including you. Would you please encourage all the girls in your classes to read the website tonight or tomorrow night. There's going to be a Question & Answer session about it at lunchtime on Wednesday."

"Ahh. I'm not sure what you want me to do?"

"Encourage girls in your classes to read the website. At the beginning of your classes for the rest of today and tomorrow, stand up and draw their attention to the notice, and tell them what it's about. It'll only take you thirty seconds or so."

"You want me to help you get MORE girls?"

"Exactly right. You'll also impress me with your helpfulness, and I imagine many of the girls in your classes will be impressed by your having a connection with me. That's if you want it? If you don't, let me know now and I'll easily find some other girls in your classes to help me."

"Ahh, no, that's all right. What do you want me to tell them exactly?"

"'Any girls interested in dating me should read that website before lunchtime on Wednesday, then come to the meeting place that's mentioned on the site.' You should read it yourself tonight. Can you do that?"

"Sure."

"Good. I'll see you at Wednesday's lunch then. Thanks."

I started moving off, but Felicity said, "Ahh, Mark. Umm, I thought you might ask me out."

"Felicity, I appreciate your interest in me, but you haven't done anything to interest me in you yet. I'm not a silly little boy who's going to fall all over himself just because you're wearing a low-cut dress. You need to treat me a lot more maturely than that..."

#4: <Don't overdo it. She might stop wearing low-cut tops, and that'd be a tragedy.>

" ... and you need to behave maturely yourself. You're good looking and you do dress well, but there are more than a hundred girls in this school that the same could be said of. Beauty obviously isn't my sole criterion, or I'd have a hundred girlfriends already. I have other criteria as well, and you haven't even started on achieving any of those yet. If you do a good job with the EggsSearch announcements, I'll hear about it and will be impressed and pleased. That's enough of a goal for you for the next few days."

"I have to do things to impress YOU! That's very arrogant. Normally guys..."

"Yes, I'm sure guys normally do chase after you. If you think it's arrogant of me to freely admit that I have criteria for a girlfriend above and beyond simple physical beauty, then I'm sorry for you. As far as I'm concerned, the ONLY positive aspect you've shown me today is that you've got quite nice breasts. Excuse me if that's not enough to turn me into a gibbering idiot who'd chase you all over school for another look. If that's the sort of boyfriend you want, then we're not going to hit it off. But if you want a mature, sensible, boyfriend, then I might be your man. I have to go now, thanks for the list, bye."

#3: <That was fun. We should do that more often. I wonder if her name is on this list?>

I opened it to check, and saw Felicity's name and number right at the top, in bright red. I also noticed that some of the girls had notes alongside their names. Those notes were usually things like "CV 9th", but there was also an "SCS 9th." Sondarm Christian School is the fourth largest high school in Corvallis (actually just outside of the city), but apparently not one that's very good at instilling Christian values into its young students if one of them put her name on a list to date a complete stranger after a brief lunch where there was so much sex talk.

I had the idea of giving this list of phone numbers to Ava, asking her to call all the 9th grade girls from our school except Felicity, to ask them to also spread the word about the website, adding, "Your helpfulness will impress Mark." Ava was my choice for the job because it wasn't important enough to bother Julia with, and it'd be good to get Ava to do little tasks for us. I dithered a bit over whether to do that or not, because I would've preferred to first give Felicity time to demonstrate her level of helpfulness. The trouble was that there wasn't enough time between now and Wednesday.

I decided to put Ava on the job. Tough luck if Felicity got her feathers ruffled. She should've been more enthusiastic about carrying out my wishes, that being an attitude that every pretty girl in a low-cut top should have. It should teach Felicity a lesson, although a somewhat muddled one because she might think the lesson was, "Don't give Mark other girls' phone numbers." I didn't care enough to worry about it. When I was next sitting in class, I went down the list and noted the school and grade against as many of the other girls as I knew.

The afternoon was dominated by one major development. Someone - probably more than one of them - had gone to my website during lunchtime and had printed out copies of everything. These copies were passed around my classes; and I guessed probably other classes too. That would've been great, except for one important detail: the vast majority of passing around and reading was being done by GUYS.

As guys do, they formed into groups and got themselves worked up about it. I came in for an increasing amount of mockery, insults, derision, and every other form of ridicule they could think of.

I ignored them. You can't talk with guys when they're in full-on, tear-someone-down mode, especially when you're that someone and it's a many-to-one situation. Even if I came up with a brilliantly convincing counter-argument, no guy is going to risk ridicule by backing down from his loudly stated position in front of other guys.

^

[[Continuing to do things known to be wrong, rather than look silly by admitting a mistake and backing down, is a genetic failing carried on the Y-chromosome. Thus it occurs in every male, from high-school boy to President. For some reason, it seems to ESPECIALLY occur in high-school boys and Presidents.

That's not a political dig at the current or any other President, but actually a very true and worrying flaw in democratic countries' political systems. Any politician who admits he made a mistake is throwing away his career. His opponents - who are continually looking for any weakness they can exploit - will seize on his admission and use it to rip him to shreds. His backers will drop him, never to back him ever again.